Should I come out?

[supergirl23]

My mother, whom I love deeply. Is a very traditional person, anything that is related to lgtb anything is something that she does not take to kindly to. I have a very good relationship with her right now and don't want to mess around with it. If I come out to her I would be risking her not talking to me for quite awhile, possibly indefinitely. I would very much like to start my transition as soon as possible, and I was thinking about moving out to Orlando and while down there, I could start transitioning. That way I wouldn't have to deal with any of the fallout of coming out. I would just come home one day and she would have a daughter. Is this a good idea? Probably not, but I really can't see any other way. Do you have any suggestions?

[Jestwacked]

I would say make a back up plan in case things fallout really badly, for example, maybe find a potential place you could move out to if that happens. Though from personal experience, I thought my parents would flip, but they were totally fine about it. At the end of the day a loving mother will accept you for who they are even if it disagrees with their view points, be concious that it could be a shock for her and will take time for her to adapt

[Laura_7]

It depends ...

its possible people react differently if its someone they know. Quite a few people talk about people in general.


One possibility if you are away is you could start to define yourself anew, without of perceptions of people who know you, and without old memories. You could explore what you like, and do what you feel is the right thing for you.
Drawback is you might be more alone (yet there might be support groups there) .

I'd say its up to your intuition which possibility would be better for you ...


*hugs*

[supergirl23]

So I have already sort of came out to one of my girlfriends, I didn't really come out as I had no idea that I was trans at the time. I told her that I had always wanted to be a women and she was completely accommodating for a few weeks until she set me up with one of her gay friends and it didn't go so well. But anyways, I'm going to go out to lunch with her and her best friend next week hopefully and am a bit nervous. Is there a certain way to come out to make it official?


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[kittenpower]

I think a lot of us make the mistake of coming out too early, especially if it will be a few years before we will fully transition. So, I feel it is better to wait until we are further along and the physical changes are starting to become noticeable to other people; and ideally the only exception would be if you are in a relationship and are considering or have already started HRT.

[supergirl23]

I think a lot of us make the mistake of coming out too early, especially if it will be a few years before we will fully transition. So, I feel it is better to wait until we are further along and the physical changes are starting to become noticeable to other people; and ideally the only exception would be if you are in a relationship and are considering or have already started HRT.

I didn't realise that you could come out too early.


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[kittenpower]

I didn't realise that you could come out too early.


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Coming out too early can upset the "apple cart" prematurely (you mentioned your concerns about damaging your relationship with your mom). When we transition we have to realize that there will be people in our lives that will not accept us, and they may choose to abandon us; we could also lose our jobs when we transition or let it be known of our intent to transition. Another concern is the backlash from people in your life you come out to, because the may decide to put a lot of pressure on you to change your mind, and if the fear of losing everyone and everything becomes a reality, you may decide not to transition. So, the real significant issue with coming out too early is that it could sabatoge your transition.

[JoanneB]

Coming out too early can upset the "apple cart" prematurely (you mentioned your concerns about damaging your relationship with your mom). When we transition we have to realize that there will be people in our lives that will not accept us, and they may choose to abandon us; we could also lose our jobs when we transition or let it be known of our intent to transition. Another concern is the backlash from people in your life you come out to, because the may decide to put a lot of pressure on you to change your mind, and if the fear of losing everyone and everything becomes a reality, you may decide not to transition. So, the real significant issue with coming out too early is that it could sabatoge your transition.

+1

I don't get the zeal by so many others to "Come Out". Transition is "To Change". It is a process. It is often times a long process. It can be a difficult process, especially the most important (IMHO) aspect of healing yourself from the inside.

Being somewhere in the TG spectrum does not necessarily mean you need to do a full social and medical transition. There are no magic pills for self acceptance. After spending a lifetime, till now, of questioning yourself, feeling strange, exposed to transphobia practically everywhere, and pile on shame and guilt you accumulate a ton of emotional baggage which is not easy to shed.

I've been in transition, changing, for about 7 years now. Next to no one knows in the male persona world of mine. I'm on HRT and lived part-time as a woman. I've grown as a person and did a lot of healing. I got the male aspect of me to live in peace with the female aspect rather then constantly battle and imprison her in the deepest darkest dungeon I can muster, only to escape again some day.

Until the day is very soon to come and not some nebulous "I plan on..... someday" I see no reason to say much about it to anyone unless there is an overwhelming need to. Like a life partner for instance    If "I plan..." was the case I would have come out at the age of 5. As you fear with your mom, people can and do react..... unfavorably to such news.

[josie68winter]

Coming out to your family can indeed cause a lot of mixed emotions on their part, and some family will choose to have nothing more to do with you. And other times they can accept you or in time accept you. But to wait and introduce the new you to family after transitioning can prove too much a shock on them. Only you can know the proper timing, and even then, you will have to accept the possible consequences.

Jo

[DawnOday]

I've come out to family but so far unable to show them what I am talking about. This has always been a solitary experience  and I just announced to all I love and so far so good. Maybe when the hormones kick in a little bit. But for now I'll have to pick and choose. But dang I feel a lot better. Light on my feet even. Answering a life long riddle is such a weight lifted from my back. I can't really tell you how I would have reacted if they all hadn't been supportive. But luckily I don't have to find out. And I'm not dealing with a Mom and Dad.

[Lady Sarah]

My biological mother is vocally anti-gay. However, when I found her (at age 36, 11 years into transition) she welcomed me into her life. My brother and sister are just as loving. Neither have a problem with me marrying a man, either. To them, I am just a woman, a daughter, a sister.

You never know how someone will react to "coming out" until you do so...in your own time.

[Paige33455]

May I offer that coming out is only one part of the process.  You might find the "Transgender Guidebook" by Anne LBoedecker helpful.  It's available at Amazon and in Kindle version.  She covers a lot of ground and suggests, among other things, that it is very helpful to put together a "team" to assist and help guide one through the various steps, considerations and phases of transitioning...........including timing issues.

Hope you find it as helpful as I.

Trisha K

[Paige33455]

I should add that formulating your own individual plan perhaps with the aid of an experienced therapist will be very helpful as you encounter the inevitable bumps in the road.