Here I go again :-(

[LizK]

  Hi Steph(anie)

It also took me getting to a place where I could see the end of the road i was on. I'm afraid of that end, I've been close to it before and I don't want to go there again..............

btw Today was a better day than I've been having.

Hugs,
  Laurie

Hugs

You have done the hardest part...you asked for and will get the help you need and to me that is the important part. You did it...

Hugs
Liz

[Laurie]

  A few days ago while in one of my more brilliant states of mind I deactivated my facebook account. It seemed like it took a couple days to work because this morning I got inquiries from four of my closer friends wanting to know why. one of them I got away with telling I was just tired of it and the crap on it these days. Two I had to tell a little more  and a bit about my having some depression. 
  The last was a phone call from my friend Peggy in Missouri, she is one of those that I let get too close and she wasn't buying any of my downplaying efforts and excuses. So what ensued was at least a half an hour of tears as I told her what's been going on with me. I only got her off the phone when my cordless was running out of battery power. So the morning was a little rough and it kind of left me in a blah mood.  I haven't been on very much today and spent the better part of the day on my bed with old reruns on the TV and dozing off and on.

  Not a bad day I'd say, but  I have had better.

Hugs,
   Laurie

[HappyMoni]

Laurie,
   I am wondering if you notice any correlation between feeling worse or better and being out and about or staying in. I guess I am wondering if isolating yourself in the house is hurting you verses going out and being among the living. (the computer not counting as living in this case.) For me, I have to mix it up. My coworker invited me out to a bar to meet and hear his wife sing. Being a non drinker (usually) and with a voice that doesn't carry well in noise, (and ears that don't hear that great)  I was not really excited to go, but I did. I had a real nice time. Sometimes maybe it is worth stretching ourselves a bit out of the comfort zone  and being active in new things. Just a thought. Best part is ya don't have to plan it.
Monica

[Kendra]

Laurie... I so much wish I could cheer you up more.  Others here have better words of wisdom than I can come up with but I should mention I tossed my Facebook account several months ago.  I'm not saying that's the best solution for everyone but Facebook started reminding me of high school drama with very little upside.  And I became fed up with Facebook's constantly shifting definition of privacy settings and customer data.  I don't miss it. 

People I want to know are here and/or in my phonebook.  The time I previously spent on Facebook is better used for real friends in person, or that thing called a voice call.

[LizK]

Hi Laurie

I had a really good post written and as usual the page refreshed and I lost the lot so will try and paraphrase what I was saying.

I think Moni has a really good point as I can remember feeling all sorts of anxiety before venturing out the door as Liz before going fulltime. I still get that anxiety but now the moment I am out the door the anxiety falls away and off I go. I cannot always pinpoint the cause but I do know that getting out more is better for me. The more I get out the4 better I feel and the better I feel the more I get out...

As far as Facebook goes I am rap[idly getting fed up with the constant "bubble" it leaves you in. I have used it to communicate with my family in the past but I suspect it has lost much of that appeal for me now as most don't even respond to my posts and it is complete Stoney silence when I post something trans related....I am considering removing myself quietly as I doubt anyone will really notice or maybe I will separate family and friends for a start.

[Michelle_P]

Well, Laurie, if you need a reason to get out, the honey badgers would like some exercise chasing someone off, there's ample parking under my building for a wily huntress to hide her truck, and a pretty nice sofa bed for the victorious huntress.  You'd have to stalk me at Mt Lassen or the ham radio license classes Oct 4-7, though, so be forwarned.


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

[Laurie]

Hi peoples,

  Thanks for the ideas. i didn't come on the boards yesterday because I was in a weird place yesterday. Not a bad place but neither a good one. I spent most of the day in bed., sleeping most of the time.

  More fallout from deactivating faceplant came in the form of a message yesterday from a long time friend's wife when she noticed I was not on her friend list any more. In it she says "I am sorry that we aren't able to handle your transition, I have so many memories of you and am afraid to acknowledge you as a woman.  I hope that makes sense.  Bottom line is I love you and don't want to lose touch."  So I guess that means I've lost another couple I care about.. but in a nice way. It still means the same thing. Shades of Queen's "Another One Bites The Dust"  yep another one down, well two actually.

   I wasn't going to hit the boards either but after seeing the news in Vegas at 2am and watching until after 4 before taking a nap, I thought there might be an increased need for moderators so I signed in. Thankfully there hasn't been any real impact here in Susan's yet. Perhaps everyone is still trying to process it and the anger and outrage will come later. God Bless you all and my sympathy to those that may have been involved or know someone that has been impacted by it.

  I'm still waiting for the call to set an appointment with the shrink. The longer I wait the more I begin questioning if I need to. No there has been a magical recovery but I am feeling a bit better. Maybe I was overreacting.
  currently i'm trying not to doze at the keyboard and losing so I will just go and crawl back into bed again.

[KathyLauren]

Sorry to hear about your friends, Laurie.  I guess it's better that they did it nicely than nastily, but wanting to stay in touch with that other guy doesn't really cut it.  Sad.

  I'm still waiting for the call to set an appointment with the shrink. The longer I wait the more I begin questioning if I need to. No there has been a magical recovery but I am feeling a bit better. Maybe I was overreacting.
  currently i'm trying not to doze at the keyboard and losing so I will just go and crawl back into bed again.

I am glad that you are feeling a bit better.  But when the call comes with an appointment, take it.  Wouldn't it be nice if he told you that you didn't need to see him after all?  But realistically, you have some stuff to talk about.  Better to deal with it with a professional.

[Charlie Nicki]

More fallout from deactivating faceplant came in the form of a message yesterday from a long time friend's wife when she noticed I was not on her friend list any more. In it she says "I am sorry that we aren't able to handle your transition, I have so many memories of you and am afraid to acknowledge you as a woman.  I hope that makes sense.  Bottom line is I love you and don't want to lose touch."  So I guess that means I've lost another couple I care about.. but in a nice way. It still means the same thing. Shades of Queen's "Another One Bites The Dust"  yep another one down, well two actually.

Are you sure that that's what she meant? It seems to me like she thought you deleted her as a contact, and said that as in "maybe I'm not handling this as well as I though and you deleted me for that, but I don't want to lose touch". I mean if she really wanted to cut you off she wouldn't have sent anything in the first place.

[Laurie]

Are you sure that that's what she meant? It seems to me like she thought you deleted her as a contact, and said that as in "maybe I'm not handling this as well as I though and you deleted me for that, but I don't want to lose touch". I mean if she really wanted to cut you off she wouldn't have sent anything in the first place.

Nicki

Yes Debbie did think I removed her from my friend list. I still have messenger and the list is intact but no one can see that due to the way the POS app works.  Apps ALWAYS suck because they are written for idiots to use and normal people let them get away with it. But that a whole different bitch. regardless it doesn't change Debbie's words "we aren't able to handle your transition" and "afraid to acknowledge you as a woman."
It sounds like goodbye to me

[Laurie]

no appointments being made today another wasted day

[Laurie]

  Okay folks,

  I can see it and I'm sure you all are tired of it by now. I am becoming more and more negative here. This is not how I want to be seen. Because of this I'm going to try to limit my presence on Susan's Place to some updates and try to keep to a policy of, "if you can't say something nice keep you mouth shut". I know that if I don't like what i'm saying I'm sure you all don't either. If you catch me doing it feel free to let me know.

[HappyMoni]

Nicki

Yes Debbie did think I removed her from my friend list. I still have messenger and the list is intact but no one can see that due to the way the POS app works.  Apps ALWAYS suck because they are written for idiots to use and normal people let them get away with it. But that a whole different bitch. regardless it doesn't change Debbie's words "we aren't able to handle your transition" and "afraid to acknowledge you as a woman."
It sounds like goodbye to me

Laurie,
   "Bottom line  is I love you and don't want to lose touch." That to me seems pretty clear. The other part sounds like a statement of them wrestling with something foreign to them, transition of a loved one. Some people take time to figure it out. It would suck to write them off if there is hope. Your call.
Mponica

[Charlie Nicki]

Laurie,
   "Bottom line  is I love you and don't want to lose touch." That to me seems pretty clear. The other part sounds like a statement of them wrestling with something foreign to them, transition of a loved one. Some people take time to figure it out. It would suck to write them off if there is hope. Your call.
Mponica

That's how I see it too. Saying you don't want to lose touch is a pretty clear statement, the others are too but it seems like she's saying that they are struggling, like anyone does, not that they don't want anything to do with you Laurie.

[Tommie_9]

In it she says "I am sorry that we aren't able to handle your transition, I have so many memories of you and am afraid to acknowledge you as a woman.  I hope that makes sense.  Bottom line is I love you and don't want to lose touch."  So I guess that means I've lost another couple I care about.. but in a nice way. It still means the same thing.

Good morning, Laurie,
I don't sleep well either. Except for those who outright disowned me, that's pretty much the same response I received from everyone except one brother and his family who are very supportive. When you feel up to it, do you live in an area where you can connect with a trans support group and make new friends? If not, is there any way you can relocate to a progressive city where you can make new friends? I know I'm very lucky to live in a larger, more progressive city, with a large LGBT community, although the state will throw me in jail for using the Lady's room, which I do any way. Losing pretty much everyone in my life, I'm trying to make new friends. I found an inclusive non-religious church that advocates for social justice and LGBT rights. I started visiting a couple of weeks ago, met with a board member to learn more about them, and hope to find some love and friends there eventually. I'm trying to do some activities with my local Indian tribe like taking a language class - I'm a 'two-spirit' (trans) person.

If you have to change your environment to stay alive, do it. I know this is much easier said than done. Having virtual friends who love you here on Susan's Place is awesome, but we all need people around us in our lives who like us and some semblance of a social life to be healthy. I desperately need new friends and some sort of social life. Please see the shrink and give meds a chance to get you on your feet. I hate getting advice like this from other people, so consider this as just sharing how I'm trying to cope with the loss. If I'm intruding and giving unwelcome advice, please say so. It will not hurt my feelings. The bottom line for me is that I want to live. My favorite song is "Alive in the World" by Jackson Browne. One of the lyrics is "I want to live in the world, not inside my head. I want to live in the world, not behind some wall."
Hugs and kisses 
Tommie

[p]

Laurie,

Lots of ups and downs since I last checked in--I am sad that you have been down a lot recently, but I don't think you should apologize for it. Everyone is happy to offer their support and love and encouragement to you, especially since you have touched many people's lives. We are all on Team Laurie here and we will stick with you through good and bad. Sending you lots of love!  Patti

[Laurie]

   I got a call from the VA today. No it wasn't the one I've been expecting so an appointment can be made to see a shrink to see if I should get an antidepressant or not. So another day goes by. Oh the call? It was the robocall to confirm my appointment on friday when I see my therapist again. I'm betting his appointment will happen before I get a call from the shrink.
  I was feeling pretty good yesterday not the best but okay. Today not so much. Nothing serious mind you just kinda down and irritable with others. I've had a persistent headache for several days now and aspirin doesn't seem to help. My sleep has been a little erratic still.  that's about it

[Laurie]

oh i frogot I cleaned out the male clothes from my closet today except for a few flannel jacket / shirts The are in a bag and the stuff from my dresser was put in boxes about a nonth ago, I still haven't unpacked the bag of males clothes I took with me on my road trip. I'm guessing I don't really need them

[Devlyn]

So my Delta Tau Chi name is Persistent Headache?   

Hugs, Devlyn

[Tommie_9]

oh i frogot I cleaned out the male clothes from my closet today except for a few flannel jacket / shirts The are in a bag and the stuff from my dresser was put in boxes about a nonth ago, I still haven't unpacked the bag of males clothes I took with me on my road trip. I'm guessing I don't really need them

Good for you, Laurie! Purge that crap. I have no guy clothes left from my former male wardrobe, unless they're androgynous.