Hi I'm Wendy

[wendylove]

Hi
I suppose my story's no different to anyone else's, full of denial, fighting the real truth, trying to have a "normal" life the problem being by doing so I was actually doing the opposite.
Looking back I have been fighting and denying the real me.
I, like so many others fought the real me by doing masculine activities above and beyond those of others.
I engaged in sports such as rock climbing, pot holing, parachute jumping, rugby, triathlons. I went through a period of power lifting, taking steroid's and male growth hormones where I completed charity events and gained local celebrity status, signing autographs and the like.
Met a beautiful women, got married, couldn't have our own children so we adopted a wonderful little boy.
I have spent all my life doing "manly" jobs, construction worker, truck driver and so on.
My whole life has been based around being a "real" man and doing what "real" men do, grrrrr....
However.
I have recently been hit by a freight train, a really big one.
I've realized that my life has been one big lie. 
Looking back at old photos the signs have always been there just suppressed.
I have always known that I wasn't me, that the person looking back at me through the mirror wasn't the person on the other side of the eyes.
In secret I have regular worn womens clothes and felt great in them not always sexual but just....comfortable, normal, at home.
And now?
I feel trapped, I know the real me is awake and she doesn't want to stay hidden anymore however if I come out my normal life will be over.
If I come out my marriage will be over, theres no if's or buts it will be over, my wife will not understand at all.
The sames stands for her family and mine too, they are all homophobic my friends too, I will be alone.
So here I am trapped, suffocated by overwhelming emotions, the real me beating at my chest to escape, clawing at it with her perfectly manicured nails and then the outer sack, the other me, the fake me, the me that has got so much going for him, a beautiful family that would be destroyed if she escapes, theres no denying that, she has no future in his life.
I am now at a point were yes I have considered suicide on a number of occasions, it would be easy and a simple way to escape.
I have no one to talk to, no one that understands.
Thats why I've turned to you guys and girls.
I can not see a way out, I can not see any way that will work.
Typing this message has been a help but it will be a short lived relief.
She is now dominating my thoughts, when I'm awake and asleep.
I'm not sure what I'm hoping to gain from this but I'm finding it easy to get some release.
I hope you understand.
Wendy 

[V M]

Hi Wendy 

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Hugs

V M

[Dena]

Welcome to Susan's Place. Consider your options. Your situation will not get any better if you remain where you are. Are your friends really friends if they can't accept you as you are? You wife is a different consideration but you must be showing some signs of discomfort that are making you marriage more difficult. I was at this point in my life were I didn't really have anything to live for and I took the risk. Friends were not an issue because I had so few. My family though I expected to lose them, stayed with me. People when faced with reality often reconsider their view and do what we don't expect. Will people stay with you? I haven't a clue but if you are considering suicide like I was, you have little to lose by coming out.

[Veronica J]

Hi

I was/am in a similar situation.

I have 5 kids, i made the decision after nearly leaping in front of a train, that weekend to seriously think about me. I had spent my whole life about others.. so that weekend while i was away for work, i did a great deal of soul searching, going thru memoriez/photos  (identic memory helps). And realised if i continued in this life i wpuld be dead inside of two years.

So the following monday i told my wife i want a separation and divorce in 1 year. And she asked me why?  Told her in due time i will twll you. And she was honest enough to tell me, half the time i am away to never come back and the otger half for the cops to ring the door bell brining news. It was a hard month while she prepared to move to new zealand and telling my whole family of the separation. All i told my family i grew up with that deperession has a lot to do with it. Anyway the night my wife and kids felw out i told my second eldest sister of the why.

She was a bit shocked, but told me her husband and her were talking a while back and he simply said "i know what your siblings problem is. He was born male and is a transsexual" and she agreeded. needles to say after hearing this i was totally floored.

She took time to come to terms with it.. now i am boarding with her for a short window time till my finances stabilise. And her legs and mine are the same length and getting all sorts of tips on where to buy clothes.. and she even gave me nakeup and showed me how she does her makeup.

My folks and two sibilings (oldest and youngest) are anti lbgt.. esp trans and my wife too. Its why i choose to split and made the decision if i have to go alone so bit.. and placed a post on fb stating this.. i am traveling down a road i must go down and if your with me.. awesome if not your loss.

98% of male wardrobe has been either throwen away or gifted. I only have male work clothes and 5 male shirstz.. everything else is female clothes, whenever i am in male drag life is tedious.

I still have severe bouts of deperession.. but am seeing a therapist.

Go see a therapist whobis lbgt friendly and start talking about this with a live perso .. they could give u tools to deal with it and help u.

With your family, and wife and kid you may well be suprised.

Me i am expecting to have only one sibling when all is said and done. And am prepared to go all the way with my transsition..i aimply cant go on living like this.. not like this.

Stick around and make friends here.. we all need ears now and then.



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[wendylove]

Thank you for your comments. The funny thing is I know what needs to be done and I knew that this site was the place to come to talk I also know that I am not unique to these feels and that all of you are out there are either living the same nightmare that I'm currently going through or you've already gone through it. Reading your comments does make things clearer and yes of course you are right but it doesn't make my journey any easier.

I've just taken my first step and booked to see the doctor who will refer me to a specialist perhaps then she will finally find her voice.

[Veronica J]

Thank you for your comments. The funny thing is I know what needs to be done and I knew that this site was the place to come to talk I also know that I am not unique to these feels and that all of you are out there are either living the same nightmare that I'm currently going through or you've already gone through it. Reading your comments does make things clearer and yes of course you are right but it doesn't make my journey any easier.

I've just taken my first step and booked to see the doctor who will refer me to a specialist perhaps then she will finally find her voice.

U r unique, everything about each and everyone of us is unique. Some experiances may be similar in some circumstances, but unique all the same.

IMO its not always meant to be easy. . Wish it was tho, wish my folks let me be me years ago and helped me on my walk.. rather then the fear i have/had and my feeling of worthlessness. They did teach me to stand up for myself.. but each time i gonna i dont..i have many fears.. and the inner child is prpne to reaccting and not thinking.

Its hard journey,but a worthwhile one. I would rather be the person i am meant to be and be around for 40 more years. Then out of my kids life and the world a whole lot sooner. You are strong enough to make it thru all this.. after all u made it this far on your own will power.. and have the strenght and courage to go on.

I beleive all who are on this journey, have huge amounts of courage and strength. Are amazing people, with huge hearts. We all got this far we can all go futher in life.. it takes courage to post here.. and its a step.  Just keep taking one step at a time.. one day at a time. Dont live in the past, but the here and now, enjoy the present. Its a gift every moment.

I allways ask"whats the worst thatcan happen?" And then once i have my answer i ask myself "then what will i do about it?"

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