I just came out to my wife

[Krystina52]

I told my wife on Wednesday night. She has gone between being angry and crying and laughing. She has agreed to let me dress in the privacy of our home as long as I do not pursue transitioning on a full time basis. I really want to transition and have waited my entire life to do this. She says that she may leave me if I do, so I am not sure if I should go ahead and transition or give her some time to adjust to Krystina. My goal is HRT and GRS. I am 64 and I cannot wait any longer. Does anyone have any advice for me.
Thank you.
Love,
Krystina

[Dena]

Welcome to Susan's Place. I can only see two options. The first you already thought of is to take it slow and easy. The second option is to have joint therapy sessions with your wife. It possible by talking with a professional she will better understand what you are facing. It's possible given time as you wife sees the changes take place in you, you might be able to negotiate a better deal but without knowing more, it's guess work on my part.

We issue to all new members the following links so you will best be able to use the web site.

Things that you should read

• Site Terms of Service and rules to live by
  
• Standard Terms and Definitions
  
• Post Ranks (including when you can upload an avatar)
  
• Reputation rules
  
• News posting & quoting guidelines
  
• Photo, avatars, and signature images policy
  

[zamber74]

I don't have any advice Krystina, but I would like to congratulate you on coming out.  Sixty four years is a long time to hold this in, for me forty two seemed like an eternity, I can only imagine what you are feeling right now!  I really do wish I had some advice for you, it would be nice to give you something  

Just know, I feel really happy for you! 

[Janes Groove]

Welcome to Susans. You are in the right place and how wonderful to finally be free.  Am I right? I'm 58 and came out last year. And believe me. Best year ever!

My only advice is this:  You came out to your wife and she reacted negatively. OK. Give her some time.   Plus side. You now get to be yourself in your own home.  That's huge. I think you may find, at least I did, now that you are out that most of the shame you may have always felt about cross dressing will immediately fade away and you will be able to feel it to be exactly what it actually is.  Exceedingly therapeutic.  But it's naive to think that that will be the end of the conversation about the subject between the 2 of you.  That's where you can uses Susansorg as a tool in your transition.  Don't hesitate to post early and often the particulars of this new and ongoing conversation you have begun with your wife.  Ask us for help on how to approach her reactions and arguments against you becoming more yourself.  I have seen many members use this forum for just that purpose.  Also. Like Dena said. Couples counseling.  Relax. Don't stress.  And enjoy the ride.

[KathyLauren]

Congratulations on coming out to your wife, Krystina!  I did it earlier this year at age 61, so I know how it feels.  What a relief, eh?

I am afraid I don't have any advice: my wife was totally supportive.  If your wife is not 100% supportive, at least she is not 100% negative.  You have something to work with.  The suggestion for couples' counselling is a good one.

[JoanneB]

My wife has known for almost 40 of my gender issues, failed transition experiments, even the little HRT on/off history. Still dropping the T-Bomb on her was a shocker. Plenty of feelings of betrayal. plenty of "If I only knew..."

Even in my case, with a wife who knew it has taken quite a bit of time for her to adjust to such a seismic shift and vision of a future for us. I'm not sure what I'll be doing in the future. Between HRT and being able to present as female on a part time basis I'm OK. Most days I don't feel I need to do a full transition. Just would like/want to if I could. For me gender is one of the many aspects of myself I need to juggle to keep balance overall in my life, in our shared lives. Today, my wife is leaning heavily towards being able to stay in my life if I do need to go full-time.

Give her, and yourself time to discover who you really are inside

[Denise]

SLOW is the key word here.

My wife reacted very badly too when I told her just 13 months ago.

Here are some things that I advise (I'm 54 and we've been married for 31 years)

* Remember you have had 60 years to understand/process this - she's had 60 seconds/hours

* She NEVER (probably) thinks about gender, she just "is".  You do and that makes you different and she doesn't understand that.  (When she finally understood this things took a turn for the better for us.)

* She really does not want to see you all made up as a woman.  She may say that it's okay, but DO IT SLOWLY.

* GET THERAPY.  For us, couples therapy was nothing short of a DISASTER.  For most it helps, for us - BAD NEWS.  She goes to her own therapist and I go to mine.  It helps.

* DO NOT talk about it all the time.  I know, you can think of nothing else (been there) and she might be thinking about it all the time too, but try to keep your daily conversations as "normal" as possible.  Throw this in on occasion, but not all the time.

* If you do not have a professional diagnosis GET ONE.  For me it helps when I come out to people to say..."I've been diagnosed with Gender Dysphoria and I've had it since I was 4."

* Did I mention - go SLOW.

* If you are having trouble "keeping it in" find a group in a different town/city (I'm an hour from Chicago so this was pretty easy) that is LGBTQ friendly and dress in the car going to and coming from.  For me it helped calm the desire and helped me get comfortable being out in public.

* IF you have the ability (both time and money) go on a vacation by your self.  6 weeks after coming out to my wife I went to Orlando for 4 or 5 days with 50/50 Dan/Denise clothes.  It was an eye opener as to what I liked and what I didn't like.  A year later I did it again and went 0/100 Dan/Denise clothes.  Except the clothes on my back I had no Dan clothes. (See other posts on how it went.  )

Good luck and when you get to the required number of posts (15?) private message me and we can chat all you want.  You'll need a private release.

- Dee

[aaajjj55]

Dee - amazing advice, thank you for sharing with us.

Krystina - your experience sounds very similar to mine.  The best advice I can give you is not to let the issue go away.  I was given 'the ultimatum' and, as a result ceased all activities.  In turn, 3 years after I confessed, it is never mentioned and a subject we just don't talk about.  Usually I can handle this as my dysphoria comes and goes in waves; however, at the moment my dysphoric feelings are as strong as they've ever been but I am fearful of confiding in my wife due to the reaction I expect to get.

I am very sympathetic of our wives' plight.  This is not something they signed up to when they married us and the fact that we have kept it hidden for so long only amplifies their difficulties in accepting it.  The other thing I think we all to often overlook is how we would feel if our wives, after several decades of marriage, all of a sudden announced that they wanted to transition to male or liked pretending to be male in secret.  For us, becoming female, either occasionally via crossdressing or permanently via transition is moving towards where we want to be, for our wives it is the exact opposite as they see the individual they love disappearing.

Ultimately, what we face here is a choice - if pushed, what would we sacrifice - our family life or our own destiny (for want of a better word)?  Sadly, for many of us, this is a lose-lose situation; transition and lose everything or stay as you are and try to live with the frustrations, depression and everything else that dysphoria throws our way.

To close, you have said that your goal is transition.  Despite the fact that this will have, at best, an adverse effect on your relationship and, at worst, finish it, you need to talk to your wife about it no.  This will firstly leave you in no doubt as to her views on it and secondly enable both of you to start planning the future.

With best wishes,

Amanda

[LizK]

I am not sure there is much I can add..the gals seem to have covered it all.

My experience tells me a couple of things

I agree...take things slowly

NEVER borrow her stuff...just don't, even with permission

Be patient , be kind, be assertive. There is no point in putting everything on the line and then not being truthful about what works and doesn't work for you. You can't expect her to support you if she is not sure what she is supporting.  Be prepared to cry...as I was told...Take out some shares in a tissue company.

Transition is tough, but the rewards....

Hugs
Liz

[706Phoenix]

That makes you and me in the same boat except I still have to tell my wife and not sure how it will go as she likes thins to be black and white and no in between. Hope it will go  well for youueaxgr

[aaajjj55]

NEVER borrow her stuff...just don't, even with permission

I completely agree but, ironically, when we were trying to work through things (i.e. before 'the ultimatum'), my wife said that she would have preferred to hear that I was wearing her things rather than going out and buying my own.  It's definitely not something I would have felt comfortable doing, though.

[JoanneB]

THE WORSE Part about borrowing something from your SO is hearing "F&^%$... That looks better on you then me"

Or, to put things another way... You know you are in deep doggy do-do when......

Hey... Life is supposed to be an ADVENTURE. Right?

[sarah1972]

THE WORSE Part about borrowing something from your SO is hearing "F&^%$... That looks better on you then me"

Ha. - yeah, I run into that trap a few times... however it did not matter if it was something borrowed or something I bought for myself

[Krystina52]

Thank you all for the amazing advice. I have decided to take it very slow. For now I will be Krystina on a PT basis in our home and she has agreed that soon, we may be able to go out together as a couple of best friends. Please understand, I love her very deeply, she has not told me that I cannot transition, she has left it up to me, however, I know that if I do, my marriage will crumble. So, for now I will live openly as Krystina, which is a huge jump for us. I am not sure what my future ho;ds. but I know that I love my wife very much. Wish me luck, I need it!

[LizK]

Thank you all for the amazing advice. I have decided to take it very slow. For now I will be Krystina on a PT basis in our home and she has agreed that soon, we may be able to go out together as a couple of best friends. Please understand, I love her very deeply, she has not told me that I cannot transition, she has left it up to me, however, I know that if I do, my marriage will crumble. So, for now I will live openly as Krystina, which is a huge jump for us. I am not sure what my future ho;ds. but I know that I love my wife very much. Wish me luck, I need it!

Has your wife actually said that if you transition she would not support you? I  know you are the best judge but so far seems pretty good her response seems very positive, maybe you could be in for a pleasant surprise if you find transition is what is what you need to do and good on you for thinking of her. I know how hard that can be but in my experience in many cases it pays huge dividends in terms of happy outcomes for everyone.

Liz

[Donna]

Has your wife actually said that if you transition she would not support you? I  know you are the best judge but so far seems pretty good her response seems very positive, maybe you could be in for a pleasant surprise if you find transition is what is what you need to do and good on you for thinking of her. I know how hard that can be but in my experience in many cases it pays huge dividends in terms of happy outcomes for everyone.

Liz

Krystina, I also am 64 and trying once again to win my wife's acceptance and support.

Liz, you may have seen my posts along similar lines. Krystina, I wish we could talk!

I also am 64 years old and am tired of holding in this lie. I have been married to the same wonderful woman for over 40 years now. She once said 3 or so years ago that she did not like the thought of me as a woman. Logical and normal. Those three years ago she also threatened divorce but that was at a time of our financial melt down which led to extreme intoxication on my part and bouts of anger.

We are now in a state of love and happiness once again without drinking or financial doom looming over us.
I think that now she will decide to stay with me when I re-open the subject of me needing to be a woman. I have no promise or proof of this in advance, but I think we both are in better emotional and supportive places now.

[Denise]

Donna,

   I'm only 55 and married for only 31 (ha - only!) and I came out to my wife Nov 1, 2015.  The word divorce didn't come up for a few days but it lingered for about 6 months.  My wife and I are definitely hung up on money issues and in the past has caused us lots of stress.  We've come to a detente on my transition but it took many months.  Mostly the "agreement" was reached when she/we realized that we would lose a lot of freedoms by running two households.  Especially since her income is 1/3 mine and Indiana is a no-alimony state.

   She was adamant that if I transition, we would divorce.  Today we are living as friends who share everything.  Basically our relationship is "besties" without "benefits".  Is it ideal? NO, I miss cuddling.  Being on hormones drops the need (at least for me) for sex, but I worry about her needs that she doesn't want me to satisfy.  I  hoping that once she gets to know me as Denise, that maybe, just maybe, she can give it a go.

    I guess I'm writing this to tell you that there could be light at the end of the tunnel and it's not all that bad.  She understands now why I must transition and that helped.  (I had almost a total mental breakdown in September and I came within inches of a total implosion.  I don't suggest doing that.)

Lots of hugs and good luck.
- Dee

[Donna]

I have a very wonderful gay cousin who is also near my age. His life partner (they are yet to be married but I hope will) has suggested that my wife may be in a passive active preconscious state of resisting knowing about my transgender issues. She has been momentarily hostile toward my cross dressing over our 4 decades of marriage and sometimes wink-wink-nod-nod playful with me in the bedroom, and at times has replied at seeing things like the Kaitlyn Jenner story on television that she is tired of dealing with stories of what she disparagingly calls "transvestites".

My wife has to know about me by now. Yet she seems to be in this passive active preconscious state of resisting knowing. I mean, she even pretends I have boobs during our most intimate physical act of pleasure!
Where am I with her? She is in a passive active preconscious state of resisting knowing .

Somehow, with the spine that I intend to grow as I resist taking that first HRT pill without her knowing, I must talk to her.

[Donna]

My conversations with my therapist are working me toward the courage to come out to my wife.

In a silly conversation to test the waters with my wife, I asked her, "Why do you love me?"
Her reply was, "Because you are so sweet to me." Her answer had nothing to do with loving me because I have any manly traits, or because of my appearance, or because I am a good provider, or because I am strong, or because I like to do rough and tough things. (This would not describe me at all.)
I do believe she loves me for the way I treat her, and I believe without the aggression due to testosterone I will only be better at what she loves about me.

I am working through this before I come out to her.
Very soon now.

[Veda]

Well, it is going to be my turn very shortly.

I guess the thing I really want to do is let her understand that I'm still the person she married, just more so.

I may have a different method of showing than others, so it may be less of a problem.

I don't need to wear makeup, or dresses, (except for special occasions) I would like to be able to wear womens jeans and shoes with a more feminine T-shirts (no, not hello-kitty  )

I'll still work and pay bills, still mow the lawn and do chores.  All the things I do now, I'll just have my ears pierced and sit on the couch with my legs under me.

This isn't easy.