Hi. I came out to my fiance of 16 years in January. Truthfully I've suffered with mental gender dysphoria my whole life but never realised it. You can read my thread in introductions for more insight. Unlike many transwomen who wish to fully convert, it is not my desire to convert fully but to align my mental gender with my body. I am somewhat of a two-spirit, male body, female mind.
However our sex life has faltered somewhat since 2017. I never had trouble with self-sex, but would get tired easily and had performance anxiety. So rather than talk to my doctor about low T or getting a little blue pill, I searched for herbal remedies to boost my male libido. Many of these contain phytoestrogen plant hormones and have similar effects on men and women. I also picked up a bottle of dhea and took it for a couple weeks, then ceased because some of the health warnings were scary.
Back to point, I've always been caring, effeminent, understanding to my fiance, basically the polar opposite of the alpha male jock types who abused her in the past, as well as other cis-gendered women who've shared personal stories with me of similar tales of sexual, physical, or verbal abuse.
I am blessed to have been both right and left brained dominant. AJ, the androgynous nickname I used as a child (not disclosing my given legal name), is severe adhd, borderline genius level analytical and spacial reasoning, introverted, borderline Ausbergers, dysgraphia, terrible at sports, loves dance music but can't dance to save his life, retro video game addict, and often has trouble relating to others.
My alter ego, Amber Jean (the name I assigned my newfound mental gender identify), is extrovert, caring, passionate, a poet, an artist who puts a feminine flare on everything she touches, relates well to women (reason why I could not relate to peers growing up, yet women I got close to shared deeply personal secrets with me), athletic, and immediately breaks into dance and song whenever any music is playing.
People speak of alter egos like a demon trapped inside them, whose soul and very existence needs to be stamped out. Well mine was an angel trapped inside a troubled boy's/man's mind. I have opened pandoa's box and there's no closing it now. Alicia Keys accapella B-track on her debut album Songs in A minor, "I know why the caged bird sings..." has become my swan song. The children's parable "the ugly duckling" resonated with me as a child. I was different, but never realized it until very recently.
My fiance and I have not always seen eye to eye, but since day one we've always been upfront and honest with each other, about everything. Even if truth hurts, it is better than lying or keeping secrets. I began experiencing late onset dysphoria around November 2018. I've been going through "midlife", "manopause" or whatever people call it these days. She warned me some years ago, "you're going to hit that midlife crisis eventually," and I brushed i off. She's 11 years my senior, has more life experience, and she was right...
So Christmas holiday was stressful. I got some royalty monies from my uncle's land sale, inherited a ceramic kiln from an elderly lady, and decided to start building a studio in he back yard. I found out I had hypertension, and my sedentary existence (despite having "manned up" and held a blue collar job at a local plant for the past year and a half) had me teetering at 300 pounds for the past couple years.
The stress and dysphoria caused even more bedroom anxiety. I was too soft, to tired to perform, confused about who I was, then there was that year old bottle of dhea sitting in my drawer which might increase my libido but might also result in feminization. I started taking them around the same time I started high blood pressure medicine. I stopped boozing at night, rid myself of crippling caffeine / energy drink addiction, drastically cut back my caloric intake, and began riding my mountain bike after work, 10-15 miles everyday. Also the weight loss pool at work. I've lost 30 pounds in two months (half a pound per day average). I am going to win that competition... 😎
I am getting ahead of myself. Stream of consciousness and insomnia, lol.
Self medication is not recommended and I do not encourage it, but it has worked wonders. My body became estrogen dominant. My fiance and I rarely kiss, but one evening late January in a smokey room at a bar, I looked at the woman sitting next to me and started making out. I had two beers that night, both fairly high proof craft beers, and unbeknownst to me at the tme, my body was already starting to transition. My tolerance for both alcohol and caffeine under the new regimen has dropped dramatically.
Alcohol impairs cognitive function, makes us vulnerable. It can also function as a truth serum. I kissed her on the forehead. "I need to tell you something."
"What" she asked.
"I love you."
"I love you too."
After about 30 "I love you"s, I finally came out.
"I'm not sure if I'm a heterosexual male, or a lesbian trapped inside a man's body. Does that sound strange?"
"Not really," she said, and rolled over to go back to sleep.
Neither of us smoke, but the bar was unbearable. Four bands were playing that night, but we left midway through the second act. I was hoarse when we awoke to goto church. Normally I would completely lose the top range of my vocal range when I get hoarse, and my speaking voice drops. This time, my speech was more of an effeminent squeak. I felt my Adam's Apple. It was shrinking!🤯
After church I asked her if she remembered what we talked about. She replied, "you just told me you loved me over and over." So I repeated it, completely sober. She said it was okay, just don't lose my "manliness."
Well fast forward a couple weeks and she was less onboard with the prospect, and visibly upset when she realised I was actively starting to feminize. I combined some phyto supplements with the dhea and got toxic. She had a function on Valntine's night, so we set the date for Friday.
I realise the OP said don't let stuff happen on important dates like Valentne's or Anniversaries, but I felt awful and spent the evening flushing supplements down the toilet. Crisis can happen on any day, special or not. On top of that, i was acting ridiculous at work, body of a 38 year old man, hormones of a 13 year old girl. I pushed my new vocal range too high too fast, and did an epic rendition of Blondie's "One way or another" in my car during lunch break. By 7pm that night, I had developed laryngitis and couldn't speak at all on Friday. I worked a full shift, keeping murmurs to a whisper and using nonverbal communication whenever possible, though it started coming back later that evening, just in time for date night.
Date night, Friday the 15th, was magical. I had reservations at the casino steakhouse. Hormones build up in fatty tissue. My estrogen had tapered to the point where I was a mature adult female mentally, not a raging hormonal teenager. Dinner was magical. Every bite was an orgasm of flavor in my mouth. I observed an interracial couple sitting across the restaurant. The woman had bright blue christmas lights around her neck and I remembered wearing a multicolor strand like that at Christmas. My fiance said, "I think it's her birthday or something."
The lady glanced in my direction and I instantly fixed my gaze back on my fiance. I was doing an observed behavior I've witnessed countless times among cis-gendered women but never fully comprehended: checking out the competition. As I gazed longingly into her eyes, a thought entered my mind. "I am so gay for her." We had a complementary bottle of wine with the meal and elected to take it home unopened rather than consume on the premesis. The roses I bought for her, I noticed I could smell them from across the room rather than stick my nose to the. No wonder women love flowers. The are pretty, smell nice, and add an ambiance even if they wilt and die after a few days.
Saturday, third day no hormones, we ordered pizza and opened the wine while watching a sleazy Argentinian romance on Netflix. A couple was engaged to be wed, and the bride's sister came with her boyfriend. Long story short, everybody had affairs with everyone. The groom was definitely a stud. I can say that even if I'm still attracted to cis-gendered women? She told me he looked like some guy I've never heard of. I told her he looked like Antonio Benderas, when he was still in his prime not the old washed up version. Normally as male, I would dismiss such thoughts, but as a female, my thoughts are different. That sunday after church, I looked both actors up. I still believed the stud from the movie was more like young Antonio, but I digress. As a cis-hetero-male, I was a very poor judge of male physique. Now I don't need to be sexually attracted to appreciate.
Sunday afternoon, Feb 17th, the estrogen was worn off. My body was hormone depleted, and I felt lethargic. I promised my fiance I would quit the supplements, and talk to my doctor about low T. But that might make me like a jock. My mortal enemy in the schoolyard. I did not want to become what I hated. It was then that I realised if I followed her wishes and stopped now, I would suffer with dysphoria for the rest of her life. So I defiantly returned to the pharmacy and bought another bottle. She was st standing next to me as I checked out. I refuse to keep secrets from her. I will ask her opinion on something, she'll say "no," then I'll do it anyway, right in front of her. She caught me in the cosmetics isle at Walmart buying purple lipstick and told me to put it back. I placed it in the cart and checked out. She's watched me apply it in the car mirror. Presenting as androgynous or non-gender conforming in "safe" public spaces has been a confidence boost, for me.
She is pure cis-gendered hetro, and not on board with my progress. We have watched lesbian love scenes in adult films in the past, and she got turned on. However, having the man she fell in love with try to "present" as a woman in the privacy of her home, is a turn off. We still make love. We still bond and hang out. She sees herself as a dark queen and wants a dark knight. Well need and want are two different things. I've always been a white knight. Still am. "How can you be a white knight if you're trying to become a woman?"
"Joan of Ark was a knight in shining armour too."
"Yeah and she got burned at the stke," she added.
"She was a martyr. She died for what she believed."
She's expressed her dissatisfaction with my new "life choice," but it isn't a choice. She even said, "I want a whole man, not a half man." Those words stabbed my heart like a knife. Call me a man. Call me a woman. A dual spirit. I am a whole person, a complete individual, not half of anything, nor am I an "it." I correct her when she uses inappropriate language, but sometimes I feel it falls on deaf ears. My mental and physical genders do not align. She takes pills for diabetes. Something is out of balance; and a pill prescribed by a doctor fixes it. Hormones do the same. Correct an imbalance. However they do cross the blood brain barrier and as a result, one cannot feminize the mind without the body or visa-versa.
Eventually I'll see my therapist and get a recommendation letter so I can talk to an endicrinologist and get a prescription for real hormones. Until then, the dhea supplement half works. In the meantime, my body is estrogen dominant and slowly transitioning. The feminine feeling fades occasionally but I'm making progress. Exercise helps tremendously.
Again, I apologize for the wall of text posts. I love my fiance. I will always open doors for her, give her flowers. If anyone can recommend advice or how to do things or approach them differently, please let me know. She won't see her therapist. She won't see mine for a couple's session. She's opened up to two friends already. One of them tried to set her up on a blind date with another man (that did not go well, but I'll reserve judgement and thanked her for openly communicating this to me). Her neighbor laughed and did not believe her that I am trans. "He's just goin through a midlife. It will pass..."
Some friends huh? Many cis-gender people, even pro-lgb, do not understand trans...
