Hi everyone -- sorry for the delay in my responding but I was out of town.
re: leather and SM - I admit that I was somewhat interested in it in my preop days. But, for me, I came to realize that it was the fantasy that intrigued me...particularly the girl being dominated. A friend did some mild things to me once and I found that, heck, it hurt and I didn't like the feeling of being trapped or controlled. So much for fantasies! One time, later on, I went to what I thought was the location of a TG group. It turned out that I was there when another group was meeting. The lady at the door said it was "BDSM." I said, "Oh, okay," and walked away, pondering what the initials stood for. I realized, "Hmm, SM --- oh, so BD must be..." I walked away a little faster. I still fantasize from time to time but, for me, the reality is nothing I want to experience..."not that there's anything wrong with that."
LEIGH - I agree with you in your theory that some men date TS women because they are "gay men in denial." I've heard that, in L.A., TS prostitutes are often popular in the hispanic community because it would be considered a very unmacho thing to be dating a man -- but date a man dressed as a woman and you're presumed to still be a macho hombre. For some TS prostitutes, this creates quite a problem in that they WANT to have SRS but, if they do, they can end up not having as much business as prostitutes because they lack the male equipment that some hispanic males prefer.
SARA - Thanks for saying, "You are too good for someone like that." Yes, I remember, as I drove away from the restaurant thinking that very thing. Here I was, a successful Hollywood editor and I wasn't worthy of receiving an apology? But it wasn't personal...he was fond of some kind of Eastern religion wherein there is no blame. What can I say? Sometimes when you date, you put blinders on, hoping for the best. I mean, we all want a special someone, right? Unfortunately, the reality of "winning" that person can be as pleasure-filled as watching idiots eat worms on "Survivor."
HAZAMU - You asked, "But what if a guy is upfront about being turned on by T-women, and also seems genuinely interested in you as YOU, not just as a T-woman?" To be honest, I've always said that I don't know who I'll end up with....it's the person inside that counts. I know that, when I'm with a man, I tend to feel more female. Some of the most supportive people I know are gay guys. But when I'm with women, I feel more sexual attraction to them. It's interesting to me that women are incredibly unaware that, despite whatever minor physical flaws they see in themselves, that they are beautiful. Each gender has its attractions. I agree with you when you say, "honesty, openness, and communication. If those are there, the rest can be negotiated."
SHEILA - You mentioned, "No offense to the guys here, just part of my back ground." I, too, feel I'm a product of my upbringing as a male. One thing that gets in my way of dating guys is a homophobic feeling that American society has taught me to have. My learned behavior is that I see nothing wrong with two women kissing but have never quite gotten used to seeing two men kissing. I know it's stupid and illogical. I should know better. I truly believe it's just something we all need to get used to seeing and the more it happens publicly, the less of an oddity it will seem. All of this, of course, I push to the back of my mind when I date a guy. But, like some of you, I find I'm just not attracted to men. I remember, when I was a guy, thinking, "I am not a neanderthal like society thinks all men are." And yet, I see men acting goofy at football games shouting, "Hoo, hoo, hoo" like a bunch of monkeys. When they do that or act aggressively, I think, "why are they playing the stereotype of neanderthals? I objected to being thought of like that. Why don't they?" So much of society is learned behavior.
What becomes of my future? I lived together with a woman for 21 years and we considered ourselves lifetime partners. My transsexualism and SRS ended our relationship though, amazingly, we remain good friends. She's moved across the country and has married. We still talk over the phone on a daily basis. I've even stayed with her and her husband for a week-long recent visit.
Like some of you, I wonder if I will always be single. My other best friend says that someday someone will see that I have a warm and beautiful heart and will want to be with me, forever. I try to boost my mood by realizing that, if people who are missing arms or legs can find love, surely I can.
For now, it's an elusive dream. Despite being post-op, I sometimes feel like I'm deceiving people when I arrange an internet date with them. So many of the "love" sites have people proclaiming that "honesty is the most important thing." If I'm honest with them before the meet - describing my past - will they be turned off? I know, in my past male life, I would have been. I know we TS's all have the rule to confess the past just before intimacy. But is it fair to have someone fall in love with me when I'm hiding my past? Aren't I creating the same hurt that my ex had to face? Some of you are fortunate to have wives that tolerated that revelation. I'm envious.
For now, I'm still not dating. I may, at some point, seek new "friends." That seems a kinder way to search -- lower both their and my expectations. As the saying goes, "No one promised life was going to be easy."
Teri Anne
