How am I going to tell my family?

[Merryn]

Hello.
I'm going to say sorry first because I don't know if this is the right place to ask a question like this.

I'm biologically male and want to be female.
Age 19, Asian and living in Asian country, love guys.
Merryn is a name sounds like the name I want in Chinese.
I came to this forum because none of people who knows me would ever find me here .
I just want to be a girl very much and beloved by a man I love.

First of all I didn't act like girls when I was a child because I was afraid of that my family could be worried about me.
And most of my habits aren't very girly but it's not because  of which gender I am.
I liked to keep my hair long and girly. There's one time that my grandpa saw me playing with my hair and said I looked like a girl. And he asked me to cut it. I was really happy when he said I look like a girl but got upset later because they forced me to cut it.

I used to play with my 2 uncles very much because they were so nice to me and thought I was cute. They're brothers.
One day the old one asked me to take off my shirt and lie on the bed. I did and he started to lick my chest and suck at my nipple. It was fun to me and I didn't think much. Probably because I didn't know what is sexual abuse then.
I just like my uncle very much.
Later the night he was sleeping next me and I just sneakily kiss him on the lip like TV shows. It was fun. I want it more.

Family members say I look like child version of my mom.
Even after I've grown up they say I look like my mom and my personality is also like my mom . I'm really happy about this.

After I've grown up. I act more like a sissy boy.
Mom kept asking me questions like "when are you going to make a girlfriend", "are you still a virgin", "Are you homo or what".
I said no girls I know I like, yes. And I didn't answer the last one.
Dad knows me the best but I didn't tell him what I was thinking mostly. He just knows the outside me not the inside me.

One day I was having dinner outside with my mom. I usually don't talk much but she wanted to talk to me more. And she said if I'm a girl she will have more things to talk with me. I didn't say anything. Just felt upset inside but I tried not to show this.

I'm now studying in a college in another city because i always wanted to. Leaving my home would be a great start.
I've seen the doctor and told him about GID things last week. And did some psychological test 2 days ago. Now I'm just going to wait for the report and a good chance to tell my family because I really need their support. Or I'm just going to fail hard and probably kill myself one day.

[HappyMoni]

Merryn,
   Hello! I think you have found a good place for information and support for transgender issues. Hope you are comfortable here. I know it can be a tougher deal sometimes dealing with this subject in Asian culture. My son dates a girl from Taiwan and the rules are pretty different. I would recommend getting help in figuring things out. The abuse you experienced is maybe another reason to talk to someone. I hope you never really consider doing what you referenced in the last line of your post. There are very supportive people in this world. It may take some effort  and planning to create a world for yourself where you can be yourself. Never give up. It is possible even if you lose a few people on the way there. My name is Monica. See you around the boards.

[Merryn]

Merryn,
   Hello! I think you have found a good place for information and support for transgender issues. Hope you are comfortable here. I know it can be a tougher deal sometimes dealing with this subject in Asian culture. My son dates a girl from Taiwan and the rules are pretty different. I would recommend getting help in figuring things out. The abuse you experienced is maybe another reason to talk to someone. I hope you never really consider doing what you referenced in the last line of your post. There are very supportive people in this world. It may take some effort  and planning to create a world for yourself where you can be yourself. Never give up. It is possible even if you lose a few people on the way there. My name is Monica. See you around the boards.

Thanks Monica. And I live in Taiwan. So lucky to know a person who knows people from my land.
And I probably won't kill myself. I was just feeling really bad when I was posting this.
But I did think about commiting suicide in ways which people would think it was an accident because I really don't want to disappoint my family and friends.

But things are different now because I told my best friend last week and he said it's alright and he wouldn't mind.

[HappyMoni]

Merryn,
   (Possible trigger warning?) Glad you are feeling better. It is so important to find people who support you. You may end up losing some people who are very important to you. It is a sad fact when you are trans. You are wise to try to build your own support group. The thought of ending your life is no answer. Being positive, taking steps to build your life, that is the worthwhile answer. My family member ended their life and it was a terrible thing to do to the family.
   If my son marries I guess her parents will get to know about me. She has told her siblings who are fine with my story but they have been in the U.S. quite a few years. Her parents are divorced and I am told that even this is frowned upon in Taiwan.
Monica

[Jacqueline]

Merryn,

I want to tell you I think I know how you feel. I have had moments that are similar in points of my life.

Welcome to the site and thanks for joining. I hope you find what you are looking for.

I also want to share some links with you. They are mostly welcome information and the rules that govern the site. If you have not had a chance to look through them, please take a moment to read the first several stickies:

Things that you should read

• Site Terms of Service and rules to live by
  
• Standard Terms and Definitions
  
• Post Ranks (including when you can upload an avatar)
  
• Reputation rules
  
• News posting & quoting guidelines
  
• Photo, avatars, and signature images policy
  

[/quote]

Once again, welcome to Susan's. Look around, ask questions and join in.

With warmth,

Joanna

[Merryn]

Merryn,

I want to tell you I think I know how you feel. I have had moments that are similar in points of my life.

Welcome to the site and thanks for joining. I hope you find what you are looking for.

I also want to share some links with you. They are mostly welcome information and the rules that govern the site. If you have not had a chance to look through them, please take a moment to read the first several stickies:

Things that you should read

• Site Terms of Service and rules to live by
  
• Standard Terms and Definitions
  
• Post Ranks (including when you can upload an avatar)
  
• Reputation rules
  
• News posting & quoting guidelines
  
• Photo, avatars, and signature images policy
  

Once again, welcome to Susan's. Look around, ask questions and join in.

With warmth,

Joanna

Thanks Joanna. I will read and try to remember most of the rules. C:

[Merryn]

Merryn,
   (Possible trigger warning?) Glad you are feeling better. It is so important to find people who support you. You may end up losing some people who are very important to you. It is a sad fact when you are trans. You are wise to try to build your own support group. The thought of ending your life is no answer. Being positive, taking steps to build your life, that is the worthwhile answer. My family member ended their life and it was a terrible thing to do to the family.
   If my son marries I guess her parents will get to know about me. She has told her siblings who are fine with my story but they have been in the U.S. quite a few years. Her parents are divorced and I am told that even this is frowned upon in Taiwan.
Monica

I'll try to stay positive c:
I think my parents are wise and will tolerant me.
But it's still really nervous for me because the doctor's report come out on the next Friday and I still don't know how to tell them.

[HappyMoni]

Merryn,
I had good luck telling my family because I made an effort to let them know two things. I let them know the pain that this has caused me and I told them the choice I saw for my life. In short, I had to pick either being miserable and living my life to please everyone else or take a tremendous risk and grab for a chance at happiness. If they understand that choice it might help them to see what you face. Of course you must judge what is best for your situation. For some face to face is good. For others a letter my allow you to get your whole story out without interruption. Just a few thoughts.
Monica

[Sandboxed]

I'm now studying in a college in another city because i always wanted to. Leaving my home would be a great start.
I've seen the doctor and told him about GID things last week. And did some psychological test 2 days ago. Now I'm just going to wait for the report and a good chance to tell my family because I really need their support. Or I'm just going to fail hard and probably kill myself one day.

Please don't harm yourself!
You've already made a big step by telling your doctor! If you have the courage to do that, you also have the courage to tell your family (when the time is ideal).
One thing i wish I would have done is had a psychologist or doctor be there when I told my Mom. Parents seem to take this sort of situation more seriously.
Maybe think about which family member you're most comfortable around, and plan to tell them first.
I hope this goes well for you!

If you need someone to talk to , i'm here for you

[Merryn]

Thanks to you all. C:
The report is out. it says I consider I'm a girl more than a boy and I want to be a girl.
It also says I possibly has gender dysphoria.
I think that's a good sign for me now. This report would help me a lot to tell my family.
The doctor said that he had to observe more before I can start HRT ( because I'd never lived like a girl before and he must be sure that I'm really really ready for HRT. )
He told me to come back 2 months later.

I'm bringing the report home and going to tell my dad first tomorrow.
I hope my family could accept me and help me.
Maybe I can stay home and enjoy being what I want to be ( of course not a crossdressing pervert but a girl. xC )
And I hope there are dresses and clothes of my size.
Not mean that I'm fat. I'm just taller than average girls here .
I'm 173.9 cm tall and 60 kg weight.
Good thing my friend told me my body do not look very manly.
hmmmmmm im so so nervous. xC