Hello everyone,
(supposing) MTF here.
I am going through a very difficult time, a very difficult and confusing time. Due to many reasons (shame, failure, etc.) I often find myself fallen into the "negation" of my "old, male" self, and pushing on my female self for, maybe, justifying what I did (bad things, failures, etc.).
The bad part is that, as a female, I have the sensation of not recognising myself, to have a discontinuity, which feels very uncomfortable.
For this reason, I often say to myself: "ok, think a-gender, put the gender away from this moment, as when you were a child, just not think about it". What happens is that I feel more stressed (like, the stress I lived for an entire life believing I was a boy, plus a deep sense of shame), but I feel myself again, the same "persona".
I feel this as very painful, but also very healthy. I feel myself again, not male (except my body), not female.
Anyone of you have ever experienced or felt like this?
What do you think about it?
To myself, this helps me to accept myself as "the guy who feels like a girl, and eventually IS a girl", without any discontinuity from the past.
Anyway, there is a point in which my inner self wants to get out, and show itself: there is when I "move" to my true gender (and self), female. Also, I still don't know if I have physical dysphoria, but I am hating dressing like a guy.
Kisses,
Ive (and zee's strange topics)
