Telling Friends I've Felt 'GenderFluid' ?

[Snidi]

Hi all,

AMAB here. I want to be able to tell two close people in my life that I've felt genderfluid. All signs point to them being accepting: as they are two kind hearted people I've grown up with who are very liberal. I suppose they would be willing to accept me.

However....I'm deeply ashamed of this. Deeply ashamed of something I don't even fully understand. Perhaps my personal state is so difficult to diagnose because of fluctuations in thought. I like to think I am fully male. But as much as I hate to admit it.... I feel like there were moments in my life where I really really wished I was a girl. My photographs of me crossdressing and my memories of my fantasies is probably enough proof of that.

Of course, again, because I have male pride, any potentially feminine aspect of myself has brought great shame.

Anyway, how would I come out? To friends/family members I almost fully trust?

[Jacqueline]

Snidi,

I responded to your other post.

I did not get from that, that you are still wrestling with some of this. So sorry.

I would highly suggest that you seek out a gender therapist. I think you may need to explore these thoughts and feelings. I would encourage you to find a therapist and be entirely honest with them. They can help guide you through the maze and come to your conclusions of what you are.

I say that because it strikes me that much of what you describe are more feelings and intuitions than realization and acceptance. The shame is common in our community. It is something you need to work through and address to get the better of it. Shame can lead to fear, privacy, hiding and often lying. I can say all that with full personal knowledge.

There are some wiki postings here that talk about coming out as well as an entire subcategory. Reading some of that might help.

I would also suggest you wait to come out until you have a more sure understanding of your self. It is a challenge to come out to all or even a few, then have to change it even once.

Good luck. I wish you love, acceptance and a smooth journey; however far it takes you.

With warmth,

Joanna

[Snidi]

I'd love to speak about this with a therapist.   But like I said, I'm scared to open up about this with anyone!   Not my family, not my friends, not a therapist.   I'm just so darned ashamed that I'd ever feel like a girl.   I really don't want to feel like a girl, because I just want to be able to be happy in my birth gender.   

So what can I do, if I'm scared to open up to anybody?   Terrified of transitioning and not desiring to, but at the same time, having thought about it?

[Jacqueline]

You are between a rock and a hard place.

I still think you should take the plunge and talk to a therapist. Whether gender specific or not.

I know I was terrified to do that. However, I was up against a wall.

Maybe the best way to look at is, what is the worst possibility? What is the likelihood of that? Has this therapist heard something "worse", more "perverse", "sicker" ...? My guess is they have. Additionally, they are legally bound to keep your secrets.

Honesty is the only way to work with a decent therapist. However, you do sometimes have to try one before committing. It is almost like dating. Some relationships just don't work, others do from the first moment.

I found it easier to say some of the things I said to a person with whom I had no past history.

Maybe others have more ideas. These are just my experiences and thoughts.

Take care.

Warmly,

Joanna

[Snidi]

Oy.   Well, I can't work with a gender therapist due to insurance not taking it + my mother keeping an eye on SO MUCH of this stuff.   Which leaves me solely with the option of talking to a regular therapist....   And even though my therapist is liberal and whatnot....I'm still supremely scared to admit something like that.   I am too darned proud of my masculinity.

Part of me thinks that perhaps I should just take a lot of medication....   Because I pretty much know, deep down....I REALLY REALLY (keep adding 'REALLY' to infinity) DO NOT want to change my gender, when taking into account all the circumstances that it would require.   I wish society was different:   more open minded.   Maybe then I'd feel better.  But alas...

[Anne Blake]

Hello Snidi,

I have to echo what Joanna has been saying. We all can relate to your fears. Please trust me when I tell you that we have been there and wrestled with the same issues, of trying to learn who and what we are compared to what we have been taught is right and wrong though those growing up years. This is neither a simple nor easy wrestling match. You may or may not be transgender or gender fluid. If you have read many posts on this site you realize that what we are is not something that we have much choice about. I have not heard of anyone wishing that they were gender variant. But you have also read stories of the ones that, after they talk with others to better understand what is going on, are able to do some really great things with their lives. You are struggling with some tough stuff and this will probably continue until you get help from an experienced therapist to work through it, what ever the outcome. If you are limited to a general therapist, I would recommend calling a few of them from your insurance carrier's list to find one that has experience with gender identity. Good luck with your struggles and please keep us posted of your progress along the journey of learning who you are.

Anne

[Nicole A.]

Hi, I just had my 1st therapist appointment last week... I was a complete wreck telling her my situation.  I was shaking and stuttering..I was like afraid to come out to her...

I am the same as you and probably 80-90% of the others here, its like the feeling are soooo strong wanting to be a woman....but how could I possibly tell my coworkers, family and the 2 friends I do have...  I told the therapist "can't you just give me a magic pill and I can go back to being a man inside".....ofcourse that or "shock therapy" wont work either...
I'm going to continue therapy gor awhile and see where that goes....

Good luck to you, stay strong.... 

[Mikka55]

I found a therapist near my area. We kinda e-mailed back and forth for a bit, but of course eventually she wanted me to book an appointment $$$ with me.  But I never did book an appointment.  She knows about my current situation. 
I am kinda in the same boat as you.  Somedays I know I want to be female, and other days I don't mind being male, because of my job.  I am still transitioning slowly and since hrt will take years I'm not worried yet until my parents ask me.
I want the female body and at the same time be male when I want too be.  So what my goal is, is try to have a neutral look.  I'm 105 lbs and 5 foot 3 so pretty skinny, and i doubt i'll have big breasts.  So thats my way of switching back and forth. Hope it helps

[kellb]

A bit of solidarity - I absolutely get the shame part.  I also internalised a lot of self-loathing over feminine feelings and desires, and it still plagues me.  It's to the point of a total mental block: I'll be talking about something gender related to my partner and then just stop, because I literally cannot say the words out of immense shame.  It's frustrating because I really want to talk about it with him... ack.

What I tried that did help was talking about related things.  I was able to get my brain to eventually circle round.  "I'm not talking about girly things, I'm talking about sensitive elements of the male psyche..."  Once I went in a big enough circle, my brain had de-risked and slightly de-shamed the thing I wanted to talk about, and I was able to say the words that needed to be said.

It also helped me a bit to internalise my non-binary fluid aspects as "status lights" or "modes" and I could say "I'm in my fem mode.  Male mode does not apply to me here, and I can feel what I need to feel." and vice versa.  It created a window in which I could explore a little (and online communities are great for that), and sandbox my gender identities.  Give it a shot, if you can.

I believe in you.  You've been strong enough to get there, you can be strong enough to talk about it with the people who matter to you.  It might just take some time to develop yourself to the point where you can.

[Emileeeee]

A therapist is probably the easiest real life person to open up to. They're not supposed to judge you no matter what comes out of your mouth. If you're afraid to tell a therapist, I feel like going straight to family is going to turn your world upside down. A rejection from family can be devastating. It takes some serious mental fortitude to handle it and you're not going to have that if you're ashamed of it.

Fear of transition is normal. I was equally as afraid of transition as I was of not transitioning. I was also pretty much begging therapists to fix me and make me happy being a guy because I was so afraid of it. That's not what they do though. This is something you have to figure out.

One of the many reasons I chose to transition was realizing that I would never be able to get rid of the thought just by thinking or not thinking about it. The only way to get rid of it is to explore it further. In my case, I decided transition was right and it was the best decision I ever made. In your case, you may find the opposite is true. You won't know until you try.

Have you tried maybe toning down your style to be more androgynous without mentioning genderfluid at all? If it's more personality, try opening up a little more about stuff you like that you've maybe acted like you didn't. Your true friends aren't going to care about you changing your style or finding out you've watched say yes to the dress and liked it. They may give you a hard time, but they're not going to stop hanging out with you over it.

It may also be comforting to know that guys are pretty much oblivious to what people are wearing, especially when it's not the sex they're attracted to. Women may smile at you when they notice it, but I never had anybody, male or female, make a comment about androgynous attire when I was still exploring. 

[EyesOpen]

I'm pretty early along, too. I had my first appointment with a therapist last weekend, and my second coming up Saturday. We'll be discussing HRT. Thinking about HRT gives me an odd mix of anxiety and excitement. It's great, because I'm taking my first real step towards transition, and it's terrifying for exactly the same reason.

Expect to go up and down a lot as you explore this. I've had a rough couple of weeks lately where I started slipping back into the depressed, withdrawn guy I lived as for so many years. Losing touch with this side of me adds to the fear -- if I'm not feeling 100% about starting transition, my mind starts questioning it and forgets all the positive / happy bits, and the doubts/questions start feeding each other. It's a lot to deal with, but know that you're not alone with it <3

One thing I wanted to point out -- depending on your area and situation, there may be low cost gender-specific therapy available. For instance, my town's Pride Center offers therapy services via student interns for $10-40 per session:

http://choicesconsulting.com/fees-insurance/ ("Center Support" box at the bottom)

With something like this, for $10 and a ride you may be able to get some help without having to divulge much to family until you're ready. I hope you can find something that works for you.

And talking to a therapist isn't as scary as it sounds. Most of the time, after you get past the initial hump of saying "I'm questioning my gender", the rest flows out easier. The therapist isn't friend, family, or even an acquaintance -- they have zero involvement in your life outside of therapy. Plus, they're legally bound to keep what you tell them confidential, and they aren't judgmental (if they want to keep clients and pay their bills, anyway!). Realizing this makes it easier to open up to them.

Also keep active on this site. It helps a lot to share with others and hear about their struggles and successes.