There is no solution to this.....or maybe there is!

[jayne01]

I think so. You probably will want to express yourself more, meaning going out in the world. Just explore.

You are probably right. Early tonight I told my wife I would like a pair of more feminine shoes to wear so that I can have a complete outfit rather than bits and pieces. I have the urge to go all in and try everything all at once. I guess all of a sudden I want to make up for lost time. I am resisting that urge. I want to take things at a reasonable pace to make sure it all feels right. I don't want to rush too quickly and end up scaring myself and end up like I was before, beating myself up over and over again. Going slow also gives my wife a chance to keep up. Even though I think at times she is way ahead and waiting for me to catch up. I asked her if she was ok with me wearing women's shoes. She said that if it makes me happy, then she is all in. WOW!!!! That made me so happy to hear her say that. I am so incredibly lucky to have such a loving and supportive wife. The only negative comment she had about me wearing women's shoes, was a warning that most women's shoes can be uncomfortable. 

I went out in public again today, this time to the local supermarket. It would be nice if I could work out what I need to do so that I actually look like a woman instead of just a guy wearing somewhat feminine clothes. When I see other women around my age dressed nicely, I want to be like them.

Today is one week since I started accepting myself. I MADE IT!!!!!! I was determined to make it through the week without stopping believing in me. There were a few moments where I struggled through, but my stubbornness paid off. I am still feeling quite good about myself. The dysphoria is still there and it is making certain I know it is still there. However, I am coping with it much better, knowing that I might actually be on the right path. It is what everyone here has been telling me all along, I should have just listen to you all. It's my pig headed nature. Unless I work it out for myself the information just doesn't sink in.

[Michelle_P]

Congratulations, Jayne!  That's a huge step forward.  I know it's hard, because I was there three months ago.

There can be a tremendous urge to rush in at this point, but try to take it easy for youself and your loved ones. I currently do the 'guy from the woman's department' thing, presenting male but wearing only from my side of the store when I'm not Michelle. Yesterday, for example I wore an Old Navy large women's crewneck tee, the Elance briefs, Gloria Vanderbilt 'Amanda' jeans size 8, and generic canvas low top sneakers in my size 10.  My narrow waist was the only 'tell'.

Give yourself a little time to settle in, and have fun with it.  You're doing great!

[zirconia]

Hi, Jayne

It's very good to hear you've made it through the week. I wish you peace and serenity.

[Gertrude]

You are probably right. Early tonight I told my wife I would like a pair of more feminine shoes to wear so that I can have a complete outfit rather than bits and pieces. I have the urge to go all in and try everything all at once. I guess all of a sudden I want to make up for lost time. I am resisting that urge. I want to take things at a reasonable pace to make sure it all feels right. I don't want to rush too quickly and end up scaring myself and end up like I was before, beating myself up over and over again. Going slow also gives my wife a chance to keep up. Even though I think at times she is way ahead and waiting for me to catch up. I asked her if she was ok with me wearing women's shoes. She said that if it makes me happy, then she is all in. WOW!!!! That made me so happy to hear her say that. I am so incredibly lucky to have such a loving and supportive wife. The only negative comment she had about me wearing women's shoes, was a warning that most women's shoes can be uncomfortable. 

I went out in public again today, this time to the local supermarket. It would be nice if I could work out what I need to do so that I actually look like a woman instead of just a guy wearing somewhat feminine clothes. When I see other women around my age dressed nicely, I want to be like them.

Today is one week since I started accepting myself. I MADE IT!!!!!! I was determined to make it through the week without stopping believing in me. There were a few moments where I struggled through, but my stubbornness paid off. I am still feeling quite good about myself. The dysphoria is still there and it is making certain I know it is still there. However, I am coping with it much better, knowing that I might actually be on the right path. It is what everyone here has been telling me all along, I should have just listen to you all. It's my pig headed nature. Unless I work it out for myself the information just doesn't sink in.

Going slow is probably a good idea. It's been described as a runaway train. If you can, get a book by jennifer finney boylan called she's not there. It's a great book and she shows us what a heroes journey is. She has a website too.


Sent from my iPhone, inspected and certified by the NSA

[jayne01]

Going slow is probably a good idea. It's been described as a runaway train. If you can, get a book by jennifer finney boylan called she's not there. It's a great book and she shows us what a heroes journey is. She has a website too.


Sent from my iPhone, inspected and certified by the NSA

I have actually read that book. It is a great book. I enjoyed reading it.

[Gertrude]

I have actually read that book. It is a great book. I enjoyed reading it.

Another book I've been thinking of getting is Living My Truth by Grace Anne Stevens. I've been thinking about a couple books by Helen Boyd, but I've been warned not to let my wife read them.

[autumn08]

Congratulations, Jayne! Great job confronting your dysphoria and measuring your actions.

My dysphoria has also been beating me up, lately. Sometimes I feel I could simultaneously transition, accomplish my career goals and meet my responsibilities, but I know that I'm already overwhelmed. For years, I've felt almost everyday was a failure, because not enough was accomplished, so I can't expect myself to do more, when I already need to expect myself to do less, in order to manage my stress.

I wish I could ignore my dysphoria for at least one year, but attempting this would just be relinquishing my control of the situation and would have pernicious effects. Therefore, even though it can be arduous, you and I should never attempt to forget who we are, as we continue to balance our present and future happiness.

[jayne01]

Congratulations, Jayne! Great job confronting your dysphoria and measuring your actions.

My dysphoria has also been beating me up, lately. Sometimes I feel I could simultaneously transition, accomplish my career goals and meet my responsibilities, but I know that I'm already overwhelmed. For years, I've felt almost everyday was a failure, because not enough was accomplished, so I can't expect myself to do more, when I already need to expect myself to do less, in order to manage my stress.

I wish I could ignore my dysphoria for at least one year, but attempting this would just be relinquishing my control of the situation and would have pernicious effects. Therefore, even though it can be arduous, you and I should never attempt to forget who we are, as we continue to balance our present and future happiness.

Thank you. I am feeling so good right now. I just got to my therapist for an appointment and everything I am wearing (except for my socks ) is women's clothing. My wife just helped me pick out some nice shoes and a small handbag only about an hour ago. My wife went back to the hotel room while I came to my appointment. I walked through the middle of Sydney in rush hour and got on a train to get here. I was a little nervous but mostly I felt good. I didn't care if people stared at me or not, I just carried on as if I was in guy mode.

I'm sorry your dysphoria is troubling you. It doesn't matter how much or how little you accomplish, every small accomplishment is a step forward.

You are still managing to make me reach for a dictionary with your posts. I always learn something new from you.

Take care

Jayne

[Violets]

I am feeling so good right now. I just got to my therapist for an appointment and everything I am wearing (except for my socks ) is women's clothing. My wife just helped me pick out some nice shoes and a small handbag only about an hour ago. My wife went back to the hotel room while I came to my appointment. I walked through the middle of Sydney in rush hour and got on a train to get here. I was a little nervous but mostly I felt good. I didn't care if people stared at me or not, I just carried on as if I was in guy mode.

Wow Jayne, you've made such rapid progress that it's hard to believe your recent posts are written the same person as those written just a few short weeks ago. The tone of your posts are now sounding so positive. Yay!

[jayne01]

Wow Jayne, you've made such rapid progress that it's hard to believe your recent posts are written the same person as those written just a few short weeks ago. The tone of your posts are now sounding so positive. Yay!

Thanks you. I feel so good. I actually do feel like a different person. I'm still me, but without all the anger I had bottled up for so long. I think the anger might have kept me functioning all these years, but it also created this very dark cloud in my head that made it very difficult to see any good in the world.

Finally learning how to accept myself has been such a relief for my mind. I cannot describe how good it actually feels.

I am so happy to know who I am.

[Maybebaby56]

Thanks you. I feel so good. I actually do feel like a different person. I'm still me, but without all the anger I had bottled up for so long. I think the anger might have kept me functioning all these years, but it also created this very dark cloud in my head that made it very difficult to see any good in the world.

Finally learning how to accept myself has been such a relief for my mind. I cannot describe how good it actually feels.

I am so happy to know who I am.

Hi Jayne,

I've been following this thread for quite a while.  It's been an amazing chronicle, seeing you unfold your wings. I can relate to how you feel.  My marriage was never a good one, and my wife and I fought for years.  She once told me I was incapable of happiness.  I protested it was not the case. As proof, I recounted that  I've had good times with my friends, and even with her.  But those were exceptions to the rule. For reasons she didn't realize, I think she was right.  I was never really happy.  I did not like myself, to put it mildly.

Once I finally figured out I was transgender, things made much more sense.  When I decided to transition, I gave myself permission to fail. If it got too much, if the price was too high, I would stop, knowing I gave it my best shot.  That was two and-a-half years ago.

Even though transition is hard, I cannot imagine turning back now. I am so much happier with myself.  I have hope for a fulfilling and joyful life, something I never had before.  I could have been a better father, and a better partner if I had the wisdom and courage to know myself.  It was knowledge gained at a price, but it has been worth it.

I am so proud of you!

Blessings to you,

Terri

[jayne01]

Hi Jayne,

I've been following this thread for quite a while.  It's been an amazing chronicle, seeing you unfold your wings. I can relate to how you feel.  My marriage was never a good one, and my wife and I fought for years.  She once told me I was incapable of happiness.  I protested it was not the case. As proof, I recounted that  I've had good times with my friends, and even with her.  But those were exceptions to the rule. For reasons she didn't realize, I think she was right.  I was never really happy.  I did not like myself, to put it mildly.

Once I finally figured out I was transgender, things made much more sense.  When I decided to transition, I gave myself permission to fail. If it got too much, if the price was too high, I would stop, knowing I gave it my best shot.  That was two and-a-half years ago.

Even though transition is hard, I cannot imagine turning back now. I am so much happier with myself.  I have hope for a fulfilling and joyful life, something I never had before.  I could have been a better father, and a better partner if I had the wisdom and courage to know myself.  It was knowledge gained at a price, but it has been worth it.

I am so proud of you!

Blessings to you,

Terri

Hi Terri,

Thank you. I'm sorry your marriage didn't work out. I am very glad that you are happy now being yourself. I get what you mean by not liking yourself. I think I very much disliked myself without even knowing it. In hindsight, I can see how much anger I had inside. I never expressed that anger in any form of violence. I just bottled it all up.

I understand now what it means when people would tell me that you don't have to like it in order to accept being trans. I was having trouble making the distinction. I get it now. If I was given a choice, I would never choose to be trans. And not for any reasons like society not being overly accepting. The reason I would never choose trans is I would not want the internal mental trauma of my brain and body not completely matching. However, nobody gets to make that choice. We are who we are. If we accept it, then we can find a way to live a happy life. If we don't accept it, then there is a constant battle in our minds which only leads to unhappiness.

I realise now that I have entered onto a path that is not the easiest to navigate, but I think it is the only path for me that can give me genuine happiness. I am very fortunate that my wife loves "me" the person. We are closer now than we have ever been. She makes it so much easier for me to be able to be me. And she is happier knowing that I am happier.



Jayne

[autumn08]

We are who we are. If we accept it, then we can find a way to live a happy life. If we don't accept it, then there is a constant battle in our minds which only leads to unhappiness.

Bravo!!! 

We don't choose what we like and it might seem irrational, but after we placate our physiological needs, in order to make the best of our weird, but sole existence, we must find love for who we are.

[jayne01]

Well it's coming up to 2 weeks since accepting myself. Still feeling good.

There has been some strange feelings the last few days. Kind of a panicky feeling mixed with excitement and fear. There have also been a few WTF moments (mainly while I'm at work) where I start to wonder what am I thinking? It hasn't derailed me. I just remind myself how happy I have been since accepting myself and any fears I may be having become less intimidating.

One thing seems certain - I have got myself onto a wild roller coaster ride!!!

[jayne01]

I have come to realise that indeed there is no solution to this. I cannot continue to live with the guilt of hurting other people because I have some damn birth defect in my brain. It just isn't right. This is my curse and nobody else's. I will have to find some way to bury it, or I will die trying. Being transgender truly sucks!!!!!!!!

Thank you all for your support.

Goodbye!

[Sno]

I have come to realise that indeed there is no solution to this. I cannot continue to live with the guilt of hurting other people because I have some damn birth defect in my brain. It just isn't right. This is my curse and nobody else's. I will have to find some way to bury it, or I will die trying....

You, are you.

You are extremely considerate of all around, at huge cost to yourself. I'm not sure how much they understand quite how much of yourself, you are prepared to give up, because you love them so.

If they did, I'm sure they would be urging you onward, not asking you to bury it.

Sno

[jayne01]

You, are you.

You are extremely considerate of all around, at huge cost to yourself. I'm not sure how much they understand quite how much of yourself, you are prepared to give up, because you love them so.

If they did, I'm sure they would be urging you onward, not asking you to bury it.

Sno

Just to be clear, my wife has not asked me to bury anything. She has been more supportive than I deserve. But I can see she is hurting. I have shattered her reality.

The only one telling me to bury anything is me because I cannot bear to be the cause of any hurt she may be suffering.

[autumn08]

All choices require sacrifice. The question is which choices will create the highest ratio of pleasure vs. pain. The affects of self abnegation, when its unnecessary, certainly won't.

Our self-worth is contingent upon how close we feel to our expectations of ourselves. In other words, if we feel worthy, we believe we are someone worthy of love. Therefore, the fact that you feel you're doing something wrong, is causing an outbreak of internalized-transphobia, and an attempt to hide from your gender dysphoria.

If you were a cisgender male or female, you wouldn't have the same experiences. Appreciate your life, to the point that you never trade your life for a different one, and it will cure your internalized-transphobia. Hone your focus on the choices that can improve your life, instead of pondering the unattainable, and it will make your gender dysphoria manageable. 

[jayne01]

All choices require sacrifice. The question is which choices will create the highest ratio of pleasure vs. pain. The affects of self abnegation, when its unnecessary, certainly won't.

Our self-worth is contingent upon how close we feel to our expectations of ourselves. In other words, if we feel worthy, we believe we are someone worthy of love. Therefore, the fact that you feel you're doing something wrong, is causing an outbreak of internalized-transphobia, and an attempt to hide from your gender dysphoria.

If you were a cisgender male or female, you wouldn't have the same experiences. Appreciate your life, to the point that you never trade your life for a different one, and it will cure your internalized-transphobia. Hone your focus on the choices that can improve your life, instead of pondering the unattainable, and it will make your gender dysphoria manageable.

I don't care about me. I care about my wife. She did not marry a woman. She is not a lesbian. How can I expect her to compromise her identity just so I can be happy. If my happiness requires her to be compromised in any way, then it is no longer happiness and becomes pure selfish greed.

I know I'm trans, and it sucks! But I will not be selfish and ignore my wife's needs to satisfy something that until only in the past year I didn't even know existed. It is not right.

[autumn08]

I don't care about me. I care about my wife. She did not marry a woman. She is not a lesbian. How can I expect her to compromise her identity just so I can be happy. If my happiness requires her to be compromised in any way, then it is no longer happiness and becomes pure selfish greed.

I know I'm trans, and it sucks! But I will not be selfish and ignore my wife's needs to satisfy something that until only in the past year I didn't even know existed. It is not right.

You're missing the point. Everyone's choices, including your wife's, are a compromise. Whether you try to bury your pain, or manage it, she is going to need to make a compromise. If you want to help her receive the best possible compromise, you should manage your gender dysphoria. 

To reduce pain, you can either attain more pleasure, or lower your expectations. If you want to bury your gender (eliminate your pain, without giving yourself any pleasure), you would need to lower your expectations to zero, but doing so is impossible, because its always possible to give yourself at least a little pleasure. Therefore, even though it can be arduous, to manage your gender dysphoria, you need to constantly weigh your options, in order to have a balanced approach.