Happily Married to a MTF Wife

[pligirl75]

I have been lurking on this forum for a few months, but figured I would take a few minutes and introduce myself. I am the wife to 'StaciM', a MTF transgender woman.  We have been together for almost 25 years and I have known about the crossdressing side since we started dating.  Our relationship began as high school sweethearts to loving parents to a beautiful child (via gestational surrogacy due to my medical issues).  Our relationship has always been a little non-traditional with traditional ideals (on my part).  Staci reached the point of "I need to transition" in Sept of last year and we have been on the next step of our journey ever since.  With baby steps, we have told my side our family, our son, ventured out to group therapy and a true self outing.  Our journey is ever evolving, and since September with no secrets, awareness on depression and a truly loving relationship.  Regrets there are many, but none of them have been since "coming out". 

I am happy to chat/support any other significant others on their journey to determining the inevitable question of "do I stay"? and "can I be happy"?

[Dena]

Welcome to Susan's Place. The SO area can always used another experienced poster. We have a few that drop by when they have the time but you never know when somebody could use help now. The transgender members do the best we can but our view may be a bit one sided at times. If there is anything I can help you with, let me know.

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[Matti]

I have been lurking on this forum for a few months, but figured I would take a few minutes and introduce myself. I am the wife to 'StaciM', a MTF transgender woman.  We have been together for almost 25 years and I have known about the crossdressing side since we started dating.  Our relationship began as high school sweethearts to loving parents to a beautiful child (via gestational surrogacy due to my medical issues).  Our relationship has always been a little non-traditional with traditional ideals (on my part).  Staci reached the point of "I need to transition" in Sept of last year and we have been on the next step of our journey ever since.  With baby steps, we have told my side our family, our son, ventured out to group therapy and a true self outing.  Our journey is ever evolving, and since September with no secrets, awareness on depression and a truly loving relationship.  Regrets there are many, but none of them have been since "coming out". 

I am happy to chat/support any other significant others on their journey to determining the inevitable question of "do I stay"? and "can I be happy"?

Just wanted to say I think it is awesome to see a partner being so supportive and accepting of everything. Including the strength to fight whatever comes.
You are great =) Wish you and your partner the best for the coming future.

[pligirl75]

Just wanted to say I think it is awesome to see a partner being so supportive and accepting of everything. Including the strength to fight whatever comes.
You are great =) Wish you and your partner the best for the coming future.

That's very kind - thank you


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[jentay1367]

Yup...you're the dream spouse. Staci is one lucky girl. May you two find happiness forever. It's nice to see stuff like this once in a while. It gives one hope.

[HappyMoni]

Sorry I am not an SO, but I thought I would say that from what I have seen of Staci's posts, you are lucky to have each other. It is possible to not only survive but to grow and make the relationship even better (in some cases.) I will be with my SO 38 years and she has known as much as I could explain for maybe 40. We are better with each other as her and her then we ever were as him and her. Neither of us took on all the sacrifices nor all the benefits. It did take work with communication and a lot of patience with each other. I wish you two all  the best.
Moni

[staciM]

Thanks very much to all of you for the kind wishes.  I'm an incredibly lucky girl to have this amazing and beautiful woman by my side. 

[karenk1959]

I absolutely wish my wife was like you. Although she is very supportive and can intellectualize the fact that I am transgender, on an emotional level she is turned off sexually by my need to crossdress. I have limited my crossdressing to just wearing panties and sometimes pantyhose under my pants and wearing a bra and other lingerie in private so not to give her visual images to think about. She has seen my draw of my lacy panties and bras. I threw everything out at one time. I also shaved all of my body hair at one point which really bothered her. It is complicated since I just came out about being transgender this year and we are both still digesting it all. I repressed the feelings for most of my life. I don't want to lose my wife, but I have explained to her that I need some outlet to satisfy my desire to be a woman and will continue to enjoy my lace lingerie. I think it also bothers her that my panties and bras are much sexier than hers. I don't know if she will be able to adapt to this new norm and stay in our marriage. If you have any words of wisdom that would be great. You have a great attitude!

[Niki Knight]

Hi Pligirl 75 and StaciM

Pligirl 75 Its awesome you support Staci, you sound like a very understanding and caring SO. I look forward to your future posts and wish you and StaciM all the best.

StaciM You are a very lucky girl hon. The future looks bright.

Huggs Niki Marie

[Miss Clara]

My SO is like you, Pligirl, except she was unaware of my feminine side for the first 33 years of our marriage (I didn't cross-dress).  Our marriage was strained leading up to my coming out 3 years ago, and I had every expectation that revealing my secret would result in a total collapse.  My gender dysphoria (GD) had reached the stage where I was prepared to accept the consequences, even to lose everything we'd built over the years.  It didn't happen.

It turned out that the strains on our marriage were mainly due to behaviors (and reactions to them) that stemmed from my GD.  When I began my transition with HRT, many of those destructive behaviors vanished.  I became a happier person and a better spouse.  Our relationship righted itself and has never been stronger. 

I know that I'm very lucky to have a wife that's so understanding and supportive.  I gambled and won!  When I asked her why she didn't fight my decision to transition (after a few weeks of soul searching), she said that my being a woman didn't diminish her love for me. 

[mac1]

I have been lurking on this forum for a few months, ................ Staci reached the point of "I need to transition" in Sept of last year and we have been on the next step of our journey ever since. ................ Our journey is ever evolving, and since September with no secrets, awareness on depression and a truly loving relationship.  Regrets there are many, but none of them have been since "coming out".  ....................

You are a very fortunate couple. May everything continue to work out for you.

[karenk1959]

Clara Kay, I am happy for you and I hope the same happens to me. You can say it's none of my business, but do you and your spouse still have sexual intimacy?

[pligirl75]

Words of wisdom
1) find someone your spouse can talk to.... I soul searched to make sure I was all in... I looked at our love life for the past 6-8 years and realized that when I was with the feminine side of my spouse it was the most enjoyable. 

2) Give her a "all questions are acceptable regardless of how it might make you feel.  This will allow her to get into the true relationship you both have...

For me I needed to be in a place that I had work life balance and be comfortable with where I was in my career and family life.  I needed to get past the "what will people think" thoughts to truly see that there was no choice to make.  Staci is my soulmate and I'd do anything for her and our family. 

3) Share the tasks that are typically female and share the male tasks that will allow her some independence.  The stronger she feels and more in control the more receptive she will be to the true you.

Niki - I greatly appreciate your chats that you have with Staci.  As much as us SO need support so do you lovely ladies... we SO don't always understand and get caught up in our own girl drama to remember that! 

Clara - I love hearing there SO that are so supportive!  Keep hugging your wife!

I hope this helps and for those of you that have SO that need someone to chat with, reach out (via Staci - I don't have enough posts) and I'd be happy to chat.




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[Miss Clara]

Clara Kay, I am happy for you and I hope the same happens to me. You can say it's none of my business, but do you and your spouse still have sexual intimacy?

Karen, thanks for asking.  The answer is yes, but the nature of it has changed as you can imagine.   Even though I'm sexually attracted to women, I've never had the sexuality of a typical heterosexual male.  Being free of that responsibility has actually helped me to fully enjoy intimacy.  My partner has never shown any signs that she's attracted to women, but she's not turned off by my feminine appearance.  She enjoys physical expression of my love as much as I enjoy hers.  Once in awhile it goes beyond the cuddling stage.    Overall, I'd have to say that the sexual side of our relationship is still in transition. 

[Niki Knight]

Niki - I greatly appreciate your chats that you have with Staci.  As much as us SO need support so do you lovely ladies... we SO don't always understand and get caught up in our own girl drama to remember that! 

Its my pleasure Hon, I look forward to chatting and being supportive in anyway I can.

Huggs Niki Marie

[Twoman44]

I just found out my husband wishes he was a girl in January. I am on a roller coaster of emotions. Today I feel a great sense of loss. I feel like I'm giving up me and who I am so he can be who he wants to be. Yesterday I felt fine. I don't know if I can stay if he fully transitions. Tomorrow I might feel differently but today is today. I have a lot of insecurities about all this. I think if he would be more supportive of how I might be feeling (I only give him positive support) the. My securities would be less. But he won't do that for me. So I begin to shut down and we fight and "she" goes back in the closet (which makes me feel even more secure. Like "she" is his secret). I feel like he has known, and has been dealing with this for 42 years and I just found out after 17 years together.... I feel he should give me the reassurance I need and deserve. But he just won't so I become more and more insecure and want to stay less and less.

[jentay1367]

I just found out my husband wishes he was a girl in January. I am on a roller coaster of emotions. Today I feel a great sense of loss. I feel like I'm giving up me and who I am so he can be who he wants to be. Yesterday I felt fine. I don't know if I can stay if he fully transitions. Tomorrow I might feel differently but today is today. I have a lot of insecurities about all this. I think if he would be more supportive of how I might be feeling (I only give him positive support) the. My securities would be less. But he won't do that for me. So I begin to shut down and we fight and "she" goes back in the closet (which makes me feel even more secure. Like "she" is his secret). I feel like he has known, and has been dealing with this for 42 years and I just found out after 17 years together.... I feel he should give me the reassurance I need and deserve. But he just won't so I become more and more insecure and want to stay less and less.

You need to set her down and express to her exactly what you just told us...even if you need to repeat it to her verbatim. What you've expressed here is very succinct and eloquent, share it with her. None of us humans can read minds. If after you've shared this with her and she still insists on the same behavior, at least you'll know that it was out in the open and it wasn't for lack of information that things fell apart. Let her know what you want....YOU have every right. If she can't deal with this kind of emotional sharing and give and take, perhaps you deserve more or better. But first it needs to be expressed.

[HappyMoni]

I just found out my husband wishes he was a girl in January. I am on a roller coaster of emotions. Today I feel a great sense of loss. I feel like I'm giving up me and who I am so he can be who he wants to be. Yesterday I felt fine. I don't know if I can stay if he fully transitions. Tomorrow I might feel differently but today is today. I have a lot of insecurities about all this. I think if he would be more supportive of how I might be feeling (I only give him positive support) the. My securities would be less. But he won't do that for me. So I begin to shut down and we fight and "she" goes back in the closet (which makes me feel even more secure. Like "she" is his secret). I feel like he has known, and has been dealing with this for 42 years and I just found out after 17 years together.... I feel he should give me the reassurance I need and deserve. But he just won't so I become more and more insecure and want to stay less and less.

Jentay is right. You need to talk and lay it out there to her. You deserve your feelings to be respected. It can be a trap that trans people, especially those who have been hiding a long time, can fall into to becoming very focused on themselves. It makes sense in a way. Denial,  hiding and then finally freedom, there is a tendency to be a little selfish, I think. It may be that a reminder is needed like, "Hey you, my feelings count too! Wake up!"
Don't panic. Give yourself time to sort it all out.
Moni

[karenk1959]

I just found out my husband wishes he was a girl in January. I am on a roller coaster of emotions. Today I feel a great sense of loss. I feel like I'm giving up me and who I am so he can be who he wants to be. Yesterday I felt fine. I don't know if I can stay if he fully transitions. Tomorrow I might feel differently but today is today. I have a lot of insecurities about all this. I think if he would be more supportive of how I might be feeling (I only give him positive support) the. My securities would be less. But he won't do that for me. So I begin to shut down and we fight and "she" goes back in the closet (which makes me feel even more secure. Like "she" is his secret). I feel like he has known, and has been dealing with this for 42 years and I just found out after 17 years together.... I feel he should give me the reassurance I need and deserve. But he just won't so I become more and more insecure and want to stay less and less.

I have been married for 31 years and just came out to my wife that I was transgender. I repressed those feelings for years so your husband didn't necessarily know or understand his true self for all that time. Please realize that his realization is a seismic shift for both of you. My wife goes from being totally supportive to not wanting to be married to me. I toggle from totally accepting myself to being ashamed when I think of my grown children finding out one day. My wife is turned off by my desire to wear women's lingerie under my clothes. This makes me not only feel bad about myself but also makes me wear things in secret and hide them so my wife doesn't have to get visuals. With such a huge shift in a relationship it is normal for both involved to be on a rollercoaster of emotions. Honestly, neither of us wants me to be TG, but I know if I am not true to myself I will become depressed as I was for most of my life. I must be resigned to the fact that my marriage may or may not last, but my marriage would have definitely ended if my depression continued. Hope this helps. Stick around and see what happens and take it day by day!

[VivianJane]

I really hate it when people accuse us of being selfish.
After years, decades of denial where we have been anything but selfish to be called that at this time is a slap in the face.
When someone finally comes out after so long, believe me we agonize over it before and after doing so.
We are well aware of the gravity of the situation and there are lots of us who want our marriages to work out.
Understand that it is very typical for wives to be kinda freaking for the first few months.
Counsel is needed and it isn't up to the person in transition to provide all the answers that might calm the fears of the wife.
This is a stressful time for each person and is absolutely not a time to be reading anybody the riot act with "You better listen to me or else".
People need to go see someone and talk it out, few people even need any intensive therapy.
Just find someone who does general counselling because it is hard to find people who have trans health experience anyway. If you do have trans or lgbt health services then great, avail yourself.
But stop dumping on each other.
My partner asked we to please just stop talking about trans stuff too much, I did and she was very much happier.
In time she saw that I was basically the same person but now with a different presentation, and name, and body, and a few other things but hey...you will get used to it.