I really need some help... is it a phase?

[Kadence1]

Hey all you amazing people of Susan's!! So I really need some help.... I am totally lost and confused right now. I'll try to keep it as short as possible, but I don't want too leave any details out. Here's a little background about me. I'm 19 years old, been wearing makeup and girls clothes and all that fun stuff since I was 15. I've always identified as a Gay male. About a year ago I woke up and realized "holy cow! I'm transgender!! Duh! How could I not realize this sooner?!" And everything in my life made sense and kinda fell together. Well, I came out to my boyfriend, some family, and my coworkers. I started HRT and I LOVED IT. My anxiety was out the door! I felt good and "more at home" with myself. My body started to change and I loved it!! Well...... then came the self doubt of "maybe this is just a phase? What if I wake up one day and I'm suddenly not trans? Is this just a mistake?" So I started seeing a gender therapist who said yes, I am transgender. But that didn't help. I still had self doubt. And at the time, my boyfriend (who identifies as gay)  was making fun of my body once the horomones started taking effect. Saying that he liked my downstairs area better before I was on HRT. He didn't like how the HRT was changing how my "man business" works. So with that, plus my feelings of self doubt, I stopped taking HRT about a month and a half in. I tried convincing myself I wasn't trans and tried everything to stay the "cute little gay boy I was." I even stopped wearing makeup for a MONTHS and dressed more masculine in an attempt to change my mind. Well, here I am a year later, in. The. Same. Boat. It's like I KNOW I'm trans, but I CANT admit it to myself. I can't come to terms with it. I want to start HRT so bad, but I still have that self doubt and low self esteem. I've been so depressed lately and my anxiety has been off the charts. I just don't know what to do. I don't really have gender dysphoria with my downstairs friends, but I have issues with being a guy. Like having "masculine looks" and my body hair grosses me out, and I hate wearing guy clothes and hate having a manly voice and just hate having the "he/him/his" pronouns above my head. I've tried being non-binary, but that just doesn't feel all that right to me. I'm just honestly stuck and don't know what to do. I'm with the same guy I've mentioned before, and we were talking the other night about me starting HRT again, and he said he'd be supportive and he loves me for who I am and all that stuff but I'm still scared. Can anyone help me? Am I transgender? Or is it just a phase? Thank you... and sorry for the rambling.

[Kensi]

This biggest thing you kept talking about is how you Know you are trans. But keep trying to play if off that its just a phase. If you Know,you know. Not to mention you said a therapist actually told you it was true. You cant let people tell you how you should be.I myself am going through a similar situation. But more of a yes, screw the other people, for me to be happy with myself and my own body, something has to happen. The human mind has a striving for normality yet, sometimes to be the normal you, you have to shatter your own mythologies.

[Stacitg1]

It sounds to me like you are really afraid of losing your boyfriend and that is the number one thing holding you back. You said he made fun of you for how you were changing down below. That in my book is not being supportive. It is really hard to let go of relationships, but ask yourself if you were not with him would you still have as much doubt or would it pretty much be gone. You also talk about how happy you were while you were on HRT and how after stopping you were feeling sad again. It sounds to me like you are definitely transgender.
Nothing says you have to take things fast. Perhaps you could go on a lower dose of HRT for a while and see how you feel with that. I have tried denying who I am since I was an early teenager, purging the dressing and starting again over and over. Thinking love and marriage would make it go away and that did help but only for about 6 months. I am now 63 and finally admitting to myself who I am. I have started on the road of transition now since January of this year and starting HRT 3 months ago. I feel great but know that my marriage of 40 years is most likely over as my wife wants nothing to do with me if I transition to full time.
Very few gay men can be attracted to a womanly person. They may give it a try but it rarely works out in the long run.
I hope you can figure it out because starting transition as young as you are is a great plus. Wondering if it could be a phase is normal and not something to just be dismissed but if the feelings keep coming back, like you have indicated, that is a pretty good sign that it's not a phase.

[LizK]

Hey all you amazing people of Susan's!! So I really need some help.... I am totally lost and confused right now. I'll try to keep it as short as possible, but I don't want too leave any details out. Here's a little background about me. I'm 19 years old, been wearing makeup and girls clothes and all that fun stuff since I was 15. I've always identified as a Gay male. About a year ago I woke up and realized "holy cow! I'm transgender!! Duh! How could I not realize this sooner?!" And everything in my life made sense and kinda fell together. Well, I came out to my boyfriend, some family, and my coworkers. I started HRT and I LOVED IT. My anxiety was out the door! I felt good and "more at home" with myself. My body started to change and I loved it!! Well...... then came the self doubt of "maybe this is just a phase? What if I wake up one day and I'm suddenly not trans? Is this just a mistake?" So I started seeing a gender therapist who said yes, I am transgender. But that didn't help. I still had self doubt. And at the time, my boyfriend (who identifies as gay)  was making fun of my body once the horomones started taking effect. Saying that he liked my downstairs area better before I was on HRT. He didn't like how the HRT was changing how my "man business" works. So with that, plus my feelings of self doubt, I stopped taking HRT about a month and a half in. I tried convincing myself I wasn't trans and tried everything to stay the "cute little gay boy I was." I even stopped wearing makeup for a MONTHS and dressed more masculine in an attempt to change my mind. Well, here I am a year later, in. The. Same. Boat. It's like I KNOW I'm trans, but I CANT admit it to myself. I can't come to terms with it. I want to start HRT so bad, but I still have that self doubt and low self esteem. I've been so depressed lately and my anxiety has been off the charts. I just don't know what to do. I don't really have gender dysphoria with my downstairs friends, but I have issues with being a guy. Like having "masculine looks" and my body hair grosses me out, and I hate wearing guy clothes and hate having a manly voice and just hate having the "he/him/his" pronouns above my head. I've tried being non-binary, but that just doesn't feel all that right to me. I'm just honestly stuck and don't know what to do. I'm with the same guy I've mentioned before, and we were talking the other night about me starting HRT again, and he said he'd be supportive and he loves me for who I am and all that stuff but I'm still scared. Can anyone help me? Am I transgender? Or is it just a phase? Thank you... and sorry for the rambling.

Hi Pinderxx

Welcome to Susan's. I hope you enjoy your time here.

Let me ask you another way...how do you feel I answer your question with a resounding,  NO YOU ARE NOT TRANS...

How does that sit with you? Not Good Huh?...didn't think so...as the previous poster has indicated you have said enough times that you are Trans. Wether or not you have Dysphoria makes no difference to wether or not you are trans. One is not necessary for the other to be true. You don't have to be any particular thing to be trans the variation is huge.

You know for yourself how much HRT helped so why stop if it helps YOU. Transition is about self.

I hope that helps in some small way

Welcome and enjoy

Regards

Liz

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[Karlee]

Hi Pinderxx,

I can relate to what you're saying and I know how you feel. I too am in a relationship (with a girl) and know what it feels like to potentially lose them. It's a tough thought!

Though I am yet to be on hormones or take any big steps, I am taking it bit by bit, day by day. It seems like you know what you want to do with your life and who you really are, which is great. It's definitely one of the hardest things!

But what makes you think that it could be just a phase? You say that when you realized, everything kind of felt right and fell in to place - things made sense. So you started HRT and you love it! That's all really good positive signs that you're making the right choices and doing what is right for you.

I often ask myself the question "If I was completely alone with no-one else to worry about, what would my decision be?" And I know my answer to that is to see a therapist and get on HRT! So that helps me clarify what I feel like I want, and that the blurring doubts and confusion I feel are from outside noise.

At the end of the day, you can only live your life for you. I've always been told to be true to myself, because no-one can live your life for you. Transitioning doesn't have to be all the way through to surgeries. You can stop at any point that makes you feel comfortable and happy! There are choices and there are options - there's no one right way to do it, which can be a comforting thought.

I guess what I'm trying to say is keep trying and keep pushing on. You're on a liberating journey, full of ups and downs. Try to make more ups than downs and be as happy as you can.

Love,
Karlee.x

[Tessa James]

Yes, it is usually a phase that last a lifetime.   Joking only a bit as I considered myself queer since age 17 and lived with shame and denial about being trans until i was over 60 and finally figured it out.  Accepting ourselves, doubts included, can be a long term process.  I made a weak transition attempt in the 90s and scared myself back in the closet.  I purged clothes and tried to distract myself mightily.  I tried to be the man expected of me. My gender identity proved more persistent and powerful than my fears.  I enjoyed my boyfriends and love gay men in general.  My experience is that they were honest about what they wanted and able to be emotionally available.  What they did not always know was that I felt so girly good about being in their arms and sharing love as a girl.  You may recall the ads that say no fats or fems?

Thanks for sharing your story.

[Dena]

Welcome to Susan's place. I suspect you are transgender but I can't say for sure where you fit as that is up to you. I am not sure what your definition of non binary is because it includes all feeling other than transsexual. If you look at our WIKI you will see the common description. Because what you feel may not be on the list doesn't mean you aren't non binary. As non binary, treatment may include anything that helps you become more comfortable with yourself. It's not about finding a label, it's only about discovering your needs and finding the life that fits.

[Sophia Sage]

Of course your boyfriend is going to be uncomfortable with this -- he's a gay male, and expects to be in a relationship with a gay male. If he was bi or pan that would be different.

You have to be true to yourself, first and foremost, to be happy.  And you're young -- so here's some advice.  The vast majority of our relationships end.  This is true for all people.  So don't hold on.  Because there's only one relationship that never ends, and that's your relationship with yourself. 

[kathb31]

When I was a teenager my mother told me it was some sort of phase
... that I just wanted to become a girl because I was uncomfortable
with dating girls (never could exactly understand this). Of course it was
not a phase or something that would ever go away. I tried to keep it
squashed most of my life (not always very successfully). A few years
ago it completely blew up on me and I had to make things right. After
I told my wife, she told me that she always felt that there was a profound
sadness about me. You'll have to decide whether you are really trans.
Finding your true self may mean that some people in your life may be left behind.

[FTMDiaries]

Phases tend to last for 6 months or less. If you've been feeling this way for longer than that, then it almost definitely isn't a phase. My own 'tomboy phase' (as my mother called it) has lasted since 1976 and is just as strong today as it was back then.

It sounds like your boyfriend was doing what a lot of our loved ones do: trying to reinforce his idea of what he wants you to be as a way of pressuring you to stay the way he wants you, because he's more comfortable that way. That's actually rather selfish of him, to be honest. It does sound like he's a bit more supportive now than when you first tried to transition, but do be aware of the fact that either one of you may decide to end your romantic relationship once your transition gets sufficiently underway. If he has no attraction to women, he's unlikely to want to continue with your relationship in its current form but he might choose to support you as a friend.

Please don't base your decisions on what your boyfriend may or may not want. Boyfriends come and go, but you're stuck with yourself permanently. If you believe yourself to be trans, then transitioning may be a good solution for you. But before doing anything, please discuss your concerns & doubts with your Gender Therapist so that you can be sure you're making the right choice. Many of us have these questioning thoughts: most of the time it's just because transitioning is a massive undertaking and it's only rational for us to make sure we're doing the right thing... but sometimes those doubts are very important and need to be heeded. Your Gender Therapist will help you work out what's appropriate for you.

It's not advisable to keep stopping & starting HRT, and it must be taken under medical supervision. So please make sure you don't start or stop it again without proper medical advice.