Accepting myself as trans; what to do and how?

[hiddengirl]

(Disclaimer: I might get lost in thoughts so I'm sorry if something doesn't make much sense. Also, I'm new, so let me know if I did something wrong.)

As far as anyone knows or cares, I'm a normal 16 year old boy. I thought that too, until about a year ago. But I'm not.

In March/April 2016, I saw some pictures of people transitioning, and looking at them made me feel weird, in a good sort of way. At one point I thought "Hey, maybe I'm trans?". Firstly, I tried to deny it. I basically went through 5 stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and, as of not long ago, acceptance. That being said, I still felt depressed and dysphorical all the time. Despite that, I had no problems, I was an excellent student, but now I'm becoming more lonely and my grades got way worse. My parents are concerned. They blame it all on puberty, but they think there might be another issue (which is true, but coming out as trans is not something easy). At one point, my father said "If you have any problem; if anyone is bullying you or anything, just tell us". Then I realized: the time has come. I have to come out.

My parents are not transphobic at all, but I'm still EXTREMELY anxious. When is the appropriate moment? What should I tell them? They probably won't know what I want to do about my dysphoria, but I don't know either.

I don't want to become too masculine before starting transition, but I also don't want to be infertile all my life. I think that was my number one reason for denial. I thought I'd have to do SRS, which I'm not sure about. Later I realized HRT also causes infertility and I don't know what to do.

Also, where I live, people are extremely prejudiced; many people explicitly hate LGBT folks. I'm not sure if I could live a comfortable life after transitioning, or any life for that matter, because of the transmisogyny here. And some of that transmisogyny got transferred to me. Sometimes I (subconsciously) feel like when I become a woman, I'll become inferior. I don't know how to get over that.

So, any help would be appreciated regarding:
1. Transmisogyny and internalized transmisogyny
2. Transitioning and fertility

and especially:
3. Coming out

Cheers

[Dena]

Welcome to Susan's Place. You have a number of questions and the answers are very personal. Your values will determine the correct answers for you. I would suggest you come out to your parents and explain that you don't have all the answers but you need to see a gender therapist to explore your questions. I knew pretty well where I wanted to go at 13 but I had almost no social life for friends to influence my world view. I suspect you may be more popular than I was so you are playing the balancing act between the life you have and the life you desire.

I suggest you speak to your parents as soon as possible as it's affecting your grades. I didn't make the connection for a long time and I somewhat regret not having a different outcome with my school years.

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[MeTony]

Welcome!

Dena had some good advice to you. I also believe talking to your parents is very important. They are your closest support. Even if you decide to wait with HRT until you can move to your own place. Talking to a therapist is also very important.

[Elis]

In regards to coming out I believe it's best to send an email; that way you can get all your thoughts in order. Start with how you feel now about your assigned gender; how you felt about it in the past and your plans going forward. Then include helpful links to better help your parents understand.

When it comes to internalized trans misogyny  I must admit I still have a bit of this. It helps to remind myself that being trans has been proven scientifically to be something medical rather than mental. Which means I'm not crazy; just was accidentally given to much T in the womb which caused my brain to be wired male not female. Similar to being born intersex.

As for fertility you could look into freezing sperm. It would probably take a few years of taking estrogen for your fertility to be severely affected; if you can't afford to go that route now. When deciding to take hormones you have to weigh up the pros and cons. Like cis people it's unlikely you'll like all the changes hormones bring. But if most of the changes will improve your mood just slightly or if your dysphoria is too much to cope with; HRT is the best treatment.

[Vincent J]

It's always going to be very nerve-wrecking when you decide to come out. When I first did it, I came out to my siblings first to see how they'd take it. If you have any siblings, especially if one may be closer to you than the others, try telling them first. If no siblings, try telling a friend you can trust. Once you tell someone, even if it isn't your parents right away, you will feel a whole lot better and it may help you feel less tension when you decide you can tell your parents.
As for the community where you live, I'd say when the step of telling your parents is done is when they may be able to help you with that situation; they probably know the area better than I do. Just try to keep some courage, because if this really means a lot, (and I'm sure it does) don't stay in the body you are uncomfortable with for the rest of your life! You obviously feel strongly in this so don't let the nervous feelings over power your gender identity.
As for fertility, if you really want kids in the future - you'd have to save some of your sperm via.. a sperm bank I think? Not so positive on that, but I do know it is possible for you to save it, and that may help you with having a child in the future.
As for transitioning in general: Once you have your parents know, finding a good gender therapist is a good start. From there, they can diagnose you with gender dysphoria and eventually find you a doctor who could get your started on hormones and such. And much further down the line, will be surgery.

[Britt116]

Hey, I know that I am replying a little late but I am going through almost the exact same thing and I am the same age as you. The biggest difference is that I realized this 3 years ago. Before I even knew the word transgender, I knew I wanted to be a girl. I am in the same situation as you though because people at my school are homophobic and that is one of the barriers for me. Like you, my parents would accept me but I am not in a social position to come out. Anyways, you should message me personally. I would love to know where you're at and seeing as we are in the same situation, I think we might be able to help each other.

[elkie-t]

Go to a doctor ASAP. There's a drug that postpones puberty, maybe 16 isn't too late, I don't know. But if you can avoid your voice broken into male, and your face hair grow a lot, you will appreciate it later would you decide to transition. And if not, you just stop taking that drug and let the nature finish its job without any consequences (no infertility or anything)...

But it is essential to start taking it before changes happened.