Afraid

[DownwardSpiral]

Hello all,

A bit of background about me here. https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,217613.0.html

I really don't know how to go on any more. I don't feel as though I'm living, just existing. I've tried counselling, if anything it just made me feel worse about myself and added to my self doubt.

My wife is openly hostile towards me having any form of social contact with anyone, she refuses point blank to discuss my "issue" (as she refers to it), so I have to resort to furtively posting on the internet to try and reach out to people. And it seems that the people I reach out to rapidly lose patience with me.

I've had problems with self esteem since I was a kid, my parents filled me with a sense of worthlessness, and 2 marriages have kept that nicely topped up, so it doesn't take much to feed that. Also, comments made by people on various forums, and by my erstwhile therapist, have made me doubt everything I ever thought about myself.

I did have an account on here before, I deleted it in a fit of depression when everything just looked hopeless (episodes of which are becoming more and more common), it's clear to me now that I need other people more than they need me.

I'm lonely, I'm afraid and I can't see a way out.

[Cindy]

Hi Hon,

Well your wife nor anyone else should prevent you from seeking medical help, and that is all a therapist is.

[Cindy]

Hi Hon, Again

I just had a look at your post and I understand a little better.

I think you need to develop an outside interest and no matter the opinion of your wife, do it.

What interests you? Is there something you could do together? Amateur theatre ( a good chance to role play!) or anything that give you private time.

[DownwardSpiral]

Hi Hon,

Well your wife nor anyone else should prevent you from seeking medical help, and that is all a therapist is.

She didn't prevent me, but she didn't make it easy for me... it was like an interrogation every time I got home from a session, and if I was vague about the details the accusations started. "You've been talking about me then?" No. "So what's so secret you won't tell me?"

[DownwardSpiral]

Hi Hon, Again

I just had a look at your post and I understand a little better.

I think you need to develop an outside interest and no matter the opinion of your wife, do it.

What interests you? Is there something you could do together? Amateur theatre ( a good chance to role play!) or anything that give you private time.

I've tried. Problem is, I was involved in a road accident back in March and am still recovering from the injuries, I have trouble standing, or sitting, for any length of time. I did buy an old car to restore but after about 20 minutes or so of work the pain starts. Hoping that another session of physiotherapy starting next week will help.

There's really not a deal we could do together, her interests range very little beyond her art and craft, and Facebook. And she's not a "people person". I've always been practical, repairing stuff, making stuff, and until I met my current wife, I was always pretty sociable... she rapidly knocked that out of me.

[Cindy]

I hate to say this but the answer is becoming very obvious.

[josie76]

You sound like you need a GOOD therapist. You should be able to discuss your feelings with your therapist without your wife needing to tell her what you talked about. This is a serious sounding issue in your marriage. I'm sorry your in such a position.

My suggestion since you are having suicidal ideology is to find a therapist to work with and for now put your survival first and foremost. Hopefully your wife will understand your needs. If not that could be a situation you may have to deal with another time. Right now put staying alive first in your mind. Nothing is worth taking your own life. Remember you have your daughter to live for.

[DownwardSpiral]

You sound like you need a GOOD therapist. You should be able to discuss your feelings with your therapist without your wife needing to tell her what you talked about. This is a serious sounding issue in your marriage. I'm sorry your in such a position.

My suggestion since you are having suicidal ideology is to find a therapist to work with and for now put your survival first and foremost. Hopefully your wife will understand your needs. If not that could be a situation you may have to deal with another time. Right now put staying alive first in your mind. Nothing is worth taking your own life. Remember you have your daughter to live for.

My wife has made it abundantly clear from quite early on in our relationship that I'm not to be trusted. Thing is, I find it difficult to argue - I have been secretive, furtive... she's accused me many times of having another woman, and when I finally admitted that my other woman was in fact me, well...

If it wasn't for my daughter I probably would have left long ago, equally all my friends deserted me long ago when she objected vehemently to me seeing or even keeping in touch with them, so I don't have a support network any more.

Some days I do feel like driving head on into a bridge parapet. But my experiences with therapists, and my wife's mistrust, have dissuaded me from seeking another.

[Asche]

She didn't prevent me, but she didn't make it easy for me... it was like an interrogation every time I got home from a session, and if I was vague about the details the accusations started. "You've been talking about me then?" No. "So what's so secret you won't tell me?"

My (ex-)wife was a little like that.  She kept saying "your therapist will turn you into someone who won't love me."  Well, that ended up being sort of true.  I finally realized that I couldn't live with her as she was and she had no interest in changing.  I still care about her, but I can't be at all vulnerable with her and I have to keep her emotionally at arm's length.

[Cindy]

OK I will be blunt.

You are in an abusive relationship and you need help.

You need to get out of this situation ASAP.

Start divorce proceedings if need be but protect your assets and your right to see and keep your child.

Your wife sounds very manipulative and you should seek legal council ASAP.

There is nothing wrong with you but the relationship you describe is toxic.

[DownwardSpiral]

OK I will be blunt.

You are in an abusive relationship and you need help.

You need to get out of this situation ASAP.

Start divorce proceedings if need be but protect your assets and your right to see and keep your child.

Your wife sounds very manipulative and you should seek legal council ASAP.

There is nothing wrong with you but the relationship you describe is toxic.

I've tried.

Once I even go so far as speaking to a solicitor to see if I had grounds for divorce.

I came off the phone feeling like I was the unreasonable one, after all she thought she was marrying a man and not, well, someone with issues... why did I not tell her about these issues when we got together... every time I speak to someone I feel like I've had a kicking.

I wish I could believe that there's nothing wrong with me, but 51 years of experience tell me otherwise.

[DownwardSpiral]

My (ex-)wife was a little like that.  She kept saying "your therapist will turn you into someone who won't love me."  Well, that ended up being sort of true.  I finally realized that I couldn't live with her as she was and she had no interest in changing.  I still care about her, but I can't be at all vulnerable with her and I have to keep her emotionally at arm's length.

I find it incredibly difficult to discuss problems with my wife - firstly she's incredibly judgmental, narrow minded, secondly every problem I have, she has one far, far worse...

[josie76]

Thank you Cindy for being blunt. I didn't want to say that outright but in ad the same thoughts.

Downwardspiral,

You are caught in an abusive relationship. It doesn't matter if your wife thought she was marrying a normal man. You can feel bad about her disappointment but you have to get yourself help, NOW. It doesn't matter if you don't want to find another therapist. Please take our help and just understand you NEED to find a good therapist. This is for your mental health and well being. If you are not well how can you be good for your daughter? Please get help.

Look up signs of abusive relationships. Common themes are there.
You have been isolated from your old friends and any outside support.
She controls your every movement with guilt and passive aggressive behavior.
You having had a rough childhood were easy prey for an abuser to control.
You being empathetic to her feelings is great but an abuser will exploit that empathy.

Please please get help

[Cindy]

Everything you are describing is the story of how your self esteem has been not eroded but destroyed.

Let's take a moment for a HUG. Mmmm

You have done nothing wrong. If there was a lie about gender or sexuality as yours developed it has been repaid in full. There now seems to be some aspect of payback involved. I don't like that.

I don't like TG people marrying because they think to will cure them, but it happens. If it does they pay the consequences (I still recall the post "my wife gave birth last week to our first baby should I tell her I'm transgender and leave?')

No you don't leave people in the lurch.

But you don't punish people either. You seem to be the whipping girl for your spouses and it is time to stop that.

Find a lawyer that does their job, not because of their opinion, but because it is their job.

[Denise]

I Agree with Cindy 100%

Let's take a moment for a HUG. Mmmm
...
Find a lawyer that does their job, not because of their opinion, but because it is their job.

I've read on this site a number of times two things that I tend to live by:

• Do NOT take permanent action for a temporary issue.  PLEASE.
• Only YOU can give permission for others to make you feel bad.

Find a good lawyer that will look out for your rights.  I also agree about finding a good therapist and if your wife asks just walk away from her.

[AnxietyDisord3r]

My wife has made it abundantly clear from quite early on in our relationship that I'm not to be trusted. Thing is, I find it difficult to argue - I have been secretive, furtive... she's accused me many times of having another woman, and when I finally admitted that my other woman was in fact me, well...

If it wasn't for my daughter I probably would have left long ago, equally all my friends deserted me long ago when she objected vehemently to me seeing or even keeping in touch with them, so I don't have a support network any more.

Some days I do feel like driving head on into a bridge parapet. But my experiences with therapists, and my wife's mistrust, have dissuaded me from seeking another.

Yeah. So. If you are interrogated about private stuff like your wife does (with the underlying assumption that anything you think is wrong), of COURSE you became secretive! That's not you, that's trying to survive in the face of your wife's bullying and insecurities!

Your wife destroying your support network was a ->-bleeped-<-ty thing to do and reeks of abuse. Again, she is probably a deeply insecure person. But it's no wonder you're having suicidal ideation now. I think your daughter needs you to live, so living for her may mean distancing yourself from your wife, you following me? Even if only in your mind.

You need a psychologist and a psychiatrist. And you need to have a suicide crisis hotline on speed dial. When your wife questions you, calmly tell her "I am doing this for my safety. When you block and obstruct me, you are showing the world what you care for my safety." People like her are terrified of what others think.

Now I'm going to warn you: I was in a similar position (controlling wife, suicidal thoughts, weakened support network) although not as extreme as yours. I ended the relationship and there was relatively little drama. However, I am struggling with extreme anxiety now. I have been leaning on my friends, family, and therapist for help. It is a very difficult time.

You need a plan. First, a plan to improve your life while still married. This means taking care of the suicidal thoughts and also developing some interests outside the marriage and making some friends. You could also try marriage counseling as maybe there is something worth saving if your wife is willing to stop being your prison warden.

Secondly, you need to think about life after this marriage. You need to work on your self esteem and then on assertiveness. A therapist can help you with this. Awareness meditation and CBT help, also DBT. It's very typical for trans people to have low self esteem because we are often bullied in childhood, rejected by parents, and we are gaslit by everybody about something very, very basic to us. On that note, hormones did wonders for me.

Please call a suicide hotline if you are thinking about wrecking your car.

[AnxietyDisord3r]

I find it incredibly difficult to discuss problems with my wife - firstly she's incredibly judgmental, narrow minded, secondly every problem I have, she has one far, far worse...

That's not a marriage. Sounds like living with Mommy Dearest.

[AnxietyDisord3r]

I've tried.

Once I even go so far as speaking to a solicitor to see if I had grounds for divorce.

I came off the phone feeling like I was the unreasonable one, after all she thought she was marrying a man and not, well, someone with issues... why did I not tell her about these issues when we got together... every time I speak to someone I feel like I've had a kicking.

I wish I could believe that there's nothing wrong with me, but 51 years of experience tell me otherwise.

Why tell the lawyer you're TG upfront? They don't want to hear your personal problems, that's what your shrink is for. Your wife has done plenty of stuff to "alienate" your affection without TG ever entering into it. The only way you should bring it up is if your wife knows about it, tell the lawyer you crossdress and your wife may make an issue of it in the divorce. She's the one being abusive, why should YOU be apologizing? Don't call a lawyer and lead with how you're a horrible, unworthy person who deserves to be abused, okay? Tell the lawyer your wife has made your day to day life utterly intolerable and you want out.

[Dena]

I have a couple of paying bosses and one I have worked for starting in 1986. Over the years we have become very trusting of each other so so sometimes I am told things that others might not hear. He was married to a woman long enough to raise a boy to adult hood but in that time she never trusted him. She went so far to count the money in his wallet each morning and if she felt he spent to much money, she would question him about every cent. Near the end of the relationship, she went on a business trip with the accountant and after she returned, she had a talk with my boss. It seems that she had fallen in love with the accountant and wanted a divorce. After is was all over, my boss told me that he owed the accountant a really big favor because he hadn't realize just how restricting the relationship had been. In addition, he was carrying $100 bills in his wallet just because he could.

In this relationship, the rules that apply to you don't apply to her and unless she is willing to change to some degree, you relationship will result in a divorce sooner or latter. For your heath and well being, at least you need to get in therapy and the alternative is couples consoling. Your wife has a very strong personality which you lack and she is using it to control you. The only way you will ever find happiness is to become equals or escape this relationship and therapy is the only way you will be able to assert your rights.

[DownwardSpiral]

Yeah. So. If you are interrogated about private stuff like your wife does (with the underlying assumption that anything you think is wrong), of COURSE you became secretive! That's not you, that's trying to survive in the face of your wife's bullying and insecurities!

I've always felt ashamed of my feelings. My mother caught me at an early age wearing one of my sister's dresses and knocked hell out of me. My father was quick to brand me as a "poof" for any and every perceived lack of masculinity. The feelings have come and gone over the years to a greater or lesser extent. I've never felt especially sexually attracted to men, except when the "pink fog" comes down, equally I've always been faintly afraid of women, probably due to being browbeaten by my grandmother, mother and sister throughout my childhood.

Your wife destroying your support network was a ->-bleeped-<-ty thing to do and reeks of abuse. Again, she is probably a deeply insecure person. But it's no wonder you're having suicidal ideation now. I think your daughter needs you to live, so living for her may mean distancing yourself from your wife, you following me? Even if only in your mind.

You need a psychologist and a psychiatrist. And you need to have a suicide crisis hotline on speed dial. When your wife questions you, calmly tell her "I am doing this for my safety. When you block and obstruct me, you are showing the world what you care for my safety." People like her are terrified of what others think.

That's true enough, she is forever posting on Facebook, and obsesses over the number of "likes" her every post gets. But it's all her, as far as the world is concerned I'm just this mysterious figure called "hubby" who puts up shelves and looks after her shop occasionally.

Now I'm going to warn you: I was in a similar position (controlling wife, suicidal thoughts, weakened support network) although not as extreme as yours. I ended the relationship and there was relatively little drama. However, I am struggling with extreme anxiety now. I have been leaning on my friends, family, and therapist for help. It is a very difficult time.

You need a plan. First, a plan to improve your life while still married. This means taking care of the suicidal thoughts and also developing some interests outside the marriage and making some friends. You could also try marriage counseling as maybe there is something worth saving if your wife is willing to stop being your prison warden.

i have suggested that on several occasions. Her response; "I don't need to go, *I* don't have a problem". I know I'm screwed up, equally on more than one occasion I've been accused of passive aggressive behaviour, attention seeking etc. I doubt anyone would miss me, after all I'm worth more dead than alive.

Secondly, you need to think about life after this marriage. You need to work on your self esteem and then on assertiveness. A therapist can help you with this. Awareness meditation and CBT help, also DBT. It's very typical for trans people to have low self esteem because we are often bullied in childhood, rejected by parents, and we are gaslit by everybody about something very, very basic to us. On that note, hormones did wonders for me.

Please call a suicide hotline if you are thinking about wrecking your car.

I've tried. Unfortunately the therapist I saw merely made me feel worse about myself. She pooh-poohed CBT, and effectively said I enjoyed being miserable, being a servant, liked having people dependent on me... that seems to be a common opinion amongst many people. I just don't know what to do any more.