Hi Alex,
You sound a lot like I do! Doubt is definitely a normal part of this, so don't worry too much about it.
What it comes down to in the end is making a decision that is going to make you happy. If you feel like you're going to be happier presenting as female to the world everyday, then go for it! Embrace it and love it.
The idea of being "trans enough" isn't really all that helpful in my opinion. You don't need to prove your "transness" to anyone, so long as you're happy. There's a gender spectrum - you can be very masculine at one end, to very feminine at the other, anywhere in between or nowhere at all.
I'm in a similar position, in that I don't know (yet) 100% what I want to do. I have things I need to sort out, as you do too! But that's okay, it's not a race! Time helps - everything becomes a little clearer as you get more in touch with what you're feeling, why you feel the way you do and what helps you feel better.
Some points that I consider (that may be helpful to you) in trying to make sense of what's going on for me are things like:
- If I was
truly happy as a male, would I even consider my life as a female?
- If I was presenting as female, would I consider life as a male? Essentially, would the reverse be the same or different as it is now?
- If I had nobody else to consider but myself, how would I present?
- If everybody saw me as a female, and accepted me as female, without question, how would that make me feel?
The reality is that most males and females in the world don't question their gender identity like we do. And that's a pretty good indicator that there is something that needs to be addressed. And that is totally okay!
Remember, there is no one way to be male or female. Take a look at the people around you and look at how diverse and individual they are. Some men have long hair, and some women have short hair - and vice versa. Some men are gentle and caring, and some women are rough and tough - and (again) vice versa. You can be whoever you want to be, so long as you're comfortable and happy, because at the end of the day, only you have to live with you!
Ebbs and flows of doubt are normal, too. I mean, we're in a society which practically tells us how to act and behave. To this day (pre hormones and transition), I still get doubts. But it's important to really look at those doubts and understand where they're coming from. Are they doubts instilled from beliefs of outsiders (friends, family or society in general)? Do the emotions you feel when questioning make you
excited at the thought of being gendered female?
Picture you in the future. What do you see?
QuoteThe main source of my confusion though is wondering if it is actually enough for me to transition.
If transitioning is going to make your life happier and more fulfilling, go for it.
If transitioning is going to take away your doubts and fears, go for it.
If transitioning is going to, ultimately, improve your life, go for it.
There's no right and wrong way. You may find you get to a point in your transition that makes you happy and satisfied, that doesn't involve surgeries or hormones - that's perfectly okay! Embrace it.
Therapists and counselors are great ways to get your feelings off your chest in a safe and confidential environment. They can help you make sense of what you're feeling, and you can go from there. All of use here can support you and help you along the way, too.
Don't think of it as a horrible thing, but a journey. You can learn a lot about yourself, which is never a bad thing.
I hope this has helped.
Much love,
Karlee <3
