There is no solution to this.....or maybe there is!

[JoanneB]

...running isn't a viable way to reduce dysphoria over the long term.

Can you say M A R A T H O N ?   

[Michelle_P]

I run about an hour a day, and the endorphin high while running (particularly if I get my mind into 'girl mode') definitely gives me a break from the dysphoria, but it definitely can come roaring back

[jayne01]

I'm not much of a runner. My wife is the runner, I sometimes join her to keep her company. If I run for more than about 1 hour 20 minutes I am ready to have a heart attack. Just the thought of running for 2 hours and 40 miles/week is making me tired. I rarely go for a run more than once or twice every two weeks.

[Gendermutt]

2 hrs a day.... 40 miles, marathon???   That sounds like a lot of work lol. I usually just go for doing my nails and putting on a pair of heels. 

I suppose if you girls like running so much, you could try this-

http://geniusbeauty.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/09/heels1.jpg

[rosinstraya]

FWIW - I ran six marathons and countless half marathons over a six year period. Whilst this may have made me too exhausted to deal with my dysphoria, I still ended up transitioning.

Running has many benefits, but I think these are only short term as regards combating dysphoria.

[jayne01]

I think I'm starting to see what is wrong with me. Well not what is wrong with me but more what I'm not. I don't think I'm trans. It doesn't add up. None of my therapists have ever suggested I am and I clearly am unable to accept it based on a feeling, so the problem has to lie somewhere else. Maybe I have some mental illness, actually now that I think of it, my parents told me that when I was 1 or 2 years old I managed to climb out of my pram and fall to the ground. Maybe I gave myself a brain injury.

You have all told me to just give HRT a try. There is no way I am going to self medicate. My therapists have never even hinted at trying HRT and I believe you need referrals saying you are eligible for hormone therapy. I am reluctant to even take a headache tablet unless I sense a raging migraine coming on (which is something I have had since childhood).

I am also seriously considering to stop seeing my therapists. It's been 8-9 months and I have made no progress. I think it is time for me to step aside to give someone else a chance at treatment. (There was at least a 3 month waiting list to get in to see my therapist, I've had more than my fair share of treatment).

I will also more than likely leave this forum. You are all really nice people who want to help total strangers that you have never met. I don't see any good reason for me to be here and continue wasting your time, and I am unable to offer any help to anyone else, so there is really no point to me being here.

Thank you all so much for trying to help me. That is incredibly kind of you. Sorry I have not been able to process what you have been trying to tell me. I can't make it compute in my head.

Take care of yourselves.

John

[Gendermutt]

Well, best of luck, the door will be unlocked and the light will be on if you feel like heading back this way.....

IMO- you are trying to picture yourself in the deep end when you haven't even learned to swim yet. You haven't even put your toe in the water yet. The water looks inviting, the spray feels good but then whoa, how am I ever going to go there? how am I ever going to do that?  Well, like all pools or ponds or whatever, there is shallow water, and then deeper and deeper water. Not all who are in the pool or pond reside at the deepest part. And when we are born, we either need to enter the water, or we are born in the shallow end. (born meaning the birth of our understanding and acceptance of ourselves)

Maybe you are like many, who only need to be wading in the shallow end, or maybe go a little deeper, or maybe one day go to the deepest part. Transgender is a state of being, not a destination. Maybe the term is just too strong for you.... Maybe there are other things which you need to take care of in life before dealing with being transgender. Or maybe you really are not transgender. But, you came here for a reason. You didn't just lurk, you joined, and posted many times.

Just look at the membership of this place alone... and there are many others (not all as big) but some are pretty big too. Now, how many transgender people do you see when you are out in public? We blend in pretty well don't we. Maybe because we are just living our lives, being pretty much ordinary people.

[jayne01]

Thanks Gendermutt. You have been very kind to me and have given me some very nice replies and have obviously taken the time to chose the right words to say. Thank you for that.

Unfortunately, I am having trouble adapting what I read here into real life. I don't know if that makes any sense. I have never met a trans person. Maybe that is part of the reason I cannot relate. As good as this website is, I still find the Internet very anonymous and detached from my reality.

[Gendermutt]

More than likely, you have met a transgender person, you just didn't know it. Maybe they transitioned, maybe they never will come close. Being transgender does not make someone some  extraordinary person. Some will make drastic changes in front of the world. Some will make no changes at all, just living life and dealing with their internal issues as they see fit. The amount of cross dressers vs those who are or have transitioned is many many times higher. Or those who exist somewhere other than cisgender. Then there are those who are TS but do not transition, for  their own personal and unique reasons. There are those who live dead in the middle. Have you once ever seen someone and not been entirely certain as to whether they were male or female? Have you ever seen a very masculine woman, or a very effeminate man? Most will assume they are gay (and they sometimes are) and maybe they really are just on the masculine or feminine end of their gender. But maybe.....

[jayne01]

I have met a very small number of people. So small in fact, that I don't know anybody outside of my work and family.

[keira166]

Unfortunately, I am having trouble adapting what I read here into real life. I don't know if that makes any sense. I have never met a trans person. Maybe that is part of the reason I cannot relate. As good as this website is, I still find the Internet very anonymous and detached from my reality.

  You've met people who say they're trans here, so you've met at least a few that aren't intentionally blending 100% into the woodwork (thanks everyone btw, you've for sure helped me , even if I mostly still just lurk).  I get that its hard to adapt people's advice here to how you actually live, I mean, for the most part for me, they're little changes, and sometimes don't feel like they're anything but a little niceness.  And yeah, I also don't like the feeling that trans is a medical issue that needs a medical answer like HRT.  Hormones can be out of whack, but...

You said that the last few times you accepted being trans, you felt empty inside and eventually changed your mind, would you mind sharing what that process was like?  Like, how did you accept being trans, what did you do to change (if at all), what made you feel empty, how did rejecting trans feel, and then what made you think you might be trans again?

[autumn08]

I think I'm starting to see what is wrong with me. Well not what is wrong with me but more what I'm not. I don't think I'm trans. It doesn't add up. None of my therapists have ever suggested I am and I clearly am unable to accept it based on a feeling, so the problem has to lie somewhere else. Maybe I have some mental illness, actually now that I think of it, my parents told me that when I was 1 or 2 years old I managed to climb out of my pram and fall to the ground. Maybe I gave myself a brain injury.

You have all told me to just give HRT a try. There is no way I am going to self medicate. My therapists have never even hinted at trying HRT and I believe you need referrals saying you are eligible for hormone therapy. I am reluctant to even take a headache tablet unless I sense a raging migraine coming on (which is something I have had since childhood).

I am also seriously considering to stop seeing my therapists. It's been 8-9 months and I have made no progress. I think it is time for me to step aside to give someone else a chance at treatment. (There was at least a 3 month waiting list to get in to see my therapist, I've had more than my fair share of treatment).

I will also more than likely leave this forum. You are all really nice people who want to help total strangers that you have never met. I don't see any good reason for me to be here and continue wasting your time, and I am unable to offer any help to anyone else, so there is really no point to me being here.

Thank you all so much for trying to help me. That is incredibly kind of you. Sorry I have not been able to process what you have been trying to tell me. I can't make it compute in my head.

Take care of yourselves.

John

The unspoken reason you're here is because you want to be the opposite sex, which means you're transgender (or whatever label you're comfortable with). There is nothing wrong with being transgender, but you use derogatory terms like, "mental illness," and "brain injury," to belittle this part of you and therefore you feel it is, "the problem," "what is wrong with me," and I remember at one point you called it the worst thing that could possibly happen to you.

These beliefs (internalized-transphobia) are the source of your pain, and they have placed you in a trap where you don't value yourself, so you can't value yourself. As a result, you think things like, "I don't see any good reason for me...," "continue wasting your time," "I am unable to offer any help to anyone," "there is really no point to me...," etc...

You have a greater potential for happiness and creating happiness in the world, but you can't discard some of the beliefs you attained in childhood. I understand that its overwhelming to drastically change your world view, but you don't have any other good options. Your romanticized vision of living as a content masculine male, which you're trying to run to now, never existed and never will exist. All that awaits you is more needless suffering.

Your fear is causing you to make a mountain out of a mole hill. You want to be female, so what?! Stop giving credence to ideas you know are wrong, and understand that being transgender makes you no more or less deserving of love than anyone. I know you will say that you already know this, but if you truly internalized it, your desire to alter your desire wouldn't exist.

P.S. I know I offered this in a prior post, but if you would like to talk about the external factors that shaped your low self-esteem, I would love to hear them. We may be able to make progress if we approach your internalized-transphobia obliquely.

Also, on the issue of low-dose HRT, you misread everyone if you thought we're recommending that you self-medicate. Ask one of your therapists for a referral to an endocrinologist, as you heard low-dose HRT might mitigate your gender dysphoria, and I'm sure you will see the sparkle in their eyes, because you would be taking action that circumvented your internalized-transphoriba, which they've been treating for 9 months.

[autumn08]

And yeah, I also don't like the feeling that trans is a medical issue that needs a medical answer like HRT.  Hormones can be out of whack, but...

I agree that gender dysphoria isn't a problem in itself. Transgender individuals who pass report the same quality of life as cisgender individuals.

The reason I'm recommending low-dose HRT isn't to cure Jayne of her gender dsphoria, but because she can't circumvent her internalized-transphoria and incorporate her gender into her life. I'm also not taking HRT and I initially recommended to Jayne to first try more modest steps, but then she wrote that she had and that it didn't end well.

My hope is that the psychological changes, the legitimization of a prescription and the realization that the world isn't going to end that starting low-dose HRT may cause, will finally dislodge her internalized-transphobia.

[keira166]

I agree that gender dysphoria isn't a problem in itself. Transgender individuals who pass report the same quality of life as cisgender individuals.

The reason I'm recommending low-dose HRT isn't to cure Jayne of her gender dsphoria, but because she can't circumvent her internalized-transphoria and incorporate her gender into her life. I'm also not taking HRT and I initially recommended to Jayne to first try more modest steps, but then she wrote that she had and that it didn't end well.

My hope is that the psychological changes, the legitimization of a prescription and the realization that the world isn't going to end that starting low-dose HRT may cause, will finally dislodge her internalized-transphobia.

Yeah, I understand, and I really don't know enough about those with HRT to see how it affects people fully, so I will leave it to others.  I was just trying to say I understand the reluctance, I, like Jayne, don't take headache medicine unless it gets bad.  It seems there are those that it helps immensely, and so if they would suggest, then awesome

[Gendermutt]

You said that the last few times you accepted being trans, you felt empty inside and eventually changed your mind, would you mind sharing what that process was like?  Like, how did you accept being trans, what did you do to change (if at all), what made you feel empty, how did rejecting trans feel, and then what made you think you might be trans again?

That is the process of acceptance at work. And I remember feeling similar feelings at the very start. I remember a couple of drives into work, very shortly after I told my wife about my desires to dress. I remember thinking this is nuts, I need to stop this insanity. Nothing good will ever come of this. By the time I got home I was quickly changing into a dress lol.

The unspoken reason you're here is because you want to be the opposite sex, which means you're transgender (or whatever label you're comfortable with). There is nothing wrong with being transgender, but you use derogatory terms like, "mental illness," and "brain injury," to belittle this part of you and therefore you feel it is, "the problem," "what is wrong with me," and I remember at one point you called it the worst thing that could possibly happen to you.

These beliefs (internalized-transphobia) are the source of your pain, and they have placed you in a trap where you don't value yourself, so you can't value yourself. As a result, you think things like, "I don't see any good reason for me...," "continue wasting your time," "I am unable to offer any help to anyone," "there is really no point to me...," etc...

You have a greater potential for happiness and creating happiness in the world, but you can't discard some of the beliefs you attained in childhood. I understand that its overwhelming to drastically change your world view, but you don't have any other good options. Your romanticized vision of living as a content masculine male, which you're trying to run to now, never existed and never will exist. All that awaits you is more needless suffering.

Your fear is causing you to make a mountain out of a mole hill. You want to be female, so what?! Stop giving credence to ideas you know are wrong, and understand that being transgender makes you no more or less deserving of love than anyone. I know you will say that you already know this, but if you truly internalized it, your desire to alter your desire wouldn't exist.

At this point, Jayne may not know if she truly wants to be the opposite sex or not. She has moments where she has stated she connects with or feels like she is. But they are not consistent. Believe me when I say this, coming from someone who is gender fluid, that can be insanely confusing, and I believe it is what caused me to put myself in my prison of denial for so long. Jayne is only looking at the end game of transgender to transition. And I am not saying this is not the path she should one day take. But when starting to merely accept her own gender variance and then looking immediately toward that end game is part of the problem I believe.

She has said things like "I don't know how to do make up" and I do not look female. Ta-da, dysphoria right there, if we Looked like what we felt, it wouldn't be so traumatic. But even then, what if Jayne isn't a candidate for the entire trip to female Ville?  That could be causing her as much of an issue as is the transphobia. I do believe she is dealing with some transphobia. All of the what is wrong with me statements are definitely proof of that. She is looking at transgender as a negative. She is also looking at it from a standpoint of a destination rather than a state of being.

Being within the transgender spectrum, there are any number of places we may end up. Often times, those who do end up TS and pursue transition start off a CDers, and for a time, are at least partly content. They do not see themselves as future transitioners. I have read many times on these forums of "I am just a CDer" and years later they are now either in the process or in some cases, completed the process. Had they just started their journey and thought their only option would be to go straight into transition they would likely be hitting the panic button just the same. But even those of us not transitioning, the process of acceptance is still not easy. I relate so much to what Jayne writes. I am not on the path to transition, which is why I think it is an option that Jayne too may not be a candidate. Not suggesting one way or another, other than it is possible that she is not. I felt so much the way she does now 4 years ago, I could have practically wrote the same words she is writing now.

[autumn08]

At this point, Jayne may not know if she truly wants to be the opposite sex or not. She has moments where she has stated she connects with or feels like she is. But they are not consistent. Believe me when I say this, coming from someone who is gender fluid, that can be insanely confusing, and I believe it is what caused me to put myself in my prison of denial for so long. Jayne is only looking at the end game of transgender to transition. And I am not saying this is not the path she should one day take. But when starting to merely accept her own gender variance and then looking immediately toward that end game is part of the problem I believe.

She has said things like "I don't know how to do make up" and I do not look female. Ta-da, dysphoria right there, if we Looked like what we felt, it wouldn't be so traumatic. But even then, what if Jayne isn't a candidate for the entire trip to female Ville?  That could be causing her as much of an issue as is the transphobia. I do believe she is dealing with some transphobia. All of the what is wrong with me statements are definitely proof of that. She is looking at transgender as a negative. She is also looking at it from a standpoint of a destination rather than a state of being.

Being within the transgender spectrum, there are any number of places we may end up. Often times, those who do end up TS and pursue transition start off a CDers, and for a time, are at least partly content. They do not see themselves as future transitioners. I have read many times on these forums of "I am just a CDer" and years later they are now either in the process or in some cases, completed the process. Had they just started their journey and thought their only option would be to go straight into transition they would likely be hitting the panic button just the same. But even those of us not transitioning, the process of acceptance is still not easy. I relate so much to what Jayne writes. I am not on the path to transition, which is why I think it is an option that Jayne too may not be a candidate. Not suggesting one way or another, other than it is possible that she is not. I felt so much the way she does now 4 years ago, I could have practically wrote the same words she is writing now.

I don't know if given the option to be either sex and even if everyone couldn't care less which sex she is, Jayne would prefer to be a masculine female and keep some of her physically male attributes. I don't think so though, because she has expressed a desire to pass.

By saying she wants to be the opposite sex, I don't mean she necessarily wants to be the archetypal feminine female, just that she wants to cross over into the female region.

Also, you don't think I'm saying because Jayne wants to be female, she should immediately transition, right?

[jayne01]

  You've met people who say they're trans here, so you've met at least a few that aren't intentionally blending 100% into the woodwork (thanks everyone btw, you've for sure helped me , even if I mostly still just lurk).  I get that its hard to adapt people's advice here to how you actually live, I mean, for the most part for me, they're little changes, and sometimes don't feel like they're anything but a little niceness.  And yeah, I also don't like the feeling that trans is a medical issue that needs a medical answer like HRT.  Hormones can be out of whack, but...

Hi Keira,

When I say I have never met a trans person, I meant in real life. Also I don't dislike the fact that being trans is a medical issue that may need medication (HRT) for some people. I just don't think I am qualified to make a medical diagnosis and to then decide I need medication and what type of medication. That is not my area of expertise.

You said that the last few times you accepted being trans, you felt empty inside and eventually changed your mind, would you mind sharing what that process was like?  Like, how did you accept being trans, what did you do to change (if at all), what made you feel empty, how did rejecting trans feel, and then what made you think you might be trans again?

I don't really know how to answer that, but I'll give it try. I suppose the times I started accepting being trans it came about because I couldn't come up with any other explanation and from what people in here say, it seemed to kind of fit. But I would later come up with some other reason for why I feel the way I do and then being trans is not the only possibility so therefore I cannot be trans beyond doubt. I don't know if that is the answer you were looking for. I don't even know if that is the actual reason why I keep going back and forth. There is no real process, it just kind of happens.

John

[JoanneB]

The only reason you have never 'met' absolutely and for sure a trans person is simply because you refuse to. I lived in rural West Virginia when I hit (yet another) crises point in my life. For the first time ever, as in over 40 years of fighting, I sought out a support group while there. Ironic since I moved from just 5 miles outside of NYC or Trans-Central as my wife puts it. The nearest group was some 90 miles away. The next nearest ones added another hour plus to get to either Pittsburgh or DC.

No fairy princess is going to come along with her magic wand, nor therapist, and declare A, Z or some other letter between the two. But if they did, today, the letter is likely change in the future. Learning how to, and the actually seeing exacly who you are and finally coming to some level of acceptance is a process. A process where the results are constant evolving, both positive and negatively. Kind of like life in general

[jayne01]

What do you mean I refuse to meet a trans person? It's not like people walk with a neon sign saying they are trans. I meant I have never met anyone who is trans. I'm not a social person in the best of times. Put me in a room with only one other person and unless that person speaks, or would be a very quiet room. I am not comfortable talking to strangers. I'm weird like that.

[Violets]

Jayne, would you consider having a chat with someone who is transgender at the Gender Centre? It's located in Annandale, Sydney. Heck, if you lived closer, I'd even put my hand up!