So I have been on transitional dosage HRT for over a year and I was chatting with my friend who is about a month ahead of me. She is really tied to reaching the female side of a binary system and she started to ask me about how I deal with things as they change. I realized that I am not actually spending any energy worrying about any of it and I am happy in the present moment. She then said that she feels I am gender fluid as she can see me shift to whatever 'mode' I want...but then I realized she is making her judgments based almost entirely on what is visible.
At about 9 months, it feels like I hit an internal stride where a bulk of the struggle I have worked through simply slipped into the void. Like, I was still fighting with myself about my appearance right up until I wasn't. As I started to pick apart where my new found contentment was based, I realized that it was I am seriously comfortable being 'non-conforming'. In that, I mean that being in the middle anatomically is not a horrific resting place for right now and while I will certainly continue to move towards as close to a traditional female exterior as possible...it is not the imperative it once was.
My friend asked why I do not dress more like a girl...huh? Because clothes are something I wear to stay legal, but I certainly do not view them as my definition. They are accessories and anything I wear is femme...because I am wearing it. I am me, 100%...none of the division that so many people express in groups and support structures. I am Kaity, all the time...every second of every day. I have been since the 80's and even when I was 'in hiding', my identity has been mine at heart.
So this got me to questioning deeper, what are my true feelings? I am a girl inside. But how do I know? Well, when I am compared to males, I do not fit. My reactions to things, my feelings on things and my approach to life aligns closer to my female friends than anything my male friends do. So, in order to define myself, I realized I have always used comparison.
This is where I found my contentment stemming from...HRT has helped me to find a stride that works for me and I no longer need to fit a model or social construct or anything else that requires me to compare. If I walk out the door with messy hair and no makeup, so be it. If I go out in my Friday night pretty...great! Either way, I am the same person inside and actually find it fun to observe the various changing reaction based on how I look.
So, due to a need to be defined by so many...I am a gender non-conforming transsexual female working my way through steps to eventually undergo sex change (not reassigning anything, but actually changing it). I have had an incredible journey so far and every moment is precious to me. I am so glad to have the peace of heart now as it allows me to better appreciate the awesome life I have lived thus far.
Something uttered from these fingers a few times over the past few years, enjoy every second of your journey! We get one roll through it and all of it is ours for a personal experience, unique to us as individuals. We bring to the whole our story. Given a choice between a positive tale and the opposite...I choose the up beat!

Thanks for reading my rambling!