Quote from: gnb984 on June 11, 2016, 11:33:02 AM
From start of her saying she might want to transition or do this part time to her wanting to completely transition- 12 days to 2 weeks. During that time, yes, I was sad some of the time, but I also was the first person to put makeup on her, and tried to help teach her about it- Gave her so much of my clothes and shoes-- and then on her birthday also gave her every possible makeup item i could think of needing/wanting and brushes and a mirror and then all this the girl stuff. I had some sadness and lots of questions- but I was maybe given a day or 2 of that before she had enough of me. Its not about the items- its about the fact that even if I was sad, I tried so hard to show her so much support and love.
That was all in late April. I really had no idea that she had felt this way- there were a few things she would do- I knew she wanted breasts but I thought it was more of a comfort thing/ she wasn't interested in anything girly. It never bothered me and she said i was the only person that had accepted it/her.. and in a kinda messed up way I guess I helped her realize she wanted to transition- as she has even said.
Feeling like I am just a bad memory from the past is definitely something I think a lot about. Especially if she wants to forget about her old self- I was a huge part of that old self. I think what I don't understand is why when I want to love her now as HER not HIM that she still views me as that. That she could say I was the person by her side that gave her the strength and now she can't even acknowledge my existence. The last time I actually saw her in person few weeks ago after a court issue surrounding when we broke up- she told me she loved me more than once. I don't understand if she loves me why she would be doing things this way- still. It hurts a lot to feel like I'm the one that can't be accepted because I was a part of her past- when I am completely accepting of her.
Meanwhile, she has let many people from her past into her new life. She hasn't shut everyone out like she has done to me. Its sad because I just want to talk to and spend time with her. I really would be like the happiest person ever just to have that again. I just want to start over. I guess I don't understand why I am not worth that opportunity, after I didn't abandon her for any of this.
I did write her a letter- I worked for a really long time on it. I gave it to her the last time I saw her. It goes through everything really clearly, and apologizes of my mistakes and tells her how much I had thought about our future and still wanted all of that with her. She's never even told me if she has read it. Ive barely tried to talk to her since- last night I text her that I still missed her and loved her and wanted to support her. Its hard for me this weekend knowing that its the giant trans health conference and I wish I could have gone with her.
Im sorry for all my moping- I think its because I just have no understanding of why things are this way.
First, stop apologizing. None of this is your fault. I like to say everyone is to blame and no one is to blame, because it's pointless to attempt to assign it or second guess any mistakes either of you may have made. Things happen, and they don't always have an understandable reason. Would it really make you feel better to know exactly why she broke up with you? You're assuming there's a good reason that makes sense, when there probably isn't.
Those new people in her life aren't as risky, nor are the people she wasn't intimate with. You're risky because of all the feelings attached. And trust me, you're not missing much when It comes to the beginning of transition. Most of us go through a few periods where we are a hot mess of emotions and neurosis, once we get used to hormone replacement a lot of us stabilize.
You are worth that opportunity, but she may not be ready. She might not ever be ready. She might not be right for you, just as much as you might not be right for her. Relationships aren't a one way street. If any of your understandable struggle with her coming out and the breakneck pace for transition rubbed he the wrong way, she's just as at fault for having such thin skin and not being patient with you while demanding you be patient with her. It isn't fair to turn someone's life and expectations upside down and then abandon them while their trying to make the best of it. But life isn't fair.
Stop trying to contact her for now, y'all broke up so you need to give her space. Delete her number from your phone so you won't be able to drunk-text. If she's going to reach out to you, let her make the move. Give her a year to reach out to you, and move on if she doesn't.
Things are this way because she made a lot of choices without consulting you. She does need to take charge of her transition and not burden everyone with the details, but keeping those who are important to you in the loop is usually a good idea.
Hugs,
- Katie
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