Fear and heartbreak over losing my partner if I come out

[ColoTex2890]

You have a 20 years of emotional baggage also corrupting your mind. It is nearly impossible to separate a lifetime of Shame, Guilt, and Internalized Transphobia from the reality of who you are. A you that you have no really good what you are from always living up to others expectations. It took me a lot of hard work between reading a ton of self help books, tossing others to the side after seeing it wasn't speaking to Me. Seeing a therapist helped a little. My best therapy came from my TG Support Group. I was totally floored my first few meetings being in a room filled with others whose life stories and feelings almost mirrored my own. By the end of the 3rd meeting I knew it was almost too late to tell my wife what was up and still stand a chance of saving the relationship.

This is all very true for me as well. I think my past experiences were so negative with regard to my cross gender behavior that it caused me to deeply repress many things. I have a traumatic past without even bringing the gender issues into it, but when you add that to it it's easy to see how this is all playing out so badly. I feel I've created a disaster for myself by not being more honest and trying to stick more firmly to what I've known to be true. I allowed the opinions of others to decide what I did with my life and what paths I've taken, and that is partly because of other issues stemming from the traumatic childhood I mentioned. There is much to work on before I can comfortably come out and maintain the courage of my convictions.

[ColoTex2890]

Hi ColoTex2890,

I'm in a similar situation to yours. I'm living as a gay man, feeling I'm MTF, and haven't told my boyfriend of 2 years that lives with me...It's hard. I went through this already with an ex boyfriend, came out to him, and to my mom, just to face negative reactions from both of them (which I completely understand, they weren't being "bad" it was just something very difficult for them to cope). Those reactions have prevented me from coming out to my current BF and my mom again.

This is how I feel, in a nutshell: You and I have to choose between living our lives as who we really are or staying with the person we are now. I know both things won't go together in my case cuz he's a gay man so he's exclusively attracted to other men. He would never be attracted to me as a woman and I understand that. If your boyfriend is 100% gay then it's very likely your situation will be the same. We just have to accept it and make a decision.

In my case I'm almost sure we will break up at some point and I will continue my journey. The real question is when.

You are indeed in a very similar situation. I made the mistake of marrying the guy, though I love him more than anything but I don't think I love him more than myself. I don't know if this is true for you, but for me my finances are so deeply entangled with his that it creates an additional obstacle to transitioning. It's not that I can't live without him financially but my lifestyle will be far more modest and transition costs will be much harder to meet. What I'm grappling with at this moment is also just the logistics of making this happen. I'm in school part time so there's a little extra money from that. It's just so hard to face that my world is going to change so completely and that some people are going to be gone from it forever.

[Gertrude]

The question I've asked my wife is, do you love me because of my gender or who I am? For some, the social indoctrination is very strong and the fear of ostracism is strong too. I think for a lot of us, being an outsider is the norm on some level. We know we are not like the vast majority of people and at some point the desire for authenticity exceeds any fear we have of social ostracism. With relationships with non-blood relatives, it's a choice, so the ties aren't as deep, so priorities of why you're together are different and based on socialization, can lead to a variety of outcomes. I think that situations like this bring to attention the basic problems with the human race. Albert Ellis called it musterbation, which is, I must behave a certain way to be acceptable to others, others must behave a certain way to be acceptable to me and the world must be a certain way to be acceptable to me (or a group). This leads to all sorts of problems.


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[Charlie Nicki]

You are indeed in a very similar situation. I made the mistake of marrying the guy, though I love him more than anything but I don't think I love him more than myself. I don't know if this is true for you, but for me my finances are so deeply entangled with his that it creates an additional obstacle to transitioning. It's not that I can't live without him financially but my lifestyle will be far more modest and transition costs will be much harder to meet. What I'm grappling with at this moment is also just the logistics of making this happen. I'm in school part time so there's a little extra money from that. It's just so hard to face that my world is going to change so completely and that some people are going to be gone from it forever.

Thankfully I don't depend financially on my boyfriend so this wouldn't be a problem for me. But from what you say, it seems like you could be fine without him, you'll just have to cut some expenses.

[ColoTex2890]

Thankfully I don't depend financially on my boyfriend so this wouldn't be a problem for me. But from what you say, it seems like you could be fine without him, you'll just have to cut some expenses.

I think if I lived extremely frugally I could make it work just barely. I won't lie the emotional pain of losing him will be intense so I think part of me is avoiding all of this just on instinct. I have been doing a lot of thinking and I think I have come close to a resolution that in the next few years I will come out and start the process. I have to make sure my ducks are well lined up though because I suspect that once I tell him the urgency to end the marriage and move on will be strong. I wish to god he would stay with me and at least try but I know he won't. I'm also not looking forward to dealing with my family's reaction. My sister is a lesbian and questioned her gender identity at one point so she gets it and is 100% supportive. My parents however...dad is very conservative due to a combination of age and his own particular cultural background, and Mom is fairly liberal but when I came out to her last year she was devastated to the point of it being painful for me. She kept saying she felt like her child was dying. So I've realized that money isn't the major issue here, I think if I save up my money over the next 1.5-2 years I could probably comfortable cover most transition costs. It's the emotional upheaval this will cause that is frightening me so much. Someone told me once to be prepared to lose everything by transitioning and I guess they really weren't kidding.

[Charlie Nicki]

I think if I lived extremely frugally I could make it work just barely. I won't lie the emotional pain of losing him will be intense so I think part of me is avoiding all of this just on instinct. I have been doing a lot of thinking and I think I have come close to a resolution that in the next few years I will come out and start the process. I have to make sure my ducks are well lined up though because I suspect that once I tell him the urgency to end the marriage and move on will be strong. I wish to god he would stay with me and at least try but I know he won't. I'm also not looking forward to dealing with my family's reaction. My sister is a lesbian and questioned her gender identity at one point so she gets it and is 100% supportive. My parents however...dad is very conservative due to a combination of age and his own particular cultural background, and Mom is fairly liberal but when I came out to her last year she was devastated to the point of it being painful for me. She kept saying she felt like her child was dying. So I've realized that money isn't the major issue here, I think if I save up my money over the next 1.5-2 years I could probably comfortable cover most transition costs. It's the emotional upheaval this will cause that is frightening me so much. Someone told me once to be prepared to lose everything by transitioning and I guess they really weren't kidding.

Since we are on similar situations, I want to give you an update on mine that might make you feel better. I came out to my gay brother (who is supportive, he basically doesn't care) and...to my boyfriend. Surprisingly he was suuuuper supportive as well, basically told me that my happiness is the most important thing and that he wants to be a part of the process as much as he can, that even though at some point we'll have to end the relationship he wants to be there as much as he can and he's not going away now. His response was great... very positive and very realistic at the same time. I'm at peace and know that whenever we have to break up, it'll be amicable. You can do it too if you want more details feel free to PM me.

[Wednesday]

Since we are on similar situations, I want to give you an update on mine that might make you feel better. I came out to my gay brother (who is supportive, he basically doesn't care) and...to my boyfriend. Surprisingly he was suuuuper supportive as well, basically told me that my happiness is the most important thing and that he wants to be a part of the process as much as he can, that even though at some point we'll have to end the relationship he wants to be there as much as he can and he's not going away now. His response was great... very positive and very realistic at the same time. I'm at peace and know that whenever we have to break up, it'll be amicable. You can do it too if you want more details feel free to PM me.

OMG Im so glad to read this!!! Go rock it!

[Charlie Nicki]

OMG Im so glad to read this!!! Go rock it!

Thank you!


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[Amy Chislett]

Have you tried talking to him about specific bedroom fantasies, e.g., crossdressing or even gender neutral clothing; just to gauge his reaction?
I never was able to get that far with my other of 4 yrs.  I am not sure where we stand. 
How long  have you wanted to transition?  Have you thought of what the world will be like in the 20s and how you may fit into that picture?

[ColoTex2890]

Hey it's me again lol. I thought I'd check back in to give y'all an update on my situation since I never really posted again. So right now I've decided not to transition for now, or at least to put it off indefinitely. Not necessarily because I don't want to do it but because financially it just isn't possible and as far as things go with my husband (we are now married) I am not yet willing to lose him over my desire to transition, at least not yet. I do still identify as female and I guess internally nothing has really changed but for now I'm trying to make the best of where I am in life at this moment and take it one day at a time. It is difficult day to day but I've lived for 27 years in this role I play to the world as a man and I can deal with it if it means not blowing up everything else I care about in my life. Now if down the road this situation becomes unlivable for me then I will be forced to take steps to change it and I may decide to pursue transition, but as it stands I am OK where I am, even if that means I'm not 100 percent where I would like to be.

[ColoTex2890]

Since we are on similar situations, I want to give you an update on mine that might make you feel better. I came out to my gay brother (who is supportive, he basically doesn't care) and...to my boyfriend. Surprisingly he was suuuuper supportive as well, basically told me that my happiness is the most important thing and that he wants to be a part of the process as much as he can, that even though at some point we'll have to end the relationship he wants to be there as much as he can and he's not going away now. His response was great... very positive and very realistic at the same time. I'm at peace and know that whenever we have to break up, it'll be amicable. You can do it too if you want more details feel free to PM me.

That's great to hear! I'm glad it went well for you.

[LizK]

Hey it's me again lol. I thought I'd check back in to give y'all an update on my situation since I never really posted again. So right now I've decided not to transition for now, or at least to put it off indefinitely. Not necessarily because I don't want to do it but because financially it just isn't possible and as far as things go with my husband (we are now married) I am not yet willing to lose him over my desire to transition, at least not yet. I do still identify as female and I guess internally nothing has really changed but for now I'm trying to make the best of where I am in life at this moment and take it one day at a time. It is difficult day to day but I've lived for 27 years in this role I play to the world as a man and I can deal with it if it means not blowing up everything else I care about in my life. Now if down the road this situation becomes unlivable for me then I will be forced to take steps to change it and I may decide to pursue transition, but as it stands I am OK where I am, even if that means I'm not 100 percent where I would like to be.

Hi ColoTex2890

Congratulations on your new marriage I hope you are spectacularly happy 

Transition is not going to make everyone happy, nor fulfil all their needs and we all have to work out for ourselves where we go. It is a great feeling to be newly married and in love, I wish you nothing but happiness, good times and years of it.

Liz

[Charlie Nicki]

That's great to hear! I'm glad it went well for you.

Thank you. I wish you peace and happiness for the path you decided to take whatever you decide to do, your happiness is what counts the most.