Can I lie to my grandma about my transition?

[IamAnna]

Hi,
I am 29 and at the begin of my transition. I came out to most people who know me. For my family, I came out to different people at a time the reason for that is that my family is separated by country and language barriers. So far all my family members did not accept me and the contact has died. Currently the ones left in my family are my mother, grandma and uncle. We live around 7 hours (with a car) away from each other so we only see each other 10 days a year divided on 2 meetings. One of them is Christmas. I already had a talk with them about transgender people thanks to "Conchita Wurst" from the "Eurovision Song Contest". And my family had a rather strict way of thinking by ending our talk about that topic with the conclusion "These things belong locked away". And when ever such topics come up she tells me how good it is that I am "normal".
When I talked about this with my therapist, she told me that transition is not a wishing concert where I can choose what I like and what not, either I go full Women in every aspect or it doesn't count.
But I really love my grandma. I have so many fond memories and she already over 90 and will probably not survive the next 10 years.
So my question is: Is it ok if I pretend to be a man for these 10 days per year?
What is your opinion?

[KathyLauren]

Welcome, Anna.

she told me that transition is not a wishing concert where I can choose what I like and what not, either I go full Women in every aspect or it doesn't count.

That is not entirely true, although I think I understand what your therapist means.  You can do anything you want.  You do not have to conform to the binary view of gender if that does not fit you.

However, if you are working on your one year of real-life experience for the purposes of being eligible for GRS, they do generally want full time to mean exactly that: 100% full time, no exceptions.

Is it ok if I pretend to be a man for these 10 days per year?

What matters is whether it is okay with you.  This is something you should talk over with your therapist.  If you are not living full-time, then it should have no implications.  If you are living full time in preparation for surgery, then you should discuss with your therapist what the implications are.  If the health care providers where you are are hard-line about sticking to the WPATH guidelines, then it could delay your eligibility for surgery.

[Dena]

Welcome to Susan's Place. You may find it difficult to hide some of the changes that will take place in you and there may be questions. Some MTF return to boy mode for a few days at a time so it can be done but others appear so feminine that they are gendered female even while in boy mode. You will have to consider that you may find yourself answering these questions in a year or two and should be prepared for the adverse reaction. On the other side of the argument, it could take you a couple of years before you are ready to go full time and that could give you some time to work on the family. It's always best to prepare for the worst and hope for the best.

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[Angela Drakken]

When I talked about this with my therapist, she told me that transition is not a wishing concert where I can choose what I like and what not, either I go full Women in every aspect or it doesn't count.

I'm not sure that's sound advice for a therapist to be giving. There is documentation to support that there are plenty of gender dysphoric individuals who either choose not to transition at all, or remain gender neutral and live perfectly content lives that way. I may be stepping on toes, but is it not illegal for a therapist to outright TELL a patient/client what to do under the hypocratic oath?

But I really love my grandma. I have so many fond memories and she already over 90 and will probably not survive the next 10 years.
So my question is: Is it ok if I pretend to be a man for these 10 days per year?
What is your opinion?

Ask yourself this, is it okay for you to pretend to be something you truly feel inside that you're not for any amount of time for someone elses sake? I understand the fear of harm coming to yourself or someone you love.

That said, 10 days a year, and her being 90 years old, if I were in that situation, and my family shared similar beliefs that we 'should all be locked up,' I'd frankly just stay away. I'm not gaining anything from those 10 days a year, and I'd choose to keep my memories of them pleasant.

[FTMax]

I think you can be full time and have some small exceptions that don't carry through or have bearing on the rest of your life. 10 days is 3% of a year. It's such a small sacrifice to make. If it would make you feel better and help you maintain a close relationship with your grandmother near the end of her life (and that is important to you), then I would do it.

But at the same time - what do you gain from this? Will you be able to feel okay for those 10 days? Will the outcome be worth the discomfort you will no doubt feel? Those are questions I can't answer, but may help you get there.

[IamAnna]

Thank you for your answers.
KathyLauren got it quite right. The no exception rule is for the real-life experience. Since my goal is a full transition with all the necessary steps including surgery.
I have not started the one year yet. Currently I am working half time as a scientific assistant beside my Master studies. I thought about cumming out at work but the researcher on which my own research is based on is quite homophobic and could hinder my research, so until I have all my data and the publication secured I will stay a man at work (which is around 4 more month). The other 19 hours a day I am living as a woman.

The question asked to me to was "What do you gain from this?":
For me it is not what I gain but what I can loose.
When I came out it started to good. My best fried was super supportive and we have become closer than ever before. I still look very manly and also sound like a man but still where ever I went people treated my like a woman. Even after some weird phone calls where I made an appointment for a hair cut and the lady was confused why a man was asking for a female hair cut and I explained I had a "sore throat" and sound like a man due to that, she said sorry and switched immediately to female pro noun and at the hair dresser I was just a woman under many. I have only got a second confused look twice one in the ladys bathroom of a cinema and once at a train station. Practically everyone treated me  normally. Well I lost some acquaintances but that was not a problem until I came out to my family. Every one I am blood related to and knows that I transition cut the tie to me in one way or an other. And that scares me. I have only a hand full of family left and I do not want to loose them.

The other question was "Will you be able to feel okay for those 10 days? ":
Well I think, probably.

The next question was: "Will the outcome be worth the discomfort you will no doubt feel? "
That is a tricky question. And I think I cant answer that in advance and have to try it out. In the end it is a lose lose situation. So I will choose the scenario which causes me the least discomfort.

I will post an update when I return from my family.

[CarlyMcx]

For this year you may be able to present male for those ten days, but what happens next year?  Hormones are going to change your body.  I am 54, and after six months on hormones, most of my old male clothes no longer fit, and when I wear the ones that do, I am starting to look more like a girl trying to dress as a guy than like a guy.  This may be okay for work, but one thing about relatives, they tend to notice if your appearance changes from year to year.  If you walk into a gathering after a year on hormones, believe me someone is going to notice, no matter what you are wearing.

Something to think about.