Quit HRT or not dilemma

[solar00000]

Hi

I'm facing a dilemma in my life but first I shall try to give a summary of my situation.
I am born as a male (now 45).  And I always had a very happy marriage with my wife without kids.(since 1997)
I never identified myself as either male or female. In fact,  I never cared about my gender identity.
Although I sometimes had fantasies about being a woman,   I never felt discomfort or any urge to transition.
Until at the age of 39 in 2010 a pretty bad midlife crisis took control of me.  I was always a sweet en gentle person,  loving my wife with all my heart and soul .   But the crisis turned me in a self centered monster.   Blaming my wife for preventing me to find myself.   Slowly our marriage crumbled.    We had counselling,  I took anti depressants.  But nothing helped me.
I felt rage and pain inside and all I wanted is to stop it.  In 2012 I began to suspect that my gender identity could have been the cause of this. 
In 2015 I came out and told my wife I wanted to transition.   In my country it takes many sessions and interviews before getting diagnosed with genderdysphoria .   I wanted to went through with this process to determine if it was really true.
And since March 2016 I began to go out in public as a female  (luckily I was kind of androgynous,  so I was able to make myself passable)
In September 2016 many tests and interviews later I was diagnosed with genderdysphoria which opened the way towards further treatment.
In November I started with HRT.  Androcur and Estrogen patches.  And in about six weeks my feelings of dysphoria are almost gone.
Now I found my old self back basically the one who I was before my crisis.  But with one difference.  My body is starting to change because of the HRT which by itself makes me feel happy.  I also had my facial hair removed during 2015-2016.
At work I dress androgynous but for the rest I dress feminine (skinny jeans,  female t-shirt and sneakers.  But not too much,  no dresses and rarely a skirt)  I wear light makeup,  just enough to be passable. And long hair,  but I always had long hair since I was 20


Yet,   I lost the love of my wife,  and that pain is consuming me almost every day.  We still live together as friends and she is even willing to forgive me for my misbehaviour during my crisis.  But she does not want a woman as love partner.   The path to rebuilding the wonderful marriage we once had is blocked by the fact that I am transitioning.
Without her love I feel as if I lost my soul.   The HRT brought back my inner peace and the fact that my masculinity is slowly fading does make me happy.  But I lost everything else making me doubt if it's worth it.
I often think about quitting HRT in an attempt to win her back,  but I'm scared that my crisis will return when I do.
I really don't know what to do, chances to get her back become slimmer  the more feminine I become.  Deep within I want to carry on with my transition but my desire to get her back is stronger.  Yet if my crisis returns when I quit HRT.  I will probably lose myself again.


Any advice is welcome

Blue

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[AnonyMs]

Its quite typical for dysphoria to disappear on HRT, and isn't that really the point of it? I stopped a number of times, but always had to start again. Eventually I just gave up when and stayed on it. It wasn't very pleasant, but at least I know for sure now that its not possible to survive without it.

[Deborah]

Lots of us have had that experience and have stopped HRT at one time.  Without fail, the dysphoria comes back worse than it was before.  I think that is because you then know for sure what will stop it and knowing just makes it more stressful.

So, you may need to try the experiment for yourself but be prepared for a pretty hasty reversion to the bad feelings.


It is better to be hated for what you are than to be loved for what you are not.
André Gide, Autumn Leaves

[KathyLauren]

I am sorry to hear about the dilemma you find yourself in.  It's not uncommon, but it must be difficult.  I sympathize with your grief over the apparent loss of your relationship. 

If you quit HRT now, the dysphoria will almost certainly come back.  That seems to be a universal experience: it just won't go away without some degree of transition.

If you quit now and de-transition, will your wife come back to you?  She knows your situation, and she knows the steps you have taken so far.  Do you think you can convince her that it was all a delusion?  And what will it mean for your relationship that you were capable of that "delusion" if you do convince her?  You could go through the pain of de-transitioning and the return of the dysphoria, and still not have her back.

It is a tough situation, and I don't envy you your choice.  Good luck, whichever way you choose.

[staciM]

Its quite typical for dysphoria to disappear on HRT, and isn't that really the point of it?

I agree with this.  HRT is suppose to be an element in helping with dysphoria and hopefully you get to a point where being trans and your gender isn't a thing in your head anymore.  IMO, forgetting about it and just living is a GOOD thing.

[Sophia Sage]

If she doesn't want to be lovers with the real you, with your authentic true self, then she no longer loves you in that way.  And to try and go back would take being false.  It wouldn't be a real relationship, but one built on a lie.  And such relationships are doomed from the start, because you aren't actually relating, you're just pretending.  No one wants that.

Let go, honey, and let her move on as well. 

[Dena]

To add another wrinkle blocking the testosterone with the Androcur is mostly responsible for the change in your feelings. You could continue the Androcur and go to a very low dosage of estrogen and not have the discomfort return. That would slow but not stop the changes to your body. In my country, that is a treatment option for those who are still exploring their feelings. As your gender program seems to be far more rigid, it may not be an option for you.

I really don't think quitting HRT is an option for us. The feeling that drove us to this point will return so we only have the options of a slow or fast transition.

[solar00000]

If she doesn't want to be lovers with the real you, with your authentic true self, then she no longer loves you in that way.  And to try and go back would take being false.  It wouldn't be a real relationship, but one built on a lie.  And such relationships are doomed from the start, because you aren't actually relating, you're just pretending.  No one wants that.

Let go, honey, and let her move on as well.

But the problem is, that now that my feelings of dysphoria are pretty much gone because of the HRT,  I'm getting doubts about what my authentic true self actually is.  I know that being a typical male feels wrong but I wonder if I really am a female.    I could be non-binary but it's still clear to me that I am not a male. 

And that's what my wife wants ,  she wants a man,  who is convinced that he is a man,  she is okay with a somewhat androgynous appearance (she fell for me because of my long hair after all)  But it has to be clearly a man that acts and thinks as a man.


For me it's hard to understand because I believe that gender is irrelevant when it comes to true love. (I classify myself as Pansexual when it comes to orientation)  My wife is more or less bi-curious,  but strictly hetero when it comes to romantic love.

[JoanneB]

Several times early in my transitioning I tried stopping HRT. I was feeling good. I got this trans stuff beat this. I grew a lot as a person. I have to stop this silliness now before my wife starts to flip out over the physical changes. Within a week and no longer then a month later I was back on HRT. I very quickly started to slip back into that old miserable wretch of a person I was. Worse yet, the joy I was starting to feel disappeared.

Several times early in my transitioning as my wife and I talked and she told me once again "I did not marry a woman" " I like what men have and how they make me feel" and other things letting me know she may not be able to share this journey with me as a wife. Friends... maybe. Dropping the T-Bomb was hard enough for her. I knew when I started HRT this is a whole new level of dealing with my GD. During talks like these I said to her "I can stop this if you need me to". Her response then and still to this day is "You know you cannot. You need to see where this will lead"

It's been about 7 years now. Our love for eachother is even greater thanks to how much better of a person I am today. She cannot think of me as a husband. Even difficult to see me as a man though I still live and present primarily as male. Just the other day she was looking out the window and wondering what neighbor was out there scraping the ice off the sidewalks at 6:00 AM. She saw it wasn't Joanne. She didn't see me.

What has been done or said cannot be undone or unsaid. Your wife, perhaps like mine, can not see or think of you as a man. It's even more difficult to when she is jealous of your breasts. My life arguably can be far less complicated if I wasn't actually taking steps to manage my GD. I have no doubt what my life would be like if I didn't.

My worse nightmare is reverting back to that lifeless, soulless, THING I used to be.

[Sophia Sage]

But the problem is, that now that my feelings of dysphoria are pretty much gone because of the HRT,  I'm getting doubts about what my authentic true self actually is.  I know that being a typical male feels wrong but I wonder if I really am a female. I could be non-binary but it's still clear to me that I am not a male.

And that's what my wife wants ,  she wants a man,  who is convinced that he is a man,  she is okay with a somewhat androgynous appearance (she fell for me because of my long hair after all)  But it has to be clearly a man that acts and thinks as a man.

Perhaps you are feeling euphoric on HRT because it helps you to gender yourself as female. Or at least to stop gendering yourself as male.  Anyways, yes, you still have quite a bit of self-exploration to do. 

But, again, you say it's clear to you that you are not male regardless, but your wife wants someone who is male. This is an inconsistency!  She is going to be pressing you to stay as the person she thought you were.  And it's extremely unlikely that who she thought you were is who you actually are now.

For me it's hard to understand because I believe that gender is irrelevant when it comes to true love. (I classify myself as Pansexual when it comes to orientation)  My wife is more or less bi-curious,  but strictly hetero when it comes to romantic love.

People fall out of love, because people change.  She fell in love with someone who is no longer you. 

You have to do what is best for you, and she has to do what is best for her.  Let her react authentically to your authentic self.  Don't bias her, let her have her choice, and abide by it. 

[solar00000]

Perhaps you are feeling euphoric on HRT because it helps you to gender yourself as female. Or at least to stop gendering yourself as male.  Anyways, yes, you still have quite a bit of self-exploration to do. 

But, again, you say it's clear to you that you are not male regardless, but your wife wants someone who is male. This is an inconsistency!  She is going to be pressing you to stay as the person she thought you were.  And it's extremely unlikely that who she thought you were is who you actually are now.


People fall out of love, because people change.  She fell in love with someone who is no longer you. 

You have to do what is best for you, and she has to do what is best for her.  Let her react authentically to your authentic self.  Don't bias her, let her have her choice, and abide by it.

The thing is,  right now I am more or less the person I always was.  The one she loved is still there.  Before my crisis I was unaware of my true gender identity.
The difference is that I have grown into a complete person like a maturing process.   

I did not change from A to B.  But I became A plus B.
I still have the same hobbies and interests, my general behaviour is pretty much the same too.  The only real difference is that I became aware of my gender identity and that It didn't match with my physical body.   Basically the same person in a different outer shell.
During this crisis I totally lost myself but the HRT finally gave me peace.

When I try to look at it from a more medical/scientific perspective it's even harder to accept.
If I had a serious disease or if I were paralysed by a car accident  to name a few it would drastically change my and her life but I'm absolutely sure she would never leave for that.
Genderdysphoria is a medical condition too for which I am treated with HRT.
It's not my choice to be trans.  But seeking treatment for it was a choice and maybe that's something she is not willing to accept.


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[Sophia Sage]

The thing is,  right now I am more or less the person I always was.  The one she loved is still there.  Before my crisis I was unaware of my true gender identity. The difference is that I have grown into a complete person like a maturing process.   

I did not change from A to B.  But I became A plus B.

I still have the same hobbies and interests, my general behaviour is pretty much the same too.  The only real difference is that I became aware of my gender identity and that It didn't match with my physical body.   Basically the same person in a different outer shell.

She's rejecting you because you're changing the shell.  She was in love with your shell.  This is not the same as loving the real you.

[solar00000]

Well,    I feel a lot better now.   (after talking to my psychologist who also did counseling for us)
Things are more complicated than I thought and I see now that the relationship with my wife is no longer going to work,  it's not only the outer shell that is changing.

The marriage was indeed wonderful and we helped each other grow in life.  Like I said before I was not aware of my gender identity and on the outside I looked like an androgynous male.

The part of me that she loved is still there but it wasn't the complete me.   I became mature and became aware of my gender identity which is female.   So this means that I am a different person now,  even if I would decide not to transition,  I will still be a woman trapped in the wrong body.  That alone is enough reason for her not to rebuild our relationship.

And yes,  she still loves me and wished things were different,  but she knows things are as they are,  quitting HRT is not going to make much difference.  in fact it will make me unhappy.

Now I can stop this pointless fight to win her back,  and just mourn for the loss, and learn to accept it. 
I still have a long way to go before I can be truly happy again,  but at least the path to happiness lies open.
 
I see that my body and face are changing,  which does give me a very happy feeling.