Help: I have regrets

[warlockmaker]

My dear friend Ruchenda. In my foundation to help TGs I have come accross this many times. Its not unusual. My advice is that if you really hold these doubts about full transition and believe you are in love and that the other person feels the same way .; then sit and have a serious discussion. I have met  your love and she is most caring and seems toi love you a great deal, she is also beautiful in appearance . So she is so dpecisl inside snd out. You are so lucky to have someone like her. If you and her feel the same way then GO FOR IT. You can always transition later. I remember how much I needed love and I understsnd how you feel. Full transition is NOT the only way to live. You are exceptionally smart so  just trust your feelings. I fully support your decision now and in the futureand will be there for you.
love you

[R R H]

What a gorgeous post Bobbie. You have summed up everything about how I feel. It's so lovely that you have met her and realise the love I have for her.
You're special, that's for sure. Thank you thank you thank you x

[jentay1367]

As you can tell, voice training has only just started

How brave of you to put yourself out there like that , Rachel. It's people like you that make this all just a little easier on the rest of us. Thank you! As for your voice? It sounded feminine bt the 2nd definition of the dictionary

"possessing qualities or characteristics considered typical of or appropriate to a woman"

You were gracious and kind, both.... feminine traits.

Unlike the two rude TERF's who opted to disparage diversity, love, caring and magnanimity. Those two came across as fear ravaged haters protecting an indefensible position. Your demeanor, class and and behavior made you much more pleasant to listen to than them. Thank you again for being such a wonderful ambassador for us. Good luck with your girl!

[R R H]

Awww what an absolutely gorgeous message. Thank you so much 

On the other issue, I feel as if my hormones are settling down (slight increase recently) and my partner and I had a brilliant counselling session: not re. us but regarding the wider situation of very important people around us who have struggled with this. We came away united in our approach. I also know I have to continue with this journey but that my gorgeous partner is by my side: as she was in Bangkok through my surgery. As the counsellor said to me, 'she invited you into her home as Rachel, not Richard.' I'm very lucky. Well, I've had some real crap in life, but right now I'm lucky and that's something to hold on to.

Thank you again for your beautiful words. That's such an encouragement xx

[R R H]

I began this thread two months ago, since when I have been having regular bereavement counselling. I have wept lake-loads of tears. I buried three of my children and nursed my son for two months whilst his life ebbed away before me. A few weeks ago I went back to his grave with my partner for the first time since the funeral seven years ago.

The upshot is that I realise for years I have been running away from the person whose life was so riddled with unreleased pain. Transition was one of several escape mechanisms for me: a way of avoiding the pain of being me.

I won't transition any more. I'm going to face up to 'me' and reclaim Richard. Those around me may be happy, but this is about being kind to me once more.

There's a wonderful moment in the film Good Will Hunting when Robin Williams tells Will that it's not his fault.


Much love to you all,
Rxx

[LizK]

Rachael I hope you find the peace you are looking for...whether it be as Richard or Rachael.

Take Care

Liz

[jentay1367]

I've great "hope" that your "hope" will trump everything else. To say I see problems on the horizon would be a gross understatement. My position is to support you since that's what we do here. But I simply can't cheer lead you down a road that's on the face of it.... (and has proven in the past for many others to be), a dead end. We can't find or define ourselves in nor through the eyes of others. I've tried my whole life   I do hope you prove to be different, though. You're such a sweet compassionate person and god knows that after all you've been through, you deserve it.

[flytrap]

My heart goes out to you, RachelRichenda, for your loss and the pain you experienced these past weeks.

I am a survivor of childhood sexual and psychological trauma, the only girl in my Multiple Personality (Disssociative Identity) Disorder System. I too understand there are many reasons a person may need to express themself as another gender that have nothing to do with being transgender. My Primary alter (a guy) went through a period when he was misdiagnosed as transsexual. He fought his doctors tooth and nail. No one can know what we need better than ourselves.

I have spent 50 years, running, created six different people in my head to survive the things that happened to me as a child. At this point in my life I am not sure we will ever be able "to face up to 'me'" and pull my mind into the single male identify I was born with. But I am far enough along in recovery to realize dissociation was an not a curse. It was amazing gift from God that helped me survive.

You faced a horrible trauma no human being should have to experience. But I don't see you as running. I am awed by the amazingly clever solution your brain conceived to help you cope with the pain until until you were ready to face it. You are a survivor. And I am proud of you for accepting the horrible things that happened, picking up the pieces of your life as Richard and moving on.

[zirconia]

Hi, Richard
I wish you peace.

[R R H]

Just to say that I've had the most incredible counselling over the past two months. I visited my son's grave, with my partner, for the first time since his funeral seven years ago. Since then I have wept lake loads of tears as the reservoirs of pain come out for the first time in my life. As part of my counselling I've gone back to prep school when I was severely sexually tortured over a two year period: the monster responsible got a 10 year prison sentence.

My partner has been out of this world and I owe her my life. There were times in this process when I stared into the abyss from a teetering edge. But I'm okay. I'm going to be okay.

For me I now know that my 'Rachel' identity, whilst truly reflecting a female energy, was a dissociative idealised identity. It was a means by which I escaped myself: a life of unimaginable trauma and pain (severe abuse and the deaths of three of my children).

I'm back and I'm Richard.

much love to you all. You have been an inspiration through this and, for the most part, very supportive. I wish you all the very very best.

Richard
xxx

[LizK]

Long Days and Pleasant Nights.....

[R R H]

Haha - thanks

xxxx

[jentay1367]

You're such a gentle soul and so sweet. I wish you all the peace you so deserve. Stay well, Richard.

[SailorMars1994]

If this is who you are Richard I am so happy that you came to terms with yourself! Everyone deserves to be who they are and to live happily

Hugs-Ashley

[LizK]

Haha - thanks

xxxx

Glad you got the reference and I mean it...I wish you only the best

Liz

[R R H]

There's an update to this over here: https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,221584.msg1971161.html#msg1971161

xx

[warlockmaker]

Hi Dear, I can only give you some examples of others like you, in my Foundation to help TGs in the srs surgery. You have my private contact details and if you need to talk to someone who know both of you please contact me.

[R R H]

Thanks so much for this. I was thinking about you yesterday and wondered about dropping you a line. It's lovely that you know us both and can understand. I'll be in touch x