My husband came out as transgender now what?

[home4u]

I am reaching out here because I am learning about what it means to be married to someone who after years of marriage has come out to me as transgender.

I love my husband, we have children together, a life, family, community.

For the last year my husband has been seeing a counselor for what I thought was depression. It turns out that he was seeing a gender therapist and that he is Transgender and has been hiding this for his whole life. He told me his entire story and to begin with I thought it was just that... a story.  But who does this? Who says they are "gay" or "they are a woman in the wrong body"? 

Men just don't do that.

So...I have been looking, talking reading, searching for answers and it has led me here.  I have been reading many stories of people that stay together and others that break up and some that are just playing it day by day. The Later is where I'm at. At the moment.

I told him I love him but I need time to figure out what this means to me and I asked him to split our combined worth up now, because if I have to leave I want it to be with as little pain as possible and I need a net and I hate lawyers, I would like a clean exit. I have no financial means outside of us and I need to know I'm safe and our kids will be able to eat and have a place to sleep. He cried and told me that no matter what all he wants is for us to be safe, I believe him. He has a good heart.

So now I'm reaching out here for advice from anyone with it. I've read the posts and threads here, found many like mine. But I could use some insights and thoughts. I want to be with him but now I'm not sure its possible.

1 – How hard is it really to stay with someone that is transgender? I don't think I'm a lesbian but I do find women to be beautiful I could maybe see us staying together but will our love stay? I'm concerned we will just be good friends if we stay together. I don't want that. I want love.
2 – What If I no longer want sex with this person, am I destined to be with out sex rest of my life?
3 – Do people love and stay together but move to separate rooms?
4 – What if he starts liking guys... maybe he already does! He says he only wants to be with me for the rest of his life and he is my person. He says he loves women, only attracted to women, but I have used toys on him in our play in the bedroom for years (strapon and plugs). He says he is a woman and a lesbian and lesbian anything super arouses him. He sees himself as a woman when we make love now, just with a penis.
5- He wants the surgery to remove his testes, says he despises these *things*... won't that destroy sex?
6- Him being an older male, I don't get why he wants to do this now.. I'm confused. He won't be hot, he is older best I think he could hope for, with LOTS of surgeries and implants would be to pass, even then..everyone will know.
7 – what are some good articles or resources? I found ->-bleeped-<-, huffingtonpost, any others out there, any with stories I might read?

Thank you graciously to any that care to share or help me with my questions.

[cheryl reeves]

I am reaching out here because I there www.

1 – How hard is it really to stay with someone that is transgender? I don't think I'm a lesbian but I do find women to be beautiful I could maybe see us staying together but will our love stay? I'm concerned we will just be good friends if we stay together. I don't want that. I want love.

Me and my wife have been dealing with this for 18 yrs.and we are more in love now that all my secrets are out in the open. Its hard but with work on both sides it can work.

2 – What If I no longer want sex with this person, am I destined to be with out sex rest of my life?

Thats your choice. But you have had sex like 2 women for yrs. So what's the problem now. Me and my wife still has sex but not that often due to her health issues.

3 – Do people love and stay together but move to separate rooms?

Me and my wife refuse to have separate arms we still sleep together like we have for 28 yrs.

4 – What if he starts liking guys... maybe he already does! He says he only wants to be with me for the rest of his life and he is my person. He says he loves women, only attracted to women, but I have used toys on him in our play in the bedroom for years (strapon and plugs). He says he is a woman and a lesbian and lesbian anything super arouses him. He sees himself as a woman when we make love now, just with a penis.

Me and my wife made bedroom games more fun since I came out. I love women for men don't do nothing for me. Its up to the person and what they want.
5- He wants the surgery to remove his testes, says he despises these *things*... won't that destroy sex?
No, but it will be harder to get an erection so Viagra or Calais comes into play.

6- Him being an older male, I don't get why he wants to do this now.. I'm confused. He won't be hot, he is older best I think he could hope for, with LOTS of surgeries and implants would be to pass, even then..everyone will know.
Many come out later in life for we of the older generation was taught this is wrong so we hide. Many come out and don't do surgeries.
7 – what are some good articles or resources? I found ->-bleeped-<-, huffingtonpost, any others out there, any with stories I might read?

Thank you graciously to any that care to share or help me with my questions.

[DawnOday]

It depends on what you classify as love. A sex act? A kind thought? Being there when you need him. My wife and I share everything. I kind of learned that lesson with my first wife. We have not had sex since Oct 16, 1993 the day before my first open heart surgery. I have since hand three more operations.  Yet my wife and I are more in love than ever. Warts and all. We need each other and would not know how to go on independently. She knew when we were dating back in 81 that I liked to dress as a woman and I have been able to do so for the better part of our relationship. I affirmed it six months ago that a I could no longer live the lie, and decided to begin HRT. So far she is down with it, so I feel really blessed. If your husband is older like myself, there is a possibility that his mother received DES Diethylstilbestrol synthetic female hormones in massive doses while he was in utero, to prevent miscarriage and stillbirth.  http://DESACTION.ORG    DES SONS  I know this knowledge eased my wife and children's understanding of my situation.
https://www.susans.org/wiki/Transsexualism_-_Information_for_the_family

[LizK]

Hi Home 4u


Welcome and I can hopefully share a few things that may answer some of your questions.

Why now? the great question...because prior to now most of us have been in huge internal battles. Think about how long your husband has held this within themselves and is only just now telling someone. I know it is  a shock but just for a second imagine having something that bothered you on such a basic level and you could NEVER tell anyone about it for all sorts of reasons. Being transgender while in the news and you hear much more about it now days those of us that grew up in during the 60, 70, 80's had nowhere to turn. For me it became a simple question of deal with my Gender Dysphoria or exit. My wife of 30 years much preferred me alive even knowing that I was going to transition...it wasn't an ultimatum and I offered to walk away and leave her with everything...I didn't care, I am fully aware of the position my transition puts her in...and so we talked, and we talk and we work through the issues..it is not an ideal situation for her nor me but we love each other and in the end we decided what was important in our lives and it was each other. My wife has such a generous personality and loves me so deeply that she will do anything to ensure I am happy. 

For many many years all I ever did was take care of her and my family and I don't begrudge them 1 second. I knew I couldn't do it forever and eventually I would have to deal with my gender issues but once my kids came along I did what I had to do to survive but when you ask my kids about me they would tell you I was a very angry person. So did I really do them any favors by hiding it from them...probably not. I guess what I am saying is I got to the point where I just could not function anymore my Dysphoria was out of control and the only out I could see was death. Years and years of this kind of thinking is dangerous.

The sex thing...you either can or your can not and you need to work out how important it is for you. Me personally I couldn't care less about sex...never could see what all the fuss was about...I know now why I think the way I do and feel the way I do. I am not a guy and I never was one...I certainly was brought up as one and born with the appropriate equipment but that is as far as it went. I had a really good go at being a guy but I was always doomed to fail.

What does the future hold...don't know...but I am happier than I have been in  along time, my wife and I are closer than we have ever been...our bond is supertight , I still have Dysphoria but that is beginning to change so the future is going to be full of challenges but I have my soul mate by my side so it will be alright.

I hope some of that helps 

Regards

Liz


Things to Live By are links we give to every new member......

• Site Terms of Service and rules to live by
  
• Standard Terms and Definitions
  
• Post Ranks (including when you can upload an avatar)
  
• Reputation rules
  
• News posting & quoting guidelines
  
• Photo, avatars, and signature images policy
  

[Raell]

People are born the way they are..they don't "choose" to be transgender. Most only transition as a last resort, usually to avoid suicide after a lifetime of suppression and dysphoria.

You will probably find many stories here that can give you insights.

I only found out I'm partially transmale in 2013, and I'm 64, so age has little to do with it. But the dysphoria had been making me depressed, have panic attacks, and was causing such distress I almost started taking testosterone to get relief. In my case, I'm only about 60% transmale and have a weaker female side, but the conflict was exhausting.
I found relief in a local Thai evergreen herb taken in Thailand for back pain. It relieves dysphoria and allows my gender sides to blend in peace.

However, my ex-husband recently emailed me that he plans to transition to non-binary female (he says he doesn't think of himself as a woman, but as "other"), and wants to join me in Thailand, get back together. He wants to take female hormones and grow breasts, dress and live as a female, but leave his body intact.
All I do is to dress androgynously, as I always have, so I don't do anything special to indicate a transmale element.

So, in our case, if this actually happens, there would be two people who have switched gender roles. And I also would face issues you are facing.

I don't know how our new roles would work. I would be perceived to be a "lesbian." I am currently teaching in southern Thailand, and although Buddhist Thai accept a Third Gender and have no problem with gender variation, there are many Muslims here as well. They are tolerant, but it might affect my teaching job.

I don't know if I would be attracted to his body anymore. Maybe I would attracted even more, but I don't know.

I don't know if he will switch to being attracted to males, decide I'm not good enough with my female body, and leave. Since my behavior has always been very male, and our love life was kinky, with much role-switching, he would have to had that element all along anyway.

Females typically run the family, make the decisions, and men just hand over the paycheck and help the wife. She decorates, decides where to go on vacations, etc, and men typically tag along. That's how it was when we were together (except that I had my own job and we started a small company together), despite our hidden opposite gender personalities.

So, now what? I still want to run things, and I don't want my life to become me tagging around behind him (or her). Maybe my ex will also want to run things, if he lets his female side dominate. My current idea is that he can rent his own apartment across the hall from me, and keep his own space, join me at will.

I have lived alone for six years since I moved to Thailand, but he recently remarried, so he would still have to come out, be divorced by his current wife-a staunch religious Republican, who rants against LGBTQ people, find a way to support himself online, etc. so it's a long shot that we get together, but a possibility.

This worried me enough that I began visiting this forum to gain insight from MtF people who have remained with their spouses, and how they worked it out.

[Dena]

Welcome to Susan's Place. I have never been in a relationship but I can answer some of the question based off the many posts I have seen on this site.

1 – How hard is it really to stay with someone that is transgender? I don't think I'm a lesbian but I do find women to be beautiful I could maybe see us staying together but will our love stay? I'm concerned we will just be good friends if we stay together. I don't want that. I want love.
Staying  with somebody transgender is very personal. I have see stories of women who say I  am not lesbian and can't wait to get out of the relationship. Other do everything they can to help their spouse transition and still others grow to love their spouse more as the spouse becomes more comfortable with themselves. It will depend on your values and your ability to accept what could be uncomfortable for you now.

2 – What If I no longer want sex with this person, am I destined to be with out sex rest of my life?
This is a question that might be asked by any divorced couple and there isn't an answer. I have seen people form relationships of 3 or more people and you may decide to leave the marriage for somebody else. Again it's a decision you will have to make.

3 – Do people love and stay together but move to separate rooms?
Most of the time separate bed rooms mean the love has gone from the relationship. If the love is still there, most likely they will share a bedroom but sex may be limited.

4 – What if he starts liking guys... maybe he already does! He says he only wants to be with me for the rest of his life and he is my person. He says he loves women, only attracted to women, but I have used toys on him in our play in the bedroom for years (strapon and plugs). He says he is a woman and a lesbian and lesbian anything super arouses him. He sees himself as a woman when we make love now, just with a penis.
Sexual orientation doesn't change but some people are bisexual to start out with. I have seen many people who are transitioning but are heartbroken because their partner left time. I would say the odds of your partner remaining with you are far greater than those of your partner leaving.

5- He wants the surgery to remove his testes, says he despises these *things*... won't that destroy sex?
It could but blockers are pretty brutal and remaining on them for the long term isn't fun. You have to watch your diet and drink massive amounts of water with some. Short term on the blockers you will know what sex will be like in the future. Also there is more than one way to have fun in the bedroom and that will have to be decided between the two of you. Consider that you have minimal testosterone in your body but you still enjoy sex. This is true of us as well.

6- Him being an older male, I don't get why he wants to do this now.. I'm confused. He won't be hot, he is older best I think he could hope for, with LOTS of surgeries and implants would be to pass, even then..everyone will know.
You might be surprised at what can be done without surgery. In my case, one of my therapist said I was to masculine to pass. Maybe so but I have had no difficulty moving in society for over 36 years. Even for those of us who don't pass well, escape from the the years of dysphoria is an acceptable tradeoff.

7 – what are some good articles or resources? I found ->-bleeped-<-, huffingtonpost, any others out there, any with stories I might read?
There is a ton of information on this site because many members post their personal stories. In addition, we try to help SOs as much as possible because we understand how difficult it is for them. Feel free to post any questions you have in the SO forum and we will try our best to answer them.

[HappyMoni]

Home4U,
   I know this has got you in shock. I would suggest not panicking and take a little time before you make a lot of big decisions. I would ask you to consider not thinking you were deceived by your husband. As a natal born woman it is hard, I imagine, to understand the immense pressure your spouse was under to keep this secret. He probably would have loved to tell you. I am male to female. When you keep this secret, you keep it because you are convinced you will lose everyone you love. It is a horrible thing to have and not be able to tell anyone. The guilt, and shame of thinking you are not normal, make you deny it. You hope it goes away. I kept this secret from nearly everyone for over fifty years. It only got stronger. He is not doing it to be "hot." If he is like me, he is doing it because there is nothing else he can do. He has to, to retain his sanity. I have transitioned at great risk to everything in my old life. There is nothing convenient or logical about it, it just is the way we were formed.
   I won't bore you with too much of my story, but I stayed with my wife. I had told only her a long time ago. She says that the female part of me, Monica, is the person she fell in love with. She is so glad to be rid of the angry frustrated, emotionally withdrawn person I was when I was torn up with denial. We sleep together and are intimate. Yes it is possible. Only you  will know if it will work for you. The one thing to remember is that you need time to make adjustments. You deserve respect in this and you deserve to be listened to. Even if you don't decide to stay as you are, I hope you will still support each other. He  did not do this to hurt you.
   If I can ever answer any questions, I would be glad to try to help. Take care of yourself, Hon!
Monica

[home4u]

I just don't know what to think of this, all at a time of the year when we are supposed to be celebrating with joy.

I was at our families today and my brother says to my husband with out knowing, "you might as well turn in your man card" it was some off comment about something in the news. I can tell it hit home with him because in a way, he never had a man card and of course he chuckled and laughed about it but I could almost read what he was thinking. And it made me mad because I look at him and I see someone who is in hiding and not being real with those that love him.

I'm having some drinks tonight, I need to think about this, and maybe I'll call him out on some of this too. I love him, and I need this to get figured out and I need him to be real with me! is this about him being gay? is this about a mid life crisis? is this because he is just unhappy with me?

[staciM]

Please don't think she's doing this to hurt you or because she's unhappy with your relationship.  It took some massive courage and likely years of pain to come out to you. 

You keep touching on being gay.....if you mean a lesbian, then yes, it sound like she is gay.  However, if you believe this is some excuse so that she can begin being with men, that's probably not the case.  The gender you are and your sexuality are not tied to one another.  Being a woman, doesn't mean she wants to date men. 

It sounds like she loves you very much and hopes that you will try to be understanding and supportive.....breath a bit, be sensitive to the years of pain and try to listen.  You might find that the woman inside is what you fell in love with.

[HappyMoni]

I need him to be real with me! is this about him being gay? is this about a mid life crisis? is this because he is just unhappy with me?

   If I had to guess it has been with him a long time. I started with these feelings at four years old. It is an incredibly strong feeling of needing to be the other gender. Being transgender isn't about being gay, indulging any type of whim, or about being unhappy with a partner. It is about how that person sees himself/herself. You are right you need to be honest with each other.
Monica

[Dena]

It isn't about you. We struggle with this and try very hard to fit into society. For a while we often do but we pay a price for it. Over time the price becomes to great and the only escape is to become ourself. I was one of the few who understood the damage this would cause and in my mid teens, I decide no relationships until this was resolved. That took until I was 30 so I missed out on a good deal of what life has to offer. Most of us attempt some type of normal life but we are constantly fighting with our feelings so we may not be putting 100% into the relationship.

The second part is gender identity and sexual preference are entirely different. You can think of it as sexual preference is who you want to go to bed with and gender identity is who you want to go to bed as. Your spouse has not been truthful about gender identity but has been truthful about sexual preference.

[stephaniec]

I hope the best for you. I'd like to help but I've never been married so I won't attempt it.

[JoanneB]

1 – How hard is it really to stay with someone that is transgender? I don't think I'm a lesbian but I do find women to be beautiful I could maybe see us staying together but will our love stay? I'm concerned we will just be good friends if we stay together. I don't want that. I want love.

My wife who knew from Day 1, some 40 years ago I had "gender issues", still cannot answer this question after I dropped the T-Bomb on her 7 years ago. This, as you know, has totally redefined the relationship, especially shared visions of a shared future.

Bottom line, One day at a time. People grow apart. They can grow together. They can do both.

2 – What If I no longer want sex with this person, am I destined to be with out sex rest of my life?

Especially if their breasts are nicer then yours? Tee shirt maybe?

Or, an option/condition my wife insisted on before actually getting married, basically an open marriage. Sex is sex. Love is different.

3 – Do people love and stay together but move to separate rooms?

YMMV. Studies show various outcomes.

4 – What if he starts liking guys...

My wife's greatest fear. Neither of us can know what will be the outcome of me actually learning what it is to be ME. Seven years into that process I have some idea. Still "The US" is more important then the me.

5- He wants the surgery to remove his testes, says he despises these *things*... won't that destroy sex?

Sex is "Between the ears"... mostly. YMMV. I suspect it is a safe bet to say if he hates the dangly bits and despises having them, he wasn't big on sex either?

6- Him being an older male, I don't get why he wants to do this now.. I'm confused. He won't be hot, he is older best I think he could hope for, with LOTS of surgeries and implants would be to pass, even then..everyone will know.

If I had a dollar for every time my wife said "No sane person WANTS to be a 50 y/o woman" followed be her top 10 list of reasons why.....

I'm 6ft tall, big everything, balding since 14, deeper then average male voice, and had 2 failed transition experiments back in my early 20's late teens. Now 60, still about the same physically except almost bald, I have no surgeries on my radar. I have achieved my dream of being seen as and treated as a woman. BTW - I still live and present primarily as male

7 – what are some good articles or resources? I found ->-bleeped-<-, huffingtonpost, any others out there, any with stories I might read?

I often like to remind others with GD that we likely spent an entire lifetime trying to get some sort of a handle on these feelings. An SO has had mere milli-Seconds in comparison to try to take in "The Talk".

TBH - the most important resource(s) you have is your mouth and your ears. The second most important thing that kept my wife and I together through all this has been the oft times difficult open and honest discussions. (THE most important is the love we have for each other. But as she will often say "What does love have to do with it?"). Keep in mind you and he both will have raw, unfiltered... "blurts". Try not to let the emotions expressed drive the message. These are emotion filled discussions for sure.

He may, or may not, have a clear vision of himself or a future. It may change day by day, hour by hour even. "I don't know" is a valid response. You need to be judge of the truthfulness.

Perhaps even a joint session with his therapist as a moderator?

There are plenty of books, videos, other voices out there, including myself. There is only one voice that matters in your world. Your spouses.

[SadieBlake]

It's not about a problem with you, if she says she's lesbian identified then start by believing that.

[home4u]

here is what gets me, i knew this guy, am married to him for years, didnt see this really.

im looking back and i dont see it. except him being kinky in the bedroom with toys, and his bi experiences as a younger boy. maybe were signs...

now he comes out and says. hey i want to be a womn, i want to wear makeup and have a sex change and im a lesbian.

where did this come from? how did he hide it from me so well for years and years. he was a guy.. a guys guy when i married him. where did that person go.

im baffled. i feel like he had a stroke And now there is this other person im talking to.

[HappyMoni]

Dear Home 4U,

   This must be very disorienting for you. Your spouse has most likely hidden this for a long time. He did not ask for this. No one asks to have  to deal with this. It is unfair to him. Now it is unfair and deeply distressing for you. I really hope you will eventually be able to see this as something that you both try to coop with together (as spouses or as friends). The core of the person you have always known is still there. I am not surprised that you didn't know. I came out to over 200 people. No one saw it coming. When you have transgender type feelings, you are terrified someone will know your secret. I walked as masculine as I could for fear that someone would discover my secret. There is a famous navy seal who is male to female. The person we present ourselves to be is many times a denial of our transgender nature, sometimes it is just plain self preservation in the world we live in. We are regular, caring human beings who want to hate or hurt no one. Your spouse is probably feeling scared and horrified to have anyone hurt by this. I  hope you will take a little time to breathe. I hope you will talk with each other. Honesty going forward is so important. Please remember this is about you as  well as your spouse. Your feelings are so in need of being heard and respected. Please  feel free to ask questions or express  your feelings here.
Monica

[Dena]

Unfortunately we have years to prefect the act that we put on for others. In my case, I knew at 13 but didn't come out till I was 23. Others suppress what they feel until they are no longer able to contain it. For the most part your SO will not change but will instead express things that were suppressed for years. I still have many of the same interest and desires that I had as a male but there are now things I allow myself to do that I didn't before. I still program computers, I still know electronics, I still know how to fix my car and I still care for others however I care for others more than before now I am no longer fighting with myself.

Medically, we become transgender before birth. Some of us start expressing as early as age 3 or 4. Others like me are hit with it in our teens. Many on the site suppress it and figure it out latter in life, sometimes in their 60s or 70s. There may have been signs but it's not your fault for missing them. You were told nothing and you are not trained to spot the very few clues you might have had.

As you get to know your SO better you may grow closer and the few remaining secret will be ended. Your SO will become happier and will want to share that with you. I know it will take some adjustment but I think it will be worth it for you to give it a try.

[zamber74]

here is what gets me, i knew this guy, am married to him for years, didnt see this really.



im looking back and i dont see it. except him being kinky in the bedroom with toys, and his bi experiences as a younger boy. maybe were signs...

now he comes out and says. hey i want to be a womn, i want to wear makeup and have a sex change and im a lesbian.

where did this come from? how did he hide it from me so well for years and years. he was a guy.. a guys guy when i married him. where did that person go.

Your husband probably did not want to notice it, may have repressed it all of their life, may not have even known most people do not even consider these things, I for one thought everyone had these feelings, come to find out no one really does.  Society seems to have deemed us as monsters, we are constantly villainized, who would want to admit to themselves that this is how they are.  It takes some of us years, to finally accept it ourselves.

im baffled. i feel like he had a stroke And now there is this other person im talking to.

This person, is the one who has always existed behind closed doors, they have accepted themselves for who they are, the veil has been torn, and what you see now is the full person. 

I'm sorry this has happened to you, and I'm sorry it happened to your husband as well.  I just came out to my wife about a month ago, and I felt incredibly guilty doing so, I thought I could forever just fight these feelings, I thought it was something I could beat, but it wore away at me little by little.  I wish I could say something that would make it easier for you, it is not your fault at all, so don't blame yourself.  It is not really your husband's fault either, as this society has more or less told us to repress such feelings all of our lives, we went with such advice, and it did not work. 

[Raell]

I didn't find out I'm a partial transmale until 2013, when I was 61 years old. In my case, I took care of the panic attacks, depression, and dysphoria by taking a Thai herb used here in Thailand for back pain. It not only stopped dysphoria, but blended my male and female personalities, so the conflict is gone.

I went through my entire life, married, with children, doing my duty as a female as much as I could, but not really interested in all the domestic aspects. I played with my kids, taught them to ride horses, skip stones, climb trees, track wild animals in the woods, play musical instruments, speak other languages..I was more like a jolly uncle to them than a typical "mother." I moved to Thailand in 2010 to teach ESL, but partly because of dysphoria issues. I never felt like I "fit in."

Meanwhile, my 6'1" former Navy pilot, former airline pilot ex-husband, who could climb a rope hand-over-hand to the top of our maple tree and back down without touching the rope with his feet, was fussy, ironed his clothes, is the one to persuade me to attend family gatherings (I thought they were annoying and boring), would do my housework if I so much as paused to turn my back to put something away, gave me two-hour footrubs each night, and read to me, wrote me beautiful cards recently came out to me as non-binary female and said he is going to start taking hormones and live as a female.

People do what they must to survive, and many times people don't realize the problem themselves. Neither my ex husband nor I knew we were at least partially transgender, or that dysphoria was behind our feelings of depression, frustration, and despair at life.

If someone actually takes the step to transition, it's usually because there's no other choice. In my case, I'm only partially transmale, and I live in Thailand where my condition is seen as normal, so I simply dress androgynously like most of the rest of the people here, and go on with my life.

I blame the patriarchal evangelical Christian gender binary as the root of the problem..condemning anyone who doesn't fit in a certain "gender box."

Here in Thailand, Buddhist Thai accept a Third Gender, so people with mixed genders are left in peace to live their lives, expressing their gender identities as they wish.

[Sharon Anne McC]

*

Rather than repeat what others have said and add those comments to the growing stack of supportive information to you, allow me to present another history.

Until 'marriage equality', married partners were obligated to separate and divorce in most states.  In other words, no matter how secure the marriage - trans and all - the laws imposed the partners take adversarial positions.

Nowadays, you and your spouse can stay together and remain married and retain your healthy life together.

She is becoming a better person now that she is revealing her true identity to you.  No more does she present that facade causing her pain, including the pain of fear hurting you and all your family - immediate and extended.  She waited all these years to build this bond of trust.  She needs you to stay with her on your journey of this next chapter of life that you both will share.

She worked on her circumstance her entire life; you are now beginning to face her dilemma for the first time.  You are both in transition.

As for age, one member of my local support group had her GCS / SRS last year at age 70.  Ya know what, the process rejuvenated her - she has the look and vigor of a 40-years old.

Please, work through this.  Every question that you posed contains an answer that your open minds will accept.

Yep, as Dena wrote, make your next stop to the SO (significant other) section.

PS:  You were concerned.  While everyone is different (YMMV) - even among cis-females - post-op M-F trans have as satisfying a life with their female spouse, maybe more so, because they no longer have those dreaded dysmorphic anatomical parts to get in the way (mentally and physically).

*