Here I go again :-(

[SailorMars1994]

Oh girl I am sure you will get all that you want soon!! it just take time. Inbox me if you ever wana talk ok ?

PS: You would only freeze in a Canadian weather dependent on where you live. Back when I grew up in Victoria British Columbia i recall some winters we would not only not get any snow, but we wouldnt even hit the freezing mark. In fact in Janurary in Victoria it is possible to go out jogging in a t-shirt and see trees starting to bloom again !.. Places like Winnipeg Manitoba... yeah, they get that massive deep freeze we are famous for

Also... post #200

[jentay1367]

  Ohhh I'm not going anywhere, or at least not yet. I may have to move to a different place but I do like Oregon. I am close to the VA hospital here and they've been taking pretty good care of me with my cancer worries and mt gender issues so far. My sister is also near hospitals here and getting her to one quickly has been a priority a couple times. She had to be taken to one only a mile away once because the ambulance crew didn't think she would make it to the Kaiser on 15 miles away. So hospitals are a pretty important considerations to us. We even have an SRS doctor in Portland. Oregon is a more trans friendly place than a lot of other places and it isn't likely to change anytime soon with our lesbian Governor.   Rents are getting way out of control though.

  Jentay,  Missouri is tempting for fishing and low housing costs. Plus my friends live there. It does tend to get more snow and cold there too.
  Canada wouldn't work Ashley because I would freeze to death the first winter.

On a different note, due to my sister not being home I was able to get up this morning, change out of my nightie and put on my bra, red & black top and slim woman's jeans with sandals, Shaved and put on my wig and earrings then cooked my breakfast.  It feels good to dress properly.

  Just being wistful and daydreaming of greener pastures.

Hugs,
    Jeanette

I feel ya' girl...I live on Lake of the Ozarks. Selling her this Spring to fund this stuff



This ones not mine cuz I don't have image hosting, but they're the same. I'm going to miss her.

[p]

So glad that the trip was a success and that you made it home safely. Sorry to hear that your sister isn't doing well. But on the bright side, it sounds like your time to yourself in the apartment was just lovely and relaxing, and a nice chance to be yourself in your own home. Love, P 

[JeanetteLW]

Thanks p,

  The visit was very good for me. It was so nice to be with friends that were completely non judgemental when I told them. I did not shock them with female dress while I was there though. I did indulge some while traveling there and back.  First order of business upon arriving at home was to repaint my toe nails a nice metallic pink and a complete shave of the forest that had sprouted while I was gone. A liberal coating of moisturizer was also in order. It's good to be home again.

  My sister is still being kept in the hospital though she sounded better yesterday when we talked. I  had to be a little more careful in my attire as my nephew is supposed to drop by to leave here ID and medical cards here for when I go retrieve her. By drop by I mean he walks right in because my sister gave him a key a long time ago and being family  her sons walk right in much to my chagrin.

   I have an appointment with my therapist today and need to correct a couple  statements he made in his notes that aren't quite correct. One of which he has the idea I am dying of cancer fairly soon and am dealing with end of life issues. Yes, I've been told I have terminal cancer twice with only a few months to live. (let me tell you that's the pits to hear) But after undergoing are hard treatment the prognosis was changed to "more that 6 months"   I know that doesn't sound much better but that was over 2 years ago and there hasn't been any sign of it returning.  I should ask my oncologist if I am still considered terminal.  At any rate I put my affairs in order before the treatment but I do not feel I am still dealing with end of life issues. I'm living life while I can.
   I also have the experience of coming out to my daughter and her family along with the better coming out to my friends in Missouri to discuss with him.

  Well it's almost time to go so I will end this update for now.

Hugs,
    Jeanette

[LizK]

Hi Jeanette

Just wrote you a nice long answer but.....
of course the board did one of its refresh things and I lost the lot...so this is the second attempt.

Great to hear that you had a good time with your friends and were able to relax. From what you describe the cancer would appear to be in remission. Lets hope it stays there.

Therapists can be a bit of a double edged sword...I unfortunately am simply going through the motions with mine because I have too see him to get my GCS letter. This appears to be the next looming battle...but if push comes top shove I will go offshore for surgery if I have too. My other specialists want me to stay in Aust for any surgery, so far I have agreed.

Always nice to be home, especially after a few days away

Liz

[JeanetteLW]

Hi Liz. 

  Oh how I hate losing those good long responses. Yes, it has happened to me several times and you can never remember all the good stuff you've said the first time.
  I straightening out my therapist and we discussed my revelations at my daughters and my Mizzery friends and their polar opposite reactions. I told him of my daughter's dismissal of my therapy with her statement that if you go to a gender therapist he/she are going to find gender problems. I also told him that even to me my being diagnosis with gender dysphoria seems almost enabling because of the ease at which I got put on hrt and got into therapy for it. It seems almost all I had to do was say I was trans and I'm getting HRT and therapy. Really for me it was that easy. Either it was patently obvious or anyone can do it.
  Dealing with being trans on the other hand is no piece of cake. I have hardly done anything for my own acceptance of being trans or taken steps to further my progress towards becoming a woman. At times I'm not sure I want to.
Yet I feel that I should be doing something more.
  I set my next session for next month. He was open to seeing me in a week, or two or even me just giving him a call when I felt I needed another session. I decided that since I wasn't in or couldn't see a looming crisis I still wanted a scheduled session. I know if it was left to me to call when I felt a need I wouldn't. Better to touch base with him regularly.

   Looks like I have a couple more days to myself as they've told my sister she won't be released from the hospital for at least 2 more days.

    That's the status now. I get to fend for myself and have more time to be me for a couple days.

  Hugs,
    Jeanette

[Cindy]

Hi Jeanette,

I was interested in your comment about not having done anything for your own acceptance of being trans. Possibly part of this comes from your living arrangements. As your privacy is limited you may have some subconscious fear of being you that is holding you back. Often our first times in acceptance is 'the trip outside as me just because I am'. By which I mean the every day humdrum, going to do the groceries or weekly store shop as you, as every one does. It isn't the night out or the special occasion, it is just normal life and can be wonderfully liberating.

Maybe while your sister is in hospital you can make such an opportunity? No reason to get dressed to the 9's, just every day clothes and go to the store and buy some grocery items for the week?

You may find it very relaxing (after the initial terror!) and it may give you a bit of a kick to get going.

I don't want to see you falling into a 'I'm on HRT and that is enough to cope with' syndrome. You have lots of life to live and I want you out there living it.

So says Mummy Cindy 

[Janes Groove]

Dealing with being trans on the other hand is no piece of cake. I have hardly done anything for my own acceptance of being trans or taken steps to further my progress towards becoming a woman. At times I'm not sure I want to.
Yet I feel that I should be doing something more.
  I set my next session for next month.

Sounds like you're getting close to the heart of the matter.  I was going to therapy once a week when I was first starting out.  It seems like a lot. But once I got to my therapy session?  Surprise, surprise. There was always enough to talk about the fill the whole hour and then some.  It's a very fragile time.  When we are first starting on this path.  So why not try once a week?  Good God! Enough sermonizing Jane!!!

Anyway. Glad you had a fun time in Missou, I've been to some beautiful fishin' holes myself there too fishin' with m'kinfolk down south of Springfield.

What Cindy said about going out is a great idea.  Maybe just a trip to the $ store or Walmart even when like me you ever get that "I'm all dressed up and no place to go" feeling.

[JeanetteLW]

Maybe while your sister is in hospital you can make such an opportunity? No reason to get dressed to the 9's, just every day clothes and go to the store and buy some grocery items for the week?

You may find it very relaxing (after the initial terror!) and it may give you a bit of a kick to get going.


So says Mummy Cindy 

What Cindy said about going out is a great idea.  Maybe just a trip to the $ store or Walmart even when like me you ever get that "I'm all dressed up and no place to go" feeling.

  Ganging up on me are you two?

  I'm considering it.... okay?   It's just that terrifying part, that terrifies me.

  Hugs,
   Jeanette

[Rayna]

I already told the story of going out crossdressed for a bike ride, and being forced to go to Safeway.  It all was fine, nobody said a thing (or as far as I can tell, even noticed), except the checker and she gave me a big smile.  Probably never see her again anyway.  What's to lose?

[JeanetteLW]

I already told the story of going out crossdressed for a bike ride, and being forced to go to Safeway.  It all was fine, nobody said a thing (or as far as I can tell, even noticed), except the checker and she gave me a big smile.  Probably never see her again anyway.  What's to lose?

  It's still light out and I'd have to get out of my apartment complex.

[JeanetteLW]

Hi Jeanette,

I was interested in your comment about not having done anything for your own acceptance of being trans. Possibly part of this comes from your living arrangements. As your privacy is limited you may have some subconscious fear of being you that is holding you back. Often our first times in acceptance is 'the trip outside as me just because I am'. By which I mean the every day humdrum, going to do the groceries or weekly store shop as you, as every one does. It isn't the night out or the special occasion, it is just normal life and can be wonderfully liberating.

Maybe while your sister is in hospital you can make such an opportunity? No reason to get dressed to the 9's, just every day clothes and go to the store and buy some grocery items for the week?

You may find it very relaxing (after the initial terror!) and it may give you a bit of a kick to get going.

I don't want to see you falling into a 'I'm on HRT and that is enough to cope with' syndrome. You have lots of life to live and I want you out there living it.

So says Mummy Cindy 

  I got all dressed. even took pictures (see avatar) and chickened out when I saw it was raining some and didn't have a woman's coat to wear. All I have is a light 3/4 sleeve sweater.

  Jeanette

[Janes Groove]

  It's still light out and I'd have to get out of my apartment complex.

Neighbors. I hear ya. That's a tough one.  All my neighbors saw me living as a man for a couple years before I started going out en femme.  They never were friendly or liked me before and now they are not very freindly nor do they like me now.  But at least NOW they don't like ME.  Not the guy who used to give 2 figs about what they think.

[Cindy]

Neighbours take me back several years.

"We saw a woman drive off in your car yesterday"

That was me.

"Oh"

End of story.

Why does it have to be a woman's jacket to get rain on? Sounds as i a trip out to buy an umbrella is called for.

Me pushy?

[Tessa James]

I guess you and I will have to go out together then Jeanette.  I'm coming over the Coast Range to your Willamette Valley on Sunday.  Let's go to the mall downtown girlfriend.  You can wear whatever you have or we can find something for you.

[LizK]

Oh hell the old self acceptance thing again... If you were to see my therapist she thinks that self acceptance is paramount to ever being happy, her thinking is because if we don't have self acceptance will we ever be pretty enough?,  lose enough weight?, have the right hair?, the right shape?, maybe we just won't ever be "Trans enough"....you can see where no self acceptance will take you...it certainly took me there...but with self acceptance comes the joy of just being.

Hugs

Liz

[Shy]

Hope your sister is o.k. Jeanette. I must be a worry for you on top of everything.

As far as walking out the door, I find it to be a bit like forging steel. You heat up, bash yourself about for a while and then quickly cool down with a shock. Rinse and repeat until you're tempered enough to face the world.
I started presenting with just a handbag and purse until they became the normal, comfortable accessories. Getting used to not stuffing things in my pockets took a while. You'll find the way that's right for you, we're all different.

So glad you're friend accepted you:) 

Peace and love and all that good stuff,

Sadie (not so shy anymore:) )

[jentay1367]

Looks like I have a couple more days to myself as they've told my sister she won't be released from the hospital for at least 2 more days.

    That's the status now. I get to fend for myself and have more time to be me for a couple days.

  Hugs,
    Jeanette

For you to sacrifice being yourself for your sisters sake must make her terribly important in your world. It would seem she supercedes you. I don't know if I could or ever have loved one so much. That to me almost seems altruism bordering on martyrdom.

[HappyMoni]

Jeanette,

   I love your new avatar. Next picture I would add only one thing. I  would like to see your smile. Other than that you got it!
   
   Fear of going out is so hard to deal with. I would never minimize how difficult it is to do. You may just have to do it without paying attention to that fear for a brief period. One foot in front of another, keep your eyes on the prize. I think you will find it freeing. Good luck Girl!

Moni

[Rayna]

It really helps to have support from somebody else when you go out. Tessa's offer sounds really nice -- I recommend taking her up on it.

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