Hello everyone,

(supposing) MTF here.
I am going through a very difficult time, a very difficult and confusing time. Due to many reasons (shame, failure, etc.) I often find myself fallen into the "negation" of my "old, male" self, and pushing on my female self for, maybe, justifying what I did (bad things, failures, etc.).
The bad part is that, as a female, I have the sensation of not recognising myself, to have a discontinuity, which feels very uncomfortable.

For this reason, I often say to myself: "ok, think a-gender, put the gender away from this moment, as when you were a child, just not think about it". What happens is that I feel more stressed (like, the stress I lived for an entire life believing I was a boy, plus a deep sense of shame), but I feel myself again, the same "persona".
I feel this as very painful, but also very healthy. I feel myself again, not male (except my body), not female.

Anyone of you have ever experienced or felt like this?
What do you think about it?
To myself, this helps me to accept myself as "the guy who feels like a girl, and eventually IS a girl", without any discontinuity from the past.

Anyway, there is a point in which my inner self wants to get out, and show itself: there is when I "move" to my true gender (and self), female. Also, I still don't know if I have physical dysphoria, but I am hating dressing like a guy.

Kisses,
Ive (and zee's strange topics)

Hi, Ive! 

I think I understand what you mean. I believe for most of us there is some degree of confusion about our own identities. Specially for the ones who start to discover their true selves in later moments in their lives.

But in my opinion, being a girl, being a boy, androgenous, hetero/homossexual or pansexual... these are just labels established to try to organize the social reality. But we are more complex than labels or social expectations... much more. We are who we are, and that's it!!

I believe it is not about trying to push you into pre-established boxes of roles, but finding your own box, that fits perfectly your own needs, dreams and identities.

Find out what makes you happy, do not harm anyone (that includes yourself), stick to it and let some time for your mind to be gradually adapting to your discoveries.

Be sincere to yourself and rethink about this idea of discontinuity from the past. It has always been you, exploring all your complexity and trying to find your inner happiness! 

No matter what! Remember to smile and be happy during all the process! 

And if you ever think you cannot deal with it by yourself, you may refer to professional help. Psychology can really help to vanish away internal conflicts and find happinness. I totally recommend it!

Best wishes, dear!!

Hi Annushka,

wow, your name seems Russian. Are you from Russia or Eastern Europe?

Thanks for your words, you're very sweet
I agree with what you said, and I would add that boxes are not for us, but they "may" be useful for other people. In my case, I think that saying, at a certain point of my life, "I feel a female, not a male" can stop people for pressure me about things, expectations about the gender role you are supposed to play in your (and their) life. Sometimes it is only for some time, just to get things less stressful. At least, you get that "this guy went nuts, let's get away from him for a while", which sometimes is useful as well
And yes, I started discovering/stop-pretending/feeling myself at age 30.
T'was a big leap...

In my case, I lived the last 8 years with a lot of stress and shame on my shoulders, and probably I needed to "disconnect" from the past. I also thought to disappear, leave my family, friends, whatever I did, and start over. I chose to not do it. It is though, but maybe healthier. I concluded a PhD (It took 7 years in a place I didn't want to live in anymore...) and came back home to say "hey! know what? I feel a woman, and I think I am getting it right". But pressure and shame are at very high levels.
Very though, but a part of me knows that the hardest path is the best one (but maybe I am also very needy in this moment, and... a kind of masochist ).

I started a psychoanalysis path in February, and I like it. I am so confused and hate so much things and people, that I need to put something out, relax, and solve my conflicts. In the end I know I am a cool and smily person, I just buried all this deep inside me.
And yes, smile is the most important thing to do, or to "let go" without shame

Huge kisses to you, Annushka!
Thank you, too
Kisses,
Ive

Thank you for your kind words. 

I feel really happy to be able to help you somehow... I - as trangender, psychologist and buddhist - know how hard and painful can be to achieve a peaceful state of mind being exposed to all these complex and apparently contradictory feelings. But it is an incredible journey of self awakening and self discovery that is really worth!

I'm glad to see you have professional care. It is definitely helpful!


Yes, you got it right about my name, but I am not Slavic. Actually I am far away from there, as I am Spanish/Brazilian. But I just like Russian culture and I love the way they use names. So Annushka is a familiar short form of my name.
I study Russian, but I'm still A2.

Are you Russian? And may I ask you in what is your area of studies?

Best wishes!!!

Annushka,

wow...
No no, I am Italian.
E falo português, se quer saber
Passei os últimos anos da minha existência em Portugal (o que foi uma dor, na realidade... muito complicado). Mas olha lá, agora falo Português também

Eu tirei o curso de Licenciatura e Mestrado em Engenharia Informatica em Napoli. Logo foi fazer um PhD em Computer Science em Coimbra. Foi durante este periodo que, numa crise sem saída, teve que começar a responder a todas a perguntas que estavam na minha vida desde sempre. Acabei no 2016, e voltei pra Italia pra fazer o ponto da situação, e... envolver minha familia e alguns meus amigos no meu processo de descoberta (o que está funcionando mais ou menos), e confirmar o tudo que descobri. Tenho 34 anos, e comecei a me ver como mulher no 2014, aos 31/32.
Sim... "late bloomer"

E você?
Beijo grande,
Ive

Que legal!

Io anche posso parlare un poco d'Italiano, ma in verità il mio italiano è molto meglio parlato di quanto scritto.
Amo l'Italia, e soprattutto Firenze e la regione della Toscana.

Você fala muito bem português. Infinitamente melhor que meu italiano. Parabéns!!
Comigo é muito recente. Eu nunca entendi que era possível ser uma mulher transgênero e gostar de mulheres. Na minha cabeça idiota um homem que quer mudar de sexo deveria ser essencialmente um homem homossexual (ou uma mulher heterossexual). Como eu não me adaptava a esse quadro, sempre me vi apenas como um homem com uma alma feminina.

Até bem recentemente, quando eu percebi que minha alma feminina é quem realmente eu sou, e a idéia de "homem" estava sobrando... Pois agora tenho 35 e somente agora resolvi realmente me entregar ao meu Eu mais profundo... Em grande parte por medo de perder minha amada esposa.
Estou fazendo consultas médicas e psicológicas para iniciar HRT.

E essa sou eu!

YUP! well kinda i guess. I mean as a kid i had longings of being a girl and wanting to be more femininebut i rejected those as then and became as much a man as i could, trying to be like every man i saw. When i came out 2 and a half years ago i was so happy to be a gril, but doubts and feeling disconnected from the old me came in and tho i loved being disconnected from the ''man''. i hated feeling disconnected from some of my acheivements i had back then too. Anyway, i had a huge issue earlier this year and stop transition, i even went full man mode at times but was so miserable i went to being trans-feminine i guess, where i can feel and basically be a girl, look androgeynine (or what ever the term is when people are not sure as it blends) and it does feel good most of time! providing i actaully feel like a girl ad not a guy, tho the girl inside of me does scream to come out. And one day. She will!