Unsure

[SadieBlake]

Cathy, Bob,

It couldn't be more clear to me that you're suffering from depression. I hope you can address this as transition alone may not solve depression and depression will make it harder to chose a path as a trans woman.

Comparing yourself to others with an eye to judgement rarely helps, yes some have it worse than you, others have it easier and none of that ultimately matters, we all do the best we can with the hand we're dealt.

You've related some very sad things about your relationship with wife and daughter. My ex was as bad as you relate and we never even got to addressing my transexuality. My daughters are better than ok, if one has been given to being judgmental, happily she's begun to evolve past that.

I would say take satisfaction knowing you've done your best to play it their way and I think you can be proud of bending over backward to try to accommodate. Now however think you might want to try changing the conversation.

I may have intoned this before, my gf has known I'm trans from the start , 18 years now and has been accepting up to the point of talking about transitioning medically. When I decided to start hormones and plan for srs I didn't tell her because I needed to decide for myself and knowing her response would be both negative and self centered I kept it to myself for a couple of weeks. That wasn't easy but the decision had to be about me.

After two weeks of hrt I was completely clear that I needed to transition and when I talked to my gf I simply said I need to do this. Because it was a decision I'd already made her initial response - which wasn't positive - was something i could deal with and I think also because I was clear that I was simply being assertive.

[Steph Eigen]

Cathy,

SadieBlake is repeating what all of us have been telling you in one way or another.  The first priority is treat your affective state (anxiety, depression, sense of futility, panic) getting you in a better place where you are coping effectively and can have a clearer mind, able to take stock of the problems you face and begin to dig out of the pit you're in now.  Once back on your feet, with the help of proper psychotherapy by someone with experience with gender issues and  support mechanisms (your friends on the Susan's Place forum, formal support groups and group therapy) you will make life changes you desire.

Get to your GP, see if you can work out the necessary drug therapy to stabilize your mood and affective state.  If your GP is unwilling or unsuccessful, force a referral to a psychiatrist who will have the ability to expertly handle the drug therapy needed to get you better and able to move forward with your life.

So to repeat, you cannot solve this terrible set of problems without treating the problems you face head on making some substantial life changes.  Without getting your anxiety, depression, etc. controlled--something which will require drugs--you will not be able to make these changes.   

What are the necessary life changes?  The first is to either reestablish a healthier dynamic in your relationship with your wife and larger home situation.   Gender issues will follow.  This is what a therapist will help you work through.

One step at a time.  Wars are won battle by battle.

You've found friends here, perhaps more so than you realize.  We will give you a nudge to do the right thing when needed.  Right now you need it.  Please accept the nudge. 

Steph

[Bob Wascathy]

A couple of weeks ago I made an appointment to see my GP.

I walked into the waiting room to see my mother in law sitting there.

I turned round, walked back to my car, phoned the surgery and told them I'd been detained at work. The receptionist was very nice, told me not to worry as the doctor was running late anyway.

I couldn't face her, more to the point I knew it would get back to my wife that I'd been in there, and I'd be greeted with the old "you never tell me anything" line. And I don't have a comeback to that, because, well, I don't feel that I *can* tell her anything. Every problem I have, she has a worse one. And if I dare to suggest everything is less than 100% sweetness and light, "if you're not happy xxxx off".

Now I'm afraid that if I go again I'll see her in there again and the cycle starts again. I know it's an irrational fear but (and I know how stupid this sounds) I panic at the thought of going to the surgery now.

Meanwhile I just don't feel I can face people, either face to face or virtually. I haven't dared post on here for weeks, I've binned most of my other accounts again, and after a slating on Facebook a couple of weeks ago, I've just about severed all contact. I'm on the verge of giving up. I don't know what to do, what to think, I don't even know who or what I am any more.

If you have got this far, thank you.

[JoanneB]

You're welcome

Your mother in law just might have been there for a flu shot, just as you were. Odds are pretty good she won't be back there for quite a while. If you wait quite a while before getting up the nerve again......

BTW - even my self described "Pathologically Honest" wife does not tell me everything.

[Dena]

You are not the only one with fears and among us, it quite common. Many of us stay in the closet for years because we fear coming out. Many of the people you see on the site have only recently overcome their fears and the fact that you are here is an indication that you are making progress with your fears. As gender therapist can be very helpful to us in overcoming our fears and speeding our transition.

Don't fear the reaction you will get from us as most of us have been there and done that. Site policy is to help people and if people become critical of you, let us know and we will take corrective action. We will not permit people to be abused in the process of self discover.

[Rachel]

I suffer from long term depression and I am on escitalopram which is a SSRI. If one medication is not right for you try another. I can not give the dose but it is an adult dose, this is also prescribed to minors. It has helped reset my base line and deal better with the lows. I am able to step back and view my feelings and it gives me room to deal with my lows is the best way I can describe how it helps.

I chickened out in telling my ex-wife (she lives with me) that my BA and GCS is 9/15. She knows it is going to happen but not when. So do not feel like you are alone in I hate to tell her anything because she can get emotional and even physical.

When I finally had to get help it was because I let thing get to the point of attempted suicide. I was so fragile I could not get HRT for 5 months. I am so glad I got help. I am so glad I had a gender therapist. I am so glad I am transitioning. I have lost some but gained a lot. Being honest and expressing how I feel or what I am doing is something I have been working on.

These are learned behaviors for survival that I am learning to change.

[aaajjj55]

Cathy

Firstly, it was good to hear from you - I was a bit worried that we'd lost you.

Well done for making the appointment with your GP, it's such a shame things didn't turn out well but don't let it get in the way.

I think the important thing is that it's none of your mother in law's business why you were at the doctors and so what if she tells your wife?  Your wife must know that something is wrong with you so just tell her the truth - you can package it up by saying that you're feeling really low and want to get things sorted out to be a better husband for her.

Over the longer term, as a number of us have said in the past, you really need to get the upper hand in your marriage (and I know that it's difficult after years of emotional abuse) - if, as I think you've said in the past, the only thing important to her is preserving the marriage and all of the comforts that come with it, threatening to end it is an incredibly strong bargaining tool.

Please please please make another appointment with your GP - it's the single most important thing you need to do.

Good luck,

Amanda

[Steph Eigen]

Yes, good to know you're still with us.

Make another appointment.  Press on with it!  We want you to start feeling better!

Steph

[PrincessCrystal]

My wife made it clear from an early stage in our relationship that she didn't trust me

we had 2 weeks of silence, accusations, recriminations, and ultimately it was made clear to me that my "issue" is Not To Be Spoken Of.

Oh my god.  I'm... just going to withhold how upset I am to hear that people in relationships this unhealthy are having kids...

Look, you don't have to transition.  You don't have to make any changes you're uncomfortable with.  I'd suggest you work on your marriage with this person who sounds controlling, and, most importantly, try to be a good parent until your daughters can be independent enough to live with the fallout.  If you've waited this long, you should be able to wait another few years.  You should go get a gender therapist to talk about your "issue" with, because that will probably help.


Edit: I just realized that this thread was 7 pages long, so sorry for responding to the first post.  My advice still stands...

[Bob Wascathy]

Oh my god.  I'm... just going to withhold how upset I am to hear that people in relationships this unhealthy are having kids...

I'm sorry to have upset you. My daughter wasn't exactly planned, from my point of view anyway, but that doesn't make her unloved. I try my best to be a good parent, not always successfully, but I like to think I show her more affection than my parents ever did to me.

At that stage it was just little things, like her not being keen on me socialising, it was only after becoming pregnant that she started to demonstrate controlling behaviour, at the time I put it down to hormones but, well, it never got any better.

Sorry if I've upset or offended anyone else, that was never my intention. Maybe best if I go back under cover.

[Megan.]

Don't go, please stay. I've got two amazing kids from a marriage when I was still the closeted happy dad, and many others here do too. It does make life more complex but my life would be worse without them. Life is rarely as simple as we'd like it to be!

[Thessa]

Please stay! You didn't upset anyone, your wife's behaviour is what makes us sad and upset.

I have two daughters a 19 y. and a 10y. old. Who would have guessed one year ago that my 10y. old will stay permanently with me and that I will be single parenting.

What I want to say is, life works sometimes in mysterious ways.

If you see a chance to fix your marriage try that first if it's not working you can still decide if you want to stay, separate, no transition, partly or full. Everything is up to you!

A quote that was very inspiring for me:

Be decisive. Right or wrong, make a decision. The road of life is paved with flat squirrels who couldn't make a decision.

All the best

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[Vervain]

I'm sorry to have upset you. My daughter wasn't exactly planned, from my point of view anyway, but that doesn't make her unloved. I try my best to be a good parent, not always successfully, but I like to think I show her more affection than my parents ever did to me.

At that stage it was just little things, like her not being keen on me socialising, it was only after becoming pregnant that she started to demonstrate controlling behaviour, at the time I put it down to hormones but, well, it never got any better.

Sorry if I've upset or offended anyone else, that was never my intention. Maybe best if I go back under cover.

Cathy, hon, I haven't replied in this thread yet but I've been following it and trying to formulate a response. But I feel I should speak here. Please, please do not leave because of one person's comment. It happens to be one I do not agree with; I speak as a child of two parents who only stayed together for us kids, and I trust my Mom when she said she had no idea how abusive my father would become. From everything you have said, it sounds as though you had no way of knowing what your wife's true personality (which has been increasingly chilling to me as I have read through the thread; suffice it to say she reminds me disturbingly of my fiancee's ex-wife, who I called sister, and who revealed herself to be a horrific individual that I cannot describe without entirely derailing this thread) before your daughter was conceived.

Even if you had, that wouldn't make you a bad parent. Stuff happens. You hope the person you loved would come back. As someone who has also been in abusive relationships, the gaslighting and abuse messes with your head so very much that it's hard to think straight. At least in my experience. It sounds like it is similar for you, as well.

I very much hope you will remain here, because there are many of us who care and support you. I would feel the loss of your presence as what it would be -- a loss. Please don't leave.

*offers hugs, and cookies of choice, and more hugs, because it sounds like you really need them*

[Jacqueline]

The beauty of a forum is that we don't all have to agree. I believe PrincessCrystal was being supportive. Their point of view may be different than others. However, the support is the important part.

I don't think you should leave either, Cathy. It is good to see you back and commenting. We all get upset sometimes. As long as we are all respectful and don't start throwing around accusations I think we are all good here.

With warmth,

Joanna

[PrincessCrystal]

Sorry if I've upset or offended anyone else, that was never my intention. Maybe best if I go back under cover.

Woah Woah!  Chill out!  I did not say I had a problem with you, I said I had a problem with your marriage.  You should totally stay on this site and not feel like I'm at all telling you to leave.  This is everyone's space to talk about uncomfortable topics: just because I'm upset by something you shared does NOT mean you should not share it.

Now, to reiterate, if you feel like your wife "will not allow you to socialize", your marriage has some serious problems and you need to get them fixed.  I recommend you go to a certified marriage counselor with her, because you need to solve that for both you and your daughter.

[Bob Wascathy]

I've suggested relationship counselling before. Her answer was "*I* don't have a problem...". Seems I'm the one with all the problems, and the cause of most of hers too.

My situation upsets *me* too. I probably shouldn't have fathered a child, it's not fair on her after all.

I genuinely wonder whether I am trans at all. The more time passes, the more my feelings seem like a distant memory, a dream. Cathy's just a phase of my life, like my schooldays.

[SadieBlake]

If your wife won't let you be yourself then at the very least she is participating in making a problem in your relationship. I would say she has a problem in thinking she has a say in your gender presentation.

I allowed for my GF's feelings 15 years ago as part of deciding then not to pursue hrt/srs. I don't entirely feel ok about that, disphoria is been a daily thing and that comes to 5479 days of not dealing with it. When those chickens came home to roost it was in the form of suicidal depression.

Find yourself some support, when you reschedule your appointment, have a pretext in mind in case your MIL is at the office again.

[PrincessCrystal]

I've suggested relationship counselling before. Her answer was "*I* don't have a problem...". Seems I'm the one with all the problems, and the cause of most of hers too.

Ok, if she said that, you DEFINITELY need to see a marriage counselor, because she DEFINITELY brought a problem into the relationship.  In fact, it sounds like you've been doormatting to her and she really likes to wipe her feet, and you've been in this cycle for so long that you won't even assert what you need.

Stop letting her pretend that the problems in the relationship are yours alone and drag her to a marriage counselor.

[DawnOday]

HI,
I just read through your post and wished to say, I"m sorry you're not getting the exploring time that I feel you may need, as in dressing to relief the discomfort and see how you feel. Is there anything you can do that you haven't tried to help with your wife's feelings towards this?
Marie

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[DawnOday]

"Fraud" just about sums up the way I feel. I keep being told I ought to "go for a makeover", or "make time to dress", or "make time for myself"... That's a bit like my erstwhile therapist who told me to "learn to love yourself" without giving the first clue as to how...

I've tried so hard to get my wife to accept that my "issue" doesn't change how I am, but it's clear that she believes it's some kind of perversion which can be "cured" by ignoring it. She had a strict Catholic upbringing and I think that reinforced her seeing everything in black and white... I also think if it weren't for my income funding everything, including the latest in her stream of "business ventures", I'd have been out.

I get the feeling I'm wasting people's time because I've been told as much in the past. Only a couple of weeks ago I was told that I should stop asking for help if I have no intention of acting on it because people are getting fed up of me. That coming from someone whose wife knows of and condones their activities...

If anyone does feel I'm wasting their time please say so and I'll go away.

It's tuff to get past isn't it. You are not a fraud. I have found most every one here has a similar story. Realized difference at an early age. So embedded with idea that you pray or make a deal with the devil. Try to get wifey to look at this site so she has a basis for her bigotry. Maybe she wi'll be able to finally understand the torture you have gone through. Most of us older girls have been in your position at some point in our life. Revealing your deepest secrets is hard, but once you get going the truth brings great relief. I have been under stress all my life, except for the last 2.5 months I've been on her.

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