Hi everyone, It's my Birthday!!!

[Tasha_]

Yay Jenny!! That is wonderful! I am glad you had a void experience, I go out basically every weekend now as Tasha, maybe more, and so far it has  e'en hassle free, even when I show my ID everyone has been great, no visible surprise, and still friendly, so keep it up, it only feels better as you go. Makes it hard to not be yourself that much more.

I was pretty  confused about how the thread got moved too.... lol... we'll now that I know what's going on, I'll talk to you all soon!!!

Tasha

[Rebecca]

My own reactions to hormones seem to be kinda unique and even extreme. Changes I literally could never have imagined. Things other people have been able to do all their lives but I just couldn't.  Within the first week I dreamt for the first time in over 3 decades and every night since then. My brain could finally function properly everything was somehow easier than ever. Within 3 months my emotions had been fully restored I could laugh and cry again so hard it hurts but in that way even the hurt feels good. I even care about people and love to talk with them when I'm smiling they smile back making us all happy. They have given me my life back as I am now alive after being dead for so long.

More normal changes gradually creep in I have grown small breasts. Never thought I wanted or needed them until I had them. Wasn't really paying attention just suddenly realised hey I have breasts. Now I wonder how I ever lived without them. My skeleton has unlocked like my spine has turned from a solid bar into a snake. My musculature has been rewritten making my movements less mechanical and almost musical. I love moving my body around and can even dance a bit now just from reacting to music. My waist which I had of course been working on with a waist trainer seems to be more defined and getting loads of exercise for the core from the dancing and bouncing. My cartwheels are getting better and my balance is superb love playing on beams or anything I can climb or walk along. I have so much time to make up for so I play every chance I get. My face is changing though it would be difficult to explain exactly how I definitely see myself a lot easier in the mirror even when tired like now.

Raw strength totally tanked I was always disproportionately strong but now I'm as weak as any other girl in the best possible way.

Psychologically my own identity now burns brightly within me and my fear of losing it all again now only rests with the scenario of losing my hormones which now my delivery arrived is not a problem for another 5 months. Once I eventually get onto the NHS path I should never have to worry about supply again.

So happy you have yours coming and really hope they give you everything you ever wanted and so much more.

Hair is going to be a long wait but so looking forward to it. My hair itself seems to be in great condition considering I only ever towel dry it then brush it out. Until I get split ends I'll avoid cutting but when the time comes I'll be asking to "take as little off as possible but I want it to scream girly to the world" so excited just thinking about it.

Use olive oil at the end of my own wee manicure. Leaves the nails so shiny and been told it is good for the nails and cuticles. I type a lot and fast so keeping them short for now.

Last thing particularly noticeable at the moment when I get tired I fall asleep. No more pulling all nighters if I can avoid them as I just can't handle it.

[SarahElizabeth1981]

Those are definitely some extreme reactions to the hormones. I've heard that there are usually changes in emotions. I can't wait to see what happens to me.

I understand the changes to the face... it's amazing i think. apparantly it's from the changes in fat distribution and changes to the skin. I look forward to that the most. It's exciting for me to hear that you are already seeing those changes after just a few months. I'm also excited about the breast growth. I'm used to wearing breast form all the time but for them to be real.... ohhhh so exciting.

it's interesting about the sleep too. sleep and I have a long running feud. it would be sooo great if it would help my sleep as well. oh soo many questions and no way to find out what the effects on me will be... arg I'm just going to ahve to wait and see.

[Rebecca]

Yeah if it weren't for being me I'd probably have called BS on it as it did have such a massive impact on me. Best guess the brain itself has needed E since I started to grow up but obviously couldn't get it and even worse it was given T which was a total mismatch. Et voila one underfed mutated brain. Given the long time it took for damage to add up the recovery time is incredible. I hope to never find out but do wonder how quickly it would reverse if I stopped taking my hormones from an academic standpoint. ("No hormones = dead again" so no way I'll ever stop)

Looking back I can explain so much of my previous lives as I can now see all the missing and broken bits. Honestly amazed I managed to get a great wife and kids while I was that messed up.

Sleep has changed a lot now I can dream I used to just turn off and on but never really charged up. Now as long as I get enough of it I wake up feeling great even before the alarm or kids.

I really hope you have a great time with hormones. From your pic and posts you are already starting from a great place of being so alive and already pretty.

[Jenny0713]

Jerrica, I think it is so awesome you are having such positive results from being on E. Get that nasty T stuff out of your system!   I hope I can have similar results when I start on HRT. It just feels so right when I am in Jenny mode. Went to a crossdressers meeting and felt out of place. Went to the transitions meeting and felt completely at home. So many of those people were having the exact feelings I am having. It is so amazing when you find others that are so similar. Makes me say to myself "How did you know exactly what I was thinking?"  The weird thing is growing up I didn't really have feelings that I should be female but since I started dressing about a month and a half ago (I did however try on Mom's clothes and wish I was a girl at an early age) it is all I can think of and when I am at home alone, I am so much more comfortable as Jenny than as my male persona. Someone at my meeting said I probably just didn't know that I wanted to be female but in reality I am female and need to fix my body to reflect that!  It is just mind boggling. I was so happy when I went out as Jenny the other day. It is amazing. Again I am glad you are having such a good experience and I hope I can do the same someday.

Jenny


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[Rebecca]

Yeah T really did mess me up way worse than alcohol ever did. Now I have neither in my body so yay

Always been drawn to girly stuff but as I started to grow with my T rising it was able to twist it all corrupting my desires and confusing me no end. The logic bit of my brain was able to protect me a bit through rule based constructs. But if I ever faced a situation I didn't have rules for I would freeze up not knowing what I was supposed to do like talking to people etc. Couldn't understand it at the time but did consider some form or retardation or autism as a possibility one way or another I knew I was broken and so did everyone else.

Hard to explain but best example is how kids behave in front of their friends Vs in front of parents. Which is the real them and which is fake?

I had to be fake 24/7 but as my T count rose and my emotions bled away it all seemed reasonable that I was just supposed to be that way.

I got lost as my constructs were considered to be me and I was just a weird voice in my head that wanted to be a girl. My desires still surfaced but were considered just to be sexual impulses which were indulged and enjoyed but it also served as another invalidation of my true self

When everything went dark in my mind leaving only me in my head it was amazing and terrifying all at once. My grip was very weak at first and I expected to be snuffed out again once my virtual fortress/prison came back online.

Whoa lady I'm starting to write a book here. Sorry about that I do love to talk now and might have got a bit too comfortable chatting there.

Short version I learned to manipulate my T level a bit and it helped a lot. Once I got my hormones though wow it was like "Let there be light!" kinda stuff.

Totally get the whole identifying with others. Even once I woke up it took a long time to work out who and what I was fetishist, autogynopheliac,  ->-bleeped-<- etc. In the end just like yourself the answer really was simple I was a girl all along.

Haven't actually met any other trans people since my return but have had several offers via friends recently. I appreciate their offers but now I know who and what I am (and have my meds) the world is really easy and life is great.

Do love talking to you girls though but wary of accidentally hijacking the thread or having people think "For the love of pink! Shut up and go away!"

Really enjoy hearing about your lives and admire you all for the fun things you do.

So happy when people manage to find themselves and decide to "allow" themselves to really live.

You are all amazing [emoji178]

[Jenny0713]

I actually went on T a while back because my doctor found that my T levels were low. It threw me for a loop. It was like I was ingesting poison into my body. I recently was asked again by a doctor if I wanted to try T again and I told him no since I might be transitioning and T simply was not what I wanted. I haven't had the opportunity to see what E does to me yet but am anxious to see how it affects me.

I still have second thoughts thinking I am crazy for thinking I want to be a girl but the feelings keep coming back and every time I go to my GIC meetings it just amplifies the feelings even more. The meetings themselves are like E in a way for my brain. When I hear others talk about the same kinds of things I am thinking about it makes me so excited and it really makes me feel the transition is the way to go. I am just scared of how I will come out to my work and how that will go. If I didn't have to worry about coming out to other people and worry about being challenged for my true gender, I would be completely at ease about the decision. Wow. A couple of months ago, I was married and I had no thoughts of transitioning. It is amazing how my life is changed. Now I am living in my own apartment and am ready to find myself once and for all.

Jenny


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[Rachel_Christina]

Its a great think Hormones, we all can't wait, Jerrica your results so far sound amasing!
One thing I think we all have to remember is how we feel before the hormones, we can't forget it!
So many people panic when the feel great after they have started a few months and think they never needed it, and sometimes stop! Tgey come back once all the fears and dysphoria come back once T regains control!
We make the decision now based of how crap things are, and then you get your hormones and sit back and relax!
You can't worry about how great you feel, some do!
I know we are all coming up to hormones at fairly the same time, so we are here for each other which is great!
Less than two months for me, less than a month for Sarah, and you Jenny? Do you know?
I'm real tierd of waiting now though, but I just don't think about it.
I just hope it all goes well with work, that they are decent and accepting and that I don't get so weak I can't pull my weight! :/
Anyhow, have good day dolls!
I'm off to work! :')
Hugs, Christine

[Jenny0713]

I am not sure when I will start. I have only seen my gender therapist once so far and have another appointment in the 25th. She said she knows an endo that might be able to help me but I need to work with the therapist some more before I go down the E road. I have been saying that I am not sure where I am headed but that E road looks fun to drive on. I am starting to yearn for it now I must admit. Again, every meeting I go to makes my yearning even greater. It just feels so right. It's an amazing feeling. Makes me emotional just thinking about it. Wow. I am not sure if I have ever really wanted something more. But it's such a huge decision and I have to be smart about it. Need more therapy first. Gotta figure it all out and truly find myself.


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[Rebecca]

Can defo see that happening for getting knocked through a loop my T level was below normal too and it did plenty of damage. I shudder to think what an increase would have done to me.

E was almost a blind gamble I'd read up as much as possible but got way more than I bargained for. If only I knew earlier..... think we've all had that thought lol

Your experience at the meetings sound great and the company of other like minded people can defo help on building confidence for being yourself. I enjoy hanging out here as I learn how to talk to others.

The loss of your family is tragic and I'm sorry to hear of the troubles you have had. When it comes to time we can only move forwards and we only have so much left. It is good that you have found yourself and the strength to simply live your own life.

In the end whatever you decide to do it will be your call as it should be. Nobody else has the right to say how we should live except us.

[Rebecca]

Short of my wife and kids hormones are the easily the best decision I ever made and I'm delighted to share what little I can.

The feeling before hormones is horrible to think about. A lifetime of memories that aren't mine so many missed opportunities.

Wouldn't change a thing in my past though as the worst things always led to the best through the thinnest possible chances. Like exwifes sisters boyfriends friend (who is my 1 friend to this day) had a friend I moved in with after family exile whos girlfriend brought a friend home one night and....... that night I met my wonderful wife

True story but prevents mourning for the life I never got to have. Body now is the price I pay and I consider it a bargain. However, I'll do whatever I can to fix it now and keep my family.

If all goes well I may one day be living the dream.

Timing is fantastic for us being in the same time window. From your avatars you already look totally amazing (a wee bit jealous I'll admit but mainly blown away with how great you are looking) so would expect hormones to be very kind to you all.

I wouldn't expect you to have trouble being accepted by the world given your appearances. It may be a shallow world but I also appreciate prettiness though do not demand it of others.

As I understand it you can minimise strength loss just by using the muscles to maintain them. My own vanity pushed me to actively reduce my muscle mass. Pretty sure I could restore a lot of my strength if I really wanted to but I'm enjoying being weaker as it feels more me.

[Jenny0713]

Another outing today to my GIC meeting. Dressed in heels, skirt and blouse (with padded bra underneath), I once again ventured out of my apartment to leave for the meeting. Upon starting up my truck, I realized I was almost out of gas!  Had to stop at the gas station in my heels and skirt to get some gas. That pump sure was slow!  Stopped it about half full. Made it to the meeting and back with no issues.


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[Tasha_]

Hey ladies,

Not wanting to change the subject, but I have finally set up a facebook, so if any of you have and want to connect, let me know through PM and we'll figure out how to do it. Mine is set pretty private due to the fact that I am friends with my wife and don't want her family or our mutual friends seeing it. Glad you are all doing so well, have a great night!!!

Tasha

PS,

Congratulations on another successful outing!!! It is definitely scary and everything seems to take forever the first few times!!! But I am happy for you and glad that you are taking steps moving forward!!!

[Rebecca]

Great to hear about your outing and glad it all went well.

Still to sort those settings for FB but remember seeing something about what you said. Friends can see you but but not friends of friends. Does it work?

Would love to

[Tasha_]

From what I understand, friends can see your posts, anybody can see your main info/profile pic, and friends of friends can request you. But my original am page cannot see any posts on  my new page, and I am going to have to hope that my wife's family and or mutual friends don't put 2 and 2 together... (I used her last name with a similar sounding first name) but unless you accept a request, those people cannot see your profile. I just kept the profile pic a scenic from a vacation, and the last name is common enough that it could be a coincidence. I'll open my page up long enough that I can be requested if it makes anybody feel better... but we'd have to coordinate it....

[SarahElizabeth1981]

That's great Jenny. I'm happy to hear you are having good experiences going out. I know, for me, each time i went out it got a little easier. until it was becoming more of the time and now it's all of the time. I've yet to have a bad experience and have too many good experiences to count. it's so nice to be able to transition and not have to deal with a lot of crap. Not to say there isn't any crap but it could be worse. thank god to all the ladies that pioneered the way for us. I can't imagine and don't really want to, everything they had to go through.

Jerrica have you noticed a difference in the amount of body hair you have? And don't worry about hi-jacking the thread. I think it's a group thread and group discussion for us all to talk and share. Thank you all for sharing your thoughts, questions, knowledge and experience. I know it's helped me and that is what I want to get out of being here on Susan's.

[Rebecca]

Thanks Sarah. I do worry a lot about pushing myself into people's lives enthusiasm is great as long as I don't become intrusive.

Body and facial hair I've never had anywhere near as much as "normal" people (so funny being upset about it and other anomalies when younger that I'm now truly grateful for) but still enough to make me feel like a wookie.

Body I'm shaving no more than once a week when before I couldn't handle any more than 2-3 days tops.

Face usually every 2nd day so I don't aggravate my skin too much. Going to be a hard week as I had my last shave on Tuesday (driving me nuts already) and need to survive until Monday before I get my next one due to electrolysis on Saturday (3h). I love having it done and look forward to it being finished forever but the week before it is very hard to take. Get tempted to ask her to just do it all until she falls over but the risk of damage wouldn't be worth it. I trust Gillian and know she'll go as fast as possible while preserving my face. (It might not be much but it's mine).

To ease the waiting I now eat junk at my lowest to cheer me up. Nothing quite like a feast with the family to forget about things for a while which has also kinda helped me break out of my anorexia a bit so I guess the feelings of being ugly have also had another plus point.

Back on topic body and facial hair growth have been slowing and is getting finer. Even developing clear bits. Whether credit goes to hormones or laser I don't really know but all progress is welcome.

Added a hair, skin and nail vitamin supplement to my daily pill popping. Worst they'll do is nothing so giving them a shot for 3 months. Shifting focus from body shape to hair as apart from SRS, trach and dental I'm becoming quite happy with my body. Hair I think will massively tip the balance for how I'm read so long as I keep my mouth shut.

Decided to investigate nail shaping as my nails have always grown ridiculously fast so going to finally get to try out longer nails.

Still no word on speech therapy and too scared to try anything in case I cause any damage to vocal chords etc. Despite it being impossible changes have been noted in my speech. My lower ranges are more uncomfortable, even painful to access (avoiding using to try deprogram their usage too) and when I get excited my voice goes higher. Even singing pony songs I'm getting a bit higher but only when I don't think about it. I think possibilities exist for my voice but like the face I'm terrified of breaking it.

[Jenny0713]

Got a new wig today and a makeover. Changed my profile picture. What do you think?


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[Tasha_]

Beautiful Jenny!! Funny thing is that that is pretty simple to the last one I bought!! Lol.... the shorter ones are definitely easier to manage and keep nice. But you look great!!

[Rachel_Christina]

Its really nice Jenny, the shorter wigs look much more real, and much more natural most of the time!
I'm lucky hair has alwas been long, its starting to come . Couple inhes below the shoulder now, but I put in extensions as you can see in my profile pic!
Watched for you eyes only, the last day, anything like the hair on the girl whos father is killed on the boat!
It is amasing, nobody does that grows their hair long and looks after it like that anymore, I'm gona try my best to get it that long!
Also Caroline Cosey is a little extra by the Swiming pool in the film, you just see her walk by :')