Denial

[Twoman44]

Hi there!
I am new here. My husband came out to me in January as a transgender but it's complicated. I as a straight woman attracted to men, am devastated but trying to be as accepting as I can. I have bought him some clothes, taken him to get a pedicure, and have helped him put makeup on to help him feel good about himself and that he is safe with me. He wanted to keep everything private and in our home. He says that he wants to go on HRT but won't because of the cocequenses. He says if he lets his mind wander then he can talk himself into going on HRT and even becoming a woman. Now he says he doesn't want to talk about it anymore and wants to put it back in the closet where it was and before I knew. How can that be possible???

Questions:
Can he go through life knowing he desires to be a woman but do nothing about it?
Can he have feelings of both a man and a woman?
Can he go on a low dose of HRT to get small breasts and some fat redistribution and softer skin to get just subtle changes to help his mild dysphoria?
If he stopped HRT, could he regain function of his penis to where it was before HRT?
Why is he all of a sudden pulling back completely and trying to ignore everything?
How do I accept and learn to incorporate this into our marriage if he won't accept it himself? He says that he had it under control before I found out by just wearing a bra and fantasizeing about being a woman while masturbating. After he was done, he would take it off immediately and be fine for awhile but still had thoughts going throughout his head often.

Any help is appreciated. I'm overwhelmed and feel like I'm on a roller coaster of emotions between grief and acceptance.

[Dena]

Welcome to Susan's Place. A gender therapist would be a good idea because the the answers to your questions depend somewhat on the individual and that takes far more knowledge than we have.

It is possible to desire to be a woman and not do anything about it now. Unfortunately our ability to resist it declines over time so the answer in the future could be different than now.

It is possible for a person to be a mix of both gender. It's also possible for a person to be bi gender or gender fluid where they switch between genders at regular intervals. Our WIKI will cover this in more detail.

Testosterone is the primary problem but there are drugs that can suppress it. Estrogen rounds out the package and low dose is one approach for people who want minimal changes or who are buying time. With this combination, we have several members who have bought years of time without transitioning.

Stopping HRT can restore male function for most if it's lost. The catch is the dysphoria will return full force.

Some people have a difficult time facing change. It may be for a number of reason and it's more common in people who have surpassed their need for years. We have members who purchases a number of feminine items only to purge them in disgust. This cycle can be repeated many times over many years until they are able to accept themselves.

The sexual act can give temporary relief from the dysphoria. It will last a few hours but will return. As for your marriage, joint therapy is very important. You will need to define your boundaries and your husband will need to state needs. Hopefully you can agree on rules that will allow your marriage to survive but it doesn't always work out.

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[Daniellekai]

Dena gives the best advice around here, you sound very supportive, being transgender is a disconnect between your brain and your body, most of us fight it for most of our lives before accepting it and choosing to do something about it medically, so it isn't as if he can't just throw it back in the closet. This is the YMMV part (your milage may vary), but for me at least doing that, while it would maintain the status quo of my life, would also result in the return of my depression. Imagine every time you saw a nice outfit knowing that even expressing a mild interest in it would be socially unacceptable. Now extend that to everything viewed as even a little feminine and add the anxiety that someone might figure it out even though you're hiding it. Lots of us will bury ourselves in some masculine activity or another, but it always feels like a bit of a farce even if we enjoy it.

It sounds like he doesn't want the boys to shrink, but also he sees how his transition would affect you, and loves you very much. As Dena said, a gender therapist could help both of you wrap your heads around it at least.

[Roni-jalyn]

I agree with Dena. If I had had that explanation 5 years ago, things would have been much different for me I think.
I just posted somewhere yesterday about my own roller coaster ride. I have thrown away everything female and tried to put it behind me. I tried. I really did. But the female side always comes back. And I think much of my personal life is because of the era of time I grew up in, the age of no internet and not knowing there were any other people out there like me. I thought I was all alone in my thoughts.

Do you have children too? I think that is my biggest fear in coming completely out. Im 59 and I still keep everything concealed. I am in fear of losing my childrens respect. And Im not sure if I would cope with that very well. So I live my life one day at a time, and keep telling myself maybe tomorrow I will tell them. It doesn't have to be today.

Listen to Dena. Her reply was awesome. Good luck with everything for both you and your spouse. All of us are here for a reason. To find answers and share. Let us know how we can help.
Best wishes
Roni

[Deborah]

Questions:
Can he go through life knowing he desires to be a woman but do nothing about it?

Yes.  But as everyone here will tell you, doing nothing about it will eventually cause some big problems.  These are the common ones that I personally experienced; depression, extreme cynicism, resentment, anger, an obsessive engagement with something else to keep the mind occupied, and suicidal ideation.  Actually doing something about it usually addresses most or all of these problems.

Can he have feelings of both a man and a woman?

I can only tell you my experience.  Since I was about 11 my mental identity as female has been consistently fixed as female.  Despite that I had to act the other part out of self preservation.  I was very good with the act but my mind always recognized it as an act.  If you mean behaviors and interests then you would have to define the set of exclusive male interests and exclusive female interests.  My guess is that those sets may not actually exist.

Why is he all of a sudden pulling back completely and trying to ignore everything?

While it perhaps getting a little better the overwhelming message from society has been that we are abhorrent, sinful, depraved, a danger to children and women, and an enemy of God.  It's really not a whole lot of fun to hear that all the time and know that it's what people think about you.  (hence, depression and suicidal ideation). So you try and fight it until the fight wears you down.  It goes through cycles until there is no fight left.  Then you give up to despair.  Sorry if that sounds kind of pessimistic but it is the truth.


Conform and be dull. —James Frank Dobie, The Voice of the Coyote

[FTMDiaries]

Hi! Welcome, and thank you for being so supportive. It's great to see a spouse reaching out & trying to understand what's going on.

I'd like to discuss some of the points of your post, and then look at your questions.

I as a straight woman attracted to men, am devastated but trying to be as accepting as I can.

Should your husband decide to transition (it's not a choice: the need to transition is like having a gun held to your head), then you will find that you will be married to a woman, probably with a new female name, who is perceived by everyone else as being a woman. Your friends, family, colleagues and everyone you meet as a couple will see you as being in a same-sex relationship. Is this a reality that you can cope with? I sincerely hope so.

I have bought him some clothes, taken him to get a pedicure, and have helped him put makeup on to help him feel good about himself and that he is safe with me.

That's very kind of you. However, it is customary when a transgender person comes out to you to refer to them by the correct pronouns. It's possible that your husband hasn't asked for new pronouns yet, but if she is a woman then you will eventually have to get used to writing your sentences as follows:

I have bought her some clothes, taken her to get a pedicure, and have helped her put makeup on to help her feel good about herself and that she is safe with me.

I know it takes a long time and it can be difficult to get your head around it, but how does it make you feel to see your husband described in those terms? Accepting that your husband is actually a woman - and therefore your wife - is a hurdle you'll have to overcome if you truly wish to be supportive. Of course, she'll need to fully accept it too.

He wanted to keep everything private and in our home.

That's probably because there's a huge societal stigma surrounding transgender people. It's incredibly difficult to be treated like a freakshow, but sadly that's something that a lot of us have had to put up with. Going out in public presenting as your true gender can be utterly terrifying. There's a chance that people might stare or laugh (scratch that: it will happen) or even worse: they may attack her. Perhaps you could support her in that by offering to accompany her when she's ready to do so? Particularly in places like public toilets etc.

He says that he wants to go on HRT but won't because of the consequenses.

Which consequences? Again, this goes back to that stigma: the worry that you could lose your job, your marriage, your kids, your home... everything you hold dear if you decide to transition. Many of us have lost exactly that. Well, at least I still have my job so that's something. This is one of the reasons why trans people are so admirably strong: we have to be in order to survive the trauma that other people tend to put us through.

He says if he lets his mind wander then he can talk himself into going on HRT and even becoming a woman. Now he says he doesn't want to talk about it anymore and wants to put it back in the closet where it was and before I knew. How can that be possible???

Nobody - but nobody - wants to be trans. Transition is an incredibly difficult thing to go through, and you lose whatever privilege you may have had in society in the process. People can be incredibly cruel to us and for absolutely no good reason. So pretty much all of us try to believe that we can suppress this; that we can put it back in the closet and carry on as before, because that seems easier than going through the trauma of transitioning. We can suppress it, but only temporarily. Gender Dysphoria is a genuine medical condition that cannot possibly go away on its own without treatment. In fact, it builds & builds over time until it becomes so unbearable that we're left with 2 choices: transition or die. It's so serious that more than 40% of us try the second option at least once. So no, even if it gets shoved back in the closet this time, it'll come back again stronger than ever next time.

Now onto your questions:

Can he go through life knowing he desires to be a woman but do nothing about it?

Yes, she can - but it'd be hell on Earth, and she'll be in pain every day.

Can he have feelings of both a man and a woman?

Of course! We are not a binary species; it's not like male and female are the only two options. Everyone has a bit of masculinity in them and a bit of femininity in them: most of us have more of one than the other, but some people are closer to the centre.

Can he go on a low dose of HRT to get small breasts and some fat redistribution and softer skin to get just subtle changes to help his mild dysphoria?

Yes, she can. In fact, transition isn't necessarily about going the whole hog and having "the surgery" (as so many people rudely refer to it). Rather, transition is about doing as much or as little as is necessary to be comfortable in your own skin. Some people are happy with just occasionally dressing in opposite-sex clothing. Some people want HRT. Some want certain physical changes but not others. Some need to go all the way. It's a very personal thing.

If he stopped HRT, could he regain function of his penis to where it was before HRT?

Not my area sadly; Dena's answered this one.

Why is he all of a sudden pulling back completely and trying to ignore everything?

Because she's scared out of her wits that she's going to lose everything that's precious to her, including you. If you're telling us that you're only attracted to men, I bet she knows this too... and she's frightened that you won't want to stay.

How do I accept and learn to incorporate this into our marriage if he won't accept it himself?

By supporting your spouse in seeking out a Gender Therapist, and attending as many sessions as you can with your spouse.

He says that he had it under control before I found out by just wearing a bra and fantasizeing about being a woman while masturbating. After he was done, he would take it off immediately and be fine for awhile but still had thoughts going throughout his head often.

Like I said, it's about doing whatever you need to do to feel comfortable. But Gender Dysphoria gets worse (not better) with time, building up until it gets to the point where we have no choice but to transition. Perhaps that's what's happening here. Many of us have a history of trying to seek temporary relief which works for a while, but eventually we reach the point of no return where it simply isn't enough any more.

Any help is appreciated. I'm overwhelmed and feel like I'm on a roller coaster of emotions between grief and acceptance.

That's exactly it: it's wonderful that you're trying your best to come to terms with a difficult situation, and it's understandable that you're experiencing grief. You're grieving for your mental image of the man you married. Well, the genuine human being you married has been suffering from a traumatic medical condition for many years now, and it's possible that they'll be happier moving through the world in a female form. They'll still be the same person you fell in love with; just happier and in different packaging. I'd urge you to both seek counselling with a Gender Therapist to help you work through this together.

Good luck!

[zamber74]

Can he go through life knowing he desires to be a woman but do nothing about it?

I can't speak for everyone, but it is a consistent feeling for me.  Sometimes the desire, is but a hum in the background, it is manageable - although it leaves me depressed.  Other times, the desire is incredibly strong, he was probably at that point when he told you.  After a period of time, the desire diminishes a bit, to a more controllable urge.. one starts to wonder if it is even worth pursuing transitioning because of all of the hardships, and the pain it will cause to loved ones, etc.  At that point, I usually give up on transitioning until the next wave hits me. 

Can he have feelings of both a man and a woman?

He could, everyone is different.

Why is he all of a sudden pulling back completely and trying to ignore everything?

It is a terrifying prospect, it really is.  I sometimes consider ending my life to be a viable alternative, than having to live out my days with this strange affliction.. or dealing with a society that loathes me.  Then there are my loved ones, I feel so incredibly guilty about transitioning, that it is easy to just try to deal with the depression.  I'm not sure how I would make it without my family, and I don't know if I could deal with the guilt of hurting them.

I have not transitioned yet, I'm at the stage your husband is, perhaps just a bit further along.  I am far from the best person here to answer your questions, but I hope I helped a little.

[Janes Groove]

Now he says he doesn't want to talk about it anymore and wants to put it back in the closet where it was and before I knew. How can that be possible???

It's not. As you've probably figured out by now.
Whenever I played that game, my transgender identity would be, much like that scene from Arnold Schwarzenegger's The Terminator saying, "I'll be back."

[AlyssaJ]

I'll answer your questions solely from my own perspective and what I've learned.  Obviously I don't know you guys or your history or anything so my answers may or may not apply.  They also might be similar to other answers you've gotten, that still doesn't necessarily make them accurate in your situation.

Can he go through life knowing he desires to be a woman but do nothing about it?

In my experience and what I've seen in others, no. Completely denying it will not work and eventually it will come to the forefront again and likely with more vigor than he's currently experiencing. Attempts to bury these feelings result in unhappiness, irritability and in the worst cases depression and eventual suicide.  My personal recommendation is he should talk with a professional, learn how to be honest with himself and truly connect to his feelings.

Can he have feelings of both a man and a woman?

Yes.  There are many people that identify as GenderFluid, where their gender identity actually swaps from one to the other. That said, I'll add my personal experience here.  At one point I too thought I was GenderFluid. I felt like I still had this connection to my male persona.  Well after months of therapy and peeling back 39 years worth of denial, shame and social conditioning, I found that what I thought was a connection to my male side was just more denial. I discovered that my mind was searching for comfort in the familiar experiences out of fear of the unknown.  There was also a certain amount of internalized trans-phobia, simply put I was unwilling to admit that I was transsexual.

Can he go on a low dose of HRT to get small breasts and some fat redistribution and softer skin to get just subtle changes to help his mild dysphoria?

He can go on low does HRT but the affects of it cannot be guaranteed. Sadly for each person the body's reaction can be wildly different. Honestly though he's a ways off from this.  He needs to truly come to terms with who he is and be willing to be honest with himself before making any decisions like that.  This again is where an experienced gender therapist is critical.

If he stopped HRT, could he regain function of his penis to where it was before HRT?

Again, there's a lot of factors here.  How high of a dose he was on, how long he was on, and how his body reacts to it.  There are some people I'm aware of who were on HRT for years and stopped and their equipment worked to some degree.  Sperm production is one thing I've been told does not recover, once it's gone, it's gone.  But erections and such may not actually go away or if they do may return if he stops HRT.

Why is he all of a sudden pulling back completely and trying to ignore everything?

My guess would be he's got some internalized trans-phobia himself.  Deep down he may know that he's transgender in some fashion but doesn't want to admit it to himself let alone the world. He's had years social conditioning telling him this is wrong to feel this way and that he should be ashamed.  So it can come in waves.  Not at all uncommon, even for people like me who've discovered who we are, to go through additional bouts of denial.

How do I accept and learn to incorporate this into our marriage if he won't accept it himself? He says that he had it under control before I found out by just wearing a bra and fantasizeing about being a woman while masturbating. After he was done, he would take it off immediately and be fine for awhile but still had thoughts going throughout his head often.

First of all the fact that you're asking this question is awesome.  It shows how much you care about him and how supportive you are.  Many of us don't have the luxury of a partner who feels that love and caring strong enough to get past the emotions of grief and sometimes even anger.  Ultimately he does have to accept it himself but you can help him with that by helping him see he doesn't need to be ashamed, he doesn't need to hide, he can just be honest. It'll take some time to get past the masculine shell that he's hiding in.  His experience of the connection with sexual gratification is not uncommon either.  Many of us, myself included, have been there as well.  Associating with sexual climax but always knowing there was something more.  As I look back on my life, I think that association developed because my strong feelings of gender dysphoria really kicked in during puberty about the same time I was discovering sexuality. As a result, the two seemed to be connected in my mind.  That has subsided significantly now that I've understood the separation of the two.

Any help is appreciated. I'm overwhelmed and feel like I'm on a roller coaster of emotions between grief and acceptance.

That roller coaster of feelings unfortunately is something that continues for some time. Again he's very fortunate to have someone as caring and willing to try to accept this as you are.  You'll feel grief, there's no doubt. If he eventually determines he needs to transition to being a woman, the grief will intensify.  At the same time, you seem very open minded so if you can focus on the possibility that your relationship could change but also become more rewarding, that may help you.  Most of the partners who stay with a Transgender mate seem to report that while they had to accept a new relationship dynamic, in the end for many of them it was just as or more fulfilling.

[JeanetteLW]

Hi Twoman44,

   I'm Jeanette, a 64yo MtF on HRT since December. (slight curtsy) I am also the unofficial greeter and I was sorely remiss in not greeting you last night. ( abject apologies )

   I want to welcome you to Susan's Place (late is better than never). Come on in, well I guess you did that already. Did you find a seat? Here have Dena's she's not using it atm. I hope you are comfortable.
  I also want to applaud on being a supportive SO. Not all ladies can do that. I was really touched by your concern for your husband and your willingness to reach out for help. (after all we are a strange bunch) A lot of us were not so lucky to have a spouse like you. I hope he realizes that. You're a wonderful lady.
   I cannot add anything really to what these ladies have already told you except to re-enforce the fact that your husband's behavior is not unique. I personally have been there. This denial is likely caused my many things going round and round in his head. He is going through turmoil right now trying to resolve all those thoughts. Among them front and center is his love for you. He doesn't want to hurt you with his desires. And that's another one, he can't accept his strange desires to dress up like a woman. It's just not "normal", it is "wrong", it is"unmanly", and he can't put those feelings out of his mind or reconcile it with his wants. He cannot find an acceptable balance. So what is he to do about it? he withdraws, he stops dressing, he purges, and he denies. And he feels horrible both for having such "deviant desires" and for dragging you into it. Again he loves you and doesn't want you hurt.
   If he is like I was he may eventually accept that he can come to accept it. And like me it could be enough for him for many years. He may never choose to do more. Only time will tell. Keep in mind though these terrible thoughts are like to return time and time again. Each time will be a crisis for him but they can be overcome especially with your help when he let's you help.  There is hope. I wish you both the best of luck and hope for a good resolution.

  Hugs,
   Jeanette
   

[Twoman44]

Thank you all for your responses!!!! I hear you all say we need a good gender therapist. I have made several appointments and final found a good one but.... he won't go.... He says he doesn't need help because he just doesn't need to know what it is and what it is not... so that's pretty frustrating for me when I'm really trying to get us some help. I use the masculine pronouns because he refuses to use the female ones. Last night I told him it was perfectly ok for him to dress if he wanted to (he won't do it in front of our 13 year old daughter) he put on his favorite thing to wear.... leggings.... and his bra but his regular male T shirt. H soon took it all off and put his regular male clothes back on and said he just wasn't into it lately.... he says he just wants to not feed it because he doesn't want the thoughts and that he will never take HRT or transition or dress out side the house for that matter. He says that things were under control before I knew (I caught him masturbating with my bra on) and that the desires were less than now that he has been able to dress and talk about it. He says that It's my fault because now he's forced to talk about it and is in no way going to a counselor about it. He said he wanted to keep it a secret and take it to the grave.... I just don't know what to do at this point.

[Dena]

First, you are amazing. I know it's difficult for you but you have gone way above and beyond what is required.

We are dealing with shame/embarrassment/fear and possibly a few other emotions I can't think of at the moment. He has the option of joining the site and discussing this with us but I suspect that isn't going to happen. We know these feelings will continue to build or the ability to suppress them will diminish and if they are not faced, life will become more miserable. It's not necessary to cross live or transition though many of us find it desirable. I am a little short of good idea but I will continue to think about it. In the mean time there are a few links you might find useful. The in the first two links, only the post pointed to by the link is important but you are free to read the remainder of the thread if you want. The last two threads are more directed at a possible life for your husband.

https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,189165.0.html
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,218060.msg1930448.html#msg1930448
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,207785.0.html
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,209589.0.html

[Dena]

There are many other threads  like this one but I don't want to overload you.
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,214663.0.html

[Sno]

Hi sweetie,

Sounds like a very familiar binge - purge pattern is starting to happen, the purge is denial, and the binge driven by our internal needs. Personally I'd say use this time wisely - do some reading, maybe see a therapist to talk through all of the issues that you may face - the aim of the game is to be better educated when the cycle starts again, and be prepared.

Her world will be badly shaken right now, as she may think that everything is at stake. She obviously adores you, to be able to try to bury how she feels - she possibly believes she's doing it for you, to be the man she feels you deserve.

You also adore her (although that probably seems an odd thing to hear right now), as you are wanting to develop understanding, and are looking for help and support for yourself.

This thread may be interesting, as it could give some insight into what she is feeling right now, and how much of her world may seem to be in jeopardy.

https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,207772.0.html

However bad she is feeling right now, she will have to get to a place where seeking help is viable option, and not afraid of coming out to a complete stranger, and she will need to set her own pace.

It's great that you have already found a good potential therapist to support your journeys, and you have all of us lovely folk here at Susan's, and we will do our best to help

(Hugs)

Rowan

[Twoman44]

You ladies are awesome! Unfortunately I'm sitting in a bar by myself wondering what is going on... he is pushing me away and it's very difficult to reach him right now. I have told him over and over that I accept him male or female even though I'm pretty scared. I tell him that I don't want him to put @her" in the closet... he just st won't talk about it. What's funny is last weekend I did his full make up and helped him shave his legs and fully dress. I told him he looked great. He loved it! He still says that he does not want to become a woman (but I think that's not true) he says "I'm a man" he just had a remind side (there isn't one thing feminine about him ... freaking out tonight. It's him pushing me away not the other way around. I'm scared we won't make it with his attitude...

[Dena]

You may have to back off and wait for him to get comfortable with the idea or for the urge to return in force. We have a member who has spend nearly a year becoming comfortable with the idea and it was a battle all the way.

[JeanetteLW]

Hi Jeanette here again,

I will offer my 2 cents to you. it's not much but it's all I have.  At this point IMO it would probably be best to back off a bit and let this phase play itself out. I know you want to help her but he/she is in a place where nothing you do will help other than be there for him and her; He is going to fight with her until she eventually wears him down and then you'll be able to help.
  You have had a lot of very good suggestions and the best I saw was for you yourself to find out more about this thing we go through. I have been where he is now. Quite a few times. I would guess most of us here have. He will have to work this part out for himself. It is admirable your desire to help , understand and support him/her but I don't think there is a whole lot you can do right now.
  Like I said that's my 2 cents, it isn't worth much. It is but my opinion.

Hugs for you,
   Jeanette

[Dena]

Possibly suggest a few visits to a therapist and if you don't like it you can quit. If offered HRT, try it for a month and if you don't like it, you can quit. It takes more than a month to make noticeable changes to the body but only a week or two for the mental changes to set in.

The secret to transition is not to look at the whole problem at once. If you do, it looks impossible. Instead consider it a series of baby steps. Deal with a small part of the whole and it's doable.

[Twoman44]

I have to say I love this website and all of you. Even though I myself am not Trans I respect you all for what you have to go through everyday just to be happy! Having my husband admit to me about his "feminine side" as he calls it (he still won't say he feels like a woman in a man's body) had opened my eyes to this new world of accepting people for who they are. My husband as always been anti LGBTQ. But I think that was because he was hiding from himself. I started seeing a change in him (around the time Bruce Jenner came out) but I couldn't understand what was going on!  I'm going to take your advice and back off for awhile and let him be just man right now and let things cool off for a bit. But I'm sure the urge (he says it can become pretty strong sometimes) will be back soon and I'll be back on the roller coaster as he will be too. I have a few new questions. I hope you don't mind.... you ladies are my best source for understanding right now since my husband can't tell me as he doesn't really know how to answer the questions and right now he doesn't want to talk about any of it...
1.earlier I asked about HRT (something my husband deeply wants but says he won't do). Someone mentioned that the low dose can help calm the mind and thoughts. My husband read that. What does that actually mean? How does it calm your thoughts? Also given in low doses, what are the body changes that can be expected? I ask because he says if he could just get small breast development, some softer skin, his fat to redistribute, and his thoughts to all down he would welcome those changes. But... he wants them to be subtle changes so that people on the outside won't really notice too much but he and I will know what's underneath the clothes.
2. What if he battles this the rest of his life because he's afraid of loosing friends and family, his lifestyle (he is a manly man who hunts, fishes, drinks beer (alcoholic) and chews tobacco! There is nothing feminine about him. That's why it's such a shock to me. He was the last person I though would be female deep down.
3.earlier I mentioned my attraction was toward men not women (we are pretty but I'm not sexually attracted to them) but I love the person I'm married to not just the man part of him. I'm f he was to go on HRT, our sex life would be completely different.... I love having PIV sex... he says that's one reason he would not want to do HRT as he loves it too. Is there a way to have it both ways? How would sex be if he couldn't t anymore? We have tried toys but they don't do anything for me... we did try anal on him (he wanted to try, women get penetrated during sex right?)..... he can't handle it... he has had an issue with hemoroids before (I know TMI). So I'm asking because I'm not orried about that. As a woman, I love the closeness that PIV brings to me.
I sure hope you don't mind all of these questions from me. I'm really trying to learn, understand, be supportive, and be as accepting as I can be. But at the same time I'm feelings by bad for his struggle and I'm grieving for the loss of what I thought my marriage looked like.

[Daniellekai]

I can't say about the HRT, don't have it yet, and I've been more interested in the full dose... Many of us DO battle it our whole lives for those reasons, I've even heard of girls coming out in their seventies, it's very much YMMV, but the common thread is that they generally wish they hadn't waited so long. It's unfortunately a decision that we have to come to ourselves though, if someone else is pushing it'll probably cause a recoil from it.

PIV on low dose should still be possible, but again YMMV. Some women are able to even with full dose, but they make this desire clear to their endocrinologist who carefully adjusts the dosing, but it's different for everyone, we all react differently to it. From what I can tell from reading about it in the cases where they can still get and maintain erection, it "works differently", more like an oversized clitoris... I'm not sure what that means exactly because I'm not there yet, but keep in mind that sexual function is something that's different for all of us.