How does the full transition end? (M to F)

[HappyMoni]

   For a little background, I will say that due to fears about how my medical transition might progress, I have been down in the dumps lately. Things are out of my control and I have recently lost some confidence. I write this not as a pity party but rather as a chance for enlightenment from some sisters who have been through most or all of their life change.
   I picture that it is common to go through stages of change. I will try to describe them as I see them.
       Stage 1: You are brought up male. For however long that is, there is a question one asks, "Why am I a guy who wishes to be and needs to be a girl?" You may think you are the only one like this. Everyone says you are a male. (Especially true before the internet) You have strong feelings that you are not really a guy.
        Stage 2: If you transition you enter a time of very mixed feelings. Chances are you have a lot of adjustments to make. You might even ask, "What am I?"  You may no longer feel integrated into the world as a male, but you may  not feel that you have attained "woman hood."
        Stage3: You have enough RLE experience, loss of dysphoria, GCS, or whatever it takes to be able to completely say "I am a woman."  (Not cis, of course.)

   I will admit to being in stage 2. I am quite sure I am not a man. I feel very distant from that stage. My insecurities about my hair, my voice, my social integration and genital dysphoria are so important to how I view myself right now. When I am down, I sometimes feel like I am a "genderless blob." I am not able at 7 months full time to claim that I feel like  a woman.
   Sorry this is such a long winded way to ask, but can anyone share their experience of making that leap. Is there a way of thinking that helps? Does it just take time and experiences. Does having GCS or other surgery help get you there. If someone could give some insight, maybe  it would help myself or others see the path. I could use  a boost right now. Thanks!
Monica

[Nina_Ottawa]

Speaking for myself, time was the key. At first I wanted things to happen fast. I expected changes immediately. As time trudged on, I became happier. Then I got to a point where I no longer cared about others input of how I look, how my voice sounded. Take me as I am, or get out of the way.

The clincher was GCS. I believe it brought my transition to an end, I am at the happy spot where I'm happy with myself, I can look in the mirror and believe what I'm seeing.

So I think when you stop judging yourself, finding faults, and believe in yourself...then you're on the right path.

I think I rambled.

[Rachel]

Hi Monica,

Prior to GCS at work I would use the single stall bathrooms (unless there were none available). In my mind I set a condition that after GCS I would use the woman's room. I felt not male and not female. Now when I use the woman's room I still have some apprehension but I feel that I fit.  The apprehension is around my height 6'2" or 6'1", voice and hair loss. I do not look like a female or one is not like the rest.

When I get my hair corrected I will still be tall and my voice will still not be female. I will have my voice corrected but I will still be tall.

I definitely do not look like a guy and I will never look cis female. I like the person I am and I try to be the best person I can be. I would love to find a male partner but realize that will be difficult. I feel different and no matter what I do I will have the  same feelings. So what am I? The reality is I will always be different.

I really needed GCS. It ended my genital dysphoria. Everything else I have and will do is to better fit in. I am different but have the same insecurities as any other woman. It will take time to feel like a woman and it is happening in small ways every day. 

[Cindy]

Looking back is always a little difficult as you tend to recall the good and repress the bad but I remember having the feelings of 'playing a part' rather than being female. Somewhere in the journey that feeling went away and at least in my recollection it had nothing to do with any surgery it was more of a fitting in to my comfort zone.

Everyone in my circle and in my society: shops, work friends etc were all treating me as expected as a woman and over time I realised that I also was. To be honest nothing changed, my life is similar to 'his' but the difference being that I am happy, confident and never think about gender unless I'm working on the Forum.

In summary, in my case I think it was a time thing and I have to admit I'm 5-6 years full time.

[Doreen]

One thing I never completely understood.. if you felt like you were always a girl, but with born with a defect how can anyone settle for less than as much as is possible to be one?

I mean I get it that some are tall, some have deep voices, some look like linebackers.. but why not go as far as you can to be true to your inner image?

I little about me... I've been transitioned some 20+ years ago.. gcs, voice work, soon (YAY!) to be ffs.. If I see something I don't like in me, I fix it, if I can.   Some things I can't fix, like my height so I find ways to use that to my advantage.  My spouse on the other hand (she's also post op) doesn't care about her voice, doesn't shave every day, its even hell to get her to utilize important hygiene sometimes too.  She's comfortable 'enough' with people mistaking her gender.  She's a foot shorter than me and gets misgendered a lot more than me.. me, almost never.  I'm 6'2.

I personally find it hard to understand, but ultimately its an individual choice I think.. how you see yourself and how comfortable you are with who you are.  Personally I'm not comfortable at all being viewed other than female.. I don't feel I was born trans.. I feel I was born female with wrong stuff.

Just me and my 2 cents  

[Sophia Sage]

My insecurities about my hair, my voice, my social integration and genital dysphoria are so important to how I view myself right now. When I am down, I sometimes feel like I am a "genderless blob." I am not able at 7 months full time to claim that I feel like a woman.

Sorry this is such a long winded way to ask, but can anyone share their experience of making that leap. Is there a way of thinking that helps? Does it just take time and experiences. Does having GCS or other surgery help get you there. If someone could give some insight, maybe  it would help myself or others see the path. I could use a boost right now.

You're in a liminal period of your life right now -- that's what transition is.  Yes, it takes time and patience.  But it also takes work -- tearing down old aspects of your life and building something new. 

For me, it wasn't a great leap so much as a series of very long strides.  Finding my voice -- that was huge.  Getting cleared thanks to electrolysis.  Facial surgery.  And SRS.

Now yes, these are all things having to do with embodiment.  It's the bedrock, the foundation of transition, but I can't say it's just this.  I think transsexing depends on embodiment, but just because something is necessary doesn't mean it's sufficient.  All that time in between wasn't just sitting on my thumb -- I did a lot of reading (a sort of crash course, everything from Judy Blume to academic stuff like Deborah Tannen) and reflection on what I actually learned in my disastrous girlhood.  It also took getting out into the world and simply letting it gender me correctly, then adapting to the subsequently new social expectations, from the trivial to the profound.  Over and over again, just letting it sink in, absorbing it, and responding to it. 

Frankly, it took a good couple of years after all the surgeries were done, and building a life without narrative baggage, before that final "leap" of complete self-acceptance took place. 

So don't fret.  You're in transition now.  I know the metaphor is terribly cliché, but we are like moths, and transition is simply the period of "cocooning" where everything changes... and once we emerge from our shells, we still have to dry off our wings and learn to fly. 

[Mia]

I did a full transition overnight, so to say, in that I came out to everyone within a few days of having ffs and changing my name and gender. The first months following transition were rough, mainly because it's virtually impossible in my mind to convince anybody (including myself at times) that a person can physically change gender overnight. During those first months I truly realized and mourned the loss of all those important, formative years I missed as I grew up the wrong gender. But - I never felt more at peace with who I was identifying as, and actually felt pure elation at having transitioned.

As time has passed, hormones have worked their magic and my facial features have "settled" into their post op plan. I have undergone breast enhancement surgery (which shockingly I find to be a huge aid in passing!) and also vocal surgery. Voice training, even with surgery, is one of the most difficult things I've ever undertaken... And it's also one of the most imperative changes I need to undergo, in my opinion. I have a huge issue with genital dysphoria, so that is another imperative, although an orchiectomy really helped with that.

After almost 18 months I believe most of the looks I get are from jealous women who can't believe my 6'2" height. Men look, some figure it out but aren't sure enough to really say anything. Older men stare at my boobs. Having longer hair is another real aid in passing, whether real or a high quality wig.

I think the takeaway from all this is that if you are mostly binary, once you go full time you are forced to start living life the way all women do. You want nice clothes, you have to learn about makeup, you start to suppress the fake macho crap you spouted all your male life. In essence, being a woman reinforces your transition and makes passing easier and easier as time goes on.

Finally, I still grieve over not being "complete" or even "real" sometimes. My wife suggested that I read about women who are infertile and feel that they are not fully women like their friends and counterparts. That was a great call - there is a strong parallel between women who feel different, cheated in life, and transgender women.

[Tessa James]

Part of the challenge is our use of language in our narratives of understanding process.  A key for me is distinguishing between gender identity and gender roles.

How does one know what a woman feels like if they have never been seen or treated as one?  No one is born a woman or man, we are born as babies.  Babies grow into children and children go through puberty, socialization and the process of becoming a mature adult may take decades.  Those years of learning cultural norms and rules are the old tapes we may need to overcome to find and be ourselves. 

I suggest that even those of us who have "always known" or have been able to understand gender and articulate their own unique identity from the first moments of speech and expression are rare.  I also believe that as culture and mass media expand our knowledge that many more young people will be in that camp with parents who will also understand and support them.  That is what I am seeing in real time today.

I felt I needed to have much more experience living as a woman before I could comfortably own that title.  I still do so with an asterisk, explanation or modifier such as trans woman.  I know I will continually have opportunities to learn, adjust and adapt.  I like to think I will welcome new knowledge and transition will be a hallmark of life.  I find my transgender obsession is lessening with time and experience.  Significant issues beyond gender demand our attention every day.

We can certainly realize personal goals like HRT, FFS and other surgeries that fit our needs, pocket book and timeline.  Really integrating all of theses changes and feeling our own hearts, minds and bodily congruity to be right and at peace is  part of the journey I am working toward.  All good things come to an end but even a sausage has two ends

[julia-madrid]

Hi Monica

I think that your level of sheer brute determination and the will to succeed are the key things here.  There is no doubt that it takes time to adjust to seeing yourself - and being seen - in your new gender, but this will come with time.  And the harder you apply yourself to being that girl, the quicker it will come.  Work on your voice, mannerisms and how you hold your body, and change will occur.  My voice took 6-8 months of hard work.

There is really no need to see yourself as a genderless blob, truly!  You are moving from one gender to the other, and this is an incredible thing to experience, so my advice to you is to enjoy it, and revel in a journey that so few people ever undertake.

It might sound a bit weird to enjoy your transition, but it is possible. I was fortunate that my work, family and friends were very supportive and actively involved, and a cute, decent male friend of mine was very willing to be intimate with me from the start to the end of my journey. This was incredibly validating, and at no time did I feel like a genderless blob.  I did get to the point when I had run out of patience with the "bits below" and knew that I was ready for GRS.

Everyone has their ups and downs, so don't get down - just go buy some pretty shoes or a new lipstick!

With many hugs
Julia

[Inarasarah]

Hi Moni,

I am not sure if this helps, but everyone's transition is a unique experience, and I can tell you as someone who had GCS & BA back in 2004, that helped tremendously for my self-image to be confirmed as a woman.  These were the parts of my life I had the most dysphoria.  Once I had them addressed, the dysphoria went away.  I started to really see my self as female, and that internal self-identity grew and began to be manifested outwardly more and more.  This helped others see me as a woman, and then life just was.  I was living in it as a woman, doing all of the things my girl friends were doing.  It took time, years in fact, to get to that point, but it does happen.

And then, and I talked about this in another post, I started to lose a lot of my memories of being a man.  I mean I know I was one for over 30 years, but I no longer know what it feels like to traverse "a man's world".  I no longer carry myself as a man does.  I find I no longer relate to situations as my male collegues and friends relate to them.  It is strange, because I know I use to act as they did, whether it was to fit in, or just because of societal expectation.  Now I coduct myself as my female peers do. I use to do it quite consciously, but know it is just how I react.  Basically no different than any of my women friends and collegues.

Time was the factor and just living.  The changes were subtle, but they happened.  I still have aspects that sometimes get me clocked, and for the longest time, I just didn't care.  These were my height and voice.  Well I cannot change my height, as Rachel Lynn mentioned, so I am going to do what I can to make my voice better.  And I love being tall, unless I am shopping, but that is a story for another time.

Moni, we all have gone or are going through the feelings you have. Talking with your friends or posting here will hopefully help, I know that I am endlessly more happy now than I was back in 2002.  And I never regret the decision to be me and to transition.  I just try to be the best person I can be and hopefully offer some help to others.  I cannot tell you if surgery is the right answer for you, onely you will know that.  But for me, adressing my dysphoria, improved my life one-thousand fold. 

Hugs,
Sarah

[barbie]

I did not transition, but I mostly wear skirts everyday. In 14 years since I started women's clothes, gender identity is no longer a major issue in my daily life. It once was, but now I think I am just between a man and a woman. It is OK for me. I have a role as a man at my home, and sometimes at my work place. Some people treat me as a woman, and others as a man. But gender identity is no longer so much important, compared with my personality and career. Yes. Once people used to ask me whether I am a man or a woman, but nowadays few people ask it, as they already know who I am or are not interested in my gender identity. I interact with people for education and work, not for any sexual thing. Yes. Sometimes a few people praise my beauty, and I have more female friends than ever before. Now the most important issue to me is education of my kids, as it requires huge money... Alas...

barbie~~

[HappyMoni]

Hi Ladies,
   I am so grateful to each an every one who has replied. You ladies have such a wonderful story to tell. I actually hope that me posting this now doesn't end the thread. I would love to hear more stories and maybe it would help others as well. You see, there is so much on this site about many of the details we all worry about with transition, nails, hair, voice, and on and on. To hear that I can fully feel like the woman that I should always have been means so much to me. I will go through anything to feel that. I think when we first go out into the world during transition, it feels like we are walking on a tight rope. All the insecurities act like a wind that wants to knock us off our path. The thing that steadies me is the knowledge that there is no other path. The "he" of me is gone. Knowing that I will truly be "she," confident and comfortable with myself...well, it's the best thing ever. I am in your debt for helping me with this.
Moni

[Georgette]

I have heard others say we never truly end our transition.

I started and ended my physical transition from 1975-77, SRS age 26.  Never had much male baggage so that wasn't a problem.  Had/have a very supportive family and work.

I always passed well enough so that is not a problem.  As I have aged no-one even looks anymore.  At 66, people tend to not look at old people.

So I guess my transition ended somewhere in there.

[Maybebaby56]

When does full transition end?  When you run out of money, ha ha.  (Okay, bad joke.)

This is a really interesting thread, as I have struggled for some time with the question of whether I will ever "be a woman". I really don't know what that feels like, having suffered through 50 years of testosterone poisoning and social indoctrination as a male. 

I never had a girlhood, or a mother-daughter relationship.  I never hung out with girlfriends, or had a slumber party, talking about boys and makeup. I've never had a womb, or menstruated, not will I ever bear children. It pains me to say that just because I have always wanted to be female since I was age 6 or 7, it doesn't make me one.

So what the heck am I doing, risking my whole male life to transition?  Seeking happiness is the only answer I can give you.  I may never be a woman, but I can be a "reasonable facsimile thereof".  If I can manage to maintain a "female user interface" with society, and be perceived and treated as a woman, I would be happy with that. I can tell you that is already happening, and I am already happier than I can ever remember being.  I guess that will have to do.

~Terri

[Tessa James]

When does full transition end?  When you run out of money, ha ha.  (Okay, bad joke.)

This is a really interesting thread, as I have struggled for some time with the question of whether I will ever "be a woman". I really don't know what that feels like, having suffered through 50 years of testosterone poisoning and social indoctrination as a male. 

I never had a girlhood, or a mother-daughter relationship.  I never hung out with girlfriends, or had a slumber party, talking about boys and makeup. I've never had a womb, or menstruated, not will I ever bear children. It pains me to say that just because I have always wanted to be female since I was age 6 or 7, it doesn't make me one.

So what the heck am I doing, risking my whole male life to transition?  Seeking happiness is the only answer I can give you.  I may never be a woman, but I can be a "reasonable facsimile thereof".  If I can manage to maintain a "female user interface" with society, and be perceived and treated as a woman, I would be happy with that. I can tell you that is already happening, and I am already happier than I can ever remember being.  I guess that will have to do.

~Terri

I really appreciate your candor about these aspects of our transition Terri.  What we missed out on growing up can certainly impact our sense of who we are and the struggle for a clear and simple statement of our identity.  I suppose even those who transition at the earliest of ages experience some sense of missing something.  Still, those who now transition as teens or younger will likely have fewer misses or regrets??  I sure hope so.

Not every cisgender woman can have or wants to have children and all the joys of a menstrual cycle.  Not every man  fathers children.   Seems like plenty of room for us and who knows how "complete" our options for transition can become in the future??

[Inarasarah]

Another thing I noticed is when I am having conversations with cis-women on intimate topics, like sex and men (or women), I am just part of the conversation contributing like everyone else.  My perspective is assumed to be as a woman, my trans background or perspective from being a former cis-male is never brought up.  This to me is further confirmation that I made it. 

The more of these situations that occur, the more I personally feel that I am a woman.  I never bring up the fact that I can never have children or that I never have a period.  I guess there is one benefit of being an older person, assumed menapause.  But being included and accepted into these circles shows so much validation to me.  I could not ask for anything more than to just be accepted as a woman by my peers.

[Maybebaby56]

Not every cisgender woman can have or wants to have children and all the joys of a menstrual cycle.  Not every man  fathers children.   Seems like plenty of room for us and who knows how "complete" our options for transition can become in the future??

Those are good points, Tessa.  Does one's life experiences define reality?  If you believe in your heart you are female, are you?

Where I get confused is considering that there are natal women who look like truck drivers and don't seem to have a lick of femininity about them.  Am I just as much of a woman as they are?   I'm not sure. To keep my argument congruent, I would have to say, no, but I am much more feminine than they are.   Does femininity = femaleness?  There are effeminate males, that identify as men, so maybe not. I just go around in circles with this.

Another thing I noticed is when I am having conversations with cis-women on intimate topics, like sex and men (or women), I am just part of the conversation contributing like everyone else.  My perspective is assumed to be as a woman, my trans background or perspective from being a former cis-male is never brought up.  This to me is further confirmation that I made it. 

The more of these situations that occur, the more I personally feel that I am a woman.  I never bring up the fact that I can never have children or that I never have a period.  I guess there is one benefit of being an older person, assumed menapause.  But being included and accepted into these circles shows so much validation to me.  I could not ask for anything more than to just be accepted as a woman by my peers.

Well said, Sarah. You expressed my feelings better than I did.

With kindness,

Terri

[Fresas con Nata]

Another thing I noticed is when I am having conversations with cis-women on intimate topics, like sex and men (or women), I am just part of the conversation contributing like everyone else.  My perspective is assumed to be as a woman, my trans background or perspective from being a former cis-male is never brought up.  This to me is further confirmation that I made it. 

To me, it is not. Nowadays I'm not more than a guy with a wig, however my girlfriends openly talk about strictly feminine issues when I'm there with them, things like boyfriends, menstruation and even their boobs, to the point of showing them for comparison (too bad I can't contribute to that). And I see it not like "I made it" because I'm not even on HRT, but more like "these girls really accept this guy-with-a-wig into their universe", "they are really respectful and inclusive".

[RobynD]

My thoughts are that it is a journey not a destination. Like all journeys, you try and focus on the wonderful scenery and experiences, and try to ignore the junked out cars and garbage at the side of the road. Sometimes the latter is not easy at all.

So i'm not sure i even recognize what the "full transition" is. You did not say this at all, but often i hear the term used by the outside world as meaning the "big surgery" of GCS. i always bristle when i hear that a bit for pretty obvious reasons. I think a lot of people see their identities as being in a funk at times, i think we all do regardless of gender expression or identity.

For me, coming out was a non-event because i had been expressing as a feminine person for most of my life, but even so the transition created really big changes that had nothing or little to do with others. (Except perhaps my immediate family). I feel like I am fully woman and i try to not compare myself to other women, i try not to consider that they arrived at their gender identity and preferred expression in a much different way than i did.

I can identify with the emotional ups and downs and striving for things that seem out of reach. My best strategy is keep busy, surround myself with people that i love and that care about me, and keep trying to make progress into being a better and better woman and person.

[RobynD]

Another thing I noticed is when I am having conversations with cis-women on intimate topics, like sex and men (or women), I am just part of the conversation contributing like everyone else.  My perspective is assumed to be as a woman, my trans background or perspective from being a former cis-male is never brought up.  This to me is further confirmation that I made it. 

This is a big one for me too. I never really feel like an outsider among other women, while with men i never have felt fully connected socially.  I will concede that maybe that is a low bar as evidence, but maybe it is not. I too accept that there are many things that they experienced that i never will, but i do have some things that i experienced that were very positive in replacement to those. I also have somewhat of a special perspective living in somewhat of a disguise for so long, like you that is rarely brought up, but i think it is at least somewhat beneficial in various situations.