I advice with a couple of things I am so miserable...

[Amoré]

I am really struggling to let go of my wife my past life

Life is also holding me back in a lot of ways from going forward I must be in boy mode at work although they all know I am trans. It is expected of me to wear collar shirts no female attire. How am I supposed to move on be in a better state of mental health if I am stuck. I need this to feel like I am gaining something out of losing my past life losing my wife and she telling me I must leave and get a life.

I must get a life....   

Well What a life she is having telling me she is the happiest that she been in years without me. She feels liberated and free. She is a control freak I told her I can understand that she has her needs and I don't fit into them anymore. I was selfish but she feels like I must get over it and tells me how I must feel should feel and that I am not allowed to love her anymore. I love her I still do but she is bad for me she is toxic and she does not deserve the love I have for someone so rood and abusive. I can't see that someone can be so abusive. Not a good word her world was the worst with me in it.

Then I get accused of being dead the male Rickus is dead apparently and Amoray is nothing of her she feels nothing for me. I feel like she killed Rickus, when I was crawling on my knees she told me I won't win I can't she will consume me and kill me. I am weak and stupid and crap.

She pushed me and pushed me why was she so cruel? How can the woman I love have been so cruel to me and is still today. I can't turn back I want to I keep living in the past and can't wake up one morning not thinking about her. I love her. It hurts thinking she is happier without me.

My bos wants a transition plan to know what to expect also how must I do it I look manly. I have man arms and my voice is manly. I hate it I hate myself and living like this it feels if I am in a little boat without purpose just taking the next breath because I have a daughter. But if she was not there I would have stopped my treatment that is saving my life against cancer also and just let it devour and kill me so that no one knew I committed suicide.

I wish someone could tell my wife your husband is alive he is in there screaming for you but you put up a wall to keep her out but that same wall is keeping him out and is killing him.

She does not know my pain no one does. So I hope in the end life really is worth this all of this the pain the tears, loss of my family. I can't help how she feels I can't control it. I love her, I mis her.

Mod Edit:Language

[TessaLee]

Amore,
I am sorry for your pain. The last time we talked, I had just left my wife, and she knew why. She knew that I was set on transitioning, and I figured she would put me down, and divorce me. To my surprise, she prayed for me and was kind and gracious. I threw my hormones away, and went back. It is very difficult though, and I am back on HRT again without her knowledge. But I think she knows. This life is not easy. You are a fighter. Don't give up. I don't know why we have such a strong impulse to transition. It wants to wreck us. Don't let it! You are not out of the reach of God's mercy and grace. Even when you find yourself rejected by some family and some friends, you are not out of reach.

[Rachel]

I am sorry this is happening to you and you are feeling so down.

You have a young child that needs you. So do not think of doing anything to harm yourself.

I think you are in love of the happy times you had with your wife in the past. Your wife is not good for you. You are going through a lot and it is normal to feel down. Work with your therapist on ways to provide some enjoyment. A walk in a park, bubble bath or new clothing.

Rachel

[suzifrommd]

Amore, I need to be completely honest with you. I hope you can handle it.

You are letting your wife live "rent free" in your head.

And it's eating you up from the inside out.

She has moved on and you are destroying yourself with stress over what she says and thinks.

Do what you have to to wipe her from your head. Pray. Pamper yourself. Get angry. Write in a journal. Talk a friend's ear off. Take a vacation. Do whatever works for you, but if you can't separate from her, it's going to kill you.

Sorry for being blunt, but you asked for advice and I feel like I'm letting you down if I don't give you the truth.

Hugs and good thoughts sent your way from someone who is very worried about you.

[Amoré]

I wouldn't have been here if I was not in a bad place and worried about myself. The thought of ending it is playing ping pong in my head for a while now. I have perfect fool proof plans for doing it.

I am stressed out because I can't fund grs even. I need that op more than anything in this world I won't say it would be the end all and be all to happiness but that is absolutely necessary for me.

I have an infection in my prostate at this stage because I refuse to touch it and clear the fluids.

But anyway am I really such a damn fool. I am butting all my responsibility for my happiness on a person that just refuses to be anything of me and pretend that I am dead.

I don't know how I can find happiness with me it is in a family that is my dream coming home to someone that loves you for who you are and not with extremely controling conditions trying to put you in a box you don't fit and if you screw up step a little of the conservative steriotypical line of what you should have been as a real man all hell breaks loose and you get accused of being emotionally abusive because you dared have a will of your own about what you also want in life.

I love her but I don't want her back I want to know what I did to deserve this in my life. A person that promise me everything and stood in front of my therapist and lied setting of a chain reaction that she doesn't want to take responsibility for. She told her I can go on hrt and she will never leave me when I was sobbing in her arms because I was scared that if I do it she will. She broke so much trust in me in people.

She told me how happy she is and all. But all hell broke loose 2 months later. I don't know what her motive or intentions was but the amount of pain I can't explain.

[Amoré]

What I don't get it the change in her. She went to a therapist and came out a different person. A selfish person a person that wants her way and will bash anything in her path that doesn't fit her picture of happiness because you create happiness but creating it in the expense of your child's emotional well being. breaking down your husband that have gd when he was struggling to stay a man I don't get it. I have a saying that you treat people around you as if it is there last day to live.

She will bash your face into the ground and make sure you felt it as long as she is happy with herself and then she will tell you it is not my fault you can't create happiness.

[cgh1523]

It maybe possable she was looking for a way out due to your struggles and when you told her she latched onto the idea as her way out and to get what she wanted. I don't know the whole story but thats what it looks like to me.

[Josefa]

  Amore,

I am new here and don't know your story but I assume you have a therapist that you can talk to about the feelings you are having concerning hurting yourself. 

Go see that therapist as soon as you can and share what's going on in your head, ASAP.

If you don't have a therapist or counselor get one and talk her or him. Please!

If money is a problem a lot communities have counseling that costs are calculated on a sliding scale.  Check with your Counties Heath Department or State Health Department.

Don't listen to those voices that want you to harm yourself.  Talk to someone besides your wife.

Keep us informed,

{{{{hugz}}}}

Josefa   

[JoanneB]

I agree with Suzi, your wife is living rent free in your head. Easy for us to say it, We've been there. If not more than once.

Life sucks. It has a TON of challenges. Shift the decimal point in the wrong direction for a trans person. Life is a ton of compromises.

My life sucks. Plain and simple. There are a lot of good things one can say about it. Also a lot of negative things. It is also the suckie life I choose. All of life is a compromise.

Only you can weigh the plusses against the minusses.

Only you can say what they are

Only you can let "The Past" haunt you.

Yeah, I know. I am haunted by dozens of demons from my past. Up to and including feeling responsible for the death of an ex. "If only..."

When I started this journey years ago all I wanted to do was to make peace with myself. The intense hatred I had for me, what I am, all that I did was eating me alive. I still have not totally reconciled with myself.

On the Plus side, me and myself and I, are talking.... FINALLY

[LostnFoundBoy]

Meditate.... Find your happy place. Tell yourself Yes you can Yes you will.

You can't control anyone but yourself.

Find a center of peace within you, which reminds you why this journey is full of challenges, only those that you can handle.

Life is too short, live up to your expectations.

[Laura_7]

*hugs*

As you see you have many people here who care.

-keep talking to your therapist
-if you are really down you can contact them:
http://www.samaritans.org/how-we-can-help-you/contact-us
Please reach out if necessary.

Its possible you have a feeling of deep resentment, and anger ... let it all go. Just forgive people and let it go. It will set you free.

Its possible your ex wife misunderstood what transgender means.
Here are two resources explaining:
http://www.acceptingdad.com/2013/08/05/to-the-unicorns-dad/
http://www.gires.org.uk/assets/DOH-Assets/pdf/doh-transgender-experiences.pdf
The last one is explicitly for transgender people and their families

Her love seems to be conditional. Meaning she has some preconditions ...

while you seem to love her unconditionally.
Imo its a matter of borders.
You might set your borders, watch out for yourself and make clear what does you good and what doesn't.
Its still possible to like another human being. But it should be said clearly if healthy borders are violated.
You are not a man. There are studies showing transgender people have the brains of the gender they identify with.
You always had the brain of a woman, and your eyes probably show that.

Well imo she will respect you more if you stand up for yourself. Without making reproaches, just stating how you feel.

Concerning a transition plan here are a few hints concerning times:
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,196114.msg1746140.html#msg1746140
You might talk through with your therapist when the best time for going full time could be.
Maybe soon if you can pass ?

I'd say do a few things you like, like dressing in your favourite clothes. Make a few photos, and soak in the moment. You can revisit those moments later for motivation.

Try to find some moments when you can relax, and reload your batteries.

*hugs*

[Amoré]

There is so much good advice around about moving on and things. She recons she must divorce I can't understand why when is there a must in divorce?   

[Violets]

There is so much good advice around about moving on and things. She recons she must divorce I can't understand why when is there a must in divorce?   

If you cannot understand why, then you are still stuck in the denial stage of the grieving process. At some point, you must accept that the relationship is over, she's moved on, and you need to move on too. I know it's easier said than done, but your life will not begin to improve until you move to the acceptance stage of the grieving process.

I know the emotions you're going through because I've been where you are now with my own divorce. You'll just have to trust me when I say that you can move on, and things will improve with time, albeit slowly.

For what it's worth, I was married for 16 years, and it took two years from the date we first separated before I genuinely started smiling again. The first six months were a living hell where I felt that the pain from the gaping hole in my heart was almost too much to bare.

There really is life after divorce. 

[Laura_7]

There is so much good advice around about moving on and things. She recons she must divorce I can't understand why when is there a must in divorce?   

I would advise you to talk to each other.

You still seem to sense she likes you.
But as you describe it she has preconditions.
Imo she feels you have a manly side and can be coerced to live this side.
But this manly side of you never was yourself, it was an adaption mask put on since childhood.
This is what she needs to understand.
And that you gradually will change into who you really are.
Its not exactly known who you will be in the end but many parts of you will remain, like a twin.

You do not need to seperate.
But you need the space to come into yourself. She needs to understand that.
Its not your fault. Your true self has suffered within the mask ... it cannot go on.
Imo you need to tell her that.

As I have said in other threads ... you might try to sit her down, and tell her you really want to talk...
then tell her that...
that what she sees in you as male really only was a mask ...
and that the real you needs to come out ... you have attracted serious diseases already by staying under the mask ...
and that it can be a good process for both of you ... parts of you will remain, new parts will appear and she can explore during the process new sides of herself too.


*hugs*

[Kylo]

It's shocking sometimes when people you love start acting like this. Sooner or later your self-preservation must kick in and realize that this person is harming you and you should take measures to protect yourself from her mentally. Or let go of the situation you had before, since it appears to have changed irreversibly.