Quote from: Obfuskatie on June 11, 2016, 11:08:40 AM
I think I may have seen your posts off and on, I don't really go through that section of the forum much though. I apologize for not reading through the entire story, I referred just to this thread in case I was mixing you up with another person because I'm bad with names/screennames without faces.


Fault and blame doesn't have anything to do with it. Yes promises were made and broken, but that happens in all relationships given enough time. When I say this isn't about you, I mean both her trans-ness and her stepping away from your relationship. The time frame is hard to deal with, especially for SOs, although she is most likely trying to make up for lost time.

My main question is: how long has it been? When I came out to people, I planned to give them a year or two to adjust and switch pronouns and names and stuff. Although my family still use my old name, which can also be read as my first and middle initials, KC, which I did intentionally since my mom said she would have named me that way had I been female bodied at birth. I honestly think you need to give it time, either she'll come back, or you'll move on eventually.

Whether you like it or not, you represent a piece of her past. New people don't know her before her transition, and she won't have to second guess herself the same way with new people the way she would out of habit with you. It isn't about how much she does or doesn't care about you if she's trying to run away from her past. She may also simply be working on fully realizing herself before she can face you.

Nevertheless, I still think you're too invested in all of this. Remember that you're a person who is worthy of being loved, smart and determined enough to become a doctor. There's nothing wrong with you, and not that getting mad about it will help, but what she did to you is a jerk move.

If you still feel you have to talk to her and work things out, write her a letter, then burn that letter and write a second one that's more reserved, and email it to her. Give her a timeframe to respond, otherwise you will be taking it as her signal to move on. And then don't expect to resolve this relationship even if she does respond. Only 44-ish percent of couples make it through a transition. There are plenty more people for you to choose from that will be better able to communicate and love you in a way that makes you happy.

Have you ever considered that she might be self-sacrificing by not forcing you to have to be with her as a trans woman? Every group has its jerks and self-proclaimed martyrs.


     Hugs,
- Katie
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

From start of her saying she might want to transition or do this part time to her wanting to completely transition- 12 days to 2 weeks.  During that time, yes, I was sad some of the time, but I also was the first person to put makeup on her, and tried to help teach her about it- Gave her so much of my clothes and shoes-- and then on her birthday also gave her every possible makeup item i could think of needing/wanting and brushes and a mirror and then all this the girl stuff. I had some sadness and lots of questions- but I was maybe given a day or 2 of that before she had enough of me. Its not about the items- its about the fact that even if I was sad, I tried so hard to show her so much support and love.

That was all in late April. I really had no idea that she had felt this way- there were a few things she would do- I knew she wanted breasts but I thought it was more of a comfort thing/ she wasn't interested in anything girly.  It never bothered me and she said i was the only person that had accepted it/her.. and in a kinda messed up way I guess I helped her realize she wanted to transition- as she has even said.

Feeling like I am just a bad memory from the past is definitely something I think a lot about.  Especially if she wants to forget about her old self- I was a huge part of that old self.  I think what I don't understand is why when I want to love her now as HER not HIM that she still views me as that.  That she could say I was the person by her side that gave her the strength and now she can't even acknowledge my existence. The last time I actually saw  her in person  few weeks ago after a court issue surrounding when we broke up- she told me she loved me more than once.  I don't understand if she loves me why she would be doing things this way- still. It hurts a lot to feel like I'm the one that can't be accepted because I was a part of her past- when I am completely accepting of her.

Meanwhile, she has let many people from her past into her new life. She hasn't shut everyone out like she has done to me. Its sad because I just want to talk to and spend time with her. I really would be like the happiest person ever just to have that again.  I just want to start over. I guess I don't understand why I am not worth that opportunity, after I didn't abandon her for any of this.

I did write her a letter- I worked for a really long time on it. I gave it to her the last time I saw her.  It goes through everything really clearly, and apologizes of my mistakes and tells her how much I had thought about our future and still wanted all of that with her.  She's never even told me if she has read it.  Ive barely tried to talk to her since- last night I text her that I still missed her and loved her and wanted to support her.  Its hard for me this weekend knowing that its the giant trans health conference and I wish I could have gone with her.

Im sorry for all my moping- I think its because I just have no understanding of why things are this way. 

Quote from: gnb984 on June 11, 2016, 11:33:02 AM
From start of her saying she might want to transition or do this part time to her wanting to completely transition- 12 days to 2 weeks.  During that time, yes, I was sad some of the time, but I also was the first person to put makeup on her, and tried to help teach her about it- Gave her so much of my clothes and shoes-- and then on her birthday also gave her every possible makeup item i could think of needing/wanting and brushes and a mirror and then all this the girl stuff. I had some sadness and lots of questions- but I was maybe given a day or 2 of that before she had enough of me. Its not about the items- its about the fact that even if I was sad, I tried so hard to show her so much support and love.

That was all in late April. I really had no idea that she had felt this way- there were a few things she would do- I knew she wanted breasts but I thought it was more of a comfort thing/ she wasn't interested in anything girly.  It never bothered me and she said i was the only person that had accepted it/her.. and in a kinda messed up way I guess I helped her realize she wanted to transition- as she has even said.

Feeling like I am just a bad memory from the past is definitely something I think a lot about.  Especially if she wants to forget about her old self- I was a huge part of that old self.  I think what I don't understand is why when I want to love her now as HER not HIM that she still views me as that.  That she could say I was the person by her side that gave her the strength and now she can't even acknowledge my existence. The last time I actually saw  her in person  few weeks ago after a court issue surrounding when we broke up- she told me she loved me more than once.  I don't understand if she loves me why she would be doing things this way- still. It hurts a lot to feel like I'm the one that can't be accepted because I was a part of her past- when I am completely accepting of her.

Meanwhile, she has let many people from her past into her new life. She hasn't shut everyone out like she has done to me. Its sad because I just want to talk to and spend time with her. I really would be like the happiest person ever just to have that again.  I just want to start over. I guess I don't understand why I am not worth that opportunity, after I didn't abandon her for any of this.

I did write her a letter- I worked for a really long time on it. I gave it to her the last time I saw her.  It goes through everything really clearly, and apologizes of my mistakes and tells her how much I had thought about our future and still wanted all of that with her.  She's never even told me if she has read it.  Ive barely tried to talk to her since- last night I text her that I still missed her and loved her and wanted to support her.  Its hard for me this weekend knowing that its the giant trans health conference and I wish I could have gone with her.

Im sorry for all my moping- I think its because I just have no understanding of why things are this way.

First, stop apologizing. None of this is your fault. I like to say everyone is to blame and no one is to blame, because it's pointless to attempt to assign it or second guess any mistakes either of you may have made. Things happen, and they don't always have an understandable reason. Would it really make you feel better to know exactly why she broke up with you? You're assuming there's a good reason that makes sense, when there probably isn't.

Those new people in her life aren't as risky, nor are the people she wasn't intimate with. You're risky because of all the feelings attached. And trust me, you're not missing much when It comes to the beginning of transition. Most of us go through a few periods where we are a hot mess of emotions and neurosis, once we get used to hormone replacement a lot of us stabilize.

You are worth that opportunity, but she may not be ready. She might not ever be ready. She might not be right for you, just as much as you might not be right for her. Relationships aren't a one way street. If any of your understandable  struggle with her coming out and the breakneck pace for transition rubbed he the wrong way, she's just as at fault for having such thin skin and not being patient with you while demanding you be patient with her. It isn't fair to turn someone's life and expectations upside down and then abandon them while their trying to make the best of it. But life isn't fair.

Stop trying to contact her for now, y'all broke up so you need to give her space. Delete her number from your phone so you won't be able to drunk-text. If she's going to reach out to you, let her make the move. Give her a year to reach out to you, and move on if she doesn't.

Things are this way because she made a lot of choices without consulting you. She does need to take charge of her transition and not burden everyone with the details, but keeping those who are important to you in the loop is usually a good idea.


     Hugs,
- Katie
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

I guess I assume there's a good reason- but you're right, maybe there's not. It's hard for me to think of moving past something if I still don't really understand why things happened the way they did.  Ive never understood why she has been so extreme about all of this- and why she can't be compassionate enough to me to really talk to me about it or care about how much I am hurt by her acting as if I am dead. I wish I had a chance to show her that Im not sad about her transition, Im sad about not having her in my life.  I wish I had a chance to show her I am excited for her.

For me, I  know even when she had decided to transition, she said she didn't want to lose me and I didn't have to ever worry about losing her love- then she left me. It's hard for me to understand why she would act this way after how serious we were about each other.  I don't think either of us took the things we said to each other lightly about spending the rest of our lives together. That doesn't mean it always works out or people don't break up- but I think I deserve to know why I wasn't worth it to her to even communicate with. I also wish she would tell me why what we had isn't worth a chance after how much I have stayed by her side. Maybe whatever it is is hard for her to say, but the whole situation and how everything has happened has left me feeling so lost.  When I say "I'm not worth" i mean not worth it to her. I know I am worth being loved and cared about- its not about my self esteem. I think it's been really hard for me though, to experience the person that made me feel more loved and accepted for who I was than anyone ever has- to turn into the way she has treated me now.

In so many ways I feel like we would be happier now that she is living as who she really wants to be. But I acknowledge that  I can't make her want to be with me or force her to. I want to understand why she can't just talk to me and tell me why she has treated me this way- and why I can't be in her life at all.  I wish that all I did to love and support her was at least worth an explanation.  At this point I don't even know if she read/heard all I really wanted to say to her in my letter I wrote.. Its hard to move on , if I have to, without any real peace or knowledge of so many things. 

  Many SO's get a bad reputation - even though everyone has to do what makes them happy.It breaks my heart that so many transwomen have told me that their SO's left them or threatened to leave them when they transitioned and that they wished they had had a partner that was supportive of them like me.  Even though this is nice, I wish my ex would feel this way as well.  I guess its hard for me to see why they took all my help and love and then ditched me like I was a terrible person, for my insecurities and mistakes- at a time when they would probably be at their worst- I guess I was always the type of person that wants to treat others like I would want to be treated. I didn't want to give up on her and I thought she wouldn't give up on me. I miss her everyday and wish she would speak to me in some capacity. 

Hey yall- I haven't posted back in a while.

I broke down lately and tried to text her again- just telling her how much I wanted to be in her life in some capacity and support her. That I still loved her and missed her. She never responded. It seems like I am dead to her. Its almost like I never existed.  It is the most pain I have ever felt.

I wish I had a chance to show her how much I want to support her and how much I have learned about myself, our relationship, and what she has and is probably experiencing as a transwoman, but I can't.  In a weird way, when I see or hear about those of y'all that have stayed together, or read about others that have, even couples that have kids- it makes me sad because that's what I want with her- but  its almost like she doesn't even acknowledge I exist anymore.

I just was re-reading through some of your responses on here- and I really appreciate all your help and support.  I still miss my SO every single day. Sometimes I feel ok for a little while- but so many things remind me of her. I cry almost everyday because I have so many questions I have no answers for- I have no understanding about why she has chosen to treat me like she has.  I think its hard for me to be "mad" at her despite how horrible she has treated me in all of this because I am at the same time empathetic to what she must be going through-  because I love her so much. I guess I just wish she wouldn't treat me like I am not even alive- that even if she views me as such a negative now that she could at least explain things to me more, or be honest about everything. I feel so bad about whatever pain I have caused her and have tried to apologize. Its just very hard for me.

Anyway- guess this was just a rant/ emotional throw up lol... but I just want everyone on here to know that you are all beautiful.  As a cis woman, I have learned so much from all of you.I have come to view all of you as just as much women as me. You are all beautiful and I really appreciate your support and kindness. 

If any of y'all pray- maybe you could pray for me too.  I know I do- everyday, for her to know how much I still love her and that I am still here for her.. :-/

britt

Hey again Britt,

I just wanted to check in with you and see how you're holding up. Whether you're in the process of moving on, or still a bit stuck. Or even if everything turned out well, and is resolved.

One of the things Dan Savage says often that has stuck with me is that "closure is a present you give yourself." It sounds like a fortune cookie aphorism, but it's more true than you might think. I'm hoping you found a way to let things go and not dwell on the reasons and underlying machinations of your SO. A month isn't really a lot of time, so I don't expect it all to be over and done with, but it might not be quite as raw now as it was earlier.

Anyway, I'm just hoping you're alright


     Hugs,
- Katie
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