Please help!

[ashleybena]

long story story short... a member from a transgender dating site contacted my daughter and told her about her husband's transgender tendencies. He swears it was just a curiosity... But, I don't know what to think. I don't have any tg friends and would deeply appreciate honest opinions about this situation so I can understand better and help my daughter make the best decision. Here's the facts:

He's 21. He got married in July and has a 4 month old daughter. They seem extremely happy.

He joined a tg dating site and was actively communicating with women for 4-5 months. From  May till September...his daughter was born a month later.

In his messages he states that being w a tg women has been a longtime fantasy of his. Early messages he says he's never been w a tg or a man. He also says he wants to have sex in all the variables. He also states he wants a relationship possibly.

He exchanged numbers with a few people. A woman he was communicating with found my daughter on FB and messaged her and they later spoke. This is how she found out.

He swears, begging and crying, that he never acted on it and it was just a curiosity.

I have a lot of questions and a lot of learning to do. Please know that I am a very open-minded, laid back, live and let live person. I simply want to understand so I can help them both make the right decisions about their marriage.

In an attempt to not offend anyone as I am just looking for the other view point not making judgements, I'll share my uneducated and possibly wrong viewpoint:

I believe a person can have sexual fantasies, try them out, and realize it's not for them..from personal experience.

I do not believe a homosexual can just quit being homosexual..I think it's just part of their being and who they were meant to be. I'm not as educated on Transgender lifestyles but my limited insight is that it is also just part of the persons being...less of a choice and more of who you are at the core.

Here's my most pressing question:

Do you believe a man can have a long term fantasy about being w a tg woman and then just suddenly have no more interest? Ie. He tried it and realized it wasn't for him? Like a sexual curiosity or do you believe men who want tg relationships have something in their "being" that will always be there..even if they fight it, as in the way a homosexual is homosexual?

That lead me to ask do you think he has homosexual tendencies as well? Or is it a different thing?

Please tell me anything you think would help me grasp this situation. My daughter is willing to work on her marriage but what we need to understand is this always going to be a part of him or was it experimental and behind him?

Thank you so much for your time!

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[Ms Grace]

Hey Ashley!

Welcome to Susan's Great to have you here - looking forward to seeing you around the forum.

It's hard to comment given I do not know the story of your daughter's spouse, I can only say that it really depends on what is driving that person's need for those experiences, how strongly they identify as trans and whether they're prepared to be open and honest about that, not only with your daughter but with themself. Generally people who are trans try to push that feeling down and deny it. Plenty of people have believed, even hoped, it was just a stage only to fully transition, sometimes years later with a lot of regret about having not gone sooner. Maybe your daughter's spouse was indeed just experimenting and "it will never happen again" but I think the question is who do they think they are fooling, you or themself? Sounds like joint counselling would be useful.

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Grace

[Dena]

Welcome to Susan's place. This is complicated and I don't know exactly what is going on. If your transgender, that part of you can't be changed. The question is what does transgender mean to the husband. In all fairness, it's possible that the husband hasn't a clue exactly what he feel because in the early stages we can be very confused. The best thing to do at this point is make no judgements and get the husband connected with a gender therapist where he can explore his feelings. At some point your daughter should see the gender therapist to get a better idea how this will affect their marriage.  Once this is known, then the decision about the marriage will take place. About half of the couple remain together and this tends to bond the couple even closer.

Feel free to ask any additional questions you might have on this thread and I will respond to them when I see them.

[ashleybena]

Hey Ashley!

Welcome to Susan's Great to have you here - looking forward to seeing you around the forum.

It's hard to comment given I do not know the story of your daughter's spouse, I can only say that it really depends on what is driving that person's need for those experiences, how strongly they identify as trans and whether they're prepared to be open and honest about that, not only with your daughter but with themself. Generally people who are trans try to push that feeling down and deny it. Plenty of people have believed, even hoped, it was just a stage only to fully transition, sometimes years later with a lot of regret about having not gone sooner. Maybe your daughter's spouse was indeed just experimenting and "it will never happen again" but I think the question is who do they think they are fooling, you or themself? Sounds like joint counselling would be useful.

Please check out the following links for general site info...

• Site Terms of Service and rules to live by
  
• Standard Terms and Definitions
  
• Post Ranks (including when you can upload an avatar)
  
• Reputation rules
  
• Photo, avatars, and signature images policy
  

Cheers

Grace

Thank you Grace!

Sent from my LG-H811 using Tapatalk

[ashleybena]

In your personal experience do you think a young man who is actively seeking a relationship with a transgender woman may be exploring his own need to be transgender or do you think it's a sexual preference?

Sent from my LG-H811 using Tapatalk

[ashleybena]

Welcome to Susan's place. This is complicated and I don't know exactly what is going on. If your transgender, that part of you can't be changed. The question is what does transgender mean to the husband. In all fairness, it's possible that the husband hasn't a clue exactly what he feel because in the early stages we can be very confused. The best thing to do at this point is make no judgements and get the husband connected with a gender therapist where he can explore his feelings. At some point your daughter should see the gender therapist to get a better idea how this will affect their marriage.  Once this is known, then the decision about the marriage will take place. About half of the couple remain together and this tends to bond the couple even closer.

Feel free to ask any additional questions you might have on this thread and I will respond to them when I see them.

Thank you Dena! A gender therapist is an excellent idea. I appreciate your response.

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[Ms Grace]

In your personal experience do you think a young man who is actively seeking a relationship with a transgender woman may be exploring his own need to be transgender or do you think it's a sexual preference?

I can only presume it is a sexual preference unless they are also looking to dress as female during the encounter in which case it is probably both those things. In other words, being sexually attracted to trans women doesn't mean you are trans.

[Dena]

My personal experience really doesn't apply because I am asexual and a 64 year old virgin. My personal knowledge is it could be both. Testosterone isn't handled well by our brain and it can cause us to be over sexual as well as creating the transgender feeling. Some people on the site talk of almost a continues sex drive, some about exploring everything possible and many of us the joy of the relief from the pressure when the blockers reduce our testosterone levels. This is why therapy will be important. If the husband is transgender which is possible, therapy might include a blocker to help put things in perspective.

We are only human and we sometimes do things we regret latter. The problem is we are born transgender and treatment is the only way we can come to terms with our feeling. For some, cross dressing from time to time is enough. Others may cross live, possibly with HRT but without surgery. In my case, I was a full blown transsexual and I needed surgery to complete the process.

Often when people come to this site for help, they have reached the end of the current road and tell us the full story because they have explored all their options. In this case, we are hearing the story second hand and the husband was outed before exploring much of what remains to be explored. Therapy will speed up the process but out side of therapy, some people on this site are finally addressing their issues at age 50 or 60. It may take months in therapy before we know much more.