Binge Eating, Bulimia and Gender Dysphoria *TRIGGER WARNING*

[Tristyn]

I'm really sorry, WarGrowlmon, I had no idea you had chronic illnesses too....I get so wrapped up in my own suffering that I forget that others suffer too. I feel so selfish. All I care about is me, me, me, but it makes me forget that you all hurt too. The only way I know how to deal with it is with food......I'm sorry for my crappy response but i still feel hardly present....

[Elis]

I just ate too much junk food to deal with my cr*p. It's not a crappy response at all. Right now I feel like I'm slowly swimming through different scenes that make up each day. It's like I don't feel connected to what anyone's saying or doing around me.

[WarGrowlmon1990]

I'm really sorry, WarGrowlmon, I had no idea you had chronic illnesses too....I get so wrapped up in my own suffering that I forget that others suffer too. I feel so selfish. All I care about is me, me, me, but it makes me forget that you all hurt too. The only way I know how to deal with it is with food......I'm sorry for my crappy response but i still feel hardly present....

It's all good, Tristyn. No need to feel guilty... and I am such a huge hypocrite in saying that cause I myself feel guilty when I think about how many people out there are worse off. Sometimes I feel guilty about the "privilege" of not getting targeted by blatant transphobic attacks... but then I realize it's not a privilege at all cause I'm not out to everyone and get misgendered all the time. It's not much better when you try to talk about issues to certain individuals who will then spout things like, "Hey, at least you're not living in a hut in Africa", "At least it's not cancer," "You should just be happy. There are so many people out there worse off than you." Uggghhh. That's probably one of the biggest stigmas with depression and other metal illnesses. I'm glad to hear your response again. You say it wasn't much but it reassured me that you're still here. After I sent you that message (I'm not even sure if you got it cause I didn't realize you had to save copies of them in the settings) I felt awkward and guilty, as if I said something weird or wrong. I'm like that pretty much after every interaction I take. Even if somebody is being kind to me and shows no judgement, the social anxiety will just take over my mind and it's almost like it plays tricks on me, making me feel like I'm alone and nobody cares. Even after I post this I'm gonna feel ashamed immediately after because I feel guilty and stupid for not having all the answers.  But this forum has shown me otherwise. No matter how guilty/stupid/awkward I feel not one person has shown judgement towards me yet.  I don't have too much advice, but I know how it feels to struggle with so many things at once, and I'm here to listen and be as supportive as I can, despite being all the way in Canada. And if eating makes you feel better, by all means indulge. It helps me too, especially comfort foods like cake or chocolate. Heh, now I'm craving some of that good stuff.

[WorkingOnThomas]

I have failed this term of college. I think I am too crazy to even finish school. I keep ending up in the hospital. My dad has no idea. I am a failure that should be destroyed.

I dropped out of school at one point after I was involuntarily committed to a mental ward. Didn't help the suicidal impulses, quite the contrary. But I eventually got free of my family (helped a lot), went back to school, and graduated with a BA and MA. Now I'm doing my doctorate. And, frankly, most people would consider me quite crazy (I have a lot of stuff going on). I'm not a failure. And neither are you. Everyone's got their ->-bleeped-<- to deal with, and you're dealing with yours. May not be the best way to deal with it, but you can work on that. And in the meantime, you're still here. Each second, no matter how crappy, is a win. That's how I get through things these days anyhow. I just tell myself I can endure a second of anything when it gets bad. Sometimes I mess up, but I give myself another chance.

And each second I'm still here is a great big go to hell to the people who treated me like an animal when I was a kid.

Mod Edit:Language

[Tristyn]

I dropped out of school at one point after I was involuntarily committed to a mental ward. Didn't help the suicidal impulses, quite the contrary. But I eventually got free of my family (helped a lot), went back to school, and graduated with a BA and MA. Now I'm doing my doctorate. And, frankly, most people would consider me quite crazy (I have a lot of stuff going on). I'm not a failure. And neither are you. Everyone's got their ->-bleeped-<- to deal with, and you're dealing with yours. May not be the best way to deal with it, but you can work on that. And in the meantime, you're still here. Each second, no matter how crappy, is a win. That's how I get through things these days anyhow. I just tell myself I can endure a second of anything when it gets bad. Sometimes I mess up, but I give myself another chance.

And each second I'm still here is a great big f you to the people who treated me like an animal when I was a kid.

Wow, Thomas, that's really awesome! That's the best revenge you could ever achieve; proving the haters wrong. This really woke me up just now. I mean, I really am getting better, even if it's slowly. I'm just taking it day by day. For a while, I wasn't really eating much recently, but am getting myself to eat more and more each day even if it's just pizza and junk food. :p It's hard to exercise like I was prior to my hospital admission a couple weeks ago; I was restrained in bed for an entire week so my body aches but it's getting better every day. I find little things to do to keep my mind occupied which greatly helps diminish suicidal ideation, depression, pretty much any negative impulse. Even just coming to Susan's more often and talking with people. I've even made some friends in the chat! ^^ I guess we all have setbacks but we can get back up, dust ourselves off and carry on, right? And I am learning to do that.

And each second I'm still here is a great big f you to the people who treated me like an animal when I was a kid.

Yes! The best vengeance, ever! I love that because it makes the haters look like idiots, which they are anyway....I'm getting back the; "I don't give a (bleep) attitude."

[Paige]

Hi Tristyn,

I had bulimia in high school and university, I really despised male puberty and didn't want to gain anymore weight.  I also had an alcohol and drug problem.  Needless to say my first shot at university was a complete bomb.  Failed first year, went back to try again and failed again.  By that point my gender dysphoria made me a complete wreck.  I was having constant anxiety attacks.  In university I was completely afraid to talk to administration or professors.

So I went and worked for a bit and eventually took a summer university course at a different university.  Doing well in that one course gave me confidence to continue.  I decided to go full time again and eventually got my degree in Mathematics/Computer Science.

I guess what I'm trying to get at is it's not always the first or second time you succeed.  It may take more tries.

The cause of all my problems was gender dysphoria.  I had to battle that all along.  It wasn't fun but I couldn't at the time see any solution except to hide it. 

I've battle this ever since.  I should have transitioned years ago.  I think it would have solved a lot of these issues.

Take care and good luck,
Paige

[Tristyn]

Hi Tristyn,

I had bulimia in high school and university, I really despised male puberty and didn't want to gain anymore weight.  I also had an alcohol and drug problem.  Needless to say my first shot at university was a complete bomb.  Failed first year, went back to try again and failed again.  By that point my gender dysphoria made me a complete wreck.  I was having constant anxiety attacks.  In university I was completely afraid to talk to administration or professors.

So I went and worked for a bit and eventually took a summer university course at a different university.  Doing well in that one course gave me confidence to continue.  I decided to go full time again and eventually got my degree in Mathematics/Computer Science.

I guess what I'm trying to get at is it's not always the first or second time you succeed.  It may take more tries.

The cause of all my problems was gender dysphoria.  I had to battle that all along.  It wasn't fun but I couldn't at the time see any solution except to hide it. 

I've battle this ever since.  I should have transitioned years ago.  I think it would have solved a lot of these issues.

Take care and good luck,
Paige

Thank you so much, Paige! I like to hear these type of success stories. I'm sorry you weren't able to get hormones sooner. Trust me, I feel likewise. Puberty is the worse for those of us who have to endure it's suffering without the aid of puberty blockers and stuff like that to help along the way. But you and Thomas made it and really bounced back even after falling down. So many trans people here have! But I just don't know anymore. I want to call my education advisor and really explain the situation. I don't want to give up on my dreams of becoming a medical office administrator just yet! But I don't know if I have the composure.