were you ever comfortable or connected with your body?

[mikeffd]

Feel like I need to get this off my chest:

Part of my struggle to sort out my identity is reconciling how I feel now versus how I used to feel.

Unlike many people here, gender has not been a constant life struggle for me. I worried I might've been trans in high school, because after I realized I was attracted to men I exhibited some trans behavior (CD, sex fantasies, etc). That came and went though, and I continued my struggles with sexuality.

For many, many years after that gender was simply not something I contemplated. I don't recall any discomfort, or urges or anything. Sexually, I had found a way to be with women - **TMI NSFW** - going to massage parlors. I became addicted. 

At 27 I broke down and admitted I was gay. I told my sister I had something to admit to her, and she actually asked me if I was transgender. I genuinely told her it was laughable. It was only after that, that it occured to me 'if I like men but not anal sex... I must be a woman!'. That shook me to my core and sent me to an obsessive, clinically depressed state for a year. It was passed and I went back to life normal.

The last 6-7 years I haven't spent a second thinking about my gender. I've been very comfortable with my body, and I think I've been pretty much fine with my gender role too. Then 3 weeks ago, I crashed again due to the guilt and pain of being in a heterosexual relationship while largely being attracted to men. I saw a therapist, and he found it odd that I've been into men for 21 years but never had the urge to act on it. That opened the whole gender thing again! I've been in the crazy, manic obsession since then.

It's so awful going from having SOME clarity of mind and sense of self ripped to shreds. I can't stop ruminating about who I am, how I feel about my body, etc, etc, etc. I'm totally lost.

Am I a woman? Do I want to transition? Maybe. I don't know. There's a moderate to mild affinity to go that direction, although sometimes it feels totally ridiculous. Often I just feel like my old self, which I suppose is male.

SORRY for the rant. I needed that.

[Jacqueline]

Mike,

I am glad you feel better after getting that out.

I have to say that I did not think I was trans for 50 years. I had signs and periods of cross dressing and purging. But I think in my mind I did not have the words for it. I only knew stereotypes.

I have had a life long struggle with depression. I didn't realize that for almost 50 years too. I just thought everyone felt that way.

I think a number of us have had pasts kind of similar to yours.

I saw in one of your earlier posts that you have visited a therapist. I am guessing it was not a gender specialist. I think that would be the next best step for you. To help you figure what you need to. They can guide you safely through doubts and fears to hopefully decide for yourself who you are and where you sit on the spectrum. There are many here who suggest that even wondering if you are trans is a strong indicator you are.

I hope you find what you are looking for.

With warmth,

Joanna

[mikeffd]

Thanks for replying to me.

It's difficult. I understand repression, I went to war with my attraction men for many years. In the end I gave up, and  just permitted myself to have crushes on guys.

The trans thing is a real trip though. Going from not thinking about gender and being comfortable in my body, to this insane questioning frenzy has been simply awful. Like you, I struggled with depression for many years, but it never centered around gender.

Anyway, what does it matter now? I would just be able to make sense of this if there was a different narrative. I know some trans people go through their entire lives not knowing the actual problem, but displaying urges and discomfort.

As for the therapist. He's a gay man, with experience in LGBT issues. I initially met him 3 weeks ago not for gender issues, but because I was panicking about my relationship. I felt a really strong urge to admit my homosexuality to my gf and it was killing me. I've swapped that obsession for another. ho hum

[Dena]

We are not supposed to diagnose others on this site because we can't. Only you know what you feel or what you are. I can give you something to think about that might help. We normally experience dysphoria which is a discomfort or a depression over our social role or over the appearance of our body. There may be another discomfort I am not aware of but nobody has mentioned it so far on this site. I was primarily social and I just didn't fit into the role of male. People with body dysphoria are repulsed by portions of their body and want them gone or changed. You may  still be transgender even if you don't notice these feeling because they can go on like a low grade fever for years before you can clearly say what they are.

In any case, I am going to give you a couple of links to explore that might really confuse the issue. The first is our WIKI where you will learn many of the terms associated with ->-bleeped-<-. The second is "the transition channel" that will get more into transsexualism.

Explore these links and if you additional questions, let me know.

[EmilyMK03]

Am I a woman? Do I want to transition? Maybe. I don't know. There's a moderate to mild affinity to go that direction, although sometimes it feels totally ridiculous. Often I just feel like my old self, which I suppose is male.

Sometimes the best way to know is to just do it.  Start living as a woman and see how you feel about it.    Seriously though, have you ever been to a local transgender support group?  Those are safe places where you can dress and present as a woman.  It's not exactly the same as being out in the regular, everyday world, but it's a start.  You can go from there.

[AnxietyDisord3r]

While I started to have a problem with my body at puberty I can relate to your story in the sense that my sexual orientation was much clearer to me than the gender thing. I also had a lot of dysphoria about my body around sexuality that has kind of impaired my sex life. I would say if you've been wondering if you were trans for years now, you're probably trans.

But I'm glad someone else is admitting persistent attraction to the "same" sex combined with confusion about the gender thing. I think sexual orientation is a lot easier to identify and articulate. I think gender is seated somewhere well below language and consciousness. That makes it hard to suss out, especially when everyone is telling us on a verbal level that our gender is clearly something different.

I did try to embrace the whole queer gay thing and embrace my body. Didn't entirely work...

[mikeffd]

Thank you again. It's very comforting to be heard.

The body issues have never been that relevant to me. I don't know how I feel anymore, but I used to genuinely like the way I looked. These days, my feelings towards my body are confusing. Perhaps it's by virtue of all the obsessing I've done.

I feel the most upsetting aspect of this is just being robbed of mental clarity. I've gone from not thinking about gender in any sense at all, to now having it as the only subject my mind can consider.

Just doing my job is an enormous challenge at this point. Also, socializing with friends and family is also very difficult. The person they think I am is effectively gone.

[~Carmen]

Being gay doesn't make you transgender, it just makes you gay. If you are attracted to men but feel like a straight woman then you'd be trans

[Cassuk]

Feel like I need to get this off my chest:

Part of my struggle to sort out my identity is reconciling how I feel now versus how I used to feel.

Unlike many people here, gender has not been a constant life struggle for me. I worried I might've been trans in high school, because after I realized I was attracted to men I exhibited some trans behavior (CD, sex fantasies, etc). That came and went though, and I continued my struggles with sexuality.

For many, many years after that gender was simply not something I contemplated. I don't recall any discomfort, or urges or anything. Sexually, I had found a way to be with women - **TMI NSFW** - going to massage parlors. I became addicted. 

At 27 I broke down and admitted I was gay. I told my sister I had something to admit to her, and she actually asked me if I was transgender. I genuinely told her it was laughable. It was only after that, that it occured to me 'if I like men but not anal sex... I must be a woman!'. That shook me to my core and sent me to an obsessive, clinically depressed state for a year. It was passed and I went back to life normal.

The last 6-7 years I haven't spent a second thinking about my gender. I've been very comfortable with my body, and I think I've been pretty much fine with my gender role too. Then 3 weeks ago, I crashed again due to the guilt and pain of being in a heterosexual relationship while largely being attracted to men. I saw a therapist, and he found it odd that I've been into men for 21 years but never had the urge to act on it. That opened the whole gender thing again! I've been in the crazy, manic obsession since then.

It's so awful going from having SOME clarity of mind and sense of self ripped to shreds. I can't stop ruminating about who I am, how I feel about my body, etc, etc, etc. I'm totally lost.

Am I a woman? Do I want to transition? Maybe. I don't know. There's a moderate to mild affinity to go that direction, although sometimes it feels totally ridiculous. Often I just feel like my old self, which I suppose is male.

SORRY for the rant. I needed that.

We all need to rant once in awhile.

As to what you could be or not be, that is up to you.  But i was wondering. Being attracted to men have you ever acted on it?

But it´s good you are talking to a professional, he will be able to help you figure this thing out.

[mikeffd]

We all need to rant once in awhile.

As to what you could be or not be, that is up to you.  But i was wondering. Being attracted to men have you ever acted on it?

But it´s good you are talking to a professional, he will be able to help you figure this thing out.

No, never acted on it. I was much more attracted to men then women, but I concentrated on cultivating whatever heterosexuality I had within me. I found I was able to be with women sexually around the age of 19-20, so I just continued in that direction. Sex with women was OK. I actually used to enjoy going to massage parlours a lot.

Sorry to make it weird and throw too much info out there.

[Cassuk]

No, never acted on it. I was much more attracted to men then women, but I concentrated on cultivating whatever heterosexuality I had within me. I found I was able to be with women sexually around the age of 19-20, so I just continued in that direction. Sex with women was OK. I actually used to enjoy going to massage parlours a lot.

Sorry to make it weird and throw too much info out there.

Oh, it´s fine.

We actually have a similar story there. Been attracted to men since i was a kid but not as a man being with a man , never knew the reason, so i did like you did stepped into the hetrosexuel world and acted like any other guy though never got any enjoyment out of it.

[Gemini]

Hey Mike. I think humans are so complex that a great deal of variation can be expected. I was never comfortable with my body, but like you, I was always attracted to men and yet unable to live as gay man. If a relationship with a man didn't affirm my female gender, it wasn't going to happen.

Are you transgender? I think that's something you and a gender therapist have to work out. But like I said, there isn't just one experience that characterizes all of us. Some know from a very early age--five or even younger. I didn't figure it out till I was twelve. For others, the realization comes in middle age or later.

[DawnOday]

I think the most comfortable time was from 8 - 12 because I played baseball and it was the only time in my life I have ever hung out with guys.

Kelsyness  Nice picture, you look marvelous.

[Sno]

Hi Mike,

It's great that you have a sympathetic professional on board, as you are taking on this journey.

The person that you are, is still there. All that is being shed is the fabrications that have supported the role that we feel we have to play socially, sexually and culturally.

Cultural conditioning is a very strong thing, our birth assignment is used in so many ways for expected role in society, rightly or wrongly. I feel that clarity comes when we come to a position where our expectation and our reality align, and the questioning also continues, when it doesn't.

Having had my trans nature pointed out repeatedly (for years), by my near and dear partner, was what started my questioning...

Sno.

[mikeffd]

I guess I just repressed stuff really well. Perhaps I also constructed a fantastic, nearly impenetrable male facade. I'm not really sure. The construct can feel pretty damn real sometimes.

I had many years of my life where gender wasn't on my mind at all, that includes my entire childhood. My heart says that this is who I am - a woman. I guess all the years prior to that - where my mind and body were in synch, and I never contemplated gender- were a blessing.

[Gemini]

I guess I just repressed stuff really well. Perhaps I also constructed a fantastic, nearly impenetrable male facade. I'm not really sure. The construct can feel pretty damn real sometimes.

I had many years of my life where gender wasn't on my mind at all, that includes my entire childhood. My heart says that this is who I am - a woman. I guess all the years prior to that - where my mind and body were in synch, and I never contemplated gender- were a blessing.

There were times when gender wasn't on my mind, because I didn't want to think about it. I constructed a male facade, but I didn't make real connections with people.

I think the important thing is to get to a point where you're really listening to your heart.