Hello,
I know i have been away for a few weeks.. there are a few reasons for this, one of the most important is i finally have my own house (the other i hid in books the Dark Carpathian series).. woohoo its a two bedroom unit and its a very quiet area. it took me ages to look around and find one. i had this whole thing neatly planned in my head, please bare with me, things are always clearly and better written in my mind then when i start writing it down. i thought having my own place would help with my Gender Dysphoria and give me room to cope, reach my goals and be myself.. but it didn't take me long to realize this is not soo...i am not out to my family yet, and soo once i had moved in and since, i would be dressed and being my real self and then get a call saying family would be visiting and then having to rush to my room and remove the makeup and cloths... hop in the shower quickly and get dressed in my male clothes (which feels wrong and feeling failure at faking it and lacking courage). it didn't take long to be frustrating, the need to be myself when not at work is becoming more and more paramount.. i am struggling being stuck in "two worlds" and the depression hits hard at times. i am here on earth by two reasons only, one my kids and two i made a promise to my sister and friend to not give up. and it also had been a few weeks and i only got to see my therapist last week wednesday (on my bday
) and told her about the new place and the struggles i have been having and she gave me some advice
but before i go too far can some one please answer these questions...
1.) i am need of starting hair removal, i am considering a mixture of laser and electrolysis. for those who have researched this.. which type of laser is better at this? (i have olive skin and fairly darkish and brown easily in the sun, i have been envied for my tan in winter but its my natural skin colour) you will be saving me hours of trying to understand the technology completely and a place to start looking.
2.) i live in melbourne Victoria Australia, can anyone recommend good LBGT groups or organisations to contact? i would like to meet others who are going thru this and hopefully make friends.
3.) also where do people get their seamless sports bras from? I would like to get a few for when i Start HRT. i would like to be hidden for a bit till i ready to come out at work.
4.) any good places in melbourne vic for voice therapy?
my therapist advised me to contact these LBGT groups and to meet others going thru change and talk to them and make friends. because when my family and children desert me when they find out i am going to need a new family and friends.. but its hard for me to make friends, see i grew up during the Angolan War (lets leave politics out of this) and i grew up in Berg Aukas Namibia and only really had people in their 20s to talk to and soo learned quickly and was able to talk to them.. after sometime we moved to Grootfontein Namibia and i went to an Afrikaans school there i couldn't socialise with people my age, i was just too far ahead of them in that area and couldn't connect to them. not to mention i was beginning to realize how different i really was to everyone else. before then it never mattered to me, i had no problem playing with my toys or my sisters.. i never considered myself male, just me we both ( i have 2 older sisters and one younger)played with each others toys. i was always a gentle and curious person and was interested and wanted to investigate the world with no fear what so ever. during that year i became fluent in afrikaans and could only speak it at home with a spattering of english. my parents became concerned and organised to send me and my sisters to boarding school in windhoek. i was excited because i would be staying in the same dormitory as them but i became very upset when they told me no i would be staying with in the boys dormitory.. both are on the same grounds, but with some encouragement i calmed down, i was seven at the time
the next bit is hard for me and took me years to come to terms with and i am i uncertain of revealing this...
the first few months were ok, and i made a friend called stephen and went on holidays on to his families farm.. we were close and during this holiday we told each other our dreams, what were gonna be when we grew up. and i innocently told him, i was going to grow up and become a women and we could run the farm together.. he laughed at me and said sure..anyway after the holidays somehow the head boy found out what i was gonna be when i grew up (stephen never betrayed me but i may have told someone else, i was 7 after all[ i know he never betrayed me because he helped me and we remained friends for couple of years after]) and accosted me in the boys bathroom and told me "so you want to be a girl, well girls like XXXX.." and he abused me...i dont know how long it went on for..my memory is a bit hazy about this time in my life, i look at this time and realised this is when my soul was shattered and i did the only thing i could and protected my heart. i became very withdrawn and wouldnt let people touch me and often hid when i was home crying, i never told my mom what was happening to me, but somewhere along the line i lost it at the head boy and put him in local hospital. it was bad they even recalled my Dad from the war and he appeared before the board and they wanted to know why his son did this and how he was gonna punish me for the assault.. my dad listened and said "the real question is what caused a 7 year old to attack a 13 year old and the head boy no less" and got up and left. my family then moved to windhoek and took us out of the boarding school. i am become very angry, no one touched me.. i was angry at the world, at God for making me this way.. a pure fury at the universe because there was no way i could be who i needed to be.. you have to understand information was very controlled and it was a policed state, many things were illegal
the sweet gently child was gone, i withdrew more into myself and realized the only way to protect myself was to hide it and suppress it completely. i was afraid of loosing my temper so badly i would hurt or possibly kill someone and withdrew even more. i think my mind also suppressed what happened and i only began to remember when i was 19 and out of school. i suppressed and hid my desire as much as i could it wasn't till i was 12~13 and there was a concert at my school i was a production.. the problem was there were not enough girls in the class so some of the boys got put in the female roles.. i was lucky enough to be one of them, i loved every minute, the high heels, the makeup, the clothes everything.. i felt normal, and i think my parents were starting to suspect something and began to do what they could to discourage it (they are Christians and to them it is a sin)... i hid it even more, but began to steal my sisters cloths etc. i became determined to get ahead of everyone at school and leave home ASAP and disappear into society.
i think because of this one and many episodes in my life, i find it really difficult to make friends.. to open myself up.. i am shy at first and then begin to open up.. when someone offers friendship i tend to grab hold with both hands...i am in all the way and will without a doubt put myself in harms way to protect my friend. if they disappeared for any reason i wont stop till i find out if they are safe and happy. my therapist gave me some advice and if i find a friend/s to go slowly. and that i would need trusted friends who will have my back when my family finds out. to have friends to go shopping with to offer each other protection and friendship.
I am terrified when my family finds out, i have this feeling my parents will go all out to stop my transition.. even so far as to go to court to have them find me incapable of making decisions too make them my guardians. and believe me they will go all out, no holds barred. and you dont want to hear what they say each and everytime Caitlyn is on TV or some documentary or story is advertised..they are hardcore christians.
Everytime my hair length comes out, my Dad hates it and wants it shorter and states time and again aggressively "You are my son!!!" my mom knows i want to grow it and she offers to "trim" it.. but i am terrified she will accidentally cut a bit to short and then have to cut it all short. and my parents are the kind that give advise and expect me to follow it and push all the buttons and make you follow it. they forever want me to go over and have dinner and always push to find out why i split from my wife and are pushy for information on my sessions and whats going in my life.. i keep quiet and just say its going good.. now they want to pick me up and take me to church etc.. all i want is my space and time. they also want to know everything going in their kids lives and offer advice and expect us kids to follow it.. and if not act like we are hurting them.. they even get my oldest sister to act like an interrogator and every time i tell her something my folks know. so i keep everything close. i dont need my parents running my life, but they in their love think this is ok because i am on my own and more determined than ever to end things with my ex.. they bring up constantly how its a shame etc.. its really depressing when they bring it up.
i could ramble on for ever about this..
my therapist also recommend to me to go to some LBGT clubs and just have a few drinks and sit and watch... me i am little uncomfortable going into unknown situations and places without a friend or someone for support. the idea intrigues me and terrifies me at the same time.. i really don't want to be hit on, but def want to go to see and have a good evening with a trusted friend or colleague. also don't really want to bump into a colleague from work..
she also suggested i start a blog.. this idea i like and think i will make one..
any suggentions and ideas welcome.
