Hi Rachel!
Congratulations on having your consult soon, you must be very excited, even with so many other considerations in play. I am very happy to read that you are having talks with your psych docs, and an open dialogue with the woman you love. After so many recent changes, and surgical trauma, it is no wonder you are spinning, oh my!
I just wanted to chime in and also offer my empathy and support. We go through so much duress and distress on our journeys, don't we?
And I also kinda wanna pontificate, I suppose, lol, because I know many of us are, or were, tempted to attempt these changes without the guidance of proper therapists, and even the most 'sure' of us, seem to need objective and pointed interactions with professionals at the many various stages along the way. We often see newbie MTFs with T still dominating their systems manifesting T kinda attitudes and behaviors, believing that their bravado is part of their real identity. For many of those of us that have lost those little T factories, the truth about what was real and what was chemistry might have come down rather hard on us at times, leaving us feeling like we were losing something we would later need. T is a very insidious hormone, it paints internal pictures so vivid, that we sometimes believe them to be photographs. Once our T is down, and the E is up, all bets are off, suddenly our identities and objectives are in a flux. I also know, that when my E was cut for my vaginal reconstruction, in that middle ground of hormonal emptiness, I too began to waver a bit, wondering a bit if what I was about to do was really necessary. Of course, E paints a wonderful picture, too, ha ha. But as it turns out, that painting was a still life of the actual life I needed to live. Everybody is different, and we all have to sort through this quagmire of thoughts, chemicals, surgeries, and dreams. The moment I awoke after the T factories and shenis were gone, I was giddy with joy, and I knew, I knew in every fiber of my being, that my body was now 'right', even with almost zero E and P to bouy me. But that was MY experience, everybody has their own, and so we need the help of those dang therapists to help us find our own path, our own goals, our own truths.
I hope you find that kind of certainty as you move forward. There is a stillness within me now, that I had never known before. I am so glad I proceeded through the steps, and took the time to be sure, and then, when push came to shove, I jumped at the chance for happiness!
Love is a powerful motivator, but the fear of losing love, is perhaps the most powerful inhibitor we transitioners face, I know it was pretty powerful in my case.
Many safe, warm ((HUGS)) for you, girl!
Ain't none of this easy, nope..
Missy
