my experience on passing, getting clocked and fake compliments

[Denya]

I know that we should all embrace who we are and should be treated with respect, no matter what. I get that, but, passing makes life incredibly easier. I have seen thousands of times how passing can improve the quality of life and how being clocked can erode your self esteem.

I read a lot of the comments on this site about the topic of being clocked or passing, and one thing I noticed is how many people got stares and thought they were being clocked but then, the staring person said something about the lipstick, earring or anything of that matter. That is not a good indication of whether you are passing or not. In fact, most people who clock will NEVER admit that they clocked you, when confronted. They will try to find an excuse and pretend they were staring at the earring or at your make up. Good friends and supporters will make you believe you pass, but, you are better off being prepared that some day, somewhere someone will clock and say something rude to you. This attitude is much healthier than fooling oneself that the other person is staring because of make up or other stuff.

Then I read comments about body language and attitude being the most important factors to pass. That is not the case. The bone structure makes the difference. The face, especially. Even after FFS and hormones, some of us are left with heavily masculinize bone structure. No amount of body language, hormones or make up will fix the disfiguring effects of testosterone.

So, what is the solution? The solution is trying to live with dignity and trying to improve ourselves but also not hiding the head under the sand and believing that we pass.

The other day I was in line and I spotted a transsexual. It took me less than a second to spot her. I then kept observing her (while she couldn't see me) to try to figure out what gave her away. She was incredibly small, short, thin, with ridiculously small hands and feet, a very small face and yet I could spot her right away. She was also dressed nicely. The bottom line is that there is something intrinsic to being born male and every single cell in our body screams male or female. Saying that even Cisgendered women get read is delusional. The sooner we realize that we do not pass as much as we want, the better.

[Ms Grace]

The other day I was in line and I spotted a transsexual. It took me less than a second to spot her. I then kept observing her (while she couldn't see me) to try to figure out what gave her away.

As transgender people ourselves we usually have highly attuned transdars and are able to spot things the average person wouldn't notice in a hundred years. When I notice another trans person in public - regardless of how "passable" they seem to me - I'm more interested in the people around them. None of them seemed to have noticed the trans person at all and that's what's really important in the grand scheme of things.

[Veronica J]

Grace i think u tight.i do the same and gen can spot themtoo, sonetines it takes several min.. but no oneelse notices.

Sent from my SM-N915G using Tapatalk

[EmilyMK03]

I agree that as trans women, we are able to clock other trans women more easily than cis people.  We're more likely to be familiar with the specifics of what makes a face look masculine, and we know exactly what facial features to look for.

[Miss Clara]

As President Abe Lincoln said: "You can fool all the people some of the time, and some of the people all the time, but you cannot fool all the people all the time."

[RobynD]

Personally, i do not think a lot about getting clocked/passing or seeing others. Sometimes i do notice obviously transgender folks or people presenting as gender variant.

I popped out of an alley on the way to my car parked near my office the other day and saw a very happy looking person with light facial hair, wearing a skirt and cute boots and some sort of faux fur vest. We almost collided on the sidewalk, and just smiled at one another.

[itsApril]

The bottom line is that there is something intrinsic to being born male and every single cell in our body screams male or female. Saying that even Cisgendered women get read is delusional. The sooner we realize that we do not pass as much as we want, the better.

Trans people are our own harshest critics.  It's rarely as bad as we fear.

[Denya]

I popped out of an alley on the way to my car parked near my office the other day and saw a very happy looking person with light facial hair, wearing a skirt and cute boots and some sort of faux fur vest. We almost collided on the sidewalk, and just smiled at one another.

I look very happy to the external world even when I am incredibly depressed. You don't live with this gender variant person 24/7, you can't make assumptions about her happiness. I too have seen some very unpassable cross-dressers in stores and it looks as if nobody was paying attention to them, but we don't live with them and one of them was assaulted the other day, I have read in the local news. Morale of the story: just because someone looks happy for a minute and nobody is bothering them the minute you are seeing them, you don't know what is going on in their life.

I hate to say this, but being unpassable is a nightmare. Being constantly ridiculed, laughed at, scrutinized can ultimately take a toll on your health.

[Devlyn]

Lighten up, Francis.

[Atom]

The last time I was "clocked" wasn't down to make up, walking, body language and so on. It was purely work related.

I had to go through a rather tight vetting process, which means someone opening up your cupboard in the corner and pulling out all the skeletons from it. Then examining them very very closely.  And then asking about their imperfections.

If it was just a DBS check, I would've been fine due to no prior convictions.

Anyway, obviously my situation had to be fed back to my boss, who didn't know till that point.  He was fine, just said as far as her was concerned, he's employed a 21year old manager who gets the job done.  We laughed as I'm in my 30s, I think he was trying to break the ice.  No sweat, but closest Ive come in many, many years.

[HoneyStrums]

Passing I don't care much about that. Yes, it would be nice to not have customers at work say things like, I dint think you was alloud to do that at work (that being wear woman's clothing) but I respond with fact, im not wearing woman's clothing im wearing my clothing that are mine and belong to me.

Instead I would much rather b accepted as trans, but that is because of what that means for me, what it mean is, im invited into the fem toilets buy all the woman I work with, I exsplain that untill I get my certificate of gender change that . Illiegal.

They all have the idea ridiculass, and and now all use the dissabled toilet and have re named it, disabled and STAFF.

That might be a half measure, but why is more important to me, it means that the woman I work with accept me as female and see it is right for us all to use the same toilet.


It also means that when I do get missgendered they luagh and make fun of the person, with hah you just called a girl a guy.

To be honest, some of us have to fight so hard to be accepted, and have t force ourselves with other women.

Far better is find it to be when the other woman make changes to acomadate the inconveniences trans throws in their.

Passing don't care for it. people pointing out I don't pass, yeah that I care for. But no way am I going to change my behaviours to prevent it.

I'm me, and that's all I'm ever going to be, and all I want to be.

An I ca say that because, by the people who kno me, im accepted a exacly what I am, right now, but that's a woma with a pinis, that looks like a guys. And that is exacly what I am.

[RobynD]

If you look at everything through a gender and looks based filter, than i am sure it can be super problematic if you do not meet yours or others expectations for what you should look like. I totally get that.

I guess one of my defense mechanisms has always been not to think to deeply on all of that. My first filter is everyone is my brother or sister, we are all human and we all look unique. Everyone can improve and look their best but i have never thought that people were trying to fool anyone, myself included. I'd love to look like Kim Karshashian (and about 100 other celebs) and be her age by the way, she is soooo cute!! in my book. But, you know i am pretty happy with what i look like and pretty pleased with my life overall.

If you dwell on what you are not, you never get to enjoy what you are.

[Karen_A]

. The bone structure makes the difference.

I agree that bone structure/proportions are a big factor and the bigger one is (I am not talking about weight), the more proportions matter. (assuming a decent voice)

Those that are small and slight get a pass on a lot of things. The bigger one is the less masculine proportions are "forgiven"

I have a big male build (along with big hands and feet) and been told by a number of people thatI pass better when I am significantly overweight (which I am again, after having lost a lot of weight and had things get worst) as that hides my shape (but has a host of other issues).

As I had FFS, I do pass most of the time but every once in awhile I get read and comments get made as some people are very good at picking up unconsciously on incongruous proportions...

That said I also had nurse practitioner in a gyn practice so a PAP smear on my and not realize I'm a post-op.

I am guessing that 30 or 40 years ago (IF FFS had been available) I would rarely if ever gotten read... But in the T* aware world today, I know it's going to keep happening once in a awhile.

Over the years I met some that I believe never get read even in this day and age, but that has not been the case for the majority I've met.

Then again over the years in general I've seen those that never get read tend not associate in 3D a lot with those that do, so that skews individual estimates of how many do and don't.

Best not to worry about it ahead of time and deal with things as they happen, ***if*** they happen, and if they do don't dwell on it. One tends to be a lot happier that way.

- Karen

[Denya]

My first filter is everyone is my brother or sister, we are all human and we all look unique. Everyone can improve and look their best but i have never thought that people were trying to fool anyone, myself included. I'd love to look like Kim Karshashian (and about 100 other celebs) and be her age by the way, she is soooo cute!! in my book. But, you know i am pretty happy with what i look like and pretty pleased with my life overall.

If you dwell on what you are not, you never get to enjoy what you are.

If everybody was brothers and sisters, we wouldn't have so many hate crimes. We don't have the luxury of seeing everything through the lenses of optimism and utopia.

Also, this is not a matter of wanting to look like a supermodel or Kim Kardashian. It is not even about being superficial. It's about quality of life and trying to blend in to avoid problems

[RobynD]

Problems are sure to come regardless of our ability to blend in.

I'll take optimism over pessimism any day. I'd rather be let down than believe badly in the majority of people.

[kittenpower]

I realize that I do not pass to everyone, and knowing this takes a lot of pressure off of me, because I don't have the constant concern of whether I am being clocked or not, at this point I really don't care, and since my self esteem is bigger than my ego it's not something that weighs me down.

[2cherry]

I know that we should all embrace who we are and should be treated with respect, no matter what. I get that, but, passing makes life incredibly easier. I have seen thousands of times how passing can improve the quality of life and how being clocked can erode your self esteem.

Not sure if it makes life easier for everyone... I held that assumption, but came to realize that passing doesn't guarantee quality of life. Lot's of woman who "pass", eventually spill the beans because they like to share their complete life. Undoing all that work in order to feel relieved from holding secrets to loved ones.

I read a lot of the comments on this site about the topic of being clocked or passing, and one thing I noticed is how many people got stares and thought they were being clocked but then, the staring person said something about the lipstick, earring or anything of that matter. That is not a good indication of whether you are passing or not. In fact, most people who clock will NEVER admit that they clocked you, when confronted. They will try to find an excuse and pretend they were staring at the earring or at your make up. Good friends and supporters will make you believe you pass, but, you are better off being prepared that some day, somewhere someone will clock and say something rude to you. This attitude is much healthier than fooling oneself that the other person is staring because of make up or other stuff.

The ones that clocked me, admitted it upfront. Yes, good friends and supporters will make you believe you pass, but only to the extend that they remember how you were before and cannot imagine the opposite gender on you. It's hard to shake the idea that someone you know is suddenly another gender. Try it: imagine a relative to switch gender, would you think he or she ever passes? I guess not. But someone who never met you, might think you pass because they never saw the previous gender.

Then I read comments about body language and attitude being the most important factors to pass. That is not the case. The bone structure makes the difference. The face, especially. Even after FFS and hormones, some of us are left with heavily masculinize bone structure. No amount of body language, hormones or make up will fix the disfiguring effects of testosterone.

Well, body language and attitude is important. I don't think you can lump those together with having surgeries to remove the effects of testosterone. They all stand on their own, and are all important to some degree. Because conversely, no amount of surgery can make you female if you aren't one.

So, what is the solution? The solution is trying to live with dignity and trying to improve ourselves but also not hiding the head under the sand and believing that we pass.

Passing is a loaded word with multiple descriptions. I have been called a goddess and a freak, and everything in between. I've been clocked multiple times, and I've been praised as "a beautiful woman" multiple times. What's the difference? different people, difference in perception.

The other day I was in line and I spotted a transsexual. It took me less than a second to spot her. I then kept observing her (while she couldn't see me) to try to figure out what gave her away. She was incredibly small, short, thin, with ridiculously small hands and feet, a very small face and yet I could spot her right away. She was also dressed nicely.

How do you know you are 100% certain? you don't, and you never know because you never asked. You had a hunch, that's all. I've seen cis men and woman in all shapes and sizes, even cis-woman who look like drags in real life, only to discover that they were cis later on.

The bottom line is that there is something intrinsic to being born male and every single cell in our body screams male or female. Saying that even Cisgendered women get read is delusional. The sooner we realize that we do not pass as much as we want, the better.

That's your bottom line. But no one holds a patent on reality and the truth. The way you see the world is uniquely yours, but it might be different from what someone else sees.

[2cherry]

As transgender people ourselves we usually have highly attuned transdars and are able to spot things the average person wouldn't notice in a hundred years. When I notice another trans person in public - regardless of how "passable" they seem to me - I'm more interested in the people around them. None of them seemed to have noticed the trans person at all and that's what's really important in the grand scheme of things.

I struggle a bit with why anyone can 100% sure without any definite proof?

Here is why I think that: A while back I was looking at a webpage of a girl doing fashion reviews. She looked like MTF, but turned out to be cis. Why then, did I thought she was MTF? well, her picture and youtube video's reminded me of someone here on the forum... her jaw looked very much like a guy would have, some bossing and large nose. I made some kind of cross-judgment based upon what I was exposed to before. So I linked the two together and made a snap judgment, but reality was different: she was 100% cis, when I read about her life and pregnancy

This has already been said, but I like to reiterate this: the public has been made more T-aware, and because of that the clocking rate might increase because the public is now being exposed to MTF faces which they can correlate unto new faces, increases the score of successful clocking (whatever that means actually...). Public awareness is certainly not a good thing for those who try to pass. It's a semantic minefield...

[Denya]

Problems are sure to come regardless of our ability to blend in.

Just because problems are sure to come regardless, one has to do anything in their power to minimize these problems. Saying that Problems are sure to come regardless of our ability to blend in, is like saying that burglars are going to break into houses anyway, so, it's useless to use locks, alarms and security.

[Denya]

I realize that I do not pass to everyone, and knowing this takes a lot of pressure off of me, because I don't have the constant concern of whether I am being clocked or not, at this point I really don't care, and since my self esteem is bigger than my ego it's not something that weighs me down.

The problem I was raising is not whether you care or not, but how being realistic and well grounded helps more than wishful thinking. More power to you for not caring. I personally care and I know other people who care. We can't help. We desire to blend in. Are we criminals or psychotic for having such a legitimate desire?