family problems, mom stings the most (TW for transphobic remarks)

[Gothic Dandy]

I think I'm having issues (internally) with my family. Lately I've felt really disconnected from everyone...parents and extended relatives. I was never close to my family to begin with, but coming out as transgender two years ago really threw a wrench in things. I think I just need to talk it out with people who understand.

Gender-wise I've been feeling really awful for the past few months, and it finally dawned on me that my mom is one of the people who instantly pops up when I'm mulling this over. We've never been that close, but her reactions to multiple events regarding my gender have shocked me.

She cried when I came out, as though I had just announced that I had cancer. She kept trying to convince me it might just be due to a hormonal imbalance, or bad influences from old friends (why do you think I had such queer friends in the first place??). She told me, "You could just be your own kind of woman," as if I hadn't already spent the last 30 years trying to do exactly that and failing. She told me I seemed so normal as a kid growing up and that I never had any problems, when in fact my child/teen years were traumatizing (literally, I'm in therapy) and I felt so alone and so different that I began to think I must not be human. 

Back then I was always so angry that my parents never listened to me, and it was so hard learning as an adult that I'd been right the whole time. It wasn't just teen angst--my own parents really were blind to my pain. My dad's a narcissist so he gets a free pass (no hope for him), but my mom genuinely cared for us kids, so I still had some faith that maybe she saw and just didn't know what to do about it. Nope.

I took her to a SOFFA version of a support group I frequented, and she said, "Ok, I kind of get it now, but you're not like them. I believe them, but you're not trans."

She never used the name I asked her to use, even when her sisters did. I'm grateful to them for trying, but I eventually backpedaled and switched  back to my birth name because it was so hard going by two different names.

My dad still acts like I never came out and nothing ever changed. He's almost oblivious. I say almost, because he calls me his daughter and a woman nowadays, when he never did before I came out.

That's all stuff I've dealt with in the past two years, mostly in the first year. More recently, I shared something on Facebook. It was one of those filters you could put over your profile pic, and it said "I support transgender rights." Apparently someone, or several people, freaked out texting her, and this was like 10pm at night. So several minutes after I did this, she called me asking what I was doing on facebook and why were people sending her angry texts?? And I shouldn't post things like that because it's dangerous and people could judge me poorly for it. This "stay on the down-low about this trans business" lecture lasted for a good while, and included a warning about how it was wrong and inappropriate to expose my 4 year old daughter to such things. She also sounded surprised...it was like coming out all over again. What, really? You forgot that I was trans??

I went back to FB and asked who was texting my mom, and nobody responded. Since then, I've been very distrustful of my entire family, because I have no idea who ratted me out (texting her at 10pm because of Facebook, seriously?), on top of the knowledge that my mom apparently thought I had gotten over some kind of phase. I mean I'm baffled, did she think it was some kind of quaint mid-life crisis?

And she told me to hide it? To fear the judgment of others? To keep it a secret from even my own child because to do otherwise would be morally inappropriate? I just can't believe what my own mother said to me. You can try to tell me it was just motherly love looking out for her own child, afraid of seeing me hurt. I know what I heard in her tone, and I know my mom. There was no acknowledgment of my own wellbeing, other than "don't be trans." She's not even religious, so it can't be blamed on that.

I just don't understand how even after 2 years she can still be so consumed by her own fears that she doesn't see how she's the one hurting me the most.

Thanks for listening. I just need to find some way to keep going forward no matter what my family thinks. I'm usually only bothered by what people say to me if I feel connected to them in some way, or deeply value their opinions of me. I didn't think I was close enough to my family for it to hurt this much, but I guess you only get one family, after all.

[Kylo]

I had a similar problem with my mother.

In the end it boiled down to her having narcissistic tendencies.

She didn't want to acknowledge that her child had problems ("what do you have to be depressed about?" when I was 13-14), or that her child was "one of those". Despite wearing the mask of someone supposedly tolerant ("I'd love you even if you were gay" etc.), despite being someone who has to be rational for a living (scientist) she still couldn't wrap her head around the fact I have a medical condition and decided I was attention-seeking with it. She could only see it through her own lens, and if she'd never felt the need to have hormones and an operation, then why on earth would her child? She also had a history of suggesting I go to her for help if I needed it at all, and then becoming angry and dismissive if I did. I guess it was all for show.

She is someone who likes to appear one way on the surface, but underneath knows she was a crappy mother and can't abide the idea of it, nor can she handle the idea her kid is "one of them". She has effectively cut me out of her life and avoided me since she realized one side of the family (and myself) were prepared to call her out on it. A forceful (and sometimes violent) personality that when challenged goes into a sulk about why others are always so horrible to her. Never accepts fault.

So I empathize. I can't believe my own mother thinks the things she does either. But sometimes the people we think had our interests at heart really don't, nor do they actually respect us. My sister has kids, and my mother is constantly trying to get time alone with them by taking them away on holidays because it seems she wants to influence those kids and doesn't trust my sister to bring them up properly. From what I see, my sister loves her kids far more than my mother ever did and wants them to have the comfortable home life we never had. Our mother really can't see past her own nose on any of it. If she doesn't understand something, then it's rubbish to her, and she doesn't trust anyone else's competence. And she basically discarded me like I was nothing.

You might find some more things out about your mother you may not like if you delve further into it. I found things out that made me effectively give up caring that she doesn't care and is a far more selfish creature than I ever imagined. It was sort of a grieving process over 4 years and not easy. As they say great hurt only comes from where there is great love. That's unfortunate, but you have to insulate yourself from people who only end up doing harm. If she can't buck up her ideas then you might be better off accepting the loss and moving forward without her input.

Definitely don't allow them to stop you moving forward.

[SailorMars1994]

I think I'm having issues (internally) with my family. Lately I've felt really disconnected from everyone...parents and extended relatives. I was never close to my family to begin with, but coming out as transgender two years ago really threw a wrench in things. I think I just need to talk it out with people who understand.

Gender-wise I've been feeling really awful for the past few months, and it finally dawned on me that my mom is one of the people who instantly pops up when I'm mulling this over. We've never been that close, but her reactions to multiple events regarding my gender have shocked me.

She cried when I came out, as though I had just announced that I had cancer. She kept trying to convince me it might just be due to a hormonal imbalance, or bad influences from old friends (why do you think I had such queer friends in the first place??). She told me, "You could just be your own kind of woman," as if I hadn't already spent the last 30 years trying to do exactly that and failing. She told me I seemed so normal as a kid growing up and that I never had any problems, when in fact my child/teen years were traumatizing (literally, I'm in therapy) and I felt so alone and so different that I began to think I must not be human. 

Back then I was always so angry that my parents never listened to me, and it was so hard learning as an adult that I'd been right the whole time. It wasn't just teen angst--my own parents really were blind to my pain. My dad's a narcissist so he gets a free pass (no hope for him), but my mom genuinely cared for us kids, so I still had some faith that maybe she saw and just didn't know what to do about it. Nope.

I took her to a SOFFA version of a support group I frequented, and she said, "Ok, I kind of get it now, but you're not like them. I believe them, but you're not trans."

She never used the name I asked her to use, even when her sisters did. I'm grateful to them for trying, but I eventually backpedaled and switched  back to my birth name because it was so hard going by two different names.

My dad still acts like I never came out and nothing ever changed. He's almost oblivious. I say almost, because he calls me his daughter and a woman nowadays, when he never did before I came out.

That's all stuff I've dealt with in the past two years, mostly in the first year. More recently, I shared something on Facebook. It was one of those filters you could put over your profile pic, and it said "I support transgender rights." Apparently someone, or several people, freaked out texting her, and this was like 10pm at night. So several minutes after I did this, she called me asking what I was doing on facebook and why were people sending her angry texts?? And I shouldn't post things like that because it's dangerous and people could judge me poorly for it. This "stay on the down-low about this trans business" lecture lasted for a good while, and included a warning about how it was wrong and inappropriate to expose my 4 year old daughter to such things. She also sounded surprised...it was like coming out all over again. What, really? You forgot that I was trans??

I went back to FB and asked who was texting my mom, and nobody responded. Since then, I've been very distrustful of my entire family, because I have no idea who ratted me out (texting her at 10pm because of Facebook, seriously?), on top of the knowledge that my mom apparently thought I had gotten over some kind of phase. I mean I'm baffled, did she think it was some kind of quaint mid-life crisis?

And she told me to hide it? To fear the judgment of others? To keep it a secret from even my own child because to do otherwise would be morally inappropriate? I just can't believe what my own mother said to me. You can try to tell me it was just motherly love looking out for her own child, afraid of seeing me hurt. I know what I heard in her tone, and I know my mom. There was no acknowledgment of my own wellbeing, other than "don't be trans." She's not even religious, so it can't be blamed on that.

I just don't understand how even after 2 years she can still be so consumed by her own fears that she doesn't see how she's the one hurting me the most.

Thanks for listening. I just need to find some way to keep going forward no matter what my family thinks. I'm usually only bothered by what people say to me if I feel connected to them in some way, or deeply value their opinions of me. I didn't think I was close enough to my family for it to hurt this much, but I guess you only get one family, after all.

Dude you are far from alone <3 My mom is kinda like that. She is helpful on my transistion and has even help pay for some HRT. But she still belevies the same things today that she did 3 years ago when i came out. The same nonsense that i dont want be be some man becuase i was truamitized by some guys, that i am just fixated on being trans becuase of my OCD and autisum. To be fair she isnt the only one to try and put those kind of ideas intomy head so. An aunt from my dads side said the same thing and on my moms side I had a cousin i used to love and respect more then the rest then he tried telling me i am not ''truly trans'' and was overly condesending. I dont talkj to him anymore becuase of that and that only. Some people really deep down dont care about you even if they say they do. Sorry but it is a fact. They care about an idea of you. Case in point my cousin Mike from Winnipeg, he could care less if i was a happy, free-thinking woman with hopes dreams and a plan for life. He would rather have a half-alive, sad, angry, lost and confused man because to him, i must be some kind of ''man''.

I am very sorry to hear about your mom tho. She seems to have high hopes of you returning to birth gender and probably birth gender sterotypes. I must say atleast my mom, even with all her non-sense and pity stories about ''running away from man'' sobbiness, she would be cool if i was more non-binary and basically seems cool if i lived like a girl/very feminine (clothing, long hair, ect)  but still remained male as odd as that sounds. You may just have to indeed go full blast ahead and have to put her on ignore. Just remember you got this and we are here for you <3

huggles-Ashley

[Gothic Dandy]

Thanks...you both said things that really hit me, things I should probably admit to myself sooner rather than later if I want to be happy.

The big conflict is I can't just cut her out, or even ignore her a little bit, without also impacting my daughter's life. She is my daughter's favorite grandparent, and when there's no gender BS to deal with, she IS a good grandparent and she helps me out a lot. It's hard to see that the same person who is so kind in these times is the one who has hurt me so deeply other times. I don't expect a person to be all bad or all good, but I expect them to make sense or be consistent.

As a young adult I would daydream about the day I disowned my family and went to live happily on my own. I've watched other people do it, but never had the guts to do it myself, and always clinged to the things that kept us together. Like, "Well, they don't seem as bad," or "But, if I leave, my kid will have no grandparents."

[Harry_1]

Hi, this might not help because I'm a different age to you and have been out for a shorter amount of time, but my mum has said almost all of these things to me as well, and I also had a version of that Facebook drama happen to me. I have no advice because my mum and I are both now acting like I never came out at home so I'm not in any position to offer advice, but I'm going to keep looking at this thread in case it offers advice for me to. Hope you're okay.

[CarlyMcx]

First, your friends:  Anyone who ratted you out to your mother just for putting a trans rights overlay on your facebook account (at 10:00 p.m. no less) needs to be dealt with immediately.  First, make a list of everyone you know on Facebook that has your mother's cell number.  Second, winnow that down to a shorter list of everyone likely to react to something like that.  If it is a small number, send each one a PM with a different piece of inflammatory information, or the same information told a different way (leave out or add a different detail each time.  Then ask each person not to tell anyone.

Whichever version reaches mom and comes back to you, that's the backstabber.  Block them and cut them out of your life.  They aren't your friend anyway.

Now about family:

My father was the parent who had everything invested in me being a boy/being a man/not being gay, etc.  He was also a bully and a coward, but he was a creepo/stalker/frenemy kind of guy rather than being directly confrontational.

I got a reprieve when a stroke silenced him in 2009, but he had gotten so far into my head that I stumbled on for another five years as a sad anxiety ridden wreck of a man until I reached that "just who am I really?" moment, cleared away the layers of denial and rationalization, and started on the road toward gender transition.

You are still young, and there is no need for you to suffer the damage that I did by not transitioning until I was on the far side of 50.

And don't let your parents tell you how to raise your children.  I've raised three children to maturity.  My oldest daughter is a civil rights lawyer who interned for Gavin Newsom when he was mayor of San Francisco.  She was right there when he was signing the first gay marriage licenses in the U.S.  My youngest just sat for the California bar exam.  The middle kid came to her senses and became a landscape architect.

So I guess I know a thing or two about raising children.  I was a Reagan republican, and I remember seeing my then 10 year old daughter give her money to homeless people and talk about liberal politics  (this was in 1991).  I let her find her own way.  She ended up corrupting me.  I reregistered Democrat later that year and voted for Bill Clinton.  And frankly I might never have found my way to myself if not for her liberal influence.

Love your children.  But raise them your way.

[Paige]

This reminds me of an article I read recently.

Who Marries An Extreme Narcissist?
http://www.huffingtonpost.ca/marcia-sirota/marrying-narcissist_b_14761050.html

[Gothic Dandy]

First, your friends:  Anyone who ratted you out to your mother just for putting a trans rights overlay on your facebook account (at 10:00 p.m. no less) needs to be dealt with immediately.  First, make a list of everyone you know on Facebook that has your mother's cell number.  Second, winnow that down to a shorter list of everyone likely to react to something like that.  If it is a small number, send each one a PM with a different piece of inflammatory information, or the same information told a different way (leave out or add a different detail each time.  Then ask each person not to tell anyone.

Whichever version reaches mom and comes back to you, that's the backstabber.  Block them and cut them out of your life.  They aren't your friend anyway.

My mistake, I need to clarify that it was family who did this, not friends. I have mostly family on my account, and any friends I have don't even know any of those family members. So, because of this incident, I am distrustful and suspicious of basically my entire family now. Even though my mom is the one in my head taking all of the crap at the moment, it's really my entire extended family that I feel betrayed by and disconnected from, hence my prompt for coming here to write this. It doesn't feel good

I must have deleted the part where I said that I immediately went back, demanding to know who had texted my mom, and was met with silence. The next day my mom contacted me again and said she didn't want me to be angry at anybody and was sorry that I was upset, but just wanted me to make the right decisions. She doesn't use facebook, so somebody must have told her about my next status, too. Funny thing was, I wasn't angry. I was determined to find answers. Ticks me off that my assertiveness is read as unnecessary anger; I was always the mousey one of the family and I think they expect me to stay that way.

Your idea does sound like fun, though. Very clever. I'd easily make enemies with my entire family though haha. It's better to be a lone wolf than an enemy when it comes to family.

[FTMDiaries]

Ticks me off that my assertiveness is read as unnecessary anger; I was always the mousey one of the family and I think they expect me to stay that way.

This is generally how people interpret assertiveness in people they believe to be female. I remember from elsewhere in the thread that your family have been actively reinforcing their ideas of what your gender should be (you mentioned your dad deliberately calling you a woman and a daughter when he never used to do that before)... and this is just more of the same. Girls are expected to be docile, compliant, submissive and sweet, so when they show any form of assertiveness the people around them immediately stamp down on it. So if your family are determined that they want to continue perceiving you as being female, of course they're going to ramp up the pressure and reinforce the stereotypes as a way of getting you to conform. This is part of the stages of grief: they're grieving over their idea of who they think you should be, and they're currently putting up resistance. They'll get through this stage eventually... but your mother's already been in this stage for 2 years, so you need to shake things up if you ever want to kick her out of the cycle.

Your idea does sound like fun, though. Very clever. I'd easily make enemies with my entire family though haha. It's better to be a lone wolf than an enemy when it comes to family.

You're right, you would make enemies. So I've got a better suggestion. You said your mother wants you to keep your trans status secret; she clearly doesn't want the rest of the family to know. Perhaps she's embarrassed about her status within the family being diminished if everyone knew she has a trans child. She probably doesn't want people talking about her. And of course she knows that you've made a momentous, life-changing decision and she's worried it'll make your life worse.

But you're in your 30s. You're the parent of a 4-year-old. You don't need your mother's permission to do anything. She's not the boss of you any more, and hasn't been for a long time! So I'd recommend you call her bluff.

Write a massive post on FB in which you come out to everyone. Tell them how proud you are of your status; tell them that you're still your own awesome self even if the label & packaging might look a little different; and tell them that your daughter is happy & thriving. Tell them what names & pronouns you want to be called by, and tell them that you'll only answer to that name and those pronouns from now on. Then tell them that anyone who has a problem with this should immediately unfriend you as they're not welcome on your FB, and that they can contact you directly if they have any (polite) questions.

That'll make your mother confront her fears, and it'll force your entire family to start dropping the pretence of who they think you should be. It's the only way to get them out of this cycle of denial: we always have to lead from the front so that our families can catch up, and the longer you delay the longer they know they can delay you. Rip off that Band-Aid!

[AnxietyDisord3r]

I grew up with a narcissistic mom who abused us and an enabler dad. When I was a young adult I came out and I thought my dad would support me but he didn't. Instead he made jokes that I was a "lesbian until graduation" and said his brother thought he was gay but now he's straight. (Dad didn't know or didn't listen because my uncle is bi, but I didn't find that out until years later.)

I realize now that my dad wasn't strong enough to protect us kids from mom's abuse. Instead he knuckled under and even helped her do it. I think all narcissistic parents are abusive at least emotionally. My dad was the adult child of an alcoholic and that explains why he's codependent. Anyway, he never protected us during those critical moments so why would he suddenly become a great parent when it came to glbt issues? So of course he wasn't.

When you have a parent who is an enabler and still with the narcissist, lower your expectations. They were never in your corner up until now and they aren't going to be in your corner now.

Also, from reading your story, I wonder if your mother wasn't lying or exaggerating about the texts. Like who in the world would care enough to text your mom about your facebook? But it feeds her narrative that these mysterious "others" care so damn much about you posting pro trans stuff. You know her not me and maybe she is in fact a very honest person but as someone who's never met her it doesn't add up.

Edit: okay, I see you said where she doesn't use facebook so it seems like she's protecting a family member who seems to be bullying her about you. That's pretty sad. But it tells it all that instead of pushing back against this person and defending her child she starts berating you to be a different person to avoid criticism. That's ... not normal.

[Gothic Dandy]

You said your mother wants you to keep your trans status secret; she clearly doesn't want the rest of the family to know. Perhaps she's embarrassed about her status within the family being diminished if everyone knew she has a trans child. She probably doesn't want people talking about her. And of course she knows that you've made a momentous, life-changing decision and she's worried it'll make your life worse.

But you're in your 30s. You're the parent of a 4-year-old. You don't need your mother's permission to do anything. She's not the boss of you any more, and hasn't been for a long time! So I'd recommend you call her bluff.

Write a massive post on FB in which you come out to everyone. Tell them how proud you are of your status; tell them that you're still your own awesome self even if the label & packaging might look a little different; and tell them that your daughter is happy & thriving. Tell them what names & pronouns you want to be called by, and tell them that you'll only answer to that name and those pronouns from now on. Then tell them that anyone who has a problem with this should immediately unfriend you as they're not welcome on your FB, and that they can contact you directly if they have any (polite) questions.

That'll make your mother confront her fears, and it'll force your entire family to start dropping the pretence of who they think you should be. It's the only way to get them out of this cycle of denial: we always have to lead from the front so that our families can catch up, and the longer you delay the longer they know they can delay you. Rip off that Band-Aid!

I like your straightforward tone, and you give good advice, but get ready for another story...I've done exactly that already! Almost two years ago! This is why her astonishment that I'm "still trans" baffled me, and why my family's shock that I would support transgender rights baffled me.

I did all the things. I felt like Facebook was a cowardly way to do it, but I did it anyway...around the time that Caitlyn Jenner came out, I jumped on the bandwagon and used that to segue into a quick blurb about my own gender identity. I asked to be called Lucas. I always think demanding people to unfriend you is a generally uncool move, but I told them I was open to any questions they might have.

Here's what happened. My mom's side, with the exception of my mom, was very supportive. My dad and my dad's side were completely silent. I have family friends on there, too, and most of them were supportive, although some were also confused.

The people who didn't start using my new name immediately acted like nothing had ever changed, but a little worse...I noticed that people started avoiding me at family gatherings. Maybe they didn't know how to approach me. I've always been aloof, so maybe it had nothing to do with gender and they just got tired of trying to get me to open up. I've got no idea, but the coincidence is strange.

I suppose this perceived avoidance has contributed to my feelings of isolation from my family. I've never felt like part of the family to begin with, but at least they used to try with me.

Anyway, I eventually got tired of being called two different names by the same family unit and threw up the white flag. I went back onto facebook and told everyone, sorry guys, I just want you all to call me by my birth name now. (I had never and still haven't changed my pronouns.)

Also, from reading your story, I wonder if your mother wasn't lying or exaggerating about the texts. Like who in the world would care enough to text your mom about your facebook? But it feeds her narrative that these mysterious "others" care so damn much about you posting pro trans stuff. You know her not me and maybe she is in fact a very honest person but as someone who's never met her it doesn't add up.

This is a thing my family does. That's why I don't use my facebook very often. Everything spills out onto angry phone calls and text messages. Two people stopped talking to each other for some time because one made a facebook comment that the other didn't like, and it escalated.

I did wonder whether she was exaggerating, though. "A bunch of people are sending me angry texts" could have meant that one person sent one angry text, or sent several during dialogue with her.

My mom has always been extremely nervous about how she's perceived, and extremely preoccupied with making sure her family looks like a standard suburban family in a big house. She belongs to an ethnic minority so it always baffled me, but learning about social politics has taught me that this does sort of make sense if she's trying desperately hard to escape the stereotypes usually attributed to that minority.

Anyway, thanks, you're all really helping me to put this in perspective. My mom is a good-natured person, but a fearful one as well. As for the rest of my family...I'm just surprised that after all these years, some tiny part of me still wants to feel some sort of connection with them, or acceptance. I thought I had put this behind me a long time ago.

[CrystalMatthews0426]

While thankfully, my parents seem to be ok with everything for the most part, I don't think they fully understand the depth of my confession to them. At the end of our conversation, my mother told me that no matter what, I will always be her son and she loves me. It took a lot of self control to tell her sit back down and reexplain to her that I was telling her that I was strongly considering no longer being her "son."   The next day, we were talking about the trouble that my wife was having with all of the information, and mom told me that she will come around because in the end, she doesn't actually have to ever see me in that way.  Apparently she thinks that I just want to crossdress in private and that's it.

I know it's not the nearly the same as what you're going through, but I guess I just needed to vent a little.  I hope things get better and your parents come to accept things as you progress through your transition.

[FTMDiaries]

I like your straightforward tone, and you give good advice, but get ready for another story...I've done exactly that already! Almost two years ago! This is why her astonishment that I'm "still trans" baffled me, and why my family's shock that I would support transgender rights baffled me.

Great (and thanks for the compliment)! But the reason why they're doing this becomes apparent later on in this reply...

The people who didn't start using my new name immediately acted like nothing had ever changed, but a little worse...I noticed that people started avoiding me at family gatherings. Maybe they didn't know how to approach me.

Yup, that's normal. The people who act like nothing's changed don't know how to deal with having a trans relative, or perhaps they simply don't believe you. The ones who avoided you are the ones who are downright uncomfortable with the whole idea, or who think it's wrong. Or that you're crazy/a sinner/whatever. 

The cis community has a wide range of opinions of trans people. Some are completely accepting, some are confused, and some are downright hostile. If you have a large family, it makes sense that you'll have a mixture of responses. So cultivate your relationships with your supportive family members, and quietly distance yourself from the ones who've not reacted well.

Anyway, I eventually got tired of being called two different names by the same family unit and threw up the white flag. I went back onto facebook and told everyone, sorry guys, I just want you all to call me by my birth name now. (I had never and still haven't changed my pronouns.)

Bingo! This is why all of this is still happening.

By changing back to your birth name & not insisting on new pronouns you've inadvertently told your family that you weren't serious about being trans, and that everything's gone back to 'normal'. They think you've told them that you're not trans any more. No wonder everyone's acting all surprised: they've received conflicting messages.

Remember: people are so wrapped up in their own lives that they don't have the time, interest or inclination to keep track of anyone else's. So they'll just 'skim the headlines': they'll remember a handful of facts about you & they'll pigeon-hole you into that category unless you convince them otherwise. You said you were trans, then you seemed to take that back, so they think the whole 'trans' thing wasn't serious or real. Then you show trans support on FB and their heads are reeling because they thought you'd gotten over all that stuff. I know none of this was your intention... but this is the end result, especially with a family like yours which appears to have more than its fair share of drama queens.

So how can you fix it? Only you know your family, and only you know how you'd like them to perceive you. But if I was in your shoes, I'd just tell the whole family that you've never stopped being trans & you just told them to use your birth name for now because of (reasons), but from now on you want to be known by the right name & pronouns. You can also create a new FB profile in your new name and add only the family members who respond positively to this new message. Like I said before: you have to lead by example. If you want people to accept you're trans, you have to be very clear in communicating what you want.

This is a thing my family does. That's why I don't use my facebook very often. Everything spills out onto angry phone calls and text messages. Two people stopped talking to each other for some time because one made a facebook comment that the other didn't like, and it escalated.

The beauty of mobile phones (and Facebook) is that you can block people. If someone sends you something aggressive or inflammatory, just send them a polite note telling them you don't appreciate the tone of their message and as a result you're blocking their number for a week. Tell them you'll unblock them after that week but if any further abuse is received then you'll block them permanently. You don't need to get involved in their drama... and it's probably better for your mental health if you don't. You're in charge of what you choose to see on your phone. And if they call your landline? The minute tell get abusive, just tell them you're not prepared to be spoken to like that & put down the phone. Ignore their calls for a couple of days & then when you choose to answer them, immediately ask them if they've called to apologise. If they get nasty, the phone goes down again. Wash, rinse, repeat until your family learn to speak to you appropriately.

My mom has always been extremely nervous about how she's perceived, and extremely preoccupied with making sure her family looks like a standard suburban family in a big house. She belongs to an ethnic minority so it always baffled me, but learning about social politics has taught me that this does sort of make sense if she's trying desperately hard to escape the stereotypes usually attributed to that minority.

That's interesting, and it's also interesting that you say she belongs to an ethnic minority: I take it then that your Dad doesn't? I've known a few women who believe they've married above their station & who will do anything to avoid having to give up the status they believe they've gained. She may have a chip on her shoulder, which could go a long way towards explaining why she wants to broadcast an image of being the perfect family... and why she feels so threatened by what everyone else might think of your transition and how it affects their perception of her.

Anyway, thanks, you're all really helping me to put this in perspective. My mom is a good-natured person, but a fearful one as well. As for the rest of my family...I'm just surprised that after all these years, some tiny part of me still wants to feel some sort of connection with them, or acceptance. I thought I had put this behind me a long time ago.

It's called love. You naturally love your mother, and you naturally love your family. Even if they drive you round the bend.