Hi everyone, It's my Birthday!!!

[Rebecca]

Random news I have a new friend who didn't know of my "history" and is absolutely lovely in every possible way. Purely as a friend ofc not a romantic interest (different world sure, after all she's amazing, but not in this one) but it's like having my own personal sun as she's just so full of positive energy; the type of friend that makes you feel great just by being there.

Anyhoo I basically outed myself directly during tea as I was going nuts hoping she didn't know but wondering if she did in the back of my mind and I picked up a couple of breadcrumbs that made me think she knows now (possibly via FB as I friended her last night). So I asked her how long she knew and she said knew what? and I just came straight out with it "that I used to be a guy" annnnnnnd..... she said "I didn't until now" so I was majorly kicking myself but suppose it would have been inevitable as eventually the parentage of my kids or something would have come up as she is very open with me and I am with her. Going back over the breadcrumbs I realise now it was a question of sexuality as she knows I live with a woman and "we" had kids so I was pretty upset with myself for a couple of minutes.

Moving swiftly along though to reaction it didn't phase her at all as she reminded me she doesn't care about my past  (we had previously both alluded to bad pasts during our last tea) she just knows me as Jerrica and that I'm her friend and that's all she needs to know. After that she fixed my upsettedness with a hug. I know she wont discuss it with anyone so I didn't ask and admittedly I like that I don't have any secrets from her now. It's amazing how much I can trust her just out of nowhere she is truly a remarkable woman and I'm so lucky to have her as my friend.

Lesson for me for the future though to consider a curiosity about my sexuality before jumping straight to "OMG she know's I was a guy!!". Live and learn I guess and she is no less amazing than before but it does leave me personally feeling a bit less as before I was 100% female now I'm 99.9999999999%.

[Rebecca]

Sorry for 3 posts in a row but this deserves it's own post.

I wanted to say sorry to Jenny as I've unfriended you on FB due to my own trans-shame issues and desire for a "normal" life. I thought I had managed to keep you secret but FB kept flagging you to people as "people you may know" with the 1 mutual friend being me. It was the only remaining trans flag in my life which gave me a total heart attack when I found out especially when I considered my new friend would see it. With my world gradually getting a bit bigger I just can't handle the risk of being tagged like that and I'm sorry that I'm that weak but as you know I'm a lot of things but at least I'm honest.

Not even sure if you'll have noticed as you do have a lot of friends but I felt you should have a proper explanation as you deserve better than a stealthy unfriend.

I do feel bad about it as I genuinely think it's great that you're so confident and being so open doing what you do in so far as it's the right thing for you and that you are happy but it's something I cannot nor desire to do.

Christine, Tasha & Sarah are all privacied up to the hilt (like mine) so even if someone does get nosey they'll see nothing that can harm me and that's the way I see it; my trans history is a weapon. Whether it's ever used or not doesn't matter as it gives people power over me and makes me feel like others will see me as being less me.

It's shallow and horrible etc but my trans history is very traumatic to me. It cost me half of my life before I got to be alive and another year or 2 to go before I consider myself fully recovered so I'm more than happy to bury it in an unmarked grave and walk away without looking back.

[Jenny0713]

Jerrica, I had not noticed you I un-friended me. I must admit I feel a bit sad that I was the only one you had to do that to but I do understand. I was a bit surprised to see you on FB in the first place. As long as I can continue to be your friend here, that is good by me. But did I do something wrong?  I am a bit confused. Don't let it worry you though. I am not upset. Just sad that I can't see your wonderful pics anymore. Maybe things can change down the road.


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[Rebecca]

Nothing you did wrong at all as I'd never change you and I am truly sorry as I would avoid hurting you if I could.

Unfortunately FB is too clever for its own good. If you try looking at my profile now you'll see there's nothing there apart from historical profile pics which are all very generic and "nontrans" related. So to the outside world I'm just that. I'm another unremarkable nobody and I need that. In the flesh I am equally unremarkable and be passed by or interacted with as any other woman.

From inside though friends can nose about my other friends even if they can't see them directly as people can click on likes to see profiles from regular curiosity which is pretty rare unless bored.

FB however decides to offer up hidden (privacy set so friends can only see mutual friends) friends for other people as "people you may know" despite having no link between us except the FB friendship which is supposed to be private and only visible to mutual friends which is pretty ridiculous that they could possibly know you being different country etc. It's a horrible flaw as they offer you promise of privacy then blatantly publicise your private information.

The others have their privacy locked down in a similar fashion to mine so even though my FB friends can find them there is nothing to see if someone does follow the breadcrumbs.

Like I say I'm glad you are you and happy but you are able to handle things that I simply can't.

I can't handle the concept of "being" trans and I do tackle it within myself and I can't stress strongly enough ONLY myself as a birth defect that once fixed I'll never admit to anyone that it ever happened.

As I'd never tell and nobody should be able to tell without a DNA test nobody would have any reason to suspect I was trans..... unless I was publicly friends with some halfway around the world that was openly (and rightly so) trans. It would only be natural to see the pic complete with banner and 1 mutual friend being me which then makes a connection between me and transexuality that I just can't have.

There are then possibilities which again natural curiosity would lead to "How do you know....?". Sure I could lie and weave a web of deception but I don't lie if I can avoid it.

So how do I avoid answering the question?
By preventing the question ever being asked.

I am full of contradictions I judge myself by impossible standards which I only hold me to because I am me. The rest of the world is allowed to be anything they want with no questions asked but I am driven to my own impossible view of perfection.

Part of that is the appearance of a "normal" life without the slightest hint to the contrary which for now at least means no public trans links.

It's also how I killed my first FB as it had plenty trans stuff like transition stuff which would be kept from all but my innermost circle. So when it came time to finally be just regular everyday boring me I had firmly decided "no trans stuff" on this one. I still wanted you in but not visible to others and thought I had solved it with the privacy settings but apparently not.

Think I'll be switching my personal bits from FB to WhatsApp as I don't trust FB with my secrets any more but need to think a bit more about it first.

[Jenny0713]

Don't feel bad, Jerrica.  I am honored to have you as a friend no matter where it may be.  I am actually very envious of you.  The fact that you can act in stealth is so cool.  There is no way I can begin to do that.  One look at me and everyone knows what I am doing.  I guess that's why I decided to be so open about my transition.  If I can't hide it, might as well tell the world, right?

Anyway, be happy and be yourself.  That's the most important thing in life.

Love always, Jenny.

[Rebecca]

Glad I've still got you here too ♡

Had to laugh at myself there as I read stealth and thought "I'm not stealth I just don't tell people about my history" then had a total "Ohhhh" moment when it clicked. I couldn't lay claim to true stealth though as people exist who know my past but as it never comes up I guess I kinda am.

Sounds a bit sneaky and duplicitous stealth though like you are hiding something. For now I suppose that's kinda true (who the heck would look for THAT though) but that something is being fixed soon then nothing to hide any more.

As for yourself time will tell. I'm no looker by any stretch of the imagination unlike some here on Susans who are outright gorgeous but I might make it as far as pretty some day if I'm very lucky/good.

As for envious I wouldn't be so sure. In some ways I am lucky in so far as my mind and body have recovered spectacularly well since I got back with my face and body being rewritten (maybe 10 years younger now if I'm being generous to myself) which is great for recent history but there was massive price.

For better or worse you all got to live with your mind intact. In pain at times but intact. I still sometimes try to get into past memories and draw nothing. Family have lived, died and even started families of their own. Even their children ,that I don't remember, now have children (I'm a great aunt who doesn't even know the nephew who's child I am the great aunt of) and I know none of them beyond those who existed before about 1988 with the feelings towards them preserved. Everyone has gotten so old I expect to see them almost 30 years younger but when I do I am reminded just how much time has passed. I have to accept I have skipped those years but my body will have aged too just like theirs.

It's a staggering loss but maybe I am lucky. Maybe it's fitting he died so completely for me to come back. I could lament the fact he ever existed... if he wasn't the father of my children.

Wow that went from laugh to deep pretty quickly.

Moving onwards though I'm just a regular girl with a wee bit of memory trouble and I can totally live with that.

Who knows maybe I'll get my memories back some day and find out I'm an assassin like amnesia chick in "The Long Kiss Goodnight"

[Jenny0713]

I have memory issues too. I suppressed most if not all emotion for the last 30 years. My sister claims I used to play dolls with her and we would take baths together. I don remember the dolls at all. I only remember the baths because I think I have seen pictures of when we were little. There are also many people in my past life I don't remember at all. I remember at a previous job, a co-worker came up to me and said we were pals when we were kids. I had no clue who he was.  Back then I had no idea I should have been a girl and did all the macho things like served in the military, grew a full beard, etc. It's only recently I have realized who I really am and it has completed my life like something was missing. Pretty amazing really.

Anyway, I am glad we can continue to talk here. FB is over rated anyway. 


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[Rebecca]

Defo don't envy the emotional suppression thing as that sounds really horrible. I don't think I'd have the strength to do that.

Ah well we bury the past and we move on. Our futures are ours to enjoy as best we can.

On to merrier news it's Friday!!!!

[SarahElizabeth1981]

Hey girls, got back home yesterday and went out for my friends b-day. had sooo much fun. there are a couple pics on FB I had planned on taking a bunch of pictures but well, it just didn't happen. I've never been a big drinker and haven't had more then a drink in years.. but with the risks associated with drinking and estradiol I figure I may not take any chances in the future. So I had a few drinks last night.  with my lack of drinking it didn't take much. I guess as they say I'm a cheap drunk. nobody tried to take advantage of me though. so disappointing heheheehehe

I will be heading back to calgary for a couple more days. just three more sleeps till I see the doctor again and get my hormones. 

[Rebecca]

Got to admit I don't know any risks with alcohol and estradiol  but it's very rare that I drink so not too worried. I'm sure you'll get your chance to be taken advantage of soon enough lol

3 sleeps to go = awesome

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[Rachel_Christina]

Hey girls!!
I seen the photos on Facebook Sarah, you look great!
And I seen a photo with your natural hair too, it looks really good! Will you wear it natural soon?
It must be pretty long now?

I had my Estradiol dose up 50% and androcur was good the whole time, I am soooo happy!
4 months of no T, i was feared it may have been high, I have been feeling so great the whole time, I just thought nothing really changed.
Next year is gonna be serious, Can't wait. Just 15 days of work left and then 3 weeks holidays! :')

[Rebecca]

Brilliant news Christine. So glad it's going well and imagine that 2017 is going to make 2016 look like it was nothing.

Going to be fun all round

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[Jenny0713]

Hey Christine. Wasn't sure if you were talking about my post with my natural hair or Sarah. I hope to lose the wig in 6 months to a year from now. Just depends on how fast the hair fills in up there. I am hoping to get my E and Spiro raised this week too. Did blood work on Monday and my doctor appointment is on Thursday morning. Very anxious to see what the results of T and E are compared to the original baseline before hormones. I will keep you girls posted.

Yes, Sarah looked awesome in those pics. The lady in red!  Whistle whistle.

Talk to you girls later. Hope all is going well with you all.

Jenny


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[Rachel_Christina]

Thanks girls, its really nice to know it was pretty close to perfect.
Its so funny I honestly have had no odd effects or feeling from HRT atall. But I am super happy, duno is it placebo though.
And no Jenny I was talking about Sarah, but you made me go quick and check, and now I see your pic too,
It looks really good, have you noticed much regrowth??

[Rebecca]

It's that way if it's all a placebo effect don't tell me I'll take it 

Everything is just easier with T out and E in. All positives and zero negatives here too.
Like absolutely everything is easier as if I was previously drugged up to the eyeballs before but now my body and brain are clean I can function normally. As my body is rewritten I see more of me every day which means every day is better than the day before it which is seriously awesome.

Seems like you might be having a similar-ish experience with the added bonus of being so much younger you lucky girl.

[Jenny0713]

Hehe.  I had a feeling you were talking about Sarah but I wasnt sure since I had posted the pic with my natural hair as well.  Its getting there but has a long way to go.  The Finasteride and Rogain helps.

[Rachel_Christina]

It is so easy now isn't it?
I am lucky for being younger, but still I have mostly developed i think, anyway we can't dwell on that, its funny Jerrica you really have the look of people i know back home, you to me look totally passable. I have yet a while to go!
And Jenny I think it looks really good anyway, I moniter mine all the time, they start white get about 5 milimeters long, turn brown, and start to thicken after months! :')

[Rebecca]

Thanks Christine I don't really dwell on the age bit tbh but who wouldn't love a dozen years back. My extra years got me my kids though and I've been lucky enough to roll back a few years since I got back so it's all good. You're gorgeous irrespective of your age we're definitely charmed that's for sure

It's silly but one thing I kinda forgot to ever think about was passability which sounds really absurd especially when I see old pics. Ok that and plans and.... huh.... everything.... now that I actually think about it I never really consciously transitioned either I guess. It sounds like a really scary process in all honesty if you break it all down just so many changes I wouldn't know where to start but I dunno it just all felt like growing up. Looking back at the past year is really cool. January seems like forever ago and suppose it was from my perspective. Up side of a memory wipe maybe; I'll take it though.

I stand by my first comments about your avatar pic you look great and I feel you have nothing to fear. You have a great time ahead of you.

Loving that you reckon I could blend in back home that I like a lot. I'm happy enough to just get on with things but I admit I have been catching myself in the mirror (or any reflective surface - uh oh vanity alert, maybe) a bit more recently and I like it. My teeth are still a mess but I don't care I like seeing me and it makes me smile.

For better or worse I am hung up on looks and while I didn't really have any plans before I wanna be pretty someday but I'll need to quick as I'm probably not going to get much younger. Still not got any real plans but got a serious impulse to do something with my eyes so guess it's time to learn eye stuff. Think it'll be fun as I've never done makeup before apart from lippy which I just can't live without now.

Darn kids calling me on my promise to take them to McDs guess I stop my ramble here for now.

ttfn x

[Rachel_Christina]

The kids must be deffinitly the best part of not dealing with the trans stuff, I have banked to atleast have a chance to have my own. I have always woried about it though.
Ha when Micky Ds is mention, you have to go, I never miss, I was ther yesterday after picking up my prescriltions lol
Bed time!, night!!

[Rebecca]

It's the best thing ever I love being a mum ♡ It's the most demanding job ever even with 2 of us we're always busy with the kids.

Really hope you get the chance to have kids if/when you want to.

It really has been an amazing year for us all and as I've recently noticed it's December tomorrow!!!!! We've almost finished 2016 and we've all made good use of it

I don't usually do McDs but all 5 of us have been sick as dogs for days so our return to health deserves a one off crapfest to celebrate. Got to admit though I did actually enjoy it and ate like a pig but it was my first decent meal in 3 days so I've kinda earned it.