Not passing, but I want to express myself

[Lily.Arwen]

I think the topic title speaks for itself a little.

I have had nothing medical done. I know I am not going to pass physically. Wrong body shape, slightly masculine face. Facial hair that I cannot entirely manage to cover up with make up. Masculine voice.

But I want to be able to go out in public as expressing myself as I wish to more often. Female clothes and mannerisms etc. Even if I have to actively make myself behave in such a way.

It's so hard though. I believe the city where I live is mostly safe, and when I have been out (which tends to be very rarely and only with other people) I think I may have had a strange look or two, but this is a city with a huge student population and lots of alternative cultures etc so I think it is mostly ok. The people that freak me most tend to be old women and those particular young men in their 20s who are trying to look all tough etc.
Even if I feel safe, it is a huge mental block for me to be able to do this more often, and I wonder if you have any advice.

[PrincessCrystal]

I started out doing it at home with friends over, just having normal nights as a girl.  I moved up to going to places I know are safe, like the Board Game Club I was involved in running at the university.  Eventually you get comfortable and start going places like Denny's.

I think the key here is that I get friends in on it, and you'd be surprised at their reactions: one of the first people I invited over was apparently flattered that I saw them as trustworthy.

[Lily.Arwen]

I would be happy just to be able to go out wearing the boots I have in my avatar.

[Cindy]

OK I'll be rude.

You have a month, 6 months, a year to live.

When you rot no one cares.

Can you go out as you now?

[PrincessCrystal]

I would be happy just to be able to go out wearing the boots I have in my avatar.

This is a bit tangential but...

I've got to modify some of my shoes: women's shoes are made to enhance stature.  I'd rather be shorter.  At some point I need to figure out how to take out the sole, carve down the inside of the heel, and turn them into something that looks like a feminine heel but doesn't add so much to my height...

[LizK]

I think the topic title speaks for itself a little.

I have had nothing medical done. I know I am not going to pass physically. Wrong body shape, slightly masculine face. Facial hair that I cannot entirely manage to cover up with make up. Masculine voice.

But I want to be able to go out in public as expressing myself as I wish to more often. Female clothes and mannerisms etc. Even if I have to actively make myself behave in such a way.

It's so hard though. I believe the city where I live is mostly safe, and when I have been out (which tends to be very rarely and only with other people) I think I may have had a strange look or two, but this is a city with a huge student population and lots of alternative cultures etc so I think it is mostly ok. The people that freak me most tend to be old women and those particular young men in their 20s who are trying to look all tough etc.
Even if I feel safe, it is a huge mental block for me to be able to do this more often, and I wonder if you have any advice.

If passing was the most important factor in my Transition, then I would never have started. I do not "pass" now and I doubt I ever will "pass" I will however, be me...Being me is far more important because I spend so much of my time alone being mew...I am going to do some things that will help me pass but the best I can hope for is to blend in. I am going to try and have as nose job and after that it is about letting HRT do its best because I can't afford any other cosmetic surgeries if I want GCS.....

[Mia]

When I first contemplated transition my therapist suggested I attend meetings of a MTF group. It was those group meetings that cemented the meaning of "gender spectrum" for me. There were all sorts of women, from those who I thought were cis women to those who were masculine, some balding even, but wearing dresses and discussing their GRS. Most important, though, was that every single person in that room exuded a great sense of peace and happiness in their decision to express themselves as they were.

[Lily.Arwen]

When I first contemplated transition my therapist suggested I attend meetings of a MTF group. It was those group meetings that cemented the meaning of "gender spectrum" for me. There were all sorts of women, from those who I thought were cis women to those who were masculine, some balding even, but wearing dresses and discussing their GRS. Most important, though, was that every single person in that room exuded a great sense of peace and happiness in their decision to express themselves as they were.

I think that might be helpful for me. Thank you. I would be scared of "not fitting in" though, but that is more due to the fact that I am shy and introverted anyway.

[Mia]

I hope you can find a group - and stick with it! It was very difficult for me, but I kept going anyway. After about 6 months I told my therapist that I was very uncomfortable in the group and that I felt very embarrassed and disappointed by my own feelings. He told me that he had sent me there on purpose, to help me find my own place in the gender spectrum and deal with the fact that I had deeply-rooted transphobic issues of my own to deal with.

You can do this!

Mia

[Michelle_P]

When I attended my first group session, I was surprised at the variations just across the five people there.  The therapist mentioned the annual Trans March that was coming up in San Francisco and nudged us to attend. I did...

That was just mind-blowing. A couple thousand, from pre-teens to geriatric cases in wheelchairs, short, tall, bald, bewigged, beautiful happy folks all playing in the park, then marching through downtown.  And suddenly I wasn't alone any more.

Neither are you.

[Lily.Arwen]

I hope you can find a group - and stick with it! It was very difficult for me, but I kept going anyway. After about 6 months I told my therapist that I was very uncomfortable in the group and that I felt very embarrassed and disappointed by my own feelings. He told me that he had sent me there on purpose, to help me find my own place in the gender spectrum and deal with the fact that I had deeply-rooted transphobic issues of my own to deal with.

You can do this!

Mia

I might have similar issues.

My first awareness of trans people as a child was through derogatory language probably negative depictions.

[Dena]

Do I pass all the time? NOPE Do I let it bother me? Not really. Often I go for a long time and then I discover that a place I thought I was passing I wasn't but everybody was to polite to say otherwise. For the most part people really don't care as they have their own life to worry about so get out there, do the best you can and have fun.