I feel really lost and clueless right now, and feel like I'm ruining everything with the person I'm with... I normally wouldn't make a post like this, but I'm in a really ->-bleeped-<-ty place now and frankly desperate...
Before my transition, years ago, I met a wonderful guy online. He lives in a different country, but we wound up developing feelings and jumped into a relationship. It lasted close to two years, but I was really unstable then... my dysphoria and my depression made me unstable, unreliable, and I wound up hurting my partner... I constantly stressed him out because of my issues and dragged him down with me, until he could take no more and broke up...
A few months after the break-up we rekindled contact and developed a close friendship. Pretty much best friends... we spoke everyday and told everything to each other, we always were very co-dependent and relied on each other for support... This went on for close to two years again. I went on to date other people in real life and he found someone online to explore his sexuality with. I don't know if it's worth adding or not, but he's a bit withdrawn socially, he has a diagnosis for PTSD, and I suppose he felt more comfortable seeking people on the internet...
This messed with my head. Tremendously. Despite the fact that I was dating other people, the idea that someone else might be the object of his desire made me insanely jealous and excruciatingly mad. This caused me to be mean to him, on several occasions. I was mean because of our context... we weren't just friends, we came from a romantic background, and even as just friends we exchanged a lot of affection, gave each other attention, I don't think for one second that it was all completely innocent... so I felt weird.
The fact that I was mean made him begin to hide things from me. He'd not show as online whenever he talked to this other person, he lied about going to bed, but it was all an act for whenever he wanted to do stuff with her... and this hurt me tremendously. The security I felt just disappeared...
He said he did all of it to "protect me", to "shield me" from things that might have hurt me... but to be honest, I never want to be shielded from the truth, I'd rather have been set free. That wasn't the case though, so we constantly clashed, there was a lot of tension between us, we argued all the time, said mean things to each other... until it was over. It was a living nightmare, I cried countless times, I was always stressed and feeling so worthless...
In October last year, we parted ways. For good, I thought. I went on with my life, meeting and dating other people...
Then, around last Christmas, he reached out to me with a message wishing me happy holidays. We chatted for a little while and it felt great... we know each other very well, there's a unique chemistry that I don't have with anyone else, we can make fun of things and each other, be politically incorrect with none of us taking offense...
It felt good, but the problem was... "hadn't we agreed to stop talking? It can never work with us, we can't be around each other"...
We took it easy, decided to give it a shot again, and rekindled contact. This time a bit more personally, with calls and my webcam involved...
I didn't know if I could do it, or if I would last long... obviously I have issues seeing him with anyone else... then one night, unexpectedly, he made a move on me, and we ended up getting sexual. And again later. And once more... In a short time, our calls went from lasting an hour to lasting 4, 5, 6 hours... And, suddenly, we're in a relationship again.
It reached a point where for it to be viable, we had to focus on each other... so I broke up with the guy I'd been seeing in real life. It wasn't a serious relationship, it wasn't really a boyfriend, just someone I was seeing... And, he told his online tramp (it's hard to think of a nice adjective) that it was over aswell, because he'd gotten with someone.
His relationship had supposedly never been romantic... It was sexual from my understanding, D/s to be specific (I hope I don't have to explain), and in addition to spending time online with my current boyfriend, she was married and had at least one other guy that I knew of. So... not someone you'd make many plans with or take very seriously if you're sane.
So yeah, we began dating, we get along wonderfully, we plan to meet up in real life soon, now that our lives are more organized than they were 4 years ago, but, even though it all points towards the possibility of me experiencing a fairy tale once we're together, I still have reoccurring bad feelings. About last year, about him having omitted things from me, regardless if he was trying to protect me or not, about him having made me feel worthless and disposable... So, I told him ceasing contact with that person wasn't enough. That I felt uncomfortable that they might still be on his Skype contact list... and he interpreted it as me not trusting him, as me going back to the past, starting a jealous ->-bleeped-<-storm, and we argued over it... yesterday, then today again...
I trust him. I don't think he could hurt me. He's really dedicated and spoils me in every way he can... we talk for hours everyday, he's very sensitive and caring... But, I get scared. Sometimes my mind just panics. I don't really see him hurting me now, but I'm afraid of what could happen in the future, maybe. I'm afraid of change, I'm afraid of experiencing bad things again, I'm afraid of feelings changing... and it's all because of having gone through hell last year. This guy is great to me, yet I'm hung up on past fears because of the baggage I'm unwillingly carrying over... I want to have blind faith in us, in him, but I'm not sure of what he needs to do, what I need to have, for that to happen. I get unstable and it's detrimental to our relationship...
I don't want to feel resentment towards our past, I don't want it to affect me in any way... I want to be here, in the present, with the guy who said he loves me and who acts like it every single day... His openness about what he was doing last year shows me he's over it and that he's not defensive about it anymore, that I'm all that matters. I feel that, but sometimes I can't help feeling angry... and it's for nothing he does, it's all because of our falling out last year...
Am I crazy? Do I have issues? I feel like I trust him, the notion of him doing anything that might hurt me seems unreal. But, he did hurt me before... he didn't owe me anything then, we were just friends and he was just moving on with his life after our first attempt at a relationship failed... Yet I couldn't cope or be around that...
How do I get over it? Does time heal it? Is my trust in a great guy maybe a little broken and needs to be rebuilt before I can fully feel confident and okay? I hate how angry I get sometimes. What's reasonable of me to ask of him? How can I feel safe and secure again? I'm afraid of being too proud, too petty to let it go, and just holding the past against him forever and not allowing us to have a fair shot at happiness...
He agreed to block and remove people from his Skype if their existence there made me feel bad, though he's skeptical about that truly making my problem go away... he thinks it might be something "deeper" in me... And, how do I even know if he truly blocked and removed them? I don't "need" evidence from my boyfriend, he's a good guy, but I am plagued with fears that come from out of nowhere. How do I know he wouldn't add them again later? You see where it's going? I don't want to be suspicious of someone that I feel is trustworthy... I don't want to make him uncomfortable or alienated by my unreasonable and stupid fears... but I can't just push them away on my own either...
Something has to change for me to feel okay and I don't know what...
Please help...
