Not dealing well with staring and snickers

[TigerLilyNYC]

Does this happen to most of us where we catch people staring, sneering or snickering (sorry for the alliteration). I simply cannot ignore it and it never ends. Thanks for any input!

[Cheyanne]

Haven't dealt with sneering or snickering yet, but people do look. I just tell myself that it's normal for women to recieve more attention than men. It's not something I'm used too and sure that may not be the reason people look, but I try to not dwell on the negative and convince myself otherwise.

Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-N920A using Tapatalk

[Mia]

I used to be a direct eye contact, confident guy. After I transitioned I had a terrible time dealing with the behaviors you're talking about, and so over many months I've become the epitome of the eyes-averted, demure woman. Having said that, I still have never felt so happy and at home in my new persona.

[big kim]

Never been afraid to ask what's your problem & do want to make one with me wanker?

[Floof]

Yea I'm right with ya, I made a whole thing about this myself only a few days ago. I can handle people looking a bit, and I can handle the moment of confusion in people I strike up conversation with for whatever reason.. But the people who really stare, whisper among themselves, point and giggle.. I can't handle it! Just want to be left alone to do this most awkward phase of my transition, why can't people just mind their own business?!

I suppose we'll just have to be strong and try to rise above it.. Or get down and dirty by confronting them, I'm not sure what the better course of action is. I know I'm too much of a shy coward to be confrontational so I'm likely to just flee the situation like I do now .

Ohw, and then there are the people looking cause they like you.. I don't know if this has ever happened to me, but I DO know that I have never ever considered it as a reason someone was looking. It's hard to think that about oneself.

[Jess1701]

I've been there. I would get people staring, and sometimes outright laughter. I just ended up not caring what other people say or do. Usually directly staring at them is enough to make them break eye contact and move on. Sometimes it has taken me asking them what "their" issue is. People are people and feel the need to "elevate" their status and either make others feel uncomfortable or be just plain rude. Don't let it get to you. But just be aware of what's going on around you.

[julia-madrid]

Hi TigerLily

If that's you in your avatar pic, I'm asking what might be provoking the behaviour in others, because you look pretty good.

In my mentoring activities I've seen that it's often important to dress appropriately - like no pink hair, fishnets or crazy heels.  There are ways that clothes can work to your advantage or strong disadvantage.  And of course, a deep voice really doesn't help, but some hard work can improve that a lot.

What, specifically, can you think of that might be causing people to react as they do.

There is another strand here:  many transwomen who simply can't disappear just don't care - they're proud, avoid the silly people, and engage courteously with those who show positive curiosity.   Not a panacea, but maybe something that would help you?

Regards
Julia

[Denise]

If that's you in your avatar pic, I'm asking what might be provoking the behaviour in others, because you look pretty good.
...

I agree with Julia here.  If that's a picture of you in the avatar I think it's something you're doing or wearing that is out of the norm.  The key is "don't be noticed."  One other possibility is height?  Are you really tall? 

It's also possible that you are over sensitive and they are not snickering... at you.

Edit: Confidence is also key.  Look like you own "it".  Be proud of who you are.  Stand up straight, shoulders back, chin up and smile. 

[TigerLilyNYC]

Hi TigerLily

If that's you in your avatar pic, I'm asking what might be provoking the behaviour in others, because you look pretty good.

In my mentoring activities I've seen that it's often important to dress appropriately - like no pink hair, fishnets or crazy heels.  There are ways that clothes can work to your advantage or strong disadvantage.  And of course, a deep voice really doesn't help, but some hard work can improve that a lot.

What, specifically, can you think of that might be causing people to react as they do.

There is another strand here:  many transwomen who simply can't disappear just don't care - they're proud, avoid the silly people, and engage courteously with those who show positive curiosity.   Not a panacea, but maybe something that would help you?

Regards
Julia

Thanks for your note, Julia!
I dress pretty conservatively and try very hard not to draw attention to myself. I think it's my forehead. It really is quite strong with the bossing. So I am shopping around for PS's. I think fixing that will help externally and internally

[TigerLilyNYC]

I agree with Julia here.  If that's a picture of you in the avatar I think it's something you're doing or wearing that is out of the norm.  The key is "don't be noticed."  One other possibility is height?  Are you really tall? 

It's also possible that you are over sensitive and they are not snickering... at you.

Edit: Confidence is also key.  Look like you own "it".  Be proud of who you are.  Stand up straight, shoulders back, chin up and smile.

Thanks Denise! Good advice! I am only 5'8'm which isn't that tall. And I do try to blend in. I need forehead contouring and then I think I will blend much better.

[Ubiq]

If you're also living in NYC, the place can be really brutal in terms of its excessive focus on appearance, causing us to assign all kinds of issues to ourselves that aren't even legitimate. Since your profile pic shows me a beautiful young woman, I'm guessing that they may have been laughing possibly at something else - your choice of clothing, or something else that's relatively "normal". I've experienced the random laughing/snickering even as a perfectly normal-looking person, especially in my school days.

[julia-madrid]

Hi TigerLily

Yes - the bossing is one of the big annoyances!  Facial Team did a great job for me - their Marbella team.  Question:  have you considered wearing your hair with a long fringe down to your eyebrows?   

xxx
J

[TigerLilyNYC]

Hi TigerLily

Yes - the bossing is one of the big annoyances!  Facial Team did a great job for me - their Marbella team.  Question:  have you considered wearing your hair with a long fringe down to your eyebrows?   

xxx
J

Good for you! I have a consult next week with Dr Lee. If you have any info on him, I'd appreciate it! And yes I do try the side bangs thing. its the dang forehead still makes itself known!

[TigerLilyNYC]

If you're also living in NYC, the place can be really brutal in terms of its excessive focus on appearance, causing us to assign all kinds of issues to ourselves that aren't even legitimate. Since your profile pic shows me a beautiful young woman, I'm guessing that they may have been laughing possibly at something else - your choice of clothing, or something else that's relatively "normal". I've experienced the random laughing/snickering even as a perfectly normal-looking person, especially in my school days.

Yep I live in NYC, and ur right it's brutal! Also spent two months in India. They laugh in your face. So that was fun 🙃

[Rachel]

I see a beautiful woman in the avatar. I do what Mia suggested.

[Sofie L]

I was astounded by the stares when I started to wear my hair longer and carry a feminine shoulder bag. I knew it was coming but I didn't think it'd be so blatant. Also, I've noticed a difference in the expressions of men and women who I catch staring. The men, in many instance, have an unnerving look in their eye - very unfriendly - while most of the woman express a look of compassion or a faint smile.

[TigerLilyNYC]

I was astounded by the stares when I started to wear my hair longer and carry a feminine shoulder bag. I knew it was coming but I didn't think it'd be so blatant. Also, I've noticed a difference in the expressions of men and women who I catch staring. The men, in many instance, have an unnerving look in their eye - very unfriendly - while most of the woman express a look of compassion or a faint smile.

Yes and didn't their mothers teach not to stare?? People!

[Amy1988]

Does this happen to most of us where we catch people staring, sneering or snickering (sorry for the alliteration). I simply cannot ignore it and it never ends. Thanks for any input!

Fortunately I blend well so no one even notices me. The thing that scares the hell out of me though is when dudes start flirting.  I get out of that situation as fast as I can.  Every once in a while I'll get flirts from other girls.  I like those.

[Floof]

Fortunately I blend well so no one even notices me. The thing that scares the hell out of me though is when dudes start flirting.  I get out of that situation as fast as I can.  Every once in a while I'll get flirts from other girls.  I like those.

A man in his 40s tried flirting with me in a bar, opening with his astute observation that i was 'one of those' -implying transwoman- and how he found it quite sexy.. That is the only flirtation i have been exposed to since i went full time, not very encouraging! 

[JoanneB]

Back in my early 20's I had two totally catastrophic transitioning tests (I do not apologize for alliterations). I was 6ft, Big boned, deeper then average male voice, in a world and time filled with the average woman being 5'6 and guys about 5'10. Oh, and we are talking the late 70's. NOT remotely a gay friendly time, much less T remotely knowing what trans was beyond a drag-queen. I got a lot of the stares and snickers. Teens, especially the girls are THE WORSE knowing they are essentially bullet-proof from any retaliation.

Today my experiences of being out in the real world as the real me are far different. Stares I take as a confirmation of my last mirror experience; "Pretty good looking for an lady".  No snickers at all from what I am aware of. And believe me I am hyper aware of such things after being a fat, stuttering four-eyed, knuckle dragging, mouth breathing "Target" all of my childhood and later in life.

From your avatar I cannot see why or how you can be getting clocked. I always go out of my way to present as unambiguously female as possible. Loving girlie-girl helps, but I also do jeans and cute tops. The entire look goes into the first impression you make. That also includes body language and demeanor.  Plus, there is "Situational Awareness". Are you in places or situations that may bring out the worse (or truth) in some people?