In my opinion, while lowering my glasses and frowning in all seriousness...

I think you're reacting in panic mode. It's not fair to put so much pressure on yourself right now, also those around you should not exert such pressure... you're just out of FFS, a major surgery and you almost died... Plus, it takes many months to feel even remotely good again emotionally. I would say: don't make any rash decisions, pace, and give it some more time. If those around don't love you now, they can and will never love you. No matter what you do. I am certain. Being someone you're not isn't healthy, nor is demanding someone else to be someone else.

Such great posts on here. Thank you so much. I concur wholeheartedly with what has been put on here including that incredibly wise one 2Cherry.

I've just had a lovely long chat with my partner. Her support is so strong and I think it helps that she and I never really had anything major apart from friendship before I had the orchiectomy. I literally wrote to her to say I loved her when I landed in Bangkok. She had been very keen on me for a long time but I couldn't reciprocate. But during those 5 years we built an incredible friendship, despite moments when I shut her out, sending literally thousands of emails, texts and voice messages to each other - often across the oceans. There was a connection there which is so strong and deep and I think that can carry us through. So she never really 'knew' me in the biblical sense as a man - just once, fleetingly. But something else, deep and long-lasting was forged that became the foundation for what has now flourished into love.

No, most of the angst is me trying to wrestle with how to deal with the situation, especially of her children but also my fear of how she will think of me post-GRS. She is so keen to reassure me on that front and I believe her. It's just all new for her. The crappy part is the way two of the children have dealt with her and the situation and I see the pain etched into her brow sometimes. Christmas Day was particularly grim when only one of the three deigned to be around her and us. It hasn't been easy.

Speaking of which, are there threads specifically about how to deal with difficult teenagers when their parent or the partner transitions?

Seems like youhave an unenviable decision to make.
Do you not go through with surgery because of it might change the way she thinks of you? Does that mean doing the surgery is a deal breaker?

Obviously her kids opinion is important, but should that sway you?

If you go through with the surgery, you're doing it for yourself. It's because you need it, can't stop thinking of it. Your desire to get rid of "it" is so overpowering that surgery must happen.

Are you having doubts about the surgery itself?

I could probably think of more questions, but the decision to have surgery...and I'll get flack for this, should be your decision.

Quote from: Rachel Richenda on January 30, 2017, 01:51:03 AM
Thanks for this: so in other words, it's easy for me to say this now but if I were to go back I'd be in a far worse state? If that's what you mean a good part of me knows that to be true. In the brief moments when I came off meds following unintentional over-dosing I was in massive depression: I couldn't live as male.

But could I live like this: not have the vaginoplasty, take some T, a little viagra () and live androgynously?

Only you can answer "Could I..."

Yes, it is possible. In fact, if your remaining male part doesn't create strong dysphoria, it's probably best to not get vaginoplasty. Testicles could be "replaced" with prosthetics if you wish, and increasing T is also an option (but probably not to cis-male levels; I'm not a dr. though).

Talk to your partner,and don't give anyone else (including her children) a say in the matter. Someone who truly loves you will want what's right for you, and even if that ends the relationship, well...you want what's best for her, yes?

Good luck!

Well she is very strongly of the opinion that I should have the surgery: that I would dislike myself if I didn't, with all the dysfunctional dysphoria that goes with it. Seriously, she has come on this journey fully aware of who I am and what this means. She flew to Thailand one week after my orchie and we holidayed together in the south: one of the most wonderful holidays of my life. And then she flew to be at my side for the FFS which was staggering.

I think this is purely projection from me about how I think she might react, which is from her point of view entirely misplaced. I can park that. But the other and in some ways much bigger angst revolves around her children and I see her pain with regard to them. That said, she has staked so much that matters in her life on this relationship. They are everything to her. But she has placed us at the centre of that and that's pretty incredible.

I just think it might have been a whole heap easier if I'd sacrificed my own happiness for theirs and therefore hers. But I guess I know that would have been totally destructive. And 2Cherry is right: it's so close to my last surgery.

x

There is a story I see repeated many times on this site and it's before T and after T. Some many people get their T levels reduced to a low level most of the time with blockers and they really forget what it was like before. In a before T environment, you wouldn't be asking theses questions. The dysphoria would be driving you so hard that the transition would be the only goal. Now that you have eliminated the T from your life, you have a much less driven view of the process. Possibly you could live a life where you have a mix but do you think her kids would forget about your past and become good little family members. I suspect now that the cat is out of the bag, they wouldn't. My opinion is that your partner needs to join you in therapy and the three of you need to work out an agreement that all are comfortable with. Possibly at some future date her children will come around if they realize that their temper tantrums are not going to drive the two of you apart but they aren't going to give up easy.

By the way, I wasn't unaffected by the loss of T either. For many years, I falsely believed that the physical correction was responsible for the loss of my dysphoria. I now understand that only after I was post surgical my T levels dropped sufficiently to remove the dysphoria. I never had regrets but I sure had some ignorance about the process.

Thank you again to everyone who has posted replies on this. I'm very lucky in having a partner who talks to me and we have shared together the insights on here which have been enormously helpful to us.

I have realised that there is no half-way house for me on this. It's easy to think I could live without my current female hormone level, to forget the terrible dysphoria I had: my hatred of body hair, my beard, my male clothes, my testicles. I took the clothes to the skip and even told Channel 4 I couldn't do a re-enactment for their documentary because to put on those clothes was impossible. When I was given a pair of lovely pink socks for Christmas I took them back because they had a 'Menswear' label. And as for the testicles ... I left them behind in Thailand

No. Or, rather, Yes. I have to continue.

My estrogen intake has nudged a touch up and I feel much better for it. Even better than that ...

My vaginoplasty consultation with Mr Thomas is now booked for the end of next month Yippee!!!!!

Rachel, I'll skip repeating my own decision threads, they're recent I'm sure you can find them..

In a nutshell, E is the essence of transition for me, second only to my need to transition socially. I'm lucky to be able to have sex using my <shenis> and I've decided that while vaginoplasty isn't the be all or end all of transition for me. However I haven't really enjoyed penetrating sex in a long time (I can count on the fingers of one hand the number of times I've orgasmed during sex in the last 3 years and that was after explicitly working towards doing that more often).

I don't think proceeding to vaginoplasty will be a mistake for you and still, only you can decide. The key thing to me is you're still gonna be a woman and her kids are gonna respond to that irrespective of what's downstairs.

I spent 40 years playing roles to please others and then another 20 actively knowing I was female and still playing a male role to get by and all it did was slowly drive me back into depression. YMMV, this is how it's worked out for me.

Quote from: Rachel Richenda on February 02, 2017, 04:38:59 AMMy estrogen intake has nudged a touch up and I feel much better for it. Even better than that ...

My vaginoplasty consultation with Mr Thomas is now booked for the end of next month Yippee!!!!!

Woo hoo!

Recently, I met a trans woman, and she hasn't done SRS yet. I started talking to her about her transition, what to expect, and suddenly, I fell in love with her. She likes me, but won't have a relationship with me, because she likes men and I'm transitionning to female. I often start thinking if I should remain a man, for her, to be with her, but ultimatelly, I know that I must transition, so she and I are just friends... But I still love her.
Sometimes, I think destiny brought us together so I could see that, no matter what, I must transition, and that fridndship is way more important than a relationship.

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Hi Rachel!

Congratulations on having your consult soon, you must be very excited, even with so many other considerations in play. I am very happy to read that you are having talks with your psych docs, and an open dialogue with the woman you love. After so many recent changes, and surgical trauma, it is no wonder you are spinning, oh my!

I just wanted to chime in and also offer my empathy and support. We go through so much duress and distress on our journeys, don't we?

And I also kinda wanna pontificate, I suppose, lol, because I know many of us are, or were, tempted to attempt these changes without the guidance of proper therapists, and even the most 'sure' of us, seem to need objective and pointed interactions with professionals at the many various stages along the way. We often see newbie MTFs with T still dominating their systems manifesting T kinda attitudes and behaviors, believing that their bravado is part of their real identity. For many of those of us that have lost those little T factories, the truth about what was real and what was chemistry might have come down rather hard on us at times, leaving us feeling like we were losing something we would later need. T is a very insidious hormone, it paints internal pictures so vivid, that we sometimes believe them to be photographs. Once our T is down, and the E is up, all bets are off, suddenly our identities and objectives are in a flux. I also know, that when my E was cut for my vaginal reconstruction, in that middle ground of hormonal emptiness, I too began to waver a bit, wondering a bit if what I was about to do was really necessary. Of course, E paints a wonderful picture, too, ha ha. But as it turns out, that painting was a still life of the actual life I needed to live. Everybody is different, and we all have to sort through this quagmire of thoughts, chemicals, surgeries, and dreams. The moment I awoke after the T factories and shenis were gone, I was giddy with joy, and I knew, I knew in every fiber of my being, that my body was now 'right', even with almost zero E and P to bouy me. But that was MY experience, everybody has their own, and so we need the help of those dang therapists to help us find our own path, our own goals, our own truths.

I hope you find that kind of certainty as you move forward. There is a stillness within me now, that I had never known before. I am so glad I proceeded through the steps, and took the time to be sure, and then, when push came to shove, I jumped at the chance for happiness!

Love is a powerful motivator, but the fear of losing love, is perhaps the most powerful inhibitor we transitioners face, I know it was pretty powerful in my case.

Many safe, warm ((HUGS)) for you, girl!

Ain't none of this easy, nope..

Missy

Relationships feel as sustaining to us as the air we breath at times, particularly primary and romantic ones like this. We are not generally creatures that do well with isolation. I want to add to what the others said here that what you are feeling is completely natural.

At other times those relationships are complicated and even burdensome. Sometimes they go back and fourth between the extremes. Love is truly crazy but awesome. The fear of loss definitely is a motivator that makes you do sometimes unreasonable things.

When i find i am in these sort of moments i always try and slow everything down. Not always possible, but it helps me from jumping around to conclusions etc.

Quote from: MissGendered on February 06, 2017, 05:55:31 PM
Hi Rachel!

Congratulations on having your consult soon, you must be very excited, even with so many other considerations in play. I am very happy to read that you are having talks with your psych docs, and an open dialogue with the woman you love. After so many recent changes, and surgical trauma, it is no wonder you are spinning, oh my!

I just wanted to chime in and also offer my empathy and support. We go through so much duress and distress on our journeys, don't we?

And I also kinda wanna pontificate, I suppose, lol, because I know many of us are, or were, tempted to attempt these changes without the guidance of proper therapists, and even the most 'sure' of us, seem to need objective and pointed interactions with professionals at the many various stages along the way. We often see newbie MTFs with T still dominating their systems manifesting T kinda attitudes and behaviors, believing that their bravado is part of their real identity. For many of those of us that have lost those little T factories, the truth about what was real and what was chemistry might have come down rather hard on us at times, leaving us feeling like we were losing something we would later need. T is a very insidious hormone, it paints internal pictures so vivid, that we sometimes believe them to be photographs. Once our T is down, and the E is up, all bets are off, suddenly our identities and objectives are in a flux. I also know, that when my E was cut for my vaginal reconstruction, in that middle ground of hormonal emptiness, I too began to waver a bit, wondering a bit if what I was about to do was really necessary. Of course, E paints a wonderful picture, too, ha ha. But as it turns out, that painting was a still life of the actual life I needed to live. Everybody is different, and we all have to sort through this quagmire of thoughts, chemicals, surgeries, and dreams. The moment I awoke after the T factories and shenis were gone, I was giddy with joy, and I knew, I knew in every fiber of my being, that my body was now 'right', even with almost zero E and P to bouy me. But that was MY experience, everybody has their own, and so we need the help of those dang therapists to help us find our own path, our own goals, our own truths.

I hope you find that kind of certainty as you move forward. There is a stillness within me now, that I had never known before. I am so glad I proceeded through the steps, and took the time to be sure, and then, when push came to shove, I jumped at the chance for happiness!

Love is a powerful motivator, but the fear of losing love, is perhaps the most powerful inhibitor we transitioners face, I know it was pretty powerful in my case.

Many safe, warm ((HUGS)) for you, girl!

Ain't none of this easy, nope..

Missy

What a fantastic post. Thank you so so much. These words feel inadequate for expressing my appreciation for the thoughts you have shared Missy. Wow. xx

Quote from: RobynD on February 06, 2017, 06:40:26 PM
Relationships feel as sustaining to us as the air we breath at times, particularly primary and romantic ones like this. We are not generally creatures that do well with isolation. I want to add to what the others said here that what you are feeling is completely natural.

At other times those relationships are complicated and even burdensome. Sometimes they go back and fourth between the extremes. Love is truly crazy but awesome. The fear of loss definitely is a motivator that makes you do sometimes unreasonable things.

When i find i am in these sort of moments i always try and slow everything down. Not always possible, but it helps me from jumping around to conclusions etc.

And likewise Robyn. That point about slowing down is so true and important. Thank you and to others who have shared on here.

xx

I've expected as long as I've understood being transgender that if I have GCS I'd have some regrets and a part of me will miss the shenis. Most recently that was confirmed by someone I know and respect saying yes she realized after a long path to post op transition, she sometimes misses "it".

For 15 years I've lived with my fear of regrets keeping me from hrt or GCS. I'm pretty sure that was first fueled by reading (I think it was) Kate Bornstein on realizing post op that she didn't fit in the binary female either.

Now I know some of the things I've feared weren't real. For instance a year on estrogen:

• even though I haven't been training especially hard I have not lost muscle strength
• Clearly a fair bit of my breasts growth is now permanent, no regrets, just realizing
• my relationship will survive transition but if that changes it will be ok

My therapist sent me my approval letter last week. I think it's fitting that as I completed the year of RLE I had a really difficult month 12&13. It's just not been easy and while I've waited longer than I'd wanted for her to draft it I've known it's just a formality now. I'm decided and know I'll have more regrets if I don't proceed.

Something I thought I would share is that my first words as I came to from the orchiectomy were, 'I LOVE Thailand'' and then I sent a message to my partner saying, 'I feel F A N T A S T I C.'

It's easy to think it's possible to go back and be content, but the reality is very different.

Post surgery depression is common and passes with time. Counseling is a great idea if you feel the need for help with dealing with these issues. It's normal and will pass as your hormones stabilize!

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Hi dear, Call me when you can. I saw this coming when I saw you two together.

Hi my love. Oh dear, did you?    I will do but I love her soooooooo much. She constantly reassures me that I must continue with the transition: that a happy me is a happy us.

In the meantime I've been on BBC1 speaking about my transition:

As you can tell, voice training has only just started  Absolutely delighted with the facial work though.

Well...first thing...can I just applaud you for your composure and also the lady from Mermaids sitting beside you. Some of those people were just Jerks!!! I know the face of the lady in red behind you. Can't think where...anyway I certainly think the conservatives got much traction

The liberal guy was obviously talking about some current legislation but he was trying to say leave it to businesses and they will be ok...glad you got him on that one.

Overall the conservative lady sounded desperate and of course we had the obligatory TERF needling away.

Your voice sounded pretty good to me and they way you held and handled yourself looked naturally nervous...just like any other Gal you spoke with feeling and Authority...your voice has a really genuine sound.

I don't know if this is how you dress typically for you, but smart casual in those colors gave you an air of authority.

Great work

Liz