Here I go again :-(

[HappyMoni]

Thank you Moni,

These picture are just to show the places I have for my walks here by my apartment. They are so much nicer than walking through the businesses and some of the residential areas. They do have their peaceful spots where it's quiet and tranquil. Almost as if I didn't live right behind a fancy schmancy yuppie shopping area packed with people i can't relate to and shops that have nothing for me. Well maybe the nail salon someday...

How are you doing Moni? Are you getting apprehensive about your upcoming surgery? About driving you nuts? Oh wait it couldn't do that you are already there. lol Do you realize that the way things are going my road trip could put me in the area right smack when you won't be wanting visitors? It could happen...
  I hope you are not starting to worry too much Moni.

Hugs,
   Laurie

Laurie,
   I am doing pretty good. I am awaiting confirmation that my surgeon has all she needs from me. Once that happens, I will relax even more. I am not worried about the surgery. I kind of think I am somewhat experienced for what might happen after the disaster surrounding my FFS  surgery(s). I will do a lot of yard work after school (my job) is done  in three weeks. Other than that, I have been enjoying joking with you and the other kids here. I think you have them convinced I am a  little  looney tunes. Starting  to believe it myself, you do such a good job.
   How about you, are you starting to feel more confident? Any more relaxed being out now?
   If you are headed this way I would love to meet you, either here or the recovery house in Philly. That should give you a good laugh at the mess I will probably be at that point. Well I only get so much time before they get me back in my straight jacket, so I better end this. lol
Moni

[Laurie]

Laurie,
   I am doing pretty good. I am awaiting confirmation that my surgeon has all she needs from me. Once that happens, I will relax even more. I am not worried about the surgery. I kind of think I am somewhat experienced for what might happen after the disaster surrounding my FFS  surgery(s). I will do a lot of yard work after school (my job) is done  in three weeks. Other than that, I have been enjoying joking with you and the other kids here. I think you have them convinced I am a  little  looney tunes. Starting  to believe it myself, you do such a good job.
   How about you, are you starting to feel more confident? Any more relaxed being out now?
   If you are headed this way I would love to meet you, either here or the recovery house in Philly. That should give you a good laugh at the mess I will probably be at that point. Well I only get so much time before they get me back in my straight jacket, so I better end this. lol
Moni

Moni,

  I'll have you know I didn't have to do much convincing the other ladies as to your mental state. You've done such a good job at that yourself. I just provided a scosh (little bit) of reinforcement to help you solidify their suspicions.
  I'm glad to hear you are somewhat under control in regards to the big event itself if not elsewhere.

As for "are you starting to feel more confident? Any more relaxed being out now?" the only answer is HECK NO!!!! I am terrified to see how someone reacts to me walking by so I look elsewhere or keep my head down. My heart goes into AFib when I see I am approaching someone and nearly into cardiac arrest when I saw so many people at the park and that I had to actually walk among them to get through. It was Terrifying!! I mean I was there in broad daylight!  What the heck was I thinking?
  Yep, that about summed it up for you. One on one with someone that knows already is one thing but to be out among people that don't is completely different.

Hugs,
  Laurie

[Michelle_P]

Laurie, one of the nicest things about going for a walk is that you get outside, a bit less isolated and a bit more reconnected with the human race.

Here's a secret for you!  The other people out there are not playing "spot the transwoman."  It is unlikely in the course of a day that they even think about trans people existing. They are far more concerned with not tripping over their own feet as they walk, not bumping into others, and just making it through their day.

As long as you don't draw too much attention with inappropriate presentation, nobody will look twice at you. (And if you go for a walk in the park wearing a cocktail dress or evening gown expect to be stared at and clocked!  Valuable tip there! [emoji6])



Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[HappyMoni]

Don't fret, at some point, you will wonder why you ever worried. I read a book on fear that helped me out a lot. If you imagine the worst case scenario, say someone says something stupid to you. Whatever that thing might be for you, personally. Then ask if it happens, can I handle it.  If it ain't gonna kill you, go into it saying to yourself that you can handle even the worst. Most likely, you will see nothing close to the worst.
Moni
I did do a good job of crazying myself up, didn't I?

[Laurie]

Laurie, one of the nicest things about going for a walk is that you get outside, a bit less isolated and a bit more reconnected with the human race.

Here's a secret for you!  The other people out there are not playing "spot the transwoman."  It is unlikely in the course of a day that they even think about trans people existing. They are far more concerned with not tripping over their own feet as they walk, not bumping into others, and just making it through their day.

As long as you don't draw too much attention with inappropriate presentation, nobody will look twice at you. (And if you go for a walk in the park wearing a cocktail dress or evening gown expect to be stared at and clocked!  Valuable tip there! [emoji6])

Michelle,

   Thank you for the pep talk, it is appreciated, I know those things, I really do. From all my times driving en femme when I was just a crossdresser I have understood the theory of hiding in plain sight. However inside I haven't been able to convince myself of the truth in it.  Call me paranoid but being seen, scares me. I could possibly pass a thousand people an not get a reaction but I fear that one person that will. Kids scare me more than adults because they have no filters to keep it to themselves where and adult may clock me and say nothing.  It only takes one.
  This is a clear case where my mind has no control over it mattering.

  On my walk today I saw less people than I did yesterday but I could not leave the apartment en femme because we had a number of contract workers coming and going to their trucks which were parked right outside my apartment. Most have likely seen me dressed en femme through the windows as I was in the kitchen cooking breakfast with and without a wig. I'm sure most if not all have seen me yet I could not bring myself to go outside dressed in front of them. Irrational I know but it is what it is.

  Hugs,
    Laurie

[Shy]

Whatever you've been doing these past few months Laurie keep doing it. Geez you've achieved so much in such a short space of time. You've certainly inspired and helped me to move forward

The cross over point between yourself and hiding away isn't a gaping chasm or a raging tempest, the playground of Gods and monsters. That's the controlling illusion of social expectation. In reality it's a hare's breath away, a blink of an eye, a quiet whisper that says "it's o.k. to be me"

Thing is with teenagers I was terrified of them before my social transition and I'm terrified of them now, nothing's changed there.

Peace and love and all that good stuff,

Sadie

[Michelle_P]

Laurie, I think you are doing great.

Going for walks is a really good exercise.  Oh, the physical exercise helps, but the real exercise is in exposing ourselves to the outside world, practicing what we know in theory to be true, and desensitizing ourselves to that ancient 'fear of being caught'.

You and I both know that almost nobody is playing 'spot the transperson' out there, but we still fear it, and the imagined consequences ("Invasion of the Body Snatchers"; all the pod people turn, point at us at the same time, and hiss!).   Even if noticed, the worst that usually happens is we get a dirty look from someone.  Meh...

By getting out in the world every day and just going about our business we desensitize ourselves to the inappropriate fears, and eventually are just experienceing the 'normal' fears any woman has when out in the world.  *SIGH*

[Laurie]

Morning ladies,

  Thank you both for the continued pep talks and praise. It's nice to read that others think you are doing well and it keeps the incentive fresh.

Sadie,
   I think you give me too much credit. You do what you yourself are wanting to do. It's not a competition. We each have our goals and yes they do overlap in them, but when it comes down to it we do things at our own pace when we push ourselves out of that cozy comfort zone. By doing so we grow within ourselves. Sure others help by encouraging us and gentle nudging or down right cajoling and it all helps us move forward, but it's you foot that has to move, your weight that shifts, that propels you into that next step. No one does that for another. You do it yourself, Sadie. And you have been making big strides recently. Keep it up.

  Michelle,
    I like your colorful imaging. Invasion of the body snatchers indeed. Something or someone has invaded my body and mind since December. It's taken over my life and has a life of it's own. All it's taken is some acceptance of what I  am and who I want to be. I'm still working on that though. That one thing has led to another and another and with the help of you ladies I keep moving forward. Your description sound a lot like those awful zombie shows and movies. There has never been a good one in my opinion. I'm see them arm outstretched (the other arm is usually broken or missing parts if not altogether) mouths open and drooling while hissing at the victim and I laugh at the sheer absurdity of it.
  My idea of zombie is more like the voodoo variety. A poor soul controlled by an evil voodoo priest. Hey! That sounds a lot like me when I leave home en femme to do your (all of Susan's denizens) biddings doesn't it? LOL  I'll get there someday Michelle. Thanks.

Hugs,
   Laurie

[Rayna]

I've been mostly away for awhile, but fun to touch base and see what is going on in this thread.  I'm glad to see the biting ("joking" ha) has subsided. You people are all such supportive, positive people, even when you pretend not to be.

Laurie, I'm looking forward to your trip, whenever it happens (as long as it's not after July 3, when I have my own trip).  Moni, good luck with the surgery anticipation.

Getting out in the world, lady, you are doing it!  Yes, terrifying, but as Michelle says, most people really aren't paying attention to you.  I've had the same feeling, and nobody has yet said a word.
Randy

[Laurie]

I've been mostly away for awhile, but fun to touch base and see what is going on in this thread.  I'm glad to see the biting ("joking" ha) has subsided. You people are all such supportive, positive people, even when you pretend not to be.

Laurie, I'm looking forward to your trip, whenever it happens (as long as it's not after July 3, when I have my own trip).  Moni, good luck with the surgery anticipation.

Getting out in the world, lady, you are doing it!  Yes, terrifying, but as Michelle says, most people really aren't paying attention to you.  I've had the same feeling, and nobody has yet said a word.
Randy

Well hello there Randy,

   I was beginning to think you had gotten lost again. Yes, Moni and the others have settled down somewhat but you better believe I am going to keep an eye on her. Liz is MIA (I think she is off partying) Sadie has gone wild with her new found playground she claims is a salon. I'm the only normal one around here. But you knew that already.
  Yes I have been out strolling nervously through the neighborhood. In fact I did it again this evening. I went back through the park again like I did before only this time it wasn't packed with people. There were some there but not that many. Still I did have to walk past quite a few. The first heart in throat time was going past a group og guys hanging out on both sides of the path. I lower my head and plowed on through. I didn't hear a word from them, nor any others that I walked by today. It was still a bit nerve racking but no where near what I felt on Monday. I even walk a bit further and a little longer doing 3.1 miles in 1 hr 10 minutes. I know no big deal but it is burning more calories than sitting in this chair chatting with you. Anyway I did make it home safely again and am reporting my escapades like a good girl.
  That's about all for this evening.

Hugs,
    Laurie

Sorry I forgot the proof:

[Cindy]

Dear Laurie,

I'm not sure if you noticed but there appears to be a rather large rabbit sitting in the front seat of the red car behind you.

I was going to shout out but my voice doesn't carry from more than a few feet away.

[Laurie]

Dear Laurie,

I'm not sure if you noticed but there appears to be a rather large rabbit sitting in the front seat of the red car behind you.

I was going to shout out but my voice doesn't carry from more than a few feet away.

  Hi Cindy,

  You have a voice again!!! Now did they teach you how to talk with it or are they giving everyone you know there an extended break? Carrying or not I'm betting you are overjoyed to be able to make yourself heard once again.

  Oh you mean Harvey! Yeah, Moni sends him out to follow me around and keep an eye on my. He seems harmless still. Honestly I didn't know he could drive. Hmm I wonder if he has a license... probably not. Oh well anyway, Yeah I see him pop in and out at the edges of my vision. You can't see him if you try to look straight at him.

   BTW Cindy what have you done with Liz? She seems a little quiet since getting back from that reunion. I do hope it went well for her, It sounded like she was so looking forward to it and then she's been kinda quiet. Missing her as I do you when you make yourself scarce.
 
  Did you shout for joy when they gave you permission to talk again?

  Hugs,
    Laurie

[Shy]

Messing about on the river eh? All dressed up eh? Seeing invisible white rabbits eh? Stomping through groups of strangers eh?

Good for you for getting the exercise in, physically and mentally. Never a dull moment for us girls eh?

Peace and love and all that good stuff,

Sadie

[Laurie]

Messing about on the river eh? All dressed up eh? Seeing invisible white rabbits eh? Stomping through groups of strangers eh?

Good for you for getting the exercise in, physically and mentally. Never a dull moment for us girls eh?

Peace and love and all that good stuff,

Sadie

Hi Sadie,

  The rabbit is Moni's doing.  Yeah I was of of the apartment again tempting fate. I survive one again unscathed.

  They tell me someday I might be able to go outside dress as I prefer with fear. I'm not sure I should believe such nonsense talk though.

Laurie

[jentay1367]

Wait? What did you do with Laurie?

[Michelle_P]

Laurie, a year ago I was in your exact position.  I had gone out as myself to therapy, once to a Starbucks by therapy, and once to an Ulta store.  I was scared to death to do that.

Seven months ago I came out to everyone, and went full time.  Since then, well...


Oh, notice how I tend to smile?  I didn't do that at all 16 months ago.

Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

[Laurie]

Laurie, a year ago I was in your exact position.  I had gone out as myself to therapy, once to a Starbucks by therapy, and once to an Ulta store.  I was scared to death to do that.

Seven months ago I came out to everyone, and went full time.  Since then, well...

Morning Michelle,

  Fine! Oh great!  You're telling me in 7 months I'll be making public appearances and giving presentations?

  That's It then, I'm becoming a recluse, a hermit.

LOL I see what you're doing the Michelle, trying to bolster my confidence and offering encouragement. Well I'm having none of it you hear me? Just kidding of course. Thank you Michelle. I'm working on it.

  At the moment I'm coming and going to the laundry room at my apartment. I'm wearing my black athletic shoes with purple trim and laces. ladies boot cut jeans, a bra, guy T shirt and CZ stud earrings. Clear polish on my long nails and one day's growth on my face in prep for a 2 hour electrocution on Saturday.
  And the place is crawling with contract workers all over out there.

  See? I'm working on it.

Hugs,
   Laurie

[p]

I think I am seeing a smile creep across your face in some of those last pictures, Laurie--and how nice it is to see! So glad that these walks have been going well for you. Big hugs!, P

[Laurie]

I think I am seeing a smile creep across your face in some of those last pictures, Laurie--and how nice it is to see! So glad that these walks have been going well for you. Big hugs!, P

Hey p, Thanks!

Smile? Oh that, I was just following orders from others when I first posted a couple pictures. (They chewed me out for not smiling)

  How are you doing p? Haven't heard much from you lately. Can't have you off hiding in a corner.

Hugs,
   Laurie

[Rayna]

That wasn't a smile, it was just gas.

Oh wait, she's a bit older than that

Love Randy

Sent from my Victor 9000 using Tapatalk