Can I be trans, or just insane?

[gallux]

Hi ladies,

I have been a lurker here for quite some time. And before I start, I want to apologize if my story offends any of you, I can't even imagine what most of you have been through in your transitions.

I have been seeing and enjoying results, stories. But I still haven't seen any case similar to mine. I will explain.

For some time already, I have been questioning whether I am trans or not. Since my childhood, I had this dream of becoming a woman... waking up some day as a woman. This thought always followed me since then, and there isn't a single day I don't catch myself wondering about this. It used to be and still is a major turn on for me, and I can't count how many hundreds of hours I have spent online looking for fiction, porn and related things related to gender transformation. Also, I crossdress since my childhood as well, and in the past few years it have intensified of course, with financial and personal independence.

Then, eventually I put the porn aside a bit and started seeing more and more serious information about gender transformation. After seeing so many successful transitions and happy new women, I started questioning myself. May I be trans? I fought myself for many years and tried to avoid this thought, told myself that this is insane and just postponed. Of course, if I stay still or wait for the years to just pass, I will never have the chance to experience that. But there is one single known solution to this, and it is transitioning and start living as a woman.

But then, observing most (if not all) stories in this forum, the main reason and the driver for a change is that a transwoman was born with the wrong sex - she is a woman trapped in a man's body, and transitions to adequate her body to her inner self, which is female.
In my case, I don't have that clear dysphoria. I am not really uncomfortable with my life and I don't feel that I have been born in the wrong body. Although I don't really enjoy being a man, and I don't fit into this category very well - ex., I don't enjoy the usual manly hobbies, I am not either a manly man, and I feel a bit out of place in groups of men. I am not proud of my "organs", and I don't like the male figure at all... At home, let's say that my wife is the real "man of the house", and that always annoyed me.

But then, I think of myself as a woman. I also can't see very well myself living as a woman; I am into women and married to one. I don't behave like a woman (nobody ever doubted me or questioned my sexuality or anything else, and if not the fact that I told my wife that I crossdress, she said that she would never have thought), although I think that, if I ever transitioned, it is just natural that a person would change its behavior, being the hormones, or just seeing itself more and more feminine as the transition goes through.

But, if you make me a question: would you choose to transition and to a sex change if you were given the opportunity? I thought about it for a long time and my response was yes... it really scared me, and made me think more and more about the consequences of this change, to the point I was even starting making plans and a timeline for a change...

Weighting all this, I came to one conclusion recently. I wanted really to be the opposite of all transwoman that I ever saw. Instead of a woman trapped in the body of a man, maybe what I really want is to be a man trapped in a woman's body.

Now. you may be seeing this and probably want to say "you gotta look for a therapist" or even a psychiatrist, and I don't disagree, I really should have done this long ago and eventually will do. But, doing this right now would imply people making questions, and specially my wife. I am not yet prepared to tell anyone, specially her. So, I turn to the internet anonymity and to the members of this forum, that have been through all sorts of related struggles, to see your opinion regarding my transexuality, can a person be trans even without dysphoria? What advice can you give me to come to a better understanding about what I want?

And lastly, again I am really sorry if my story offended anyone, I know this is very serious and so many of you have been through nightmares to reach your objectives. But I am in desperate need of answers.

[Jill E]

Hi! [emoji847]

First and foremost- yes, you should find a therapist. There are many therapists who work with trans clients, while that isn't their main area of focus. You wouldn't have to tell everyone even really anyone that you visits were because you are questioning these things. Therapists aren't going to look at you any differently either, especially if you find one who works with trans clients; chances are they've dealt with individuals who have gone through similar things.

Your story is different than mine, but that doesn't by any means make it less authentic. You may very well be trans, gender nonconforming, gender queer, or even something like bi gender. There's a whole spectrum and trans just happens to be a somewhat inclusive niche.

As for the porn bit, its possible the thought is just a turn on because it feels freeing. Again, really this is something a therapist would help you identify.

I think seeking a therapist is what you're going to hear most in the responses, and I really hope you follow the advise, as much as it may scare you or make you afraid you'll be found out. I can definitely relate to that (:


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[RobynD]

Yep a gender therapist will help you figure it all out. Ultimately though, you be the one coming to the conclusion as to how to proceed with the help of that interaction. There are trans folks who experienced little or no dysphoria.

I also agree and second the though that based on the fact that you don't feel at home as a man and don't see yourself as a woman, have you considered the possibility that you might be non-binary, genderfluid etc?

I also would not let the porn side of things tell you much about your identity. Like you i married a woman that was clearly  the leader at home. We may choose partners based on parts of ourselves we do not even fully understand yet.

[Tessa James]

There are thousands, if not millions, of personal accounts that are unique to a single individual.  Dysphoria can vary widely and may say more about the lack of cultural awareness and acceptance we experience.  Suffering and discomfort with rigid gender roles happens to cisgender people too. 

We may wish there was a test or formula that could validate what we feel.  I convinced myself for years that I did not fit the typical narrative, behavior or appearance of the trans people I had met.  Still, that deeply intrinsic gender identity I had reduced to a shadow was persistent and eventually I came out.

Many of us share that early fear that I am just crazy, weird or, in my case, all that and I'm probably an alien too.  Sharing our experiences with knowledgable folks does help.  You are not alone

[stephaniec]

sorry to be the parental type , but I would say therapy would greatly clear your path.

[Denise]

Gallux, your story is similar to yours in a lot of ways.  Let's get the ugly parts over first, porn.  I found myself living vicariously through all the women in the pictures.  And for the written/stories I again would dream that it was me.  But I have not looked at nor read any porn since the day I came out to my sister 14 months ago.  Before I came out it was almost controlling my life, now, no interest.  It was like a switch was turned off.

As for not feeling like a women trapped in a man's body, me neither.  I felt like a mistake was made.  Like you I don't really like the male form, as you put it, I much prefer the female version.

It has taken a year, a rough year, my wife is... Umm... Let's say not happy about all of this.  But right now I'm sitting in a restaurant after shopping wearing 3" heels, woman's jeans, a black tunic with a silver sweater.  And I feel free for the first time in over 50 years.

As others will attest, the feeling(s) will not just go away.  In my case I had a mental breakdown before I relented and went back on hormones. 

Please see a therapist and most importantly, be honest with them.

Your friend-Dee

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[Harley Quinn]

I pose the question of a 3rd possible scenario. One in which you are merely you... I have been very much a man's man, and I still enjoy all the same things I did before. I merely more closely resemble a woman to the outside world. I still prefer dating women, I still ride motorcycles, I still enjoy manual labor, and I am still a gearhead. The whole idea of "transition" is to be a truer version of yourself. The only way that I have found to make it work is to be yourself. If you get too caught up with what you think you should be, or how you think you should act, or what you perceive as accepted standards you will never truly be happy with either gender. Take a page from the LGB community and do what you feel is right and makes you happy. There is no right or wrong way to live. There is just what makes you happy and what doesn't.  Something to think about, and I do wish you all the best either way you wish to go. Remember that "You are the only thing in your life that's forever."

[gallux]

First, I'd like to thank all of you that read this very summarized part of my history. There is so much more that I wanted to share but of course I should find and dump it onto the therapist

I read your opinions and it made me think a lot on the possibilities. In special, 2 comments I'd like to highlight

I found myself living vicariously through all the women in the pictures.  And for the written/stories I again would dream that it was me.  But I have not looked at nor read any porn since the day I came out to my sister 14 months ago.  Before I came out it was almost controlling my life, now, no interest.  It was like a switch was turned off.

As for not feeling like a women trapped in a man's body, me neither.  I felt like a mistake was made.  Like you I don't really like the male form, as you put it, I much prefer the female version.

It has taken a year, a rough year, my wife is... Umm... Let's say not happy about all of this.  But right now I'm sitting in a restaurant after shopping wearing 3" heels, woman's jeans, a black tunic with a silver sweater.  And I feel free for the first time in over 50 years.

Dee, many thanks for your post - I am so glad that there is someone that feel at least a little familiarized with my story, and I can see that I am not that crazy or unique as I thought... and your description of yourself, sitting in public and feeling free gave me a lot of hope... I can imagine myself in the same position as you were this day, and it doesn't feel wrong to me... I would prefer this than to be a bald 50 year man, wearing ugly boring pants, shirt and loafers...

I pose the question of a 3rd possible scenario. One in which you are merely you... I have been very much a man's man, and I still enjoy all the same things I did before. I merely more closely resemble a woman to the outside world. I still prefer dating women, I still ride motorcycles, I still enjoy manual labor, and I am still a gearhead. The whole idea of "transition" is to be a truer version of yourself. The only way that I have found to make it work is to be yourself. If you get too caught up with what you think you should be, or how you think you should act, or what you perceive as accepted standards you will never truly be happy with either gender. Take a page from the LGB community and do what you feel is right and makes you happy. There is no right or wrong way to live. There is just what makes you happy and what doesn't.  Something to think about, and I do wish you all the best either way you wish to go. Remember that "You are the only thing in your life that's forever."

Thank you Harley, "There is no right or wrong way to live. There is just what makes you happy and what doesn't." "You are the only thing in your life that's forever." I will keep these thoughts with me for sure... I see that you may not necessarily have to fake it, or act it like a woman... you just keep being who you were and adapt your outside to what you think that looks better on you... independent if it is a different gender or anything else... exactly what I think...
And by the way, you looked "wonderful" in that other picture, literally

[Harley Quinn]

Glad it resonates with you, and we all wish you the best! Please post if you ever need, the community here is filled with amazing people! 

[Christina308]

I really enjoyed your post. You and I are very similar. I've been transitioning for a while now, and may have some extra insight into the matter. May i ask, what's wrong with being you with a woman's body?

[Dena]

Welcome to Susan's Place. Two things to keep in mind. People who aren't transgender never question their gender and being transgender/transsexual is a self diagnosed condition. The doctors who treat us may have their own opinion but in the end, you are the one who decides on the corse of treatment. Personally, I wanted to be a girl and I was uncomfortable as a male. The trapped in the wrong body argument really couldn't apply at that time because I didn't know how being a woman felt. I have lived as a woman for over half my life and I never imagined it would feel the way it has all these years. Therapy will help you work through your feelings but for now you might find "the transition channel" the transition channel useful to look at.

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[BirlPower]

There are some similarities with my experience and also some differences. I grew up feeling like an odd kind of guy. I never felt I had the wrong body but I did feel I wanted to play in the female paddling pool, as it were. I've always been atracted to girls and never to men. I had both female and male friends at school and enjoyed my time with both groups equally. The time spent with the girls had an extra frisson of exoticness that added to the appeal. I often felt like an intruder with the girls, like I had no right to be in their space even though I craved it so badly, but they were true friends and always acepted me as one of them. An honorary girl. So I assumed I must just be an unusual kind of guy.

I always hated trousers. It always seemed to me illogical that men wore trousers and girls wore skirts. Sureley the dangly bits would be more comfortable with a bit of air around them, that is why nature evolved them that way after all. Male clothes were just utilitarian. When I first wore a skirt the feeling was like coming home. After experiencing that, it got harder and harder to dress male. I've never felt dysporia about my body but I've always felt dysporia about my social position and external presentation. Being expected to be strong, be the bread winner, never cry or express tenderness. I hated this. I wanted to hug people, show my sadness and fear and to accept other peoples help and support. But guys don't do that. I don't really feel like a woman either though. I like cars, guitars and hifi. I also like dresses, nail polish, lipstick, earings. I love the company of women. They talk about much more interesting things than most men. Did I mention dresses? I really like them.

Trans is a very wide umbrella, there's lots of room under here and Susan's makes us all welcome. I'm certain from your story that you are trans. Talking to someone, here in Europe we're cheapskates so we tend to use friends rather than therapists, will help you understand what spot under the umbrella is most comfortable for you. You may even find you are in a spot that no one else occupies. That's OK because you'll be shoulder to shoulder with people who are only a little different and who understand and accept you.

The hardest thing most of us go through is the process of understanding and accepting ourselves. Sounds to me like you are in that phase of your journey. I wish you luck with the journey and joy when you find a destination. You've come to the best place to make a start.

Hugs
B

[gallux]

I really enjoyed your post. You and I are very similar. I've been transitioning for a while now, and may have some extra insight into the matter. May i ask, what's wrong with being you with a woman's body?

Hi Christina, thanks for your reply.
The fact is... nothing is wrong really, in my opinion. The main reason I posted this thread and requested some opinion of ladies who went through with a transition, is that wherever I look for information about transition, the main reason one would proceed this way is if "the person is identified with the female gender since her early ages, or should have been both a woman, but instead was born a man, and should transition so that the external aspect matches the internal aspect."

What I noticed in the opinions I got here is that this is not a straightforward rule, and there are different spectres of transness. One not necessarily have to match exactly the rule above, but may even identify with both or none gender at all... it is a matter of how do you feel it is right for you to express yourself, and you may want to change your physical appearance to make it look more natural, or to be more satisfied and happy with yourself.

In my case, the fact is that I am not mainly concerned with the "self" aspect... as I said, I have this "dream" to have an external female appearance since early childhood, and I am not feared of the physical consequences of a transition... hormonization, surgeries, etc. I am comfortable and would not refrain from spending a cent if it were to make me happy. I really think that people should adapt themselves to whatever they think it is right for them, and should not be concerned about any aspect, be it religious, social, whatever. I am atheist and I think we are here for a single lifetime, so why not make it the best you can, and either succeed or fail, but at least trying? I think if it were only for me, I would have already dabbled with hormones, and even further.

The biggest concern really is the price to pay... not the financial, of course. Personal life, dear relatives and parents, closer friends, and workplace... so many things at risk. But the one only thing that make me stop and get REALLY scared... is the fear of losing my wife.
She is what I value the most. She is the perfect person for me, and it would not make any sense to go through this transition, if not by her side... not only this, but go through anything else without her. I revealed to her that I have been a crossdresser for a long time, and despite some initial struggle, she coped with it and eventually even enjoyed, even though she says she still finds it very odd seeing me in ladies clothes. But transexualism I think it would be different. I slipped off some times already saying something like "Oh, you're so lucky to be a woman" And she said "Hey, what? Do you want to be a woman? Don't ever say something like this, or we're done" And the usual "I did not marry a woman" And I am almost certain that the day I tell her about my condition and decide to step forward with transitioning, it will be the day we will part ways.

I think it may be very redundant for most people here, everyone may have faced the same problems. I hope this explains a little better, Christina, I really have nothing against being myself in a woman's body, it is really the understanding of my condition (which I am finding now some answers), external emotional and affective factors, the huge personal barrier that keeps me from going further.

Trans is a very wide umbrella, there's lots of room under here and Susan's makes us all welcome. I'm certain from your story that you are trans. Talking to someone, here in Europe we're cheapskates so we tend to use friends rather than therapists, will help you understand what spot under the umbrella is most comfortable for you. You may even find you are in a spot that no one else occupies. That's OK because you'll be shoulder to shoulder with people who are only a little different and who understand and accept you.

The hardest thing most of us go through is the process of understanding and accepting ourselves. Sounds to me like you are in that phase of your journey. I wish you luck with the journey and joy when you find a destination. You've come to the best place to make a start.

Hugs
B

B, Thanks so much for your reply, and I'm glad that you identify and seems you are very similar to me. It gives me one more reason to believe that there is nothing wrong with what I feel, and I can still be the same unchanged person in the inside, and adapt my outside to whatever I think express better my feelings and dreams. And as you, I am a cheapskate for many things, but I spend with what is worthwhile and I would not spare a penny to seek my dream. And by the way, when I turn the "girl" switch, I normally spend a lot... my wife sometimes have to stop me from buying too much clothes/shoes 

[LiliFee]

Hi ladies,

I have been a lurker here for quite some time. And before I start, I want to apologize if my story offends any of you, I can't even imagine what most of you have been through in your transitions.

I have been seeing and enjoying results, stories. But I still haven't seen any case similar to mine. I will explain.

[...][

But then, observing most (if not all) stories in this forum, the main reason and the driver for a change is that a transwoman was born with the wrong sex - she is a woman trapped in a man's body, and transitions to adequate her body to her inner self, which is female.
In my case, I don't have that clear dysphoria. I am not really uncomfortable with my life and I don't feel that I have been born in the wrong body. Although I don't really enjoy being a man, and I don't fit into this category very well - ex., I don't enjoy the usual manly hobbies, I am not either a manly man, and I feel a bit out of place in groups of men. I am not proud of my "organs", and I don't like the male figure at all... At home, let's say that my wife is the real "man of the house", and that always annoyed me.

But then, I think of myself as a woman.

First of all: hi!

Whatever is in there will come out no matter what. Will you allow it? I guess your answer is: yes. Otherwise you wouldn't be here, looking for reflections of yourself. Perhaps you will find some, who knows

To me, your story actually sounds quite familiar. Perhaps Ive also been looking like that, before. But one thing was clear from the beginning. This would always be with me. I would never escape the knowledge of myself, my femininity. So then the question remains: do we allow it to flourish, because it's a part of US.

And flourish it did... and it will, for you, if you let it. You might even like it, hihi

go forth, young woman!

[Tessa James]

I imagine many of us have met successful, well adjusted women, post transition, who do not identify as trans any longer.  They might consider it a part of their very personal medical past that is nobodies business.

Welcome to the Place and, yes, I share your feeling that self acceptance is a major part of being happy as ourselves

[Mariah]

Locked for review

[Mariah]

 
Please keep in mind TOS 9 and the rest of the TOS. Transphobic and non supportive statements in regards to what we do are not allowed. Thanks
Mariah

Thread unlocked.

[Mallory]

Hi Gal,

I'll start off with one very important thing that I think is fairly interesting.  There seems to be a correlation between a person being oversexed (constant masturbation, increasing need for additional stimuli/porn/erotica) and being trans*.  I suffered through almost two decades of it (10 to 30 years old).  The further along I've gotten with medically transitioning (HRT) the less I've desired to masturbate at all (once or twice a week if that now, whereas years past it could have been 2-8 times a day); that may have to do with the anti-androgen, but with partners I have no issues whatsoever, be they female or male, with performing in *any* capacity and being ravenously aroused all the while.

Secondly, I would say to you, given your statement regarding your significant other, that you should do whatever it is that's going to make you happy with yourself.  The longer you wait, if medically transitioning is what you feel would be right for you (there's a difference between transgender and transsexual as the latter seeks congruence between body and mind and the other simply seeks freedom of expression), the more likely you are to resent not having gone for it sooner along with continuing to needlessly suffer mental and emotional impairments if you currently are.

As for the prospect of losing the person you love there are several trans women who spent a decade or more with their spouses here on this site who are far happier having transitioned and parted ways with their spouses than they would have been stuck in a gender role and with a body not congruent with who they were.  People come into our lives every day and every single one of them has a purpose; we are not guaranteed any length of time with them nor any particular outcome. 

So my suggestion is that you first and foremost make peace with yourself and determine what will make you happy intrinsically.  If you haven't done so already develop yourself in a way going forward where your happiness comes from the things you do for yourself and from within you rather than any romantic relationship.  Pursue hobbies, build a social network of close friends and allies, and never forget to love yourself.