Taking the cowards way out

[Rae anne]

     This was something that I was thinking about for a long time now. Go out in public as a woman. Last month I joined this site because after a life of not understanding why I was different I came to realize I was not alone. It's one thing to state privately that one is trans and it's another to do something to show the world.
     That said, yesterday was a rare warm day so I dressed in an outfit I had ordered from a well known online retailer and went out for a drive. I was scared of all the things that could go wrong but I figured staying in the car offered some sort of protection. I drove to a near-by town, stopped at all the traffic lights, crisscrossed the entire area and I didn't see any stares, double takes or laughter. Just a few glances from men when stopped. At this point I got brave, went to a local park, got out, walked to a small pond and just stood there out in open for all to see. The feeling I got was so intense I almost cried. It was like a huge weight was just got lifted off my head and I've been walking on air ever since.
     

[RobynD]

Congrats on those awesome steps. You are not a coward for taking things at your own pace and comfort level. Actually the opposite. You know what you need and you get things done.

[Floof]

Thats a lot more public than my first trip outside dressed up, certainly not cowardly at all. It takes a LOT of courage and strength the first time, and you should feel so proud that you went through with this! My first walk was in the middle of the night, only passed a single other human and it was the scariest thing ever.. But somehow nothing bad happened, and later I just sat by a nearby overpass watching the cars go by and feeling intensely happy -shed some tears of joy..

I'm very excited for you and full of admiration, good going hun <3

[Tessa James]

I will never forget my first foray into the public sphere as Tessa.  It was the early 90s and I never even got out of the car but panicked myself thinking; what will i do if a cop stops me?  That transition attempt was a total fail and it would be more than 20 years until I tried going public again.  Halloween excursions did not count in my book

Yes, what you did does take courage and with persistence I trust you will be back out sooner than 20 years from now?

[KathyLauren]

Way to go, Rae anne!  There is nothing cowardly about going out in public for the first time.  It takes courage.

It's never too late to start being yourself.

[Michelle_P]

Rae Anne, there was nothing cowardly about that.  Stepping outside, finally dressed the way we feel is correct, is a big step.  Many of us started the same way.

I first went dressed to a therapy session.  I planned out where to park how many steps it would take, where to hide in the reception area, and so on.  I went.  I parked.  I walked into the office.  I checked in.  The receptionist addressed me as "Ma'am" !!!!   The doctor came out, looked around and didn't see me.  I stood.  "Oh, there you are.  Let's head back to the office." I followed him back and started the session.

The next session he asked what I'd be doing when I left.  Um.  Dashing to the car, heading home?  He encouraged me to stretch it a little bit, so I went to the Starbucks next door.  "What would you like, Ma'am?"

I never looked back after that.

It's hard.  Really hard to get started.  But, it gets better.  So very much better!

[Denise]

OMG you got out in the daylight?  It took me a month to do that and I was in Chicago, 50 miles from anyone I knew.

I'm proud to know you.

[CarlyMcx]

This post put a smile on my face.  I took a lot of little baby steps before my first times out in full dress.  For three or four months I ran around in baggy T shirts and increasingly feminine skinny jeans, getting comfortable at malls and drive throughs.  I finally went out in full dress for my first therapy session, and after that there was no looking back.

[LizK]

Rae Ann, you are no coward girl....no way. My first time out was 9pm dark in a car couldn't even get out the front door for many years. You should make sure you do it again really soon and keep listening to what your inner self is telling you. Don't ignore it...after all it is what is going on in your head that counts.

Congrats

Liz

[Janes Groove]

I came out at Thanksgiving dinner 2015.  That night I came home, broke down and cried bitter tears for all that was lost.  For the first time in my life I asked the woman inside me to forgive me.  I had denied her for so long.

[Jess1701]

Congrats. The first step is one of the hardest. Way to go. My frist outing was to my therapist. All interstate driving, and 10 feet to the door. So, I didn't really see anyone. When I went full time (as of August), I went into work. Only a couple people in management knew and none of my coworkers. I just walked in, head held high and was prepared to weather the storm. It felt GREAT! At last I wasn't hiding anymore and with a few bumps, I've never looked back.

[Geeker]

Nothing cowardly about it Rae anne, nothing. That is a huge ginormous step, practically a leap! The one and only time I  went out in public was about 15 years ago for a school homecoming spirit thing called opposite day.

[FTMDiaries]

Congrats!

Walking in public as a woman can be a daunting prospect even for those of us who were born with innies instead of outies. And yes, men will look at you in ways that they never did before... because straight men automatically check out any woman they come across to see whether she's a possible conquest. So it's not surprising that they checked you out because that is exactly what every woman experiences at some stage.

It takes guts and determination to do what we need to do, and you did great! It's a wonderful feeling being perceived as your true self, isn't it?

[Rae anne]

     Thanks everyone for your replies.  What I didn't say was I was shaking inside the whole time until I back in the car, but drove home with a big smile on my face. There won't be an encore until I master the secret to make-up and work on my voice, and only then if I don't have to interact with anyone.  Thanks again  Rae Anne 

[Thea]

Way to go Rae anne!
I was shaking during my first outing a few years ago. It was a night time music festival in a park. I knew exactly where to park on a back street so I could sneak into the back of the festival without having to interact with anyone. I stayed in the back, in the shadows the whole time. I have learned where it's safe for me to go and try to do it pretty frequently. I still chicken out and stay in the car once in a while.

[Floof]

     Thanks everyone for your replies.  What I didn't say was I was shaking inside the whole time until I back in the car, but drove home with a big smile on my face. There won't be an encore until I master the secret to make-up and work on my voice, and only then if I don't have to interact with anyone.  Thanks again  Rae Anne

Completely normal I'm sure; I to was absolutely terrified and couldn't stop shaking and expecting someone to notice and laugh at me, even in the middle of the night! When I went full time I couldn't do my voice at all so I just rolled with my male one.. Made for some interesting conversations for sure

Wish you good luck and swift progress with the makeup and voice!

[Denise]

Dress correctly (no fancy dresses for a stroll in the park for example) and you will blend in.

Try getting gas (assuming self serve) or red-box or any other automated service.

[Michelle_P]

Dress correctly (no fancy dresses for a stroll in the park for example) and you will blend in.

Try getting gas (assuming self serve) or red-box or any other automated service.

This!  It's how I finally started to move forward. After just going to the therapist dressed, and trying the Starbucks next store (Eeep!), I paid really close attention and noticed the 'uniform' that older women wore.  (My age.  )  Gray hair pretty often, simple top and cardigan or light jacket, jeans, sneakers.  A typical look for an older woman at a suburban strip mall, gas station, or fast food place.

I set out to imitate it, gray hair, top, cardigan or a denim jacket, the old Gloria Vanderbilt jeans from Costco, black sneakers.  I got gas.  I walked through a mall.  Not even a second glance!  (I think folks see the hair and just bucket me as another old lady not worth a second look.). I went into a chain restaurant, ordered and sat down.  The waitress brought out the meal.  "Anything else, hon?"

Just fitting in helps passing enormously.  The times I was obviously clocked, I just didn't fit in.

[Emileeeee]

You are far from a coward. I wish I had that courage. It took me years just to dress in front of my therapist.

[Rae anne]

    Gray hair is a great idea. I have a slight build so I was wearing tight jeans, white sneakers, sweater, and a tailored jacket, but the Gray hair would probably keep people from closely checking me out.    Rae Anne