Having a really hard time

[Olivia88]

Hi everyone. So I have come out to my girlfriend about being transgender. She's super amazing and cool with it that I am, but she is honset and doesn't want to be with me if I transition cause she won't be attracted to me. It sucks cause I don't want to lose her. I really don't want to transition if it means I don't get to be with her. I have just been depressed and been having an internal battle. I plan on coming out to my parents this week and I also want to see a gender therapist or one hat can help with this situation. If anyone knows of a great one in the orange county area that would be super helpful and any other help would be amazing.

P.s. me and my gf have been together for 3.5 years and I want to marry her, but I want to be more stable and certain of what I want. Thanks!

[Cindy]

Hi Hon,

I'm sure some people will supply comments to therapists in OC.

I'll apologise if my comments seem odd.

You presumably presented as male, found a female that liked you. Presumably she is heterosexual. She wants a man in her life and probably assumed you wanted a woman in your life. You start a loving relationship, share dreams and boundaries and desires.

You both start to plan a life together and all of the intricacies that involves. She may have asked how many children would we like?  Do we have a conventional relationship or ...? Do we both work buy a house, apartment or what...?

Do we just travel and not bother about 'normal' stuff?

Then you tell her that you are not a man but that you are a transgender woman but that you love her and wish it all to stay the same.

Unfortunately it doesn't (often) work that way.

Her dreams were centred around a man, possible children and maybe a family orientated life. You are know saying that a lesbian relationship will satisfy you.

But what about her?

She is saying it won't.

So you need to make a very careful decision. Will your gender diverse feelings go away. Can you be counselled out of them?

In my experience on the Forum, No.

You may hide and you may squirm but they come back.

You then are in a position of (maybe) having a wife, children, family and coming out as TG. You have to repent your excuses to your wife, feel her shock horror and tears. Deal with the family.


Or do you go for counselling now and think very damn hard about putting your GF through all of this.

You may lose somethings now but maybe gain many things in the future.

Think what Love means and let that guide you.

Cindy

[Sophia Sage]

What Cindy said.

If your GF doesn't want to be with you in transition, she doesn't love the real you.  This is not the basis for a relationship.

[EmilyMK03]

Cindy really put it well.  If you really love her, you'll let her go.  She needs to find someone with whom she can be with - someone who identifies as a man (you said this yourself since she doesn't want to be with you if you transition).  If you love her, let her go so she can be happy - don't waste any more of her time.

[EmilyMK03]

maybe you can play the slow road game and do a slow transformation. Start where you are and fem up slowly but stedily until you reached you goal of womanhood ? maybe it will be less of a shock to those around you and maybe, just maybe she will be ok with it. Dono if that helps but maybe ?

Please please do NOT do this.  It's not fair to your girlfriend.  She needs to know upfront whether you will transition or not, or to what extent you need to express your femininity, if you decide not to do a full transition.  She is spending some of the best years of her life with you (already she's spent several years with you).

She already said that she does't want to be with you if you transition.  Don't deceive her or mislead her.  If your gender identity is male, then sure, go ahead and continue the relationship.  If your gender identity is female, then you will almost certainly transition, so break off the relationship now.  And if you don't know what your gender identity is, find a gender therapist ASAP and figure it out.

Do not waste your girlfriend's time.  She deserves to have a happy life, whether that is with you or with someone else.

[Olivia88]

Thank you guys so much for the  help. I know you are right about not waisting any more of her time. This is just super hard and something I wish it didn't have to end, but I need to realize this is probably for the best. It sucks having to do this. I don't want o break up with someone I love, but I want her to be happy and she probably would be happier with a real man and not  woman trapped in a mans body. I would like to see a therapist before making any final decisions. Thank you again! This has helped!

[stephaniec]

I hid for 65 years the only reason I came out was that I was a lone and had absolutely no one. I just want you to realize you may or may not find someone else . For what ever the reason I am still tearfully alone . Make sure you don't abandon love for a whim.

[Denise]

My wife of 31 years said "but what about the rest of my life...". Your girlfriend has potentially 6 or more decades left.  So do you.  You each deserve someone to grow old with. 
Remember you may be a lesbian, but apparently she is not.  You can't force sexual orientation.

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