Afraid

[DownwardSpiral]

I do care and believe that if nothing changes, nothing changes. If therapy and self help books haven't worked don't take the path of pills and vodka! That will leave your children in a bad place without a parent and your wife telling everyone I told you so! Make a change that will change things for you. Whatever it takes, cause where you are physically and mentally it's not getting any better. A holiday on your own, move somewhere else.....whatever is going to get you into a different state of mind. You need to help yourself to change your negativity!

Good luck......Riki

My stepson wouldn't miss me at all, he makes it plain he hates my guts. I'm beginning to wonder whether my daughter would miss me either. My wife would be set up, with the mortgage paid off, a good lump sum from my pension fund and a regular monthly income. So I truly am worth more dead.

I'm sick of sleepless nights, sick of a brain which won't switch off, sick of feeling tired and drained. I just want the pain to go away.

[Thessa]

Do you think your wife deserve all this things you mentioned? I guess no. So maybe that's the first step to make sure she is not getting anything from you.



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[FTMDiaries]

I'm really glad you came back. I've been thinking about you and wondering how you got on, and when you went silent for a while I feared the worst. I'm so glad you've decided to reach out again.

Do you realise what this means? The fact that you keep reaching out, asking for help? It means that you want to live. It means that you still have something to live for. Whether that's the hope of a better future, or your desire to be loved & accepted, or your daughter... something means so much to you that in the face of all the pain and torment you face, you still keep trying to find ways to keep going.

I recognise that, and I admire your courage.

Feeling appreciated. Feeling free to be myself. All my life I've had the most vivid dreams, mundane even, of just doing normal things but being female... being accepted. These have faded over the past couple of years to the extent that they never occur any more, or at least I don't remember them. But as a start, I'd like to be able to explore my gender role more.

Absolutely. All of those are achievable goals and you're perfectly entitled to them. Let me tell you: actually doing simple, mundane, everyday things like putting petrol in your car whilst presenting as the correct gender and having the cashier address you correctly can be unimaginably euphoric. You deserve that and so much more, and you can achieve it. All you have to do is start moving in the right direction, and you do that one tiny baby-step at a time.

Before this however I need to get back on the weight loss programme...

I felt the same way. I put on a lot of weight during & after having my kids, and I've never been able to shift it permanently. It sucks, and it makes me feel down... but I decided to transition anyway. I decided that my weight was just another excuse to not get started and that I can always lose weight whilst transitioning - and that's exactly what I've been doing. Transitioning takes years to complete; you might as well get started ASAP. Why weight? (pun intended)

I'd just like to know how[/i] to.

You already know how to.

You know what needs to be done, but you've been beaten down so many times over the years by so many people that you've lost faith in your own ability to do it. You're probably terrified of the enormity of it all & don't know where or how to get started. So the best way to deal with it is to divide the task into tiny, manageable chunks which you can tackle individually over a longer period.

You know you need to ditch the b****. You know you need a solicitor to help protect your financial & parental rights. You know you need to be away from your wife when you start your transition. You know you need to get on a waiting list for a GIC so you can start the long, long road towards happiness.

So get a solicitor. See your doctor and ask to be referred. Put money aside (if needs be) and find yourself a flat to move to - preferably one with enough room for your daughter, because you are going to insist on joint custody or visitation rights, aren't you? Join a gym or go for a walk at lunchtime to start losing some weight. Stop answering your wife's incessant questions about what you're doing; who cares what she says in response? You don't have to tell her anything you don't want to. And start planning for the future you deserve.

Remember the words of another admirable lady, Eleanor Roosevelt: "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent". Your depression and lack of self-esteem have convinced you - and keep convincing you - that it isn't worth standing up for yourself. That everyone else is probably right about you. But are they really? Or are you just surrounded by the wrong people? What if they're wrong about you and you're right? What if you really are worth it?

If you're surrounded by poisonous people, the first thing you need to do is to eject them from your life. We've discussed before how your wife is emotionally and financially abusive towards you. She can only use & abuse you if you give your consent to do so. So withdraw your consent.

Easier said than done? You won't know until you try. Oh, I guarantee she'll try to fight back at first; bullies always do. She'll ramp up the pressure at first in an attempt to make you back down. You know this because you've been up against it before. But if you stick to your guns, she will eventually have no choice but to give up - especially if you have the law on your side.

This is why it's vital you get yourself a good solicitor. I know you've tried before and received bad advice, but there are solicitors out there who are LGBT-friendly and are actively working to attract more business from our community. I'm in the process of getting divorced myself but fortunately I noticed a stall for a local solicitor's firm at last year's Pride. I spoke to one of their senior solicitors there and told her my tale of woe: she gave me some advice & said they've trained their solicitors to be LGBT-aware and would be happy to represent me if it went to court.

So when my ex announced he'd be leaving, I got in touch and have hired them to represent me through our divorce, because I'll be damned if I'm going to let that sponger get the upper hand here. You could do the same: there's an LGBT-friendly solicitor's firm in your area that has been involved with your local Pride for the past 3 years. They advertise themselves as LGBT-friendly, and they deal with divorce and child custody arrangements. I'm not sure whether you want your location revealed again, but if you type 'lgbt lawyer' and the name of the largest city in your county into Google, they'll come up in the first few results, along with another 3 firms advertising the same sort of services. That's the kind of solicitor you need to speak to.

My stepson wouldn't miss me at all, he makes it plain he hates my guts. I'm beginning to wonder whether my daughter would miss me either. My wife would be set up, with the mortgage paid off, a good lump sum from my pension fund and a regular monthly income. So I truly am worth more dead.

This isn't about them: this is about you. Who cares about money? Who cares about the bloody mortgage? Would you really want the woman who's tormented you for all these years to be sitting in the lap of luxury with her house all paid for & probably no need to work, badmouthing you to her new man whilst scrounging off everything you've worked so hard for? That would be like handing her an easy victory. She's done nothing to deserve that victory. No, she deserves a snotty letter from a solicitor and no more than 50% of the marital assets... with the other 50% going towards helping you start afresh. That'd be a much better outcome.

You're worth everything to your daughter alive, and you're worth nothing to anyone dead... especially yourself. Trust me as someone who's lost a parent: she'd far rather have you alive & happy even if you're in different packaging, than experience that annual period of grief every year when your birthday comes around again with you not being there to enjoy it with her. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy; please don't wish it on her. As for your step-son: that's pretty normal really; many step-kids hate their step-parents. Doesn't mean there's anything inherently wrong with you.

You know, I have this theory about people who accuse other people of being attention-seeking: the only people who do that are the ones who like to have all the attention on themselves all the time... and as soon as they see someone else get a bit of their precious attention they feel jealous & threatened, so they accuse them of being attention-seeking in an attempt to undermine them & move the attention back to themselves. Sound familiar?

Please stick around... both here at Susan's, and in general. The world is a much better place with you in it.

[DownwardSpiral]

I'm really glad you came back. I've been thinking about you and wondering how you got on, and when you went silent for a while I feared the worst. I'm so glad you've decided to reach out again.

Do you realise what this means? The fact that you keep reaching out, asking for help? It means that you want to live. It means that you still have something to live for. Whether that's the hope of a better future, or your desire to be loved & accepted, or your daughter... something means so much to you that in the face of all the pain and torment you face, you still keep trying to find ways to keep going.

I've been on the point of giving up completely so many times. Some days life just doesn't seem to be worth living. Some days I don't even know myself how I keep going. Some days I feel as though the only thing keeping me going is the fact that I'm too cowardly to take the alternative.

I recognise that, and I admire your courage.

Many would refer to it as "stupidity".

Remember the words of another admirable lady, Eleanor Roosevelt: "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent". Your depression and lack of self-esteem have convinced you - and keep convincing you - that it isn't worth standing up for yourself. That everyone else is probably right about you. But are they really? Or are you just surrounded by the wrong people? What if they're wrong about you and you're right? What if you really are worth it?

I'm not surrounded by anyone. I don't have a life outside work. I come home, do the housework, watch TV, go to bed. Tonight I've been for physiotherapy, I have a horrible feeling she thinks I'm Up To Something again. I got home, having been out of the house for just over an hour, got the silent treatment, then got half an hour of how ill she is before she went to bed. She's got a cold...

Easier said than done? You won't know until you try. Oh, I guarantee she'll try to fight back at first; bullies always do. She'll ramp up the pressure at first in an attempt to make you back down. You know this because you've been up against it before. But if you stick to your guns, she will eventually have no choice but to give up - especially if you have the law on your side.

The frustrating thing is, the words are frequently there but they just won't come out. Many times I know exactly what to say, but the safety catch in my mind engages and it won't let me say anything. The self loathing then intensifies.

You could do the same: there's an LGBT-friendly solicitor's firm in your area that has been involved with your local Pride for the past 3 years. They advertise themselves as LGBT-friendly, and they deal with divorce and child custody arrangements. I'm not sure whether you want your location revealed again, but if you type 'lgbt lawyer' and the name of the largest city in your county into Google, they'll come up in the first few results, along with another 3 firms advertising the same sort of services. That's the kind of solicitor you need to speak to.

Found, thanks.

This isn't about them: this is about you. Who cares about money? Who cares about the bloody mortgage? Would you really want the woman who's tormented you for all these years to be sitting in the lap of luxury with her house all paid for & probably no need to work, badmouthing you to her new man whilst scrounging off everything you've worked so hard for? That would be like handing her an easy victory. She's done nothing to deserve that victory. No, she deserves a snotty letter from a solicitor and no more than 50% of the marital assets... with the other 50% going towards helping you start afresh. That'd be a much better outcome.

You're worth everything to your daughter alive, and you're worth nothing to anyone dead... especially yourself. Trust me as someone who's lost a parent: she'd far rather have you alive & happy even if you're in different packaging, than experience that annual period of grief every year when your birthday comes around again with you not being there to enjoy it with her. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy; please don't wish it on her. As for your step-son: that's pretty normal really; many step-kids hate their step-parents. Doesn't mean there's anything inherently wrong with you.

About 2 years ago, he was on his video game (his default setting...) and he said, deliberately, "I wish I lived with my real dad". That hurt like hell. I told my wife who went ape. At me. Her exact words were "thank you for making him say that", she went on to accuse me of ruining his childhood and all manner of similar things. Largely because I believe he should be doing more than spending his every waking moment playing video games - I exaggerate not - he gets home from school at 4pm, goes straight on his computer or playstation, and comes off it and gos to bed at 10.30. At weekends it's not unusual for him to be on it for 10-12 hours at a stretch. But should I ever say anything, well, "you just can't resist having a go can you?"

You know, I have this theory about people who accuse other people of being attention-seeking: the only people who do that are the ones who like to have all the attention on themselves all the time... and as soon as they see someone else get a bit of their precious attention they feel jealous & threatened, so they accuse them of being attention-seeking in an attempt to undermine them & move the attention back to themselves. Sound familiar?

Please stick around... both here at Susan's, and in general. The world is a much better place with you in it.

Certainly rings true in the case of my wife... she's constantly fishing for compliments, and obsesses over the number of "likes" she gets on Facebook... one of the reasons the male me doesn't have a FB account is that she would constantly be on at me wanting to know the minutiae of every posting... then "you don't tell me anything"... "you're a dark horse"... "you're secretive"...

I did briefly consider treating myself to a makeover for my birthday in March. Just to let the inner me out again. But it just doesn't seem worth the hassle, I know that when the makeup and clothes came off I'd just be depressed again.

Just feel a bit out of place to be honest... I'll hang round for a little longer... but I still feel inadequate. I can't talk about clothes, or hormones, or days (or nights) out... I'm just a sad lonely middle aged bloke who doesn't know what he wants from life any more.

Thanks for listening.

[Sephirah]

I've been on the point of giving up completely so many times. Some days life just doesn't seem to be worth living. Some days I don't even know myself how I keep going. Some days I feel as though the only thing keeping me going is the fact that I'm too cowardly to take the alternative.

Sweetie, take it from someone who's tried to take the alternative, and thankfully failed, it isn't cowardly to not want to do it. It takes more strength to keep going than it does to... well, to not. I've been where you are. I've been at the precipice, looked over, and jumped. Thankfully I was caught so I'm still around to tell you this. It isn't the answer. As dark as life may seem, where there's life there's hope. I know how easy it is to wish the pain would just go away. How waking up each day can be the biggest struggle in the world and all you wish for is that you could just go back to sleep. And never wake up.

You know what gives me fulfillment? Seeing other people happy. Even when I don't feel it myself. Seeing someone else smile takes the edge off. And it makes me feel like I made a difference. That I'm not completely worthless. It's totally selfish but I don't care. I have made my life about helping others. To take their hand and lead them to the path I cannot take. You need to find that for yourself. Find that thing that gives you a feeling that you're making a difference. I promise you that when you do, it will change the way you see things.

I'm not surrounded by anyone. I don't have a life outside work. I come home, do the housework, watch TV, go to bed. Tonight I've been for physiotherapy, I have a horrible feeling she thinks I'm Up To Something again. I got home, having been out of the house for just over an hour, got the silent treatment, then got half an hour of how ill she is before she went to bed. She's got a cold...

Your wife is a control freak, hon. That's the long and short of it. You aren't living in a home, you're living in a prison. A prison without bars. And by the sounds of it, you've been sentenced to Death Row for a crime you didn't even know about, much less commit.

GET a life outside work. Seriously. Sweetie you sound terrified of what your wife is going to think. Or how she's going to react. Your life isn't about her, okay? As much as she would like it to be, it just isn't. It's yours. You need to start living it. For yourself. What you're doing right now is living her life. The one she wants you to have.

She has power over you because you allow it. Because you give it to her by being so hung up on what she's going to do or say or think. She isn't the centre of the universe hon. You are a person with your own wants, needs and desires. And you have as much right to express and fulfil those as anyone else.

About 2 years ago, he was on his video game (his default setting...) and he said, deliberately, "I wish I lived with my real dad". That hurt like hell. I told my wife who went ape. At me. Her exact words were "thank you for making him say that", she went on to accuse me of ruining his childhood and all manner of similar things. Largely because I believe he should be doing more than spending his every waking moment playing video games - I exaggerate not - he gets home from school at 4pm, goes straight on his computer or playstation, and comes off it and gos to bed at 10.30. At weekends it's not unusual for him to be on it for 10-12 hours at a stretch. But should I ever say anything, well, "you just can't resist having a go can you?"

There are some times in life where the phrase "Oh just shut up." Is very apt. That is one of those times. Your wife isn't the supreme font of all knowledge, sweetie. Control freaks know just what to say to keep you subservient. They've had years of practice at it. What you have to understand is that the problem lies with HER, not you.

Certainly rings true in the case of my wife... she's constantly fishing for compliments, and obsesses over the number of "likes" she gets on Facebook... one of the reasons the male me doesn't have a FB account is that she would constantly be on at me wanting to know the minutiae of every posting... then "you don't tell me anything"... "you're a dark horse"... "you're secretive"...

You know what. Just for one day, you should go over the top the other way. Just to freak her out. Sorry, I'm probably just being evil, but that's what I would do. I would be like the world's best spouse. I would be like "hey, can I do anything for you? Do you want anything? Can I rub your feet? Let me shampoo your hair!! I'll cook you dinner! Hey, can we go somewhere? I have some oil, can I give you a massage? Hey, let me see what you're doing... I'm sooo interested in YOU! What's that? Who's that? Have I met them? I so want to. Do they like you? Hey, let's play a board game! Or share a bottle of wine! What do you think about? Why? Do you have any childhood photos? Can I see? Could I call your mom? Just to say hi and stuff, you know. She'd like that, right? Maybe we could go see them!

That would be accompanied by lots of doting stares and puppy-like following around the house.

People who like to control do it because it makes them feel powerful. Give them what they want and there's no challenge or sense of satisfaction.

I did briefly consider treating myself to a makeover for my birthday in March. Just to let the inner me out again. But it just doesn't seem worth the hassle, I know that when the makeup and clothes came off I'd just be depressed again.

But it would show you what's possible, sweetie. What you could have. I'm not sure it would be as bad as you think, and it may even galvanise you a little.

Just feel a bit out of place to be honest... I'll hang round for a little longer... but I still feel inadequate. I can't talk about clothes, or hormones, or days (or nights) out... I'm just a sad lonely middle aged bloke who doesn't know what he wants from life any more.

Talk about whatever you want, sweetie. Talking is good. You can be whoever you want to be. You just have to get to a point where you're ready to take those steps. And by the sounds of it, that's closer than it was when you first posted. Keep going. *huggles*

[Rikigirl]

Hi again,

Sephirah, you are an amazing and very caring person! Afraid, please listen to what she says! She has clearly travelled this road before and is very understanding and caring. I am having a bad patch myself and her wonderful words brought me to tears! You should be proud Sephirah!

FTMDiaries, has some very wise words and experiences and lives in SA so that advice is invaluable. Please listen to this support! FTMDiaries, you are more direct but still very caring. So can you please get out of that narcissistic environment and get your life and confidence back? Protect yourself but get out! She is sucking the life and confidence out of you!

I am so happy I have found this website with these beautiful people! Afraid, you need to act as hard as it is!

Hugs Riki

[FTMDiaries]

I'm not surrounded by anyone. I don't have a life outside work. I come home, do the housework, watch TV, go to bed.

So the only people you socialise with are your immediate family... and two-thirds of them are hostile to you. No wonder you feel so down in the dumps. It's hard to remain chipper when you're surrounded by people who actively try to keep you down. That's why you need to meet new people and spend time with them instead. And irrespective of what your wife might think, your time is your own and you're perfectly entitled to spend a couple of hours away from the family whenever you like; in fact, it's healthy to do so. And you don't need to explain yourself to her - she's just trying to bully you into doing that because of her insecurity. If you find that thought daunting, there are plenty of excuses you can come up with, e.g. getting something fixed on your car; helping a friend move house; going for a walk; going down the pub with a work colleague; going birthday shopping for the wife... all sorts of things that would give you a couple of hours to yourself.

You know that large city in your county that I mentioned? They have three transgender support groups for adults, including one for pensioners - can you believe that? One of the more general groups actually has a meeting just outside the city centre this coming Saturday at a very private, secure location. To find these groups, type the name of that city into Google along with 'LGBT Centre'. It's the first hit, and there's a list of Groups on that site. These sorts of groups tend to have people at all (and no) stages of transition. They'll have people who choose to present as their birth sex; people who're starting to transition; even people who are fully transitioned. You could turn up presenting as male and they'd be more than happy to welcome you, because they've all been there. We all have. In fact, there'll probably be another nervous newbie who hasn't started transitioning, so you wouldn't be alone.

You'd be amazed how liberating and affirming it is to spend even an hour with people who accept you for who you are... especially when your family is so hostile. It's like having a mini-holiday and it can keep you propped up during the tough times. So please surround yourself with better, more supportive people. They'll help you pull yourself out of your current doldrums & will help you decide what you want to do in the future.

Tonight I've been for physiotherapy, I have a horrible feeling she thinks I'm Up To Something again.

So let her think you're up to something. What happens then? She has a freak-out? Well, so what - you don't have to stand around and listen to her tirade. You're in charge of your legs, so you get to choose where you're going to be when she goes off on one.

It's vital for your own wellbeing that you start to distance yourself from caring what your wife thinks. As Sephirah rightly said, your wife is a control freak who wants everything her way. Well, this is the real world and she can't have everything her way. So what if she gets upset when she isn't the centre of attention? That's actually her problem... not yours.

The more attention you give her, the more you feed her craving for attention. It's a vicious circle: she freaks out; you appease her; so when she wants further appeasement she freaks out again, knowing you'll give in & provide it. You have the break the cycle and the best way to do that is to distance yourself from caring about what she thinks. And if she starts haranguing you, tell her you're not prepared to get involved in the discussion and walk away from the room. You can even leave the house for a couple of hours. They still have pubs, y'know. Once you start to take back your own power, her old tactics will no longer work.

The frustrating thing is, the words are frequently there but they just won't come out. Many times I know exactly what to say, but the safety catch in my mind engages and it won't let me say anything. The self loathing then intensifies.

So write it all down.

In the case of your doctor, write down (on paper, or on your phone) exactly what you want to say. Then book an appointment and hand it to them to read.

In the case of solicitors, you can email them (set up a private Gmail account or something if you're worried about your wife snooping). The same is true for most support groups.

I must point out: a lot of us experience exactly what you're experiencing before we transition. We experience years or decades of building frustration & anxiety until eventually we reach a crisis point. That point is the moment where you realise you simply cannot continue living a lie & you're just going to have to be true to yourself, irrespective of the consequences. It's possible that you're not quite there yet (and that's perfectly OK), but if not then you're certainly getting very close. Susan's is a perfect venue for you because there are a lot of people here who are either in that stage right now, or who have been in the past. We're here for you.

Found, thanks.

Great!

When I got in touch with my solicitor, I spent 45 minutes on the phone discussing what's going on so that I could see whether I thought they'd be the right ones to help me. I hired the second company I phoned... but I got free legal advice from four of them during this process. You could call your local firms during your lunch break, or you could pull over on the way to work or on the way home & call them then. You can also book a half-day off work without telling your wife, then drive to a location she's unlikely to visit (such as the car park of a supermarket that she doesn't like) and call them whilst sat in your car for complete privacy. It's easy to do.

About 2 years ago, he was on his video game (his default setting...) and he said, deliberately, "I wish I lived with my real dad". That hurt like hell. I told my wife who went ape. At me. Her exact words were "thank you for making him say that", she went on to accuse me of ruining his childhood and all manner of similar things. Largely because I believe he should be doing more than spending his every waking moment playing video games - I exaggerate not - he gets home from school at 4pm, goes straight on his computer or playstation, and comes off it and gos to bed at 10.30. At weekends it's not unusual for him to be on it for 10-12 hours at a stretch. But should I ever say anything, well, "you just can't resist having a go can you?"

This is all very, very standard step-parent stuff. I presume he's a teenager (which explains the love of games & the general animosity) but most step-kids loathe their step-parents and continuously compare them to their birth parents. You can always call his bluff: when he says he'd rather live with his real dad, you can tell him "well why don't you then?". If your wife goes ape at you, you can tell her that this is your home and the kids are subject to your rules, and if anyone doesn't like it they're quite welcome to find somewhere else to be. I presume you pay the electricity bill: PlayStations & computers eat a lot of electricity so he has to work to pay for that. If he wants an hour on the PlayStation, he has to earn that by doing an hour of chores. 12 hours on the PlayStation costs 12 hours of chores. How keen would he be to spend 10-12 hours on the PlayStation at the weekend if he knows he has to do 2 hours of chores every weekday to earn that privilege? I'm sure there's plenty he can do... there's housework to be done and there's no reason why it should wait until you get home from a hard day's graft, is there? And if he (or your wife) doesn't like it, tell them they know where the door is.

Also, PlayStations, computers and TV sets are portable. They don't have to be in his room, you know. They can be moved to a less convenient location - such as the dining room - so you can better monitor his usage. Or they can be removed entirely as punishment if he misbehaves or refuses to co-operate. They're even disposable! Perhaps he needs to be told these facts if he doesn't want to co-operate with you or treat you with respect.

she would constantly be on at me wanting to know the minutiae of every posting... then "you don't tell me anything"... "you're a dark horse"... "you're secretive"...

She's doing this because she's a control freak who's terrified that you might know something she doesn't. Another vicious circle that needs to be broken. You don't have to feed into it.

I did briefly consider treating myself to a makeover for my birthday in March. Just to let the inner me out again. But it just doesn't seem worth the hassle, I know that when the makeup and clothes came off I'd just be depressed again.

That sounds like a great idea! And do you know what might be a good venue for it? That trans group I mentioned just outside the city centre: they have a meeting in early March and I'm sure if you befriended them they'd provide you with a safe environment in which to dress & express yourself as you wish. They have private changing facilities so you could arrive & leave in male mode with nobody any the wiser. They'd probably even give you some tips - and I'm sure they'd love to celebrate your birthday with you. Why not promise yourself that as a treat?

Just feel a bit out of place to be honest... I'll hang round for a little longer... but I still feel inadequate. I can't talk about clothes, or hormones, or days (or nights) out... I'm just a sad lonely middle aged bloke who doesn't know what he wants from life any more.

Do please hang around for as long as you can. You're not inadequate. And you don't have to be sad or lonely. The middle-aged bit I can't do much about, sadly.

I'm middle-aged too: I'm 45 and I started transitioning at 40. I won't lie & say it's been easy; my family has also been extremely hostile. But 5 years down the line I'm ditching my ex and I have a great relationship with my elder daughter; my younger daughter is at an awkward age but that's coming along too and I'm sure we'll get there as she matures. I'm well on my way to getting to where I need to be. Where do you want to be 5 years down the line? Stuck in the same awful situation, or well on your way to happiness & self-fulfilment like I am?

Thanks for listening.

Any time. And thanks for coming back.

[DownwardSpiral]

Afraid, you need to act as hard as it is!

Hugs Riki

That's what I find so difficult... got home from work tonight to find that, for the second day on the trot, she hadn't moved off the sofa. She's got a cold. I was a breath away from telling her to stop acting like a spoilt kid and grow up... but yet again the words wouldn't come out. I could hardly talk this morning, nose streaming, chest wheezing, but I got up and went into work. It's hard to come home after a hard day and feel like you're talking to yourself.

As I keep being told, I deserve everything I get.

[DownwardSpiral]

That sounds like a great idea! And do you know what might be a good venue for it? That trans group I mentioned just outside the city centre: they have a meeting in early March and I'm sure if you befriended them they'd provide you with a safe environment in which to dress & express yourself as you wish. They have private changing facilities so you could arrive & leave in male mode with nobody any the wiser. They'd probably even give you some tips - and I'm sure they'd love to celebrate your birthday with you. Why not promise yourself that as a treat?

I don't have any clothes, I don't have anywhere to store them... only a few days ago I considered going out shopping but it just seemed so pointless. After all, the last stuff I bought went straight in the clothing bank. Apart from the stuff I gave away to a former friend, who has since cut me dead because she "can't cope" with me any more. Stuff like that, well, it hurts.

Plus, well, I just look ridiculous... I did have a memory card with some pictures on, but I deleted them all. I looked at them and saw "comedy ->-bleeped-<-", plus it just upset me to think of what's happened since then.

Do please hang around for as long as you can. You're not inadequate. And you don't have to be sad or lonely. The middle-aged bit I can't do much about, sadly.

I'm middle-aged too: I'm 45 and I started transitioning at 40. I won't lie & say it's been easy; my family has also been extremely hostile. But 5 years down the line I'm ditching my ex and I have a great relationship with my elder daughter; my younger daughter is at an awkward age but that's coming along too and I'm sure we'll get there as she matures. I'm well on my way to getting to where I need to be. Where do you want to be 5 years down the line? Stuck in the same awful situation, or well on your way to happiness & self-fulfilment like I am?

Any time. And thanks for coming back.

I suspect I'll be stuck. Or wearing a pine overcoat. I've tried so hard, but nothing I do ever seems to be good enough.

[Michelle_P]

Afraid, the reason you feel the way you do is depression.  It is just nots normal state for human beings. In the really old days, the tribe would have noticed this state and would have pushed you into a different situation, breaking you out of your 'stuck' state.

Alas. We don't have a tribe or a tiny village to help us through life any more. We have our family at home, some sort of work affinity group, however unresponsive, and little else. The folks at work don't know about your home life in any detail and usually aren't inclined to help. The folks at home appear to be the CAUSE of your being in this stuck state.

It really is up to you to take the first step to shift your situation. If you don't do something you'll just remain stuck.


FtMDiaries has given you a pretty good roadmap of ways out of your situation. It really is up to you.  Change the situation. Push back on something.

I was stuck in a similar state, not as bad , but definitely stuck. I finally had a breakdown. Really bad, and not the way anyone should handle this. As part of the breakdown I "confessed" my true nature, and I got into therapy.

I got stuck again a few months later. With some pushing from folks here, I broke past that, and started my transition for real. Technically, my dear wife asked me to leave, and I did.

I'm not stuck any more.   It's up to you to get unstuck.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[DawnOday]

The problem is not with you, as you are searching for a solution to something you were born with. Our problem is the lack of research on the subject because it may give somebody's dogma a kick in the pants. At this point in society it should not be so hard to find answers, I was female before I married my first wife, I just didn't realize it at the time. If I was able to tell her, would we still be together. Probably not and it does not matter how much I loved her. She was my alpha and omega. But I realize what a trauma it may be to just pop out and say whats on your mind. Do I regret I didn't tell her? Yes. Do I regret it didn't work out? No, and with the more I learn the more strongly this feeling becomes. A lot had to do with the place and time. I had some facts to present to my family and they came back with the  observation that this (HRT) was something I had to do.

[SpeakYourMind]

Hello all,

A bit of background about me here. https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,217613.0.html

I really don't know how to go on any more. I don't feel as though I'm living, just existing. I've tried counselling, if anything it just made me feel worse about myself and added to my self doubt.

My wife is openly hostile towards me having any form of social contact with anyone, she refuses point blank to discuss my "issue" (as she refers to it), so I have to resort to furtively posting on the internet to try and reach out to people. And it seems that the people I reach out to rapidly lose patience with me.

I've had problems with self esteem since I was a kid, my parents filled me with a sense of worthlessness, and 2 marriages have kept that nicely topped up, so it doesn't take much to feed that. Also, comments made by people on various forums, and by my erstwhile therapist, have made me doubt everything I ever thought about myself.

I did have an account on here before, I deleted it in a fit of depression when everything just looked hopeless (episodes of which are becoming more and more common), it's clear to me now that I need other people more than they need me.

I'm lonely, I'm afraid and I can't see a way out.

Here is something i feel capable of replying to because i have experienced that same struggle
When it comes to consoling that feeling you get when the consular is asking you questions it's going to probably
make you feel uncomfortable because they are trying to understand and learn about you like you're trying to learn and understand them. They are doing this so they can try and grasp what your problems are and help you the best they can but because we are all human sometimes they don't completely understand how to go about asking certain things and sometimes we forget sometimes we know but it just passed us over but basically if they do or say something that's making you feel interrogated or uncomfortable explain to them why it's making you feel interrogated and ask for another method of communication see if you two can develop a way to go into subjects
that helps you feel more comfortable and not so interrogated. When i first started going to consoling i was very young i felt interrogated also and i wouldn't admit anything to the lady trying to console me because i didn't trust her i didn't know her she didn't know me and that wasn't helping. Also my bad past experiences was preventing me from trusting other people trying to help but eventually she broke through accidentally actually but when she did everything worked until i got older and other things happened with other people and i never went back.
But as i got older i started saying things like: I don't want to go to a consular" but i ended up going and that time around it took me a very long time to find someone i liked i haven't found one yet as a adult who's helped me completely. But i'm still searching, because there are so many people in this world there is someone out there who'll probably understand a lot more then they can say out-loud and that's why i'm still looking because when you get someone who can communicate with you in a way that makes you comfortable and happy (however that is) it'll be a very wonderful feeling and won't feel like a instigation, in a way it starts to feel like a friendship. Or maybe i'm lucky but the people who help you care about you, you just have to find the correct people willing to give the correct kind of understanding and help and open ears. Give it time, look again and if it seems like its a dead end remind yourself it isn't even if inside that moment it feels like it is. I wish you the best of luck and i'm sure life feels inevitable even more so when you're down but there is always so much more then our sadness can see and it's worth walking as corny as saying that is there is a light at the end of a dark tunnel.

[DownwardSpiral]

It wasn't the counsellor I felt was interrogating me, my wife was grilling me when I got back from sessions. If I didn't adequately answer her questions it caused arguments and accusations, accusations that I'd been talking about her (I did occasionally...) or that I was being secretive (I was, but she didn't seem to understand how I didn't want to go over talking about fairly painful stuff again).

The counsellor, well, sometimes I couldn't see the point of the questions she was asking, sometimes she would go over and over stuff I'd spoken about many times already, sometimes I just felt she wasn't listening... Ultimately I just didn't feel as though I was getting anywhere though.

I wish I could get unstuck... Just feel like I'm going round in ever decreasing circles. And I know people get frustrated with me, I get upset and more depressed, which makes people get frustrated with me... You get the picture. Yet again I'm on the pint of deleting my third (or is it fourth) Facebook account because everyone seems to have stopped communicating with me again.

Sometimes, I wonder what the point of it all is.

[Sephirah]

Sweetie, have you thought about going to your GP and exploring the possibility that you are suffering from clinical depression? Maybe getting some anti-depressant medication could help you. Not as a cure-all fix for everything, but just to draw back the veil enough that you have more... motivation or desire to take other steps in your life.

These circles that you're in, it's a self-fulfilling prophecy based around the way you're feeling. Everything seems hopeless, no matter what advice is offered. I've been there, I know how that feels. It seems like you're going to be stuck in a rut forever and the things people are telling you to do are easy for them to say. But that's only because of how you're feeling, it really is. It only takes a jump start to get things moving in the other direction.

The only person who can start the cycles moving in the other direction, a more positive direction, is you, sweetie. It really is. I know you wish you could get unstuck, and you can. But to do that you're going to have to do things that are outside your comfort zone. Things that upset the status quo. It's scary, I know it is. How many times do you feel like "better the devil you know..." and "there's no guarantee I'm not just going to end up feeling the same"?

You need to get out of the relationship you're in with your wife. It's toxic. You know you do. It seems like she's a large contributor to the way you're feeling, and as long as that remains the case, things aren't going to change. However close you have come before that fear sets in... sweetie you have to make that leap. You have to. For your own sake, and for the sake of being there for your daughter.

I think that inside, you know what you need to do, but fear and feeling a sense of hopelessness is stopping you from doing them. And it's also making you think people get frustrated with you because they don't communicate in the way you would like. I am willing to bet that it isn't frustration so much as people just don't know what to say. They can only say the same things and offer the same advice so many times before it's just repetition, you know? It isn't necessarily frustration with you as much as it is that they've said everything they know how to say and are leaving it up to you to make use of it. It doesn't mean they don't want to be supportive, or want to listen, they may just not know what else to do to help. Which isn't your fault or anything to do with you or who you are. If you care about someone, you don't just want to listen to them tell you how hard they have it. You feel for them, and want things to get better. So you try to help, you know?

Several times in my life, when I've been in a dark place, I've had people get angry at me. One RL friend even said flat out to my face: "I get it. It sucks. You can keep on telling me how much it sucks, or you can fix it. What do you want me to say, that I feel sorry for you? Well, I don't. I feel sorry that you can't see a way past it. It's there, I've told you what it is, and I've known you long enough to know that this isn't you! So it's up to you. I'll help you but you have to help yourself."

For weeks I was a bundle of tears, anger and bitterness. But the truth of it is, he was right. And I can see now what I couldn't see then.

The first steps really have to come from you, hon. One positive step, then another, then another, and before you know it you're walking, then running, and not looking back. But you have to take those first steps. If you're feeling about as low as it's possible to get, then what do you have to lose? Just take a look through the thread at what people have been saying. There are some very wise heads here, with a lot of experience. Then decide for yourself what you want, and go for it. It is easier said than done, I know. But it's not impossible. Instead of dwelling on how bad it is, start thinking about how good it could be. Give yourself something to focus on. A goal.

You can do it. *hugs*

[Rikigirl]

I think that inside, you know what you need to do, but fear and feeling a sense of hopelessness is stopping you from doing them. And it's also making you think people get frustrated with you because they don't communicate in the way you would like. I am willing to bet that it isn't frustration so much as people just don't know what to say. They can only say the same things and offer the same advice so many times before it's just repetition, you know? It isn't necessarily frustration with you as much as it is that they've said everything they know how to say and are leaving it up to you to make use of it. It doesn't mean they don't want to be supportive, or want to listen, they may just not know what else to do to help. Which isn't your fault or anything to do with you or who you are. If you care about someone, you don't just want to listen to them tell you how hard they have it. You feel for them, and want things to get better. So you try to help, you know?

Hi Sephirah,

What you have said is exactly how I was feeling towards afraid and I am sure, many of Afraid's past friends and supporters felt the same way! We don't know what we can say to allow you to make the change you need! Repeating advice becomes pointless if you can't act on it. As Sephirah said in another way a long journey starts with a first step!

Hugs Riki

[DownwardSpiral]

Sweetie, have you thought about going to your GP and exploring the possibility that you are suffering from clinical depression? Maybe getting some anti-depressant medication could help you. Not as a cure-all fix for everything, but just to draw back the veil enough that you have more... motivation or desire to take other steps in your life.

Tried that a couple of years back. Three lots of antidepressants didn't work, just made me feel sort of... empty.

These circles that you're in, it's a self-fulfilling prophecy based around the way you're feeling. Everything seems hopeless, no matter what advice is offered. I've been there, I know how that feels. It seems like you're going to be stuck in a rut forever and the things people are telling you to do are easy for them to say. But that's only because of how you're feeling, it really is. It only takes a jump start to get things moving in the other direction.

The only person who can start the cycles moving in the other direction, a more positive direction, is you, sweetie. It really is. I know you wish you could get unstuck, and you can. But to do that you're going to have to do things that are outside your comfort zone. Things that upset the status quo. It's scary, I know it is. How many times do you feel like "better the devil you know..." and "there's no guarantee I'm not just going to end up feeling the same"?

Largely because everything I've tried has either made no difference or actually made things worse. Then of course the self loathing grows and the spiral gets a little deeper.

I think that inside, you know what you need to do, but fear and feeling a sense of hopelessness is stopping you from doing them. And it's also making you think people get frustrated with you because they don't communicate in the way you would like. I am willing to bet that it isn't frustration so much as people just don't know what to say. They can only say the same things and offer the same advice so many times before it's just repetition, you know? It isn't necessarily frustration with you as much as it is that they've said everything they know how to say and are leaving it up to you to make use of it. It doesn't mean they don't want to be supportive, or want to listen, they may just not know what else to do to help. Which isn't your fault or anything to do with you or who you are. If you care about someone, you don't just want to listen to them tell you how hard they have it. You feel for them, and want things to get better. So you try to help, you know?

Several times in my life, when I've been in a dark place, I've had people get angry at me. One RL friend even said flat out to my face: "I get it. It sucks. You can keep on telling me how much it sucks, or you can fix it. What do you want me to say, that I feel sorry for you? Well, I don't. I feel sorry that you can't see a way past it. It's there, I've told you what it is, and I've known you long enough to know that this isn't you! So it's up to you. I'll help you but you have to help yourself."

For weeks I was a bundle of tears, anger and bitterness. But the truth of it is, he was right. And I can see now what I couldn't see then.

I don't have any RL friends any more. I wish I could just sit and chat to someone over a coffee sometimes, just chew the fat, but there is just nobody. I don't go out at night because I can't cope with the silent treatment and/or interrogation at home. I know it makes me sound lame and useless, that's certainly how I feel.

The first steps really have to come from you, hon. One positive step, then another, then another, and before you know it you're walking, then running, and not looking back. But you have to take those first steps. If you're feeling about as low as it's possible to get, then what do you have to lose? Just take a look through the thread at what people have been saying. There are some very wise heads here, with a lot of experience. Then decide for yourself what you want, and go for it. It is easier said than done, I know. But it's not impossible. Instead of dwelling on how bad it is, start thinking about how good it could be. Give yourself something to focus on. A goal.

You can do it. *hugs*

And I feel as though I'm letting people down. I'm sorry. Probably for the best if I stop posting.

[Rikigirl]

Hi Downward,

Posting is a way to talk though your issues! There are many members in the UK who have offered face to face support in groups, and there are many others who I am sure would support you. Without too much detail where are you in, in the UK? Maybe members can suggest face to face support locally?

Hugs Riki

[Sephirah]

Sweetie, this:

Largely because everything I've tried has either made no difference or actually made things worse. Then of course the self loathing grows and the spiral gets a little deeper.

Is tied to this:

I don't have any RL friends any more. I wish I could just sit and chat to someone over a coffee sometimes, just chew the fat, but there is just nobody. I don't go out at night because I can't cope with the silent treatment and/or interrogation at home. I know it makes me sound lame and useless, that's certainly how I feel.

You haven't tried the thing that might actually work for you. All through this thread, there's a running theme. You're scared to have a life because of the way your wife is, and how she treats you. You don't feel able to do anything because of what she's going to say, or think, or how she's going to behave.

It's perfectly okay to go out and socialise, to chat to people over a coffee. To make friends. It's a normal human pattern of behaviour, sweetie. What isn't normal is the way you're being kept a prisoner inside your own head by virtue of someone who is too self absorbed, and probably too scared, to allow you to actually live your life.

Have a look at how many times you've said that the reason you don't or can't do something is because of how your wife is with you. You can see the one common factor linking all these things. There's nothing wrong with going out to indulge in things you're interested in. There's nothing wrong with wanting to interact with the world outside your doorstep. And everything you've tried to make yourself feel better and get through this... is it any wonder they haven't worked when you're basically being denied a great deal of what makes people people by someone else? How can you get a support network when you don't feel like you can step outside the house? How can you have basic human interaction when you don't feel comfortable talking to anyone, because of the possible repercussions?

You can't be free as long as someone has you on a leash. And by the sounds of it, that's exactly what your wife is doing. She's keeping you a prisoner. It's not lame or useless to want to keep the peace, to not want another argument. No one likes turmoil or conflict. But sweetie all that's doing is letting her know that it's okay for her to be the way she is. That you're okay with how she's treating you. Every time you shut yourself away and acquiesce to her, it's strengthening the idea in her head that what she's doing is right. Rather than making things easier, it's just prolonging it for both of you. And while she may be happy with the arrangement, you clearly are not. As it stands, you're trying to put a band-aid on your hand while it's still stuck in the meatgrinder. So there's no wonder you don't ever seem to feel any better. Because one of the major causes of how you feel isn't being addressed.

In order to heal, hon, you need to get away from the thing that is wounding you. It's really that simple. You deserve a life of your own. You deserve supportive people around you that you can just spontaneously meet up with and socialise. You deserve to be happy, to feel content and that you're in control of your own life. You deserve that as much as anyone else does.

I'd like to give you a quote from a poem by William Wordsworth, titled "A Poet!—He Hath Put His Heart to School". The last six lines of the poem:

How does the Meadow-flower its bloom unfold?   
  Because the lovely little flower is free          
Down to its root, and, in that freedom, bold;   
  And so the grandeur of the Forest-tree   
Comes not by casting in a formal mould,   
  But from its own divine vitality.

That's what you have to do sweetie. You have to be free to be yourself, to draw on your own strengths in order to grow into the person you want to be. And to do that, you have to get out of the shadow of your wife so you can start to live your own life.

And I feel as though I'm letting people down. I'm sorry. Probably for the best if I stop posting.

You're not letting anyone down, hon. It's hard. I know it's hard. You can't just fix stuff with a click of the fingers, if you could then no one would ever feel bad. You don't have anything to apologise for, you haven't done anything wrong. Just have a think about what I've said, okay? You deserve happiness, and you can get it. *hugs*

[DownwardSpiral]

2 weeks ago, I was on call and had to attend a fatality on the railway. It was messy. It was also seemingly impeccably planned.

I've spoken to people about it, tried to get it out of my head, but in my darker moments I find myself thinking "where would be a good place, how would I minimise the impact on the train driver and the people who came out to clean up"...

Still can't pluck up the courage to stand up for myself. Still feel useless and worthless. Still trying to rationalise what's going on in my head. Didn't really want to pester anyone, but just needed somewhere to unload.

[FTMDiaries]

Sorry you had to attend a fatality; they're never easy. You know there's no way of doing it that'll minimise the impact on the train driver and the responders. It's always hard on everyone involved. But in your case, it'd be hardest on your daughter who'd have to live with the knowledge that her dad chose to leave her permanently. Please, as someone who's lost a parent, I ask you to not do that to her. These are dark times, but things can improve eventually.

I'm glad you're still here though; I've been wondering how you're getting on.

To be perfectly honest with you, many of us have been in your shoes. Feeling worthless, unable to stand up for ourselves, unable to demand what we need. Feeling unable to come out for fear of what it will do to us. Fear of the whole transition process. We get that; we've been through it.

But you will eventually reach the point where you find you can't carry on feeling the way you do & you realise the benefits of transition far outweigh any potential costs. It sounds like you're pretty much there. When you reach that point, all you have to do is to simply put one foot in front of the other and start doing what you need to do to survive. And then a weird thing happens: you pick up momentum & before you know it you're sprinting towards that dream you've had your whole life.

I honestly think you'd benefit enormously from meeting some other trans people in real life. I've mentioned before that there are a couple of meetings in your area; why not pop in for a cup of tea at one of the upcoming meetings? You can go in male mode (they'll understand, having been there too) and it'd do you the world of good to be around some positive, accepting people for a change. It may even help pull you out of the rut you currently find yourself in.

Please stick around. Do whatever you feel you need to do: unload, complain, rant, cry... whatever it takes. We're here for you.