hurting

[gnb984]

It hurts so much to want to be there with your partner, to realize that you accept and love them no matter what their gender to just be rejected as worthless in their eyes.  I believe my partner knew of their struggle even before our relationship, and it hurts me that I am portrayed as worthless despite accepting her and helping her realize about her transition. I was good enough to help and now I am trash. What is confusing is that she tells me she loves me but then doesn't want me in her life. I am broken.

[iamkaylakoch]

I'm in the same place right now

Sent from my HTC One M9 using Tapatalk

[HappyMoni]

Dear g,
   I am sorry to see you are still in such pain. There are a lot of people on this forum, I bet, who would love to know someone as warm and accepting as you. I guess there are no magic words to take the hurt away, but I hope you will find your way, when you are ready, to finding someone who will love and appreciate you. Your ex sounded like a very confused person. It stinks that they hurt you so bad.
Moni

[JoanneB]

I am so sorry you are in such pain. And seemingly needlessly too as there is no "Logical" reason for it. If it is any help, For most of us our lives are a contradiction in logic. Cycles of Splurge and Purge. Guilt and Shame are our Masters. It takes time and and a lot of hard work to become masters of our demons. Of our pasts. Of our guilt and seemingly shame.

Running away, or isolation is usually easier then taking the risk of ultimately being rejected.

[Marienz]

It hurts so much to want to be there with your partner, to realize that you accept and love them no matter what their gender to just be rejected as worthless in their eyes.  I believe my partner knew of their struggle even before our relationship, and it hurts me that I am portrayed as worthless despite accepting her and helping her realize about her transition. I was good enough to help and now I am trash. What is confusing is that she tells me she loves me but then doesn't want me in her life. I am broken.

I am so sorry for your pain:( I know exactly how you feel[emoji26] I wish I had better words of encouragement... But I can say I understand where you are at X


Significant other
Heterosexual woman

[gnb984]

Thanks y'all. I'm just left without a lot of answers. And I feel so shut out of her life. It's sad that I was the one that accepted when no one knew - but I guess now she has her awesome life without me in it. I'm the one that wasn't worth accepting or caring about. Or at least acting like I mattered. I hurt and feel lost each and every day. I wanted to still be a part of her life and help her  but I'm shunned like I never meant anything at all. :-(

[HappyMoni]

I'm the one that wasn't worth accepting or caring about.

I hope you don't feel this way about yourself. It sounds like you did so many things that many others would not have the empathy or compassion to do. You were dealing with someone who has been very inconsiderate of your feelings. I know you are sad, but don't let this experience make you question your self-worth. I hope you feel better.
Moni

[gnb984]

I guess what I mean is that Im not worth it to her- Its just so hurtful to know that I was the one that accepted and helped her before anyone else, and now that she has all these other people Im thrown away.  I wrote her a letter I spent weeks on reflecting on how things had happened our whole relationship - on both of our sides- and like explaining all the things I had thought about we would have to deal with in the future after she transitioned and how I wanted all of that with her and everything, and she couldn't even tell me she read it. I can't even friends with her or tell her she looks beautiful now. Its just a lot of pain everyday.  Yet all these people who were not nearly as close to her as I was and who didn't have to go through all I did in this, get to do all of those things with her. Maybe that sounds stupid, Im just really really heartbroken, and I still have not really understood why this has all happened.

[Marienz]

I guess what I mean is that Im not worth it to her- Its just so hurtful to know that I was the one that accepted and helped her before anyone else, and now that she has all these other people Im thrown away.  I wrote her a letter I spent weeks on reflecting on how things had happened our whole relationship - on both of our sides- and like explaining all the things I had thought about we would have to deal with in the future after she transitioned and how I wanted all of that with her and everything, and she couldn't even tell me she read it. I can't even friends with her or tell her she looks beautiful now. Its just a lot of pain everyday.  Yet all these people who were not nearly as close to her as I was and who didn't have to go through all I did in this, get to do all of those things with her. Maybe that sounds stupid, Im just really really heartbroken, and I still have not really understood why this has all happened.

I'm so sorry for the pain you're feeling:( your post reminds me how I felt 5 months ago... And still in someways today! I would of stayed with my special someone as well... And still would go back today. The difference is we have stayed good friends (I would like more).
I know the pain you're feeling... The reality is, aless she can see for herself that your love and friendship are worth it, in her eyes she won't come back. She may never realise this or possibly she might... But in the meantime you seem like a wonderful human being who deserves happiness:) this is super hard I know:(
Hugs


Significant other
Heterosexual woman

[stephaniec]

sorry, I've never really had anyone and my pain is somewhat different of never knowing love.

[AnxietyDisord3r]

It hurts so much to want to be there with your partner, to realize that you accept and love them no matter what their gender to just be rejected as worthless in their eyes.  I believe my partner knew of their struggle even before our relationship, and it hurts me that I am portrayed as worthless despite accepting her and helping her realize about her transition. I was good enough to help and now I am trash. What is confusing is that she tells me she loves me but then doesn't want me in her life. I am broken.

Sometimes people are so afraid of rejection they pre-emptively reject the people they love. Maybe she feels so bad about herself she just assumes you can't love her like this.

OTOH, sometimes in crisis people reveal what they're made of and we find out things about people we wish we didn't know. It is a possibility she's just not the person you thought she was and fell in love with.

Remember to take care of yourself. If and when she reaches out to you again will your first reaction be anger? Bitterness? Realize you can't save her, only offer a lifeline.

[gnb984]

Yeah I think it could definitely be either one of those possibilities. The true colors aspect- I guess I've tried to excuse some of her really terrible actions to me because of how difficult/ confusing/ huge these changes have been.  I wasn't perfect either- but I think my extreme devotion, support and love deserved a little better treatment then I've had.  I guess I just always hope/think that she was a better person like I remember she could be underneath all of this.  The whole thing has left me so confused and broken.

I supposed after all the did to me through this and has cut me out of her life completely I should be angry.  I helped her a lot and wasn't given very much time to even process anything before she left- but Ive told her since how much I want this/her still in pretty extreme detail of what our future would entail and how I was ready for the challenges etc.  At this point I don't even know if she read what I said to her- which I worked on for weeks before I gave it to her...

If she were to reach out to me? It definitely wouldn't be met with bitterness- I know it makes me sound pretty spineless but I would be so happy if she did reach out to me- I hope and pray for that everyday.  She was my best friend and the person I wanted to share my life with- and I still want that regardless of gender. I can't make her love me or want me, but  I guess  Id be happy to just be part of her life in any way- just to be part of this journey with her.  And if I can't, I wish I knew more of the real reasons why and what she wanted out of life- since before she always seemed to want the same things as me and that was something we loved about each other.. This whole thing has left me with so much confusion and no sense of any closure if thats what it has to be.

I probably shouldn't really have any hope at this point.  But I still miss her everyday. Sometimes I feel like i would give anything just to see her and hang out. She left so fast that I never got to really experience a lot of things with her and be excited about it all with her. As I've said before, I guess all I can do is wait and see.

[Sarajane]

It hurts so much to want to be there with your partner, to realize that you accept and love them no matter what their gender to just be rejected as worthless in their eyes.  I believe my partner knew of their struggle even before our relationship, and it hurts me that I am portrayed as worthless despite accepting her and helping her realize about her transition. I was good enough to help and now I am trash. What is confusing is that she tells me she loves me but then doesn't want me in her life. I am broken.

I must admit, I've had this fear myself.  I've been conflicted with worrying between when and if statements.  I decided I didn't want to live in fear of the unknown.  I choose daily to live in the hear and now. I keep my thoughts positive... I cherish the time I have left with the one I love.
You are an amazing person who stood by your love... you did all you could for them and never gave up... It's hard sometimes to accept, but our paths in life take us many different directions... Something wonderful is just around the bend!

[gnb984]

Hey Sarajane

I thought this post went through last night but I guess it didn't. What I can tell you is your feelings of if and when are normal- as I think most other people would agree with on here.  It already means a lot that you are staying with your partner and even considering those things. Some people leave immediately- place ultimatums- which they can do- thats their choice- but Im just saying you are already trying to be understanding and considerate.

I think at this point what hurts me the most is the amount of understanding and openness I showed- and how I gave my partner so many opportunities to share openly what she really wanted now in life- and she promised me that she was not leaving me in this transition.  I was open sexually/ and ok with her becoming a woman or possibly involving men- and instead of ever sharing that with me she instead insisted that wasn't it and blamed me / worried I would think thats what she wanted.  I was blamed for her inability to be honest with me.

I can hope and pray that your partner will be honest with you- I did all I could and was open and honest with mine- and thats all you can do too. It already seems like your partner is giving you more time to cope with the changes.  As SOs we will have moments of sadness and confusion and that needs to be understood- but our love can still be there. 

I don't really know at this point if ill ever really be able to trust someone again. I hope and pray that your situation works out- there are many others on here that do- actually they even posted/told my SO on here that it was possible. Just keep trying to communicate and take things slow with your partner.

<3

Brittany   

[Sarajane]

Hey Sarajane

I thought this post went through last night but I guess it didn't. What I can tell you is your feelings of if and when are normal- as I think most other people would agree with on here.  It already means a lot that you are staying with your partner and even considering those things. Some people leave immediately- place ultimatums- which they can do- thats their choice- but Im just saying you are already trying to be understanding and considerate.

I think at this point what hurts me the most is the amount of understanding and openness I showed- and how I gave my partner so many opportunities to share openly what she really wanted now in life- and she promised me that she was not leaving me in this transition.  I was open sexually/ and ok with her becoming a woman or possibly involving men- and instead of ever sharing that with me she instead insisted that wasn't it and blamed me / worried I would think thats what she wanted.  I was blamed for her inability to be honest with me.

I can hope and pray that your partner will be honest with you- I did all I could and was open and honest with mine- and thats all you can do too. It already seems like your partner is giving you more time to cope with the changes.  As SOs we will have moments of sadness and confusion and that needs to be understood- but our love can still be there. 

I don't really know at this point if ill ever really be able to trust someone again. I hope and pray that your situation works out- there are many others on here that do- actually they even posted/told my SO on here that it was possible. Just keep trying to communicate and take things slow with your partner.

<3

Brittany

Both of us have therapists helping us through this period in our relationship.  I must admit it is helpful to get an outside opinion and vent sometimes when I am worried or feel inadequate. She has been mentioning starting HRT soon, so I am nervous about that, and how she will feel once she starts.