Just some feelings expressed

[kaitylynn]

So I have been on transitional dosage HRT for over a year and I was chatting with my friend who is about a month ahead of me.  She is really tied to reaching the female side of a binary system and she started to ask me about how I deal with things as they change.  I realized that I am not actually spending any energy worrying about any of it and I am happy in the present moment.  She then said that she feels I am gender fluid as she can see me shift to whatever 'mode' I want...but then I realized she is making her judgments based almost entirely on what is visible.

At about 9 months, it feels like I hit an internal stride where a bulk of the struggle I have worked through simply slipped into the void.  Like, I was still fighting with myself about my appearance right up until I wasn't.  As I started to pick apart where my new found contentment was based, I realized that it was I am seriously comfortable being 'non-conforming'.  In that, I mean that being in the middle anatomically is not a horrific resting place for right now and while I will certainly continue to move towards as close to a traditional female exterior as possible...it is not the imperative it once was.

My friend asked why I do not dress more like a girl...huh?  Because clothes are something I wear to stay legal, but I certainly do not view them as my definition.  They are accessories and anything I wear is femme...because I am wearing it.  I am me, 100%...none of the division that so many people express in groups and support structures.  I am Kaity, all the time...every second of every day.  I have been since the 80's and even when I was 'in hiding', my identity has been mine at heart.

So this got me to questioning deeper, what are my true feelings?  I am a girl inside.  But how do I know?  Well, when I am compared to males, I do not fit.  My reactions to things, my feelings on things and my approach to life aligns closer to my female friends than anything my male friends do.  So, in order to define myself, I realized I have always used comparison.

This is where I found my contentment stemming from...HRT has helped me to find a stride that works for me and I no longer need to fit a model or social construct or anything else that requires me to compare.  If I walk out the door with messy hair and no makeup, so be it.  If I go out in my Friday night pretty...great!  Either way, I am the same person inside and actually find it fun to observe the various changing reaction based on how I look.

So, due to a need to be defined by so many...I am a gender non-conforming transsexual female working my way through steps to eventually undergo sex change (not reassigning anything, but actually changing it).  I have had an incredible journey so far and every moment is precious to me.  I am so glad to have the peace of heart now as it allows me to better appreciate the awesome life I have lived thus far.

Something uttered from these fingers a few times over the past few years, enjoy every second of your journey!  We get one roll through it and all of it is ours for a personal experience, unique to us as individuals.  We bring to the whole our story.  Given a choice between a positive tale and the opposite...I choose the up beat!

Thanks for reading my rambling!

[SadieBlake]

I'm right there with you sister! It hasn't been easy and intellectually I knew this 20 years ago. I began to accept it emotionally when I decided to start transition - about a year ago and I'm still coming to a place of comfort about not passing. But the fundamentals are all there - appearances just aren't that important to me, I know how I feel etc.

Thanks for expressing it so well.

[Karlee]

Hi Kaity,

I really enjoyed reading this. It's really nice to see you so comfortable in your own skin all the time! (I'm totally jealous). You're totally right in saying that you shouldn't have to compare to other people. After all, we're all unique and individual in so many ways.

I can relate to a lot of this. Though I'm still in the "questioning" phase (for lack of better description) and pre everything, every time I've doubted my feelings, I've always thought to myself "what is really changing?". I can still do all the things I do now as a "male" - my identity, thoughts, feelings, morals and ethics stay the same, it's just my outward appearance is altered to reflect how I feel.

As I continue along the journey, it becomes more and more clear.

Stories like yours are really inspiring. They make me feel hopeful knowing that people can be happy in their own skin all the time. It reinforces that there is no right and wrong way to do things! It's all about how you feel, and it really looks like you've come to a place where you just feel good and right. At the end of the day, what more can we ask for?

Thanks for sharing!

Love,
Karlee <3

[Tessa James]

Kaitylynn you are a rock star.  I have had many of those same feelings and experiences.  I have yet to find the labels or someone else's appraisal of me to be very helpful.  Non binary and non conforming works for me if I need to use shorthand.

It seems women are too readily judged on appearance first and character second.  Initially friends and strangers offered unsolicited advice and offers to do make overs, go shopping and more.  I quickly found their agenda to not be mine.  It feels far more important to be my most genuine self and that includes decades of living as a man.

We are unique and no comparison is needed to validate that we are real.  I too feel so very good and content that i forget about the passing stuff most of the time now.  And the up beat goes on and on:)

Great personal declaration of freedom from the tyranny of appearance!

[kathb31]

Kaitylynn
I very much appreciated your post and admire how comfortable you seem
to be in who you are and not so caught up in the physical. I know at times
I can get pretty obsessed with my appearance and need to concentrate more
on who I am. Thank you for getting me more focused on the important things.

Kath